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Original poster

How to talk so kids will listen- success stories please, I'm struggling!

47 replies

Chairmanofthebored · 11/09/2015 09:51

I have identified that my parenting approach up to now has been quite authoritarian and this has lead to a fair bit of conflict and shouting. Not all the time you understand, we do have plenty of love and happy times too! I am trying the approach in the " how to talk so kids will listen " etc. book. I'm finding it to be really helpful. My kids are 7 and 4 and the youngest has just started school. However, my daughter has had two almighty tantrums (she's the elder) two nights in a row. One about homework, and not wanting to do it, another about something really trivial. I really struggle to find the strength to praise her and be empathetic when she is being so ridiculous over something! How do I do it? Anyone?

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originaldoris · 11/09/2015 09:53

Ahhh. Being calm is the answer. The more you yell, the worse they behave....and its not good for your blood pressure.

How are you for time?

Original poster
Chairmanofthebored · 11/09/2015 10:00

Very true! Do you mean time right now or in general!

OP posts:
ragged · 12/09/2015 09:00

Agree that being emotional never seems to help anything.
Sometimes look at parenting like a job, you just do your best & don't take it too personally whatever they do.

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Cedar03 · 13/09/2015 21:57

I send my 8 year old out the room on the very rare occasions she has a full on tantrum. Last time she did it I said to her very calmly "If you can't control yourself you must leave the room. I don't want to see you again until you have calmed down."
If I remember right it was over something completely and utterly ridiculous and I've no idea why she made such a fuss. Incidentally this was done months ago and she will now talk cheerfully about how awful she was.

I'm not sure why you want to show empathy with a child who is throwing a tantrum anyway. You want to show them that you are not swayed by a tantrum and they can't use it as a reason for getting out of doing homework. I also blame the having to do homework very much onto the teacher's shoulders - so you have to it because Mrs xx wants you to not because I want you to. It seems to work here.

RandomMess · 13/09/2015 22:01

It's the first full week back at school I presume? She's knackered and beyond reasoning probably.

I do remember things such as "Let me know when you've finished so we can cuddle" and leaving them to it.

Strawberrybubblegum · 14/09/2015 10:04

Cedar, I think the reason for showing empathy to a child having a tantrum is that it calms them to feel understood (rather than them turning you into the enemy) and then you're in a better position to find a way through.

So, for the tantrum over not wanting to do homework, I'd try something like 'You really don't want to do your homework, do you? I bet you're really tired after school. But, you know, in life we have obligations. That means sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do. When does this homework have to be done by? OK, that means you need to do it tonight. Do you want to have a bite to eat before starting, or do you want to get it out of the way now? Once it's done, we can do xyz. '

With the trivial one, do you think it was actually about something else? Or just her picking a fight because she was tired and felt crappy? Could be worth trying something like 'I bet you're so tired, being back at school. It's hard when the holidays end.' And then if she agrees: 'Is there anything we can change to make things easier?' (and then try to problem solve it together - obviously has to be a solution that works for the whole family not just her).

I don't think you have to praise all the time - and you definitely don't have to praise during the tantrum! I think it's more just getting in the habit of doing descriptive praise for the everyday positive things like if you ask her to set the table, saying 'thank you. It's really helpful when you help me get everything ready.'

DD is only 2.5, so the reasoning has to be quite simple for us, and it certainly doesn't always stop the tantrum - but I find that saying rational things helps me keep calm!

Strawberrybubblegum · 14/09/2015 10:13

(btw, for things to change, I mean things like having a snack as soon as she gets out of school, or cutting back on after-school activities, or getting things ready the day before so she can stay in bed 20mins longer in the morning - not skipping school Grin)

Original poster
Chairmanofthebored · 14/09/2015 20:52

Strawberry bubblegum, thanks for your post. That's exactly how I want to deal with them. It's not about shouting and confrontation but at the same time they still know who is in control. Some days its so hard to praise and be understanding though when all I want to do is tell them to piss off and leave me alone!! (I don't say this by the way, that would be awful!)

OP posts:
BrendaandEddie · 14/09/2015 21:01

I think adults
A) over instruct kids
B) dont let them know The Plan for the day/trip etc

Both of these get kids shirty

BrendaandEddie · 14/09/2015 21:03

also - in addition to accepting their feelings, do the aha, ahum thing.
I tell you they open up loads more

Plus the jokey thing eg a note from the towel on the floor ' You make me feel so worthless, i want ot be a posh w

BertieBotts · 14/09/2015 21:05

Combine it with another book called When Your Kids Push Your Buttons - that has been more useful for me.

If the praise isn't working then try a method from a different chapter - sometimes empathy isn't quite the right approach for example and sometimes praise can come across as patronising, especially if you are saying it out of wanting to praise rather than it being genuinely meant.

Someone on here years ago did a crib sheet, it was brilliant! :)

BertieBotts · 14/09/2015 21:07

I definitely don't think that HTT is all about praise and empathy, anyway. Those are two strategies out of at least 20 in the book. And the rest of the time you're meant to use common sense - it's not supposed to replace all other communication between you, but reduce the amount of confrontation.

BrendaandEddie · 14/09/2015 21:11

twas me and ahundredtimes

think it went into classics.That book I think is excellent. we never shout, we never slam we never hate each other. We all just mooch about

floatyflo · 14/09/2015 21:12

I've been reading talk so kids will listen too.
I've just been stuck in this awful cycle with Ds 5, of him whinging and stropping ALL the time and me being snappy and cross with him. The more he whinges and doesn't listen, the more I got cross, the more cross I got the more he whinged and yelled.

From reading the book I know where I have gone wrong and it has taken alot of hard work to break this cycle and be more positive and understanding of him. It has made such a difference to his everyday behaviour and attitude and the bad atmosphere in our household has lifted.

However, it's all well and good if he is well and good, ifyswim. But occasionally he does kick off, for example the other day when I asked him to put his shoes on to go to the shops. He didn't want to go and started to protest but got into a right obnoxious crying yelling state and I have no idea what to do then to be honest. Getting cross or yelling obviously doesn't work but the techniques in the book don't bring him out of it. Any ideas?

BrendaandEddie · 14/09/2015 21:14

distraction
' you know son, one day a dog winked at me on the way to the shops. I htink it was trying to tell me a joke'

Sob

' in fact i am sure it was called Paul'

sob ( quieter)
If we pop your shoes on now ( you start doing it) we can go and see how many dogs we can count

IE just totally change the subject

floatyflo · 14/09/2015 21:14

Sorry cross posted.there. Bertie I will have a look at that book too. He def knows how to push my buttons!

floatyflo · 14/09/2015 21:20

Distraction is a very good suggestion. And often works. But sometimes he will be distract for a minute and have a giggle about the dog named Paul, but then we go straight back to where he left off and continue his crying/moaning/stomping. It's at that point that I begin to lose patience and stay calm. That's probably what I need to work on more than his behaviour; how I react to it. What does everyone do when they are being pushed to limits? How do I keep my stress down?

BrendaandEddie · 14/09/2015 21:22

i also did ( when mine were maybe older) ' I am not talking about this any more'

worked a treat

But tbh maybe your story of the dog named Paul wasnt very good? SHcuzz it up a bit

BrendaandEddie · 14/09/2015 21:23

also when they see an advert and ask for it for xmas ALWAYS say yes sure

they always forget

Wigeon · 14/09/2015 21:24

Chairman, are you me?! Mine are also 7 and 4 and I love How to Talk, although am generally crap at making it work when they are kicking off. The 7 year old is being a nightmare at the moment, making an absolutely massive fuss about loads of things. Eg school want her to read five times (!) a week at home with an adult and she had just flatly been refusing, despite being a good reader, and this being a relatively easy thing for her to comply with. Cue cajoling, then shouting, then general despair from me.

However....two things I do do which work are not disagreeing with them when they are expressing a thought or feeling, however ridiculous / unrealistic I think that might be. You don't have to actually agree that their feeling is a sensible reaction, you just have to acknowledge that that's what they are saying they feel right now.

So DC says in the morning "I'm tooooo tired to put my shoes on". Instead of "You can't be tired, you slept 12 hours last night, and anyway we are late for school, PUT YOUR SHOES ON, I ask you every single day! JUST DO IT!", you say "Hm, ah ha, it's tiring going into Y3 isn't it, time to put your shoes on".

Takes the heat out of the situation sometimes. I read on here "you don't have to enter into every argument you are invited to" and that's so true.

Also doing the "being silly" thing. So DC said "I'm thirsty" in the car when we didn't have any water. Instead of saying "We don't have any water", cue DC kicking off, I said "Afraid we've run out of water. I wish I could give you some water. I wish I could SQUIRT you some water! [pretend squirting with sound effects]. I wish I could fill the WHOLE CAR up with water!" etc. Doesn't particularly come naturally to me, but it can work.

Off to read Brenda's thread - I am very much in need of a lot more help with my parenting....

floatyflo · 14/09/2015 21:26

I'm not talking about this anymore definitely results in more crying and him getting louder.

I can definitely work on the dog named Paul story however.

BrendaandEddie · 14/09/2015 21:29

for the reading thing, have you ever asked her how she imagines this happening?
Do you read to her? Maybe do a deal that she gets a bit longer at stories if she reads to you. Tbh 5 times a week is a bit de trop - if reading is no issue do a deal with her that you do it less.

Or have a little routine that you do it with a mini mars bar each or at a cosy time when siblings are in bed.

Not mum all stressy going ' WE HAVE TO READ" iykwim

Wigeon · 14/09/2015 21:30

Oh, another thing which is working at the moment is giving her a modicum of independence. We were having a nightmare with her getting up in the morning, with masses of nagging from me.

DH suggested we gave her a long-ish time (say 20-30 mins) to put away breakfast, get uniform on, tidy bedroom a bit, clean teeth, brush hair. If she does it quickly, she has more time to play. I was sceptical (thought she'd just mess about and not get up), but amazingly, being trusted to do it is actually working and she is actually getting up. must listen more to DH

BrendaandEddie · 14/09/2015 21:30

yup - re read. She is a good reader. Have you fears she will never ever be able to read?
NO

then give yourselves a break