Didn't realise how lonely being a mum was

[Notcopingrightnow]

Apologies, this is a bit of a self-pitying whinge, so any advice on pulling myself together would be good.

DS is 6 weeks old and was born at 35 weeks by emcs. I'm really struggling at the moment with feeling really isolated. I was the first of my NCT class to give birth - DS actually came to the last session - and I don't really know anyone with a baby of the same age. I seem to be offering advice to people just having babies, but I have no one to talk to. My friends with kids tend to have much older ones.

I'm trying to get out and about to meet other mums, but it's been difficult. I have had to walk everywhere (didn't feel up to driving until recently, but share car with DH), which limits what I can get to. I've always been a bit awkward at talking to strangers and making friends, so have gone to coffee mornings and baby massage, but I find it difficult to go from chatting at an organised meet to organising something out of that.

I have friends who are around during the day, but I feel bad bothering them to meet up. I've always been quite independent and I just feel so needy at the moment.

So at the moment, I'm spending a lot of time at home with DS. I feel bad for him stuck at home and I'm worried I'm not interacting with him enough. It just feels so difficult when he seems to mainly feed, cry and sleep. I did realise we wouldn't be having in-depth chats, but the one-sidedness of it is really getting me down and I'm half-convinced he doesn't like me. He's spent today feeding virtually every hour, so I'm exhausted. I'm worried about routines, him getting enough sleep and food and that he's getting enough mental stimulation.

DH is great when he's home - he's taken him for a walk right now - but he has a 2+ hr commute, so is out of the house a lot.

Basically, I've spent half of today crying and feeling inadequate. Someone, please tell me it gets better? DS is amazing and I love him dearly, but I'm afraid I'm failing him and generally being a pathetic excuse for a mum

He doesn't really mental stimulation at this tender age, just love, warmth, food and a clean bottom.

It does get better. For me it took longer than it will for you thanks to twins, but it does!

Everyone who is half way honest feels a rubbish mum, don't sweat it.

You're not failing. It's really hard being a parent. Don't forget your hormones will still be all over the place. Give yourself a break. Wrap baby up tmw and go for a walk to the nearest cafe/ library/park you'll be surprised at how easy it is to get talking to other mum's. X

It gets better I promise! I was still fragile and shocked 6 weeks post EMCS, it's not a race to get back to normal. You are not failing him. Newborns only need their parents, warmth and milk .

You might need to try out several baby & toddler groups before you find the right one.
When are the rest of the nct babies due? Maybe arrange to try out some baby groups together?

I can relate to this too. I only felt that way with my first, though, so it definitely gets easier

It sounds like you are doing everything you can. Speak to your health visitor and tell her how you are feeling. She will know all the groups in your area and might be able to recommend some you didn't know about.
Get out and about with the pram. Just being outside, saying hello to same faces each day helped me survive. I was a single parent so the days were really long for me.

OK, first things first: You've got a very new baby and you are just recovering from a c-section - you don't need to be doing anything other than resting, pottering about and feeding. So take all that pressure off yourself right now!

On the loneliness front, I hear you. I found the first few months isolating, too. Personally, I didn't find baby groups that useful at this early stage. I was still floundering about trying to figure out how to 'do' this parenthood malarkey and was just too tired/anxious/overwhelmed to socialise on any real level with people. But keep going along to the odd thing, definitely. Eventually you'll find 'your people'....or at least one or two friendly mums you can ask for a coffee.

And you're honestly not a pathetic excuse for a Mum! You're a new mum, finding your feet. Be kind to yourself.

He doesn't need any stimulation as such at all, you do though sounds like you need some adult company. Lots of people with older DC will be happy to meet up and steal lots of cuddles with a newborn!!

Hey - you're doing a brilliant job, he's fed, well loved, clothed and cared for!
I think 6 weeks is a point when you can feel a bit down, I know for me 6 weeks after my emcs I was quite down and cried quite a bit but I think its because your life has just been changed so much! Don't get me wrong I love it but it's a change you can't imagine when pregnant.
Take your baby to non baby things too, sometbing for you. They just want to be by mum and it might be nice for you to do something a bit different.
X

The mums who have just had babies do have babies the same age as yours - or at least they will in a few weeks time! It's just now that there seems to be such a big difference.

Your feelings are really normal. In fact I'd say I found the first six weeks of DC1's life the hardest time ever - even compared to having three under four, a few years later! For me, his first smile was a huge milestone - the first time I got something back from him, in return for everything I was putting in!

I remember too asking for another mum's phone number at a toddler group so we could arrange to meet up outside the group - I felt as nervous as if I was asking a man out on a date!

Hang in there. It will improve very soon.

What katherineCsaid (love the english patient too btw).

OP you are being too hard on yourself. It is hard esp with DH away so much (I'm in a similar boat and it's bloody hard). But you're doing fantastically well after a v tough birth and operation.

Your tiny DS just needs your presence and the security of your smell and touch.

When DS is a little older and budget permitting you might be able to bring him to a mum and baby group. Check out your local library or community centre or church (if appropriate for you). I also did a mum and baby fitness group which was nice. Also, I found it enormously beneficial to get out and about in the very smallest way...just popping to the shops on foot and having interaction with the shopkeeper helps! If you have a local cafe, you could pop in there for a coffee...it's amazing how people strike up conversations with mums carrying babies!

Best of luck and it will pass and gradually get easier - I promise.

I feel like this. I had DS 7 weeks ago by C section, he was in the NICU and I'm the first of my friends to have kids. I'm 22, all my friends are still into partying and I'm a single mum.

I constantly feel like I'm not interacting with him enough or that I'm shit when he screams. I knew it would be hard but I didn't realise how upset id feel or how isolated it sometimes is

Congratulations on the birth of your son.
It is unbelievably overwhelming being responsible for a little person & turning your life upside down & so hard to admit what you've just written down when you are used to being a strong confident self reliant woman.
Easy to say from the outside but
but don't worry - all he needs at the moment from you is milk, clean nappies and cuddles.Talking to him is great. I had the radio or mtv on all the time with dd1.

Have you got an nct bumps & babes group near you or a children's centre or do they have post-natal groups organised by the health visiting team? I was at bumps & babes yesterday & we had 3 new mums. 4 weeks, 7 weeks & 8 weeks.
Trying to get out of the house everyday for a walk always helped me too.
Most of all - try & enjoy it. It's a cliché but they grow up so quickly.

6 weeks?? Awful time. You're really, really exhausted and the reality is starting to sink in. Baby probably not smiling yet so all you are doing is slogging round 24/7 for a tiny emperor who appears disapproving.

The good news is that the smiles do pick things up somewhat when they appear. But yes, you need support right now. Mother, mother in law - would either come and keep you company a bit? Have any of the other NCT people popped? Unfortunately it can take a while to build to the point where you see each other as people, but in the meantime, just meet up and have baby chat, it makes it easy as a starting point - can you grit your teeth and burn through the shyness? Ds is 11 and many of my dearest friends are those comrades of the early months.

I went to everything I could think of. If you are starting to get back to driving, or even if you're not, ring your health visitor, squeeze out a few tears and ask her/him for any ideas on local(ish) activities. My God I went to everything up to and including the opening of envelopes. Postnatal aquarobics. Postnatal pilates. New book group with the baby in a car seat (why not start one, stick a notice in a newsletter?) Big noisy baby/toddler group. Small quiet baby group. Sing and sign (that was a bit later). Rhymetime at the library. Baby screenings at the cinema. Church (try a few. I'm an atheist. Just leave the service and volunteer with the Sunday school). Signed up to learn economics and Hebrew (not together) in classes with a creche. Went to the local swimming pool with a creche. We had an NCT meeting every week round our way, plus regular Mums Beers at the pub in the evening. Mumsnet meet ups (Netmums are generally better for local contacts).

What I did, because I'm useless at remembering people, was write stuff down as soon as I got home - literally the name of the person I'd talked to, the name of their baby, anything they'd told me about them or their partner. I asked brazenly for phone numbers and was very un-British. You will find people you get on with. You only need one or two and things will look up very quickly.

For me 6 weeks is really hard. Mine had growth spurts and at this point I was just exhausted. Things started to get better after week 8.

Go for a walk with the baby and stop off for a drink. Everyone will talk to you because they like to admire the baby. The hardest part was getting out the house. Pack the diaper bag the night before and have your shower before sleeping so you eliminate a couple of steps in the morning.

It's also great to do skin on skin during the day when home. I didn't do much tummy time on the floor with DS. It was all done skin to skin on my tummy. Was bliss and really settled him. Wish I had done it with my first.

Also when a baby cries I think of it as music. Yes they need something but it's their only way of communicating. When older they can tell you they are hungry. Right now all they can do is scream!

IT sounds like you had totally unrealistic expectations about new motherhood.

It is very lonely and exhausting.

Hey OP - you're doing an amazing job

Those first 6 - 8 weeks are tough - there is this new little person that you are getting to know. It takes time, but all you need to do is keep him fed, watered, dry and warm.

It is exhausting. My DS was being fed every 2 - 3 hrs and i was expressing. By the time he had been fed and everything had been cleaned and sterilised it was time to start again. I couldnt go anywhere or do anything and once DP went back to work, i cried as i thought i wouldnt be able to cope. I was so exhausted i didnt know my own name half of the time and the last thing i wanted to do was go to a group and make conversation with a load of people i didnt know.

Hopefully, You will turn a corner at around week 10 - it will start to fall into place... feeding times, nap times and you'll be able to work around it - getting out the house, even if its just for a walk with DS or a shopping trip.

When he starts to sleep for longer at night, that exhausted feeling? It will improve, i promise you and everything will feel right with the world once again.

'IT sounds like you had totally unrealistic expectations about new motherhood.'

Oh come on! There is no way any expectation can be realistic - it's just a whole new ball park once baby actually arrives!

It is lonely, OP, but it's NOT forever! I promise :)

Others are right that by the time your DS is 2 or 3 months old, you'll feel more in sync with your antenatal group and more able to talk to them on a level. Right now they are in the immediate just working out what's happened rather than actually starting to live it as you are. Are you having regular antenatal course meet ups following the course? If not, why don't you suggest one, if you feel up to it? With the group I went to, we started out meeting weekly in Starbucks in Sainsbury's because it was easy parking with parent and child spaces and they had a huge baby change toilet which wasn't in the disabled loo, and lots of booths/half walls for privacy when we were all trying to breastfeed early on. Then later as the babies got more mobile we started meeting at each others' houses and alternated. You could text or email everybody suggesting that anybody who feels up to it could meet at X coffee shop or at your house if you feel like it.

NCT also run in some areas a "bumps and babies" or "early days" group for mums of babies up to six months which was really good in my experience as you're among other new mums in the same kind of stage as you, not trying to talk to a mum of a toddler who has one eye on them or in a huge group where everyone seems to know each other.

And yes - the comment about unrealistic expectations was unkind. We ALL have unrealistic expectations because it's so utterly unimaginable before they actually arrive!

Thanks everyone - I am trying to get out of the house every day, even if it's just to post something. I am also going to the local bumps and babies group - I've even volunteered to host a coffee morning. Some of the other NCT babies have just arrived, so waiting for mums to be up to socialising again.

I think I've just struggled because I had DS so early, I would meet with my NCT friends and they were still talking about playlists for labour and avoiding inductions, while I was dealing with establishing breastfeeding! I knew I would be exhausted, I just hadn't thought about being the first to give birth and not being able to talk to anyone going through it at the same time. I think I just didn't realise the emotional impact of all this and how completely it would take out of me in ways I didn't expect

Yep. I totally understand. It's a weird thing where you really need to be around other people who are going through the same thing but it's such a small window as well. You could look on the postnatal threads here for your birth month? I found mine quite good but I didn't find MN until later.

Unrealistic expectations!!!! No one knows what type of baby or delivery is coming their way.

OP its quite normal to feel lonley. Actually everything you are describing I felt at some point during the first 3 months of being a mother. I will tell you that mine were so much more fun from six months onwards as their little personalities start to show.

I agree that the first three months were really isolating, something I just never expected. Not sure what I did expect but I think I thought other mothers would be more welcoming, not always the case... As others have said, it does get easier and hopefully you will get out and about with your NCT group as more of them have their babies. Hang in there.

OP. You are not a rubbish Mum. Your baby is only a few weeks old, it is still very, very early days. You are recovering from major surgery and adjusting to massive life change. You need to give yourself a break and permission to relax.

I have had two emergency c-sections and I agree it can be very lonely and isolating at home. It can feel like a rush to get back to normal life especially if everyone in your NCT group seem to bounce back quickly. Remember it is major surgery. I bet if you had had an operation for anything else you wouldn't even be considering getting out and about or feel like you were needy asking people to visit. Take the opportunity to rest and sleep as much as possible now. Get in a few box sets, get a grown up colouring book, jigsaw, take up knitting, crafting, whatever you enjoy and make the most of the time to yourself while your baby is so little. It won't be long before they are awake more, moving and demanding your attention and believe me you'll soon be too busy to feel lonely.

When you are ready, check out your local baby and toddler groups, you'll have to try a few before you find one that suits you, check out the library for rhythm time. I did baby sensory, swimming lessons and a music group with my first. They all cost a lot more than the toddler groups but it was good to be doing something with my baby and the focus wasn't on chatting with other Mums. That took the pressure off and allowed friendships to develop more naturally.

In my area people who are a little shyer seem to find the groups with a 'leader' (who doesn't have their own child there) are friendlier for people who don't know anyone else yet. One local toddler group has great play equipment etc but the people who run it are volunteer parents with toddlers so they are busy keeping an eye on their own toddlers and so it's harder for them to take the time to welcome someone new (not their fault). Whereas bumps and babes run by the children's centre has a support worker who talks to all the parents. Similarly the local church toddler group has some older ladies who run it who take a grandmotherly type interest in all the babies and children.
I found the first 6 months or so (basically until he slept through the night) really tough but it does get better. There are different challenges now at 18 months but it's still much easier than those early months! With hindsight I think I underestimated how much the Caesarean took out of me (EMCS here too). I should probably have spent more time resting.

PS I think a lot of the exhaustion that I assumed was just normal new baby tiredness was actually post-surgery recovery.