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Original poster

Please tell me all the benefits of two versus three kids

72 replies

Lilipot15 · 09/10/2015 13:55

I'm starting to feel broody and I'm pretty sure it's hormonal. Baby not even weaned yet!!

In my head I'd imagined we'd quite possibly have 3, but part of me wonders how much harder it would be - thinking cars, holidays, money, number of hands, number of kids to get up and out for school when the time comes, and the juggling of out of school activities.

Deep down, I think I know it would be sensible to stick with our lovely two, as I'll be in my 40s, DH bit older still, I am ambitious at work, parents not that local to help out. As well as the reasons I put above.

Please could those with two tell me if they're happy they stuck with it, and if you went for 3, how much harder work is it?

And is middle child syndrome a real thing folk have noticed?

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WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es · 13/10/2015 07:11

We always intended having two, they're 9 and 11 now and I'm very glad we had two. Oldest has AS and for all the reasons mentioned by Brie having a younger sibling has done him a huge favour in terms of helping with social skills. But for us having three would have been bad for him as DD would have paired up with DC3 and left DS out, and he is definitely not one to stay in his room happily all the time.

Also the juggling, my goodness. DS may have AS but he still does just as much extra-curricular stuff as DD, then there's the homework, the squabbling. Two children, two parents to give undivided attention to one at a time feels absolutely perfect to us, I'm so glad we never even considered three.

Shaffron · 13/10/2015 08:16

What a horribly negative thread about three children

I have three 9,6 and 18 months. I don't believe middle child syndrome is an inevitable affliction but purely down to bad or neglectful parenting. I've heard of plenty instances where a family of two children has a favourite and damages the other etc.

It's busy and tiring but immensely rewarding. My older two adore their little sister and I think the dynamic has been beneficial for them. I make one to one time for all of them because this is important but also it's good that they learn to share and spread resources and attention.

It helps that dh is very hands on and yes there are added costs. In an ideal world people wouldn't have children they can't afford but I also don't believe children need foreign holidays every year and all the latest gadgets to be happy.

I think women should stop at the number they can cope with physically and mentally - absolutely. Or just the number they are happy with.

But wanted to counter some of the negativity.

Original poster

Lilipot15 · 13/10/2015 08:56

Shaffron to be fair I had asked for people to tell me the benefits of two versus three. There are plenty of threads on here saying how great it is to have three and I have read them.
It is mainly because I think we are likely to stop at two because of my age and other medical reasons and at the moment I feel some sense of loss about it.
I think I have some anxiety about middle child syndrome because a family of three is an unknown to me.

My question certainly wasn't intended to get people to be really negative about three, I was more looking for people to help me "get a grip" and enjoy what I've got, which many of the replies have helped me do.

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WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es · 13/10/2015 09:09

I don't feel any negativity towards families of three (or more) generally, it's just that two was definitely, without a doubt, right for us.

Sparklingbrook · 13/10/2015 09:12

That's how I feel Who. When I see people that do have three teenagers or more I am in admiration, because two is absolutely my limit-it's really hard.

I may have managed when they were little and more amenable but now I really think it was for the best.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es · 13/10/2015 09:18

Yes, plenty of my friends have three or more, they are as happy with their larger families as we are with our small one. It was an easy decision for us though, we never even talked about having a third, so I sympathise with anyone who is trying to weigh up the pros and cons, having a baby is not a decision to be made lightly.

Bunbaker · 13/10/2015 17:52

"What a horribly negative thread about three children"

The OP did ask about the downsides of having three. Not all of us are maternal and can't envisage any upsides of having three children.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 14/10/2015 13:39

I have a surprise third. Obviously we adore him, etc, etc.

If you have two close in age, one thing I'd say to enjoy about stopping at two is that you don't have a big age spread to deal with. A 6 and a 4 year old are quite similar in abilities and stamina. A 6 and a 1 year old, not so much...

I do miss the fact that things could be 'easy' now. We could go out in the evening because they can both cope with a slightly late night. We could all go to the panto at Christmas, etc . That's teh bit I feel I miss out on.

Original poster

Lilipot15 · 14/10/2015 14:18

Libraries, yes we were saying the other day that whilst we have hardly had any time to ourselves there will come a time before too long when they can stay with grandparents overnight, be left with a babysitter and it's likely that many of DD1's peer's parents will be in the midst of managing babies again.
I am trying to make the most of my time with them when they are so little instead of just lurching from one maintenance task to another (I read this on another thread and thought how some days feel like that).

OP posts:

vdbfamily · 14/10/2015 14:54

I love having 3 (currently 9.10 and 12). We often used to lose one of them somewhere but that might just be us as we are quite 'relaxed' in our parenting! Don't think our middle child is at all neglected but then we had girl boy girl so they all have their special place (oldest/baby and only boy) I was one of 4 and my middle brother felt very neglected. Oldest was boy.baby was boy, I was only girl and he was middle boy. I'm sure it can make a difference psychologically to the child if they perceive they are less special as there are always perceived differences between how the oldest is treated and how the youngest is treated and I guess the one in the middle just feels there is nothing 'special' about that!
I would had 4 if I had met DH earlier in life.As it was, 3 in 3.5 years was pretty stressful!

DrDreReturns · 14/10/2015 16:01

My wife and I both wanted two kids, mainly due to financial issues and the fact that my wife's second pregnancy was horrendous for her, she'd had enough after that. My wife was an only child, and she found it very lonely, so she was adamant we were not going to have an only child if we could help it.
I have heard (from an Irish friend whose father was one of thirteen) that in really large families the kids look after each other.

moderndiamondcats · 14/10/2015 21:21

In your OP you did ask how much harder work having number 3 was...

I found it an easy jump tbh, much easier than going from 1 to 2 (which nearly killed me). 3 was lovely, a bit more exciting than 2 but not quite into the 'larger family' territory either.

Mostly I think it depends on what sort of life you are happy with, I'm sure people look on at me and think, poor woman, she hasn't had a proper night out in years and she is none stop all day (the list could go on, 10 years of nappies, about the same again in primary school runs, minimum 2 loads of laundry a day...). I/we wanted 4 DC's badly enough that I think it's worth the hard work. I knew it would be more sensible to stop at 2! I also knew that was too organised and sensible for us. I love the chaos and the mess and I love it even more when you have a freind to tea who has 3 or 4 or 5, it's like a party.

If one of the DC's is away or out for the day being left with just the 3 is no trouble.

Bunbaker · 14/10/2015 23:11

modern, it's horses for courses really.

I would absolutely hate your lifestyle. Loads of kids running around causing chaos. All the work and drudgery and the very thought of 10 years of nappies and school runs plus all the mess makes me want to lie down in a darkened room.

DD is a teenager now and very hard work. I'm jolly glad I don't have to go through this again.

moderndiamondcats · 15/10/2015 06:39

That was sort of my point BunBaker. It's either something you want or you don't.

I think sometimes parents of larger families can feel like they are fair game for negative comments a lot of the time. I do understand that a lot of people would hate my lifestyle, I get that, even so it still feels a bit negative to hear 'I would hate that', because the positive comments that I receive about having 'a larger' family are few and far between. Actually I don't see 4 as that large, 6+ is large imo.

Truthfully 1 or 2 DC's would bore me to tears, I would never openly say that though (I just did...I know) because I am sensitive the fact that some people try for a 2nd, 3rd or 4th and sadly, and after much heartache, it doesn't work out.

Sparklingbrook · 15/10/2015 06:59

How can having just two children bore you to tears? I have two teenagers and its far from boring and theres been plenty of chaos and mess along the way.

Bunbaker · 15/10/2015 07:57

I'm not negative about women who choose to have large families. I have friends with 4 children, but I think "rather you than me". It probably didn't help that OH and I had over 20 years on our own before DD was born, so the change in our lifestyles was a massive culture shock to both of us.

I'm probably far too selfish to want to run around after multiple children and too old

Original poster

Lilipot15 · 15/10/2015 08:49

Modern, it is useful to know that you found the jump from 1-2 harder. I have found that quite hard, though I'm sure it's compounded by the fact that I have a small age gap and am doing work on a project I am involved in to advance my career whilst on mat leave with no.2.
Funnily enough we were talking about home improvements that would make it more comfortable for 3 children. As DH said, no need to rush as we have been told to wait, although as it turns out we both remember different gaps advised by the obstetrician. He is far more likely to be right as I was of course tired, post-op, preoccupied with my new baby, but I guess we would ask for another discussion about it if it seemed that we were veering towards another....

OP posts:

LumelaMme · 15/10/2015 09:11

I haven't RTFT as I MUST go and so some work but...

My older DCs are now at uni and I am down to two at home and my God, it is marvellous.

I love 'em all, don't regret them etc etc, but 2 is light years easier than a houseful. Noticeably less laundry, fewer beds to change, less cooking, easier to keep tabs on who has done what, who left dirty trainers in the hall, who is going where at what time. It's easier to find the time to give them some focused attention, chat through homework, watch a specific TV programme with one of them.

Having a large family has its upsides (it's great at Christmas, and can be huge fun on holiday) but it's expensive (Holidays. Flights. Oh. My. God.) and VERY hard work - it's completely relentless when they're little. You just have to weigh it up and decides what matters most to you.

moderndiamondcats · 15/10/2015 12:29

It's just a turn of phrase Sparklingbrook, I wouldn't necessarily put what I really mean lest it offend. I just didn't see the attraction of just having 2 DC's, plenty of people do and that's great for them. Even the 'rather you than me' leaves me feeling a bit like, 'gee thanks' , it's a tad condescending.

I know people will think I am being over sensitive, but when you fall pg for the 4th time the negativity starts from the beginning, not many people congratulate you when you tell them you are pg again!

KatharineClifton · 15/10/2015 12:43

With my twins I must of repeated the mantra 'it could of been worse, it could of been triplets' so many times the thought of a 3rd wasn't a reality. But, I still didn't sell the baby stuff for 12 years!

But I am so glad now that I only had two because teenagers are very time consuming and expensive.

So much this! And they are so big and so are their clothes!

Sparklingbrook · 15/10/2015 16:56

what did you really mean Modern? How could it be that offensive to parents of one or two children you can't even post it?

Bunbaker · 15/10/2015 21:04

"Even the 'rather you than me' leaves me feeling a bit like, 'gee thanks' , it's a tad condescending."

I didn't mean to sound condescending at all. I really, really wouldn't have enjoyed having a large family and the chaos and lack of downtime that goes with it.

By the same token you would probably hate my lifestyle - one teenager, complete with exam stress and friendship issues, a part time job, time to see my friends without children in tow, time to watch TV in the evenings without having to spend hours on bath-time/reading to children etc, no endless rounds of washing, cleaning and cooking without a break in between.

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