Has any one been unsure about having a third and decided to stick with 2 ?

[Kayleighann]

Hi I having been searching the internet about being unsure about having a third baby and have found lots of post ppl saying they were unsure for years but decided yes but I've not found any that have said they thought about it for a long time and decided no.
I wondered if those who decided no does the feeling for another baby go away? Is there any regrets for not having a third?

I'm so unsure and driving myself insane. I go from a definate yes to a definate no on a daily basis

I regret not having a third. I could cry that I didn't take the chance and at least try.
But I am too old and the age gap too big to do it now.

I had sort of settled myself with the idea of just two and then got pregnant in a slightly unplanned way. Took the decision out of it but now I worry all the time that I'm pushing my luck by trying to look after three small kids!! Neither way is easy, just do what's right for you. Write down a pros and cons. For example, whilst I am happy to be pregnant, I'm not happy about the 10 weeks of daily vomitting and feeling awful that I've endured. With a three year old and one year old along for the ride...

After I had my second baby at 34, DH and I said that we might have one last go when I was in my late 30s and let nature decide for us. I'm 37 now and we've decided against the idea. It's not totally without pangs of regret; I love being pregnant, breastfeeding, cuddling squishy little newborns... But I don't want to be an older mother (nothing against anyone who does, it's just not for me). We have 2 lovely, bright children and we feel very lucky.

There are lots of other reasons that build up to strong "against" argument too; we're soon moving back to London and won't be able to afford anything bigger than a 2 bedroom flat, I want to go back to work, grandparents are unable to help out etc. So my head wins over my heart.

What would be the external factors driving your decision? Do you have money, space, support? Is time on your side? How would it affect your family if the new baby had any health issues?

I felt just the same as you, literally hour by hour I would think of little else. I would stare longingly at newborn babies and dream of having another one.

My mother said it was my hormones and it would wear off, I didn't believe her, it was so powerful, but I have to say she was right. I am now 40yrs, so technically could still have one, but the moment has gone, the feelings have evaporated and now actually my dds are older, I am really glad I didn't. I didn't expect to feel so pressed at this age, even now my children need so much of me, and now realise every stage is demanding in it's own way. I am not sure I would have coped very well with a baby in the mix as well. I am glad I didn't in the end if I am to be honest.

It is not to say you shouldn't, living with big regrets is not a good idea. Why do you want another one? I would start with that..

My dh said how will we feel when we get to three and I STILL have the maternal drive do we have four, five children? And I was very worried about having twins, as we have so many twins in our family, and there is no way I could go from 2 to 4!

I think I am doing a really good job now as a parent, I feel contented and relaxed and so it was right for us not to go for baby number three, but it really is your decision to make, and either way I am sure you will be happy.

I have two, aged seven and ten. When the youngest was between one and three I really wanted another. DH did not!

As they have got older the physical input has reduced but the emotional input increased. I used to get an evening with DH and now we do not as they have got older they stay up later.

It depends how you want your life to look in years to come, so
I cannot answer the question for you.

Our weekends are so busy, running from one party or activity to another. I understand this is a choice but we just seem to be always on the go. I cannot imagine how this would be with three.

I have no family support at all and DH works always a lot so
I am glad I stopped at two.

A list of pros and cons seems a possible solution.

Imagine if you went for a third and then ended up with twins, how would you feel? What is the age gaps you currently have? Is this nostalgia talking, or are you worrying about being past the age of child rearing. All normal feelings.

Good luck x

We have gone back and forth for over a year now about whether to have a third. Only one of our DDs is DHs, and that makes both of us want another, also wider family would love us to have another. I do think there is a space in our family right now too. We even bought OPKs to start trying and about 6 months ago I was 2 weeks late and we were both happy at the idea. Turned out I wasn't pregnant.

The reasons we are not doing it is because there is almost a 4 year age gap between the two we have, and there would be a similar age gap between DD2 and the baby if we were to conceive now, and obviously that is only going to grow. I am worried about how we would please the eldest and the youngest, when they are 8 years apart in age on family day trips etc. Plus, although we could afford it, we know that the two we have are only going to get more expensive, and I want them to have the best we can give them. I feel like I would be diluting both the money available to them and also our time. Also the thought of going back to nappies and sleepless nights and awful sickness during pregnancy with a 3 year old around...

Writing it down, I am not sure I feel those reasons for not having another are strong enough. To me they seem a bit flimsy. But there they are. I think (hope) the desire for another one will fade in time for me, so I am just going to try to ride it out. I just hope that in 19 years time I don't kick myself for not doing it. But that could be said about anything really.

This probably hasn't helped at all. Sorry. :o

Lily, about STILL having the maternal urge; I wanted a third even while I was pregnant with my second
I just couldn't accept it would be the last. When I found I was pregnant with my third, I worried I would feel the same way again . I really don't. 3 is the perfect number for me.

Benzal, everyone is different. Three was right for you, three may have been right for me who knows? Maybe it would have been much easier than I feared, and anyway the love for a child finds a way to conquer all in my view.

I am just so completely and totally knackered and worn out with two, I simply do not have the energy for three. I should have started at a younger age for a bigger family, that is my best advice! :) x

Yes, Lily you are right, individual families have different 'right' sizes. I just wanted to share that the maternal urge can go away.

Also I agree, having time helps. 3 close in age might have been too much for me. I had 2 and then a nice big gap and its lovely.
Hope op finds the answers she is looking for.

Thank you all for your replies.

My 2 children are boy 9 and girl 6. I worry about the age gap as I would be starting from the beginning again.
After my second I didn't have the urge for another at all. I was the complete opposite. I found going from one to two very hard and my second was a screamer and cried constantly. She was hard through all the toddler stage and completely put me off wanting another. Then she grew out of that stage and having 2 was lovely. Once she started school I suddenly started thinking about a third and for the last year I've thought of nothing else.

When she started school I felt so lost and sat at home sad a lot. I'm a sahm so for 9 years I've been mothering my babies and suddenly they are gone and I feel so alone.
I was hoping the feeling wud go but it's only gotten stronger.

There are far my cons to having a third than pros but arnt there always! I wud of had far more cons for my first and second to.

Pros - having a baby to look after again and all the lovely baby years again??
-another sibling for my children
-three times the fun when they are older
-getting to go through pregnancy, birth one last time

Cons

• the big age gap

-sleepless nights -upsetting my older 2 they may not enjoy having a baby around -splitting days out up such as cinema, older 2 will go with me or oh while other stays at home with baby. -space , we have 3 bedrooms so someone will have to share with baby. -pregnancy sickness, I suffered terribly with hyperemissus with my last and was in and out of hospital on a drip.

• financially, we are comfortable now, will a third stretch us to far! Will my 2 get less because we can't afford certain things once there's 3 to pay for.

-my 2 getting less attention from me

I feel bad saying cons as how can there be a con of having a beautiful baby another child to love.

I'm 34 so altho not over the hill I still don't feel like time is on my side. My oh is very aware of our age and says if we are having one it has to be soon as he doesn't want to be a old dad.
He feels the same as me and is not 100% he worries about all the same things I do.

I worry I will get to old to have one and regret it. But then I also worry if I have one I will regret it. I may have one and think what have I done our family was perfect and now I've turned everything upside down.
Or I may have one and think what was a worrid about things are perfect.

I feel so sad my 2 are getting older. I sit here many evenings upset wishing the years would slow down.
I have loved my mummy years to 2 small children and wish it would last forever. I wonder sometimes if I actually want another baby or if I just can't come to terms with the fact my 2 are getting bigger.

I wonder sometimes if I actually want another baby or if I just can't come to terms with the fact my 2 are getting bigger.

I think you might have hit the nail on the head there op. Tbh the cons seem pretty extensive to me. Your older two would end up sharing which, whilst might not be a problem in and of itself, it might cause some jealously.
My sister has 3 (she had 3 under 3 at one point) and although she loved it she's quick to point out the downsides to me (we're still considering a third). Everything is built for two kids; cars (she needed a 7 seater),houses, holidays etc. You're always out numbered and trying to compromise- when they were little there was always one missing a party or activity so that the other two could do theirs.
Three is expensive. My sisters are teenagers now and they eat loads. We're talking crazy amounts of food here. When they all wanted music lessons she was shelling out £45 a week on them, but you can't just let one have them. Same with everything, three sets of Birthdays, three Christmas presents, three cinema tickets......i could go on!
If you did want to return to work you have more years to go at it now (sister was a solicitor but has retrained and is now a teacher but is only in her second fully trained year at 46 after having her first baby at 27) but in 5 or six years it might be harder.

.......I know secretly I still want a third though!

Hi Nicky how old are ur children? Are u swaying more to yes or no?

I loved my baby/toddler days spending the day playing games, drawing, painting, watching cbeebies, days out at park,beach. A walk round the shops with a pushchair. My days now feel so empty. Altho I'm busy I feel empty all the time.

I can't imagine never having another baby. I feel like all I want to be is a mother. I know I am a mother but they don't need me as much as they used to and I feel like I've still got so much to give another baby. But every time I think right just do it the cons creep in my mind and say don't be silly don't rock the boat.

I guess it's a good thing I'm not just rushing in to it then spending the rest of my life struggling at least I'm giving it some serious thought maybe just a bit to much thought x

I was super broody after having dd2. I had a wonderful pregnancy and an amazing labour and birth. I was devastated about not being pregnant anymore (with dd1 I hated being pregnant and never missed it at all).
I spent weeks crying about how I would never have another baby and was trying to wear hubby down on a third.

However dd2 is now almost 8 months and I'm quite happy to stick at two. I'm sad that I'll never have the pregnancy and newborn experience but both my babies have had awful reflux and I just couldn't go back to the start again.
I also would worry about money. Cars, houses and holidays, the kids having extra curricular activities and clubs etc.
I also already feel stretched in terms of being able to give both girls enough attention and I can't imagine trying to manage with another.

I think three works for some people but I don't think it would work for me.

Kayleigh do you think some counseling might help? From your last post it sounds like your sadness goes beyond the usual "baby days are over" pangs.

A friend of mine has been seeing a therapist to help her come to terms with not having any more children and has found it very helpful. Her youngest has only just turned one, but she wanted to keep going and her husband really didn't.

for you.

I don't think counselling will help really, I can't see how that would make a decision for a third. I think it's something me and hubby need to decide between us.
Altho he's very much like you decide which doesn't help lol.
The majority of ppl I know who have 3 or more have said it was easy no probs at all, I only know one friend who said don't do it 2 is much easier.

I'm from a large family, I have 3 brothers. My family were not very well off but decided to have one last attempt for a girl! Oh is from a large family too a brother and 2 sisters. I think that's wat makes me want more too coming from a big family, remembering all the fun I had having 3 older siblings.

One thing that massively doesn't help is a lot of our friends and family are having babies now. When we had ours none of our friends did and now all of a sudden there's baby's everywhere I look.
I think if our friends were at the stage we are then we would all move on to the nxt stage of life together. But watching them all going through the baby's years is making me want one even more.

Xx

I was seriously broody when my dd turned about 4 and was getting ready to start school (Ds was 2 years older). I actually came off the pill and told my DH that he had to use protection if he didn't want another baby because I wouldn't. He didn't want a third (he was middle of 3) so it didn't happen.

In hindsight, I'm very glad. My Dc are now 18 and 16 and we've had a nice life with them and they're both doing really well. We've been a neat family unit of four, holidays are straightforward, the house hasn't been outgrown and they done nothing more than niggle at each other as they've grown up, not really sibling fighting. These days they're more likely to laugh together than shout at each other. Our family has been balanced and I don't believe a third child would have enhanced anything.

Mine are still tiny- ds is 21 months and dd is 11 weeks on Saturday so we're still very much in the thick of it.Dd is a lovely, easy baby but I suppose my hormones are still everywhere! I can totally relate to the wanting to be a mother thing-don't get me wrong I sometimes want to tear my hair out but I love taking care if them, stupid little things like making ds's favourite food and warming his pjs. I'm a SAHM too and intend to be so until they go to school. I'm lucky in that I used to work for myself so I'll probably re start my business when they go to school as long as it doesn't interfere with dropping off/picking up.
Dp has considerable doubts about a third for all of the reasons above. He also worries about twins. I had a horrible pregnancy with dd and he had to take up a lot of the slack- I seem to have already forgotten about it but it's all still very fresh in his memory! I'm 36 so we have some time but can't hang about forever.

OP I could have written your posts! Even the age gap between yours is the same as mine, the youngest starting school, being a sahm with no baby or toddler.

I am having such a struggle to say for definite either way. My main issues are I have a chronic illness and am tired enough as it is. We have a 3 bedroom house and if it was a boy DS would have to share with a 9 year age gap, if it was a girl DS would have to give up his lovely big bedroom so the dds could share. We have a big loft but would have to add the money to the mortgage to extend. It would mean a new car, days out are already over £50 for the 4 of us. Holidays can be 2 bedrooms, we'd have to go for bigger accommodation with a 3rd child.

The DCs want me to have one and I feel sad at not being pregnant again or pushing a pram but I'm just not sure if it's the right thing to do.

Your con list is quite extensive.

I only have one Newborn but am hoping to have 2. DP really wants 3. As I'm in my 30s time isn't really on my side to decide whether to have a third.

As a pp said, the world is designed for 2 kids. If we were to have a third we'd need a bigger car if using car seats. We'd need a 3 bed but living in a 'naice' part of Surrey this would mean moving somewhere less nice (although eventually we'd have to move if we have a second of a difference sex).

I'm 6 years older than my sister and had to share the box room with her. It was a huge gap when I was 16 and she was 10. Would your ds be happy at 15 sharing with a 5 year old? I'm not saying don't have a third, I'm one of 3 and have a brother and sister and always had someone to play fight with but I think you should consider the room/financial situation

My DC1 is 2, DC2 is nearly three months and I am already longing for a third (at the same time as crying from sleep deprivation as DC1 is waking most nights).

DH thinks we should stick at two. Logically I think he is right: he is mid 40s already, I want to keep my career going, and we could be out of the baby stage in a couple of years. But I come from a large family and always thought I would have four children. Stopping at two doesn't seem right.

We have agreed to discuss in a year!

That's what we've said Ties! Kick it into the long grass for a year then have another.

Thanks for all ur comments. : ) it really helps reading other ppls stories and advise.

Crapbag I have also asked my 2 children if they would like a brother or sister and they both got excited and said yes and then argued about the fact they both want baby in there room, but of course once baby was here and crying etc it may be a different story lol.

I've been looking after my nephew all day today he's 1 and I've had such a lovely day with him. Have picked kids up and now they are playing with him. After today I feel like I want one even more.

I spoke with oh again last night and he said why don't I just stop my pill for a year and see what happens. I can't do that tho till nxt year as I had severe morning sickness with both mine and don't want to be ill over Xmas it wouldn't be fair to my 2. So if I still feel like this after Xmas I think i will come off pill.

Surly if I think about it this much then I must want one. I know bedroom space would be a issue but not for a few years yet and we can deal with that when we get to that stage.

If I I wrote a cons list when I got pregnant with my first it would have been.

• need to move as only live in 1 bed flat.
• would need to move to a different area as the house prices are so high In my area so myself and oh will have a hour drive to work, rather than the 10 mins we had then.

-I will have to give up work which will change how we live financially. -sleepless nights I love my sleep -no more nights out clubbing and drinking with friends for a long time. -not much time just me and hubby on our own...... The list goes on...but we still had one and then another one lol Xx

You see, today I was questioning keeping the two we've got as I scrubbed poo off the cream carpet !!

I was incredibly broody when my youngest was about 18 months and my eldest was 3.5 and it lasted a good 6 months, had my DH been agreeable, I definitely would have tried for a baby then. At the moment, I'm very glad we didn't. Admittedly, my youngest is a nightmare toddler, but I now realise that what I was craving was those years again with those particular children, no doing it all over again with someone new. Someone once said to me, don't think about another baby, because that goes in a flash, think about another person, can you invest (financially, emotionally, physically) in another person in your family unit? Also, think about the strain on your body of another pregnancy, birth and maybe breastfeeding. Mine were great, but it still takes it toll, my body needs a rest. I'm looking forwards to the older years when hopefully we can go on some amazing holidays, as I did as a child, and I can devote time to supporting them and enjoying them. What's great about 2 is DH can take one of them and ensure I get proper, quality time with the other, and that only gets richer the older they get. Eldest is only in Reception and I can already see that they don't need you any less the older they get, their needs just change. I know I can't support more than 2 small people and keep myself physically fit and mentally healthy and sustain my marriage, I know I can't, it would break me. I'm a SAHM at the moment too and my I can see when my youngest starts school I will feel completely lost, I know I will, but I plan to return to my career part time, perhaps get a high maintainance pet baby substitute?! I loved being pregnant, loved it, loved the babies, love toddlers as much as they drive me mad at times but I realised that when what I thought I wanted was another baby was actually not wanting those golden years to fly by quite so quickly.

I really really really wanted a third.

I didn't go for it in the end when I could of with exdp and I'm so bloody happy it's just me and my two. I am only 27 so if I do meet a potential dh I could change my mind but I'm currently dating only men with dc already as I really don't want the third.