Please tell me 2 children is going to be ok?

[milkyman]

I'm 10wks pregnant at age 40, not planned. Total shock. Terrible birth and pnd with ds. He will be 3.5 when baby born. Dreading it as struggled so much. Have heard so many horror stories on how hard two are. Please give me reassurance. Have supportive dh but not round much during the week.

I can honestly say it was better snd easier than I expected. I had a two year gap which I specifically found hard rather than having two. A two year gap meant I really found days with both tiring ...what will your childcare situation be with the 3.5 yr old.

I think you need to make a list of your fears about birth and pnd and tackle all in advance so you have a clear support nrwork in place. Are there factors that led to the pnd and cpuld they be mitigated ?

Could you afford to have a doula or post natal help?

Can your husband do some flexibility working so he is around a day a week extra?

Practicality will help .....

Oh and on the positive side. The bond the children form is amazing! My 3.5 yr old and 15 month old are already so so sweet toget her and amuse each other

Thank you - ds will prob be in nursery 2.5 days a week. Do you think the 3.5 gap is a good one? Think im finding it hard to except it's happened. Lost 5 pints of blood during birth, forceps and baby not breathing. V poorly treated in hospital - they discharged me in 3 days in a wheelchair - unable to walk. Dh was back in work 10 days later. Wish it had never happened - it was a rare one off and now im pregnant.

My dd2 was born three weeks ago so it's early days here but I'm finding it better than I thought. Dd1 is in love with her sister and wants to do lots to help. Lots of my friends have recently had their second baby and anecdotal reports suggest that the bairns play happily together. There's challenges of course but you just get on with it.

I should say too that my first labour and birth were terrible and I had an awful first few months with dd1. Labour and birth with dd2 were great (enjoyable even!) and so far I've been fine with dd2. Don't meet trouble halfway. Have a read of Ina May Gaskin to get yourself in a positive frame of mind for giving birth.

Good luck!

Milky, I had a horrendous birth and PND with my first. My second was born 2.5 years later, totally different experience. Easier birth and no PND. I was waiting every day for it to kick in and it never happened.

You'll be fine, you'll still enjoy the baby experience while your eldest is at nursery and you'll find your DC will help fetch wipes and nappies

Just because you had a traumatic birth last time doesn't mean you'll have the same again this time if you are really concerned about the birth tho you could ask for an elective section instead.
There's 2.5yrs between my eldest 2 yes it was hard at times it can be exhausting but the relationship your dc will have with each other make it so worth it to watch them love each other and play together is a lovely thing. My 2 are best friends although they do torment the life out of each other.
My advice would be to keep your older dc routine the same when baby arrives and be as organised as you can get clothes out the night before and sort nursery bag out sterilise bottles etc.

I can see why you would feel worried given your first experience, as other posters have said on here, the second could be completely different.

The first baby is always such a shock and most mothers find it very difficult, but the second is usually much, much easier in every way. This time you know what to expect from childbirth, and can organise as much practical and emotional support so that you feel 'ready' afterwards. Even if this means you have to juggle things around financially, and make it happen. It has to take top priority so that you feel you have everything you need.
Definitely your ds will thrilled to have a sibling which will be wonderful for him. I think there is a chance you may not need tons of support, a good routine, organisation, and going into it with a positive and happy outlook may mean that you enjoy it and make the most of it, but have it all lined up anyway.

I would love to be pregnant again, and envy you (in the nicest possible way) the wonderful experience of having another baby. It may not be planned, but that should not stop you enjoying every moment of it, and if the PND comes back you will know what to do and can get help swiftly.

Juust imagine for a moment that the childbirth will be fine this time, visualise what would be the perfect scenario for you, how you would like it to be and then make it happen. This your moment to do it your way, it is your second chance to really enjoy your little newborn this time.

There's a small 15 month gap here and honestly it's been fine.

Think about what you found hard and try and find ways to reduce that.
Can you look at a planned c section if you prefer for example? Or can you afford to pay for some help? A night nanny that comes say 2 nights a week for 2 months would help you get a decent sleep for example.

3.5 years seems a good age. At that age they can toilet themselves, get dressed mostly, feed themselves, talk etc so a lot more helpful. Maybe work on all of the above so he can do them all confidently by the time baby is born. Practice now with him getting basic clothes on and off, and progress as he grows. Outside practice him walking and staying close safely, so if you need to be somewhere with baby you know he won't run off. Indoors encourage independence. If he doesn't play alone much encourage with a timer him playing alone 5/10 mins then you joining, and increase with time, so by the time baby is here he will happily occupy himself 30 mins.

Mine are 3.5 years apart and I was dreading it too. I had the second around my 40th birthday too.

But I've been happily surprised at how ok it is. In fact, there are times I am thankful DC1 will entertain DC2 when I am getting showered and dressed in the morning, because I used to recall being the sole entertainer for an 'only' child, which was much more pressure.

The hardest part was during the day when DC1 wasn't at preschool and I was desperate to sleep when baby did during the day. When that happened I either enlisted a babysitter for an hour, or used babysitter-CBeebies while I slumped on the sofa.

Still lovely to see them play together, to watch DC2 desperate to copy DC1, and I am being creative with how to deal with their fights over toys. I remember my uncle telling me that he had 2 boys, and didn't LET them not get on. He reckoned you nip it in the bud and they will accept it. So I went into having 2 kids wth that mindset, and I've often heard my uncle's voice in my head as I decide how to deal with the latest squabble!

The thing is, when you go out you take a baby coat and drink, so instead of 1 coat and 1 drink, you take 2! You have to strap one child in the car, so you just strap two in!

The great thing about that age difference is you only have 1 in nappies, your firstborn is likely to be able to at least partially dress him/her self, and use utensils at the table, etc, and they often want to be helpful big sibling.

I found reading a story about being a great big brother helped set the scene.

One thing to warn you though, don't be surprised if your firstborn regresses. Mine wanted to use a dummy again, but soon dropped it when he realised he could do what he wanted and we weren't fussed (outwardly: inwardly I was screaming "no! Put it down!"). But that passes very quickly.

I find the little stages really gruelling, but now, a few years on, it is sooooo much easier and so however hard it might be, it will only be temporary. They grow up so fast!

One tip: if they're both crying see to your eldest quickly first. They have more awareness than the baby and will have their nose more put out of joint than the baby will, if made to wait.

Honestly I found 2 easier than one,I had an horrendous time with my first,pre eclampsia which they missed till I was 2 weeks overdue nearly turned to eclampsia I was very lucky,carpel tunnel syndrome,bad kidneys,extreme sickness for the first 3 months,covered in a rash,severe heartburn you name it I had it,lost 3 pints of blood within a couple of minutes after delivery.

My first DS was only 22 months when I had our second DS and from the day second DS was born they have been best friends and they're 19 and 17 now and oldest DS is so proud of DS17 for going onto college that he gives him £50 a month out of wages .I also had pnd with my first DS.

I've gone onto have 5DC and they all adore each other,2 of our DC are disabled DS14 and DD8 and our 3 other children DS,DS,DD12 are so loving towards them and protective it's really lovely to watch how they're relationships have developed as they've got older.

I'm sure you'll be fine and depending on when your DS will start school it shouldn't be very long for all of you until you will have just the baby at home on school days.

Congratulations OP and Good Luck

Have you met your MW yet OP? I found discussing past birth experiences and fears with the MW when pg with the next really helpful. Perhaps you could choose a different hospital to give birth in this time?

No two births are alike either. A friend of mine also managed to get a CS agreed for DC2 as her first birth had been so traumatic...I know some people may consider that slightly controversial advice, but it worked for my friend and may at least be something that you could enquire about?

3.5 years is a great age gap, your DC1 is old enough to be able to enjoy being really helpful. He is also young enough to be having some time at home with you before he stars school, I had a 4 age gap and the older DC felt like they were being packed off to school just as the baby had arrived.

There is a 3 year and 3 month gap between my two. It really works as the older one wanted to help and can fetch wipes and toys for the baby. They really love to help at that age.

Also your oldest will be gaining a lot of independence at nursery. Just make sure that when you are feeding the baby, you have stacks of books to hand to read to your other child. This helps prevent any rivalries for attention.

Mine are great friends.

Just to say I had terrible PnD with ds1.

Hated the horrible shock of motherhood! Colicky baby, no sleep. Was in a right mess.

Just had ds2 7 weeks ago (2.9 year gap) and it is SO much easier this time around!!

The "shock"'to the system of having a child just isn't there this time. Ds2 just sort of "fits in" to our routine with ds1.

i didn't adjust well to motherhood - I don't know if it was PND, but it was certainly a massive culture shock, I struggled with no sleep, and was hyper anxious about lots of things. I hated the first year, and we planned to stop at one DC.

When dc1 was three and I was and I was just starting to feel normal again, I fell PG with dc2 a whopping three weeks into a new job. I was very unsure, but carried on with the pregnancy.

dd2 was still no easy baby, but everything was easier the second time around. Not that things were much different, I still HATE the small baby phase, but I knew how hard it was, and just mentally ticked off each day as a day nearer to the time when we'd all feel normal again. After a tough first year we are thrilled to be a family of four dh has had the snip now though

I was only going to have one baby. Pregnancy was dreadful with hospital admissions for hyperemesis, birth ok, but first year - didn't know what had hit me. Loved my baby to pieces but struggled with motherhood. Then suffered horrendous guilt cos I only wanted one child. In retrospect I mistook this for not being ready. My second came along (planned after a mc) with a 4 yr gap. A difference experience. Birth was fab, he was settled and we felt complete. I got relief from the fact that I didn't have to do it all again and I underestimated the positive relationship between my two children.

Also don't forget that your DC1 will be growing up and changing. This happens very quickly and it does get easier in many respects.

3.5 yr age gap Pnd and horrendous first experience, second has been wonderful, no Pnd. Can honestly I have loved every minute

Sorry you've had a rough time.

You will all be fine, your DS will be a great age to 'help' in small ways - get him excited and involved and he may even help you buoy your spirit if you're having a wobble.

Can you sound out some close friends and family to provide a network of help for when DH is not about? - people love to feel they can help you know, just ask

Thanks so much everyone - great to hear positive experiences. Dreading telling everyone as everyone usually likes to tell you the worst!

While DD2 was planned, I was quite concerned about having a second after a traumatic birth, crap recovery & PND with DD1. It couldn't be more different. I had an ELCS and it was really civilised. Recovered much quicker - there are doom mongerers out there re CS, but I doubt they've had a properly bad VB.

Having DD1 about (4.5 when DD2 was born) has broken up the new baby tedium. I've really enjoyed the baby stage and it is flying past. No sign of PND. I now believe that people enjoy having a small baby, I thought that they must have been making it up before. I'm envious of pregnant women as I'm not going to get to do this again.

DD2 is a chilled baby, and that might make a difference, but DD1 was pretty easy too. I'm a much more relaxed parent.

Oh, I'd also say that having DD2 has helped me mentally, in terms of moving on from DD1's birth.

I had a roughish birth with ds,bloody terrible after care, and a baby who never slept,so was determined he'd be an only. Dd is nearly 11weeks old, the birth was empowering,and I've found it much easier this time round. There are fucking tough days,mainly in the first couple of weeks, where tiredness and hormones hit. I just had ds playing/watching tv in my bedroom while I napped on the bed. Or as soon as dp walked in he'd be handed a child so I could Have a very long hot shower (also works long crap hours)
Now though it feels right im surer of myself, ds loves his sister, I can enjoy her baby stage and watching him adjust to his new big brother role. It's surprisingly easier and feels far more natural than I and everyone i know thought it would be.
Congratulations OP

Thanks again - i agree that ds1 will break the tedium i found so hard previously - he is goid, chatty company - exhausting but no time for internal thoughts with a toddler in tow! Also, next baby will be a spring baby - ds was a deepest, darkest winter - im sure that will help. Nothing seems so desparate in sunshine and fresh air but maybe that is naive.

Congratulations

My dd1 was 3.5 when my dd2 was born 14 weeks ago. I really struggled after the birth of my first daughter, I was miserable, completely shell shocked and it took until she was about a year before I felt ok, returning to work saved my sanity I think.

Dd2 has been so easy, I thought it would be harder but it's just been great, she's just slotted into the routine easily and like others say it's actually nice having the company and help from my older daughter.