How to talk so kids will listen- success stories please, I'm struggling!

[Chairmanofthebored]

I have identified that my parenting approach up to now has been quite authoritarian and this has lead to a fair bit of conflict and shouting. Not all the time you understand, we do have plenty of love and happy times too! I am trying the approach in the " how to talk so kids will listen " etc. book. I'm finding it to be really helpful. My kids are 7 and 4 and the youngest has just started school. However, my daughter has had two almighty tantrums (she's the elder) two nights in a row. One about homework, and not wanting to do it, another about something really trivial. I really struggle to find the strength to praise her and be empathetic when she is being so ridiculous over something! How do I do it? Anyone?

i have never ever had a tantrum in the mornings - all three could get themselves up and off to school with me in bed even - at primary. I never saw WHY people have such stressy mornings. they are not perfect, it just works somehow

I agree its leaving them alone. They know what they have to do - leave them to it,

Tonight the youngest have just gone to bed ( are now 15 and 12) no pestering, they are just tired and so have tootled off

Saturday: Me all stressy going WE HAVE TO READ

Sunday: DH gets her to read to him in bed before her stories and she does it like a dream! Then she burst into tears because he said she'd read enough and it was time for him to read to him, but she wanted to continue reading to him! I think establishing the regular time was the key so far.

Re the 5 times a week, the school are big on this: if she does, she gets a sticker in her homework record book, and if she gets 10 stickers, she gets presented with a certificate in assembly. But am slightly resentful because agree it is de trop! But am also big on complying with what the school say even if I disagree with it and modelling to her that you have to do what the school say (the time for questioning authority can come later...!).

fgs just lie
She will read. I PROMISE YOU

Or let her read in teh bath - at any rate ask her. Say if she does 3 LONG reads you will count for 5

e tc
but dont do longones

She reads masses by her self! Eg probably between 30-45 mins every single morning and probably 15-20 mins at bedtime! But hard to tell her "your teacher says you have to read to me 5x a week but I know better and so you don't, and I'm just gonna lie in your homework book".

I'm such a goody two shoes about doing what I'm told. I'm sure the teacher will just KNOW if I invent the 5x. Although this resolution may only last until October...

Fucj the teacher*. She's a reader- she likes to read. Ask her to chat about her book to you. Which character does she like etc.

• I can say that - I am one.

DS is much better in the mornings when left alone, YY.

But that said - it was convincing him that yes he could do it alone and that I wouldn't break down and help/bellow at him if he didn't do it that was the hard part. Bellowing happened more especially when we were already late and he was humorously losing his shoes all over the house and I knew that there was a cut off time at which point the teachers lock the doors and don't let anybody in for 30 minutes.

And you can't threaten to take them in pyjamas when you live on the third floor and they are too heavy to carry down stairs...

Wigeon if she's reading to herself just write in the book that she read alone. Or that she read. It doesn't have to be to you, surely. Or what Brenda said - discuss the story with her - then she has involved you in her reading and you've checked she understands what she's reading and hasn't just made it up. That wouldn't be lying at all.

"I am not talking about this any more" is also great especially when they are in that repeating self phase.

Anybody have any tips on helping a 6, nearly 7 year old accept that a conversation/game/whatever is in fact over? That used to work when he was four but he just carries on now. We are working on "accepting no/stop" but he's not doing very well at it. It's either when he asks for something and we say no and he's keeping on and on until he ends up in tears or tantrumming or he'll start some silly game, which we/I will play along with for a bit until I can sense it getting too silly, or even am just getting bored and I say right I've had enough now, one last go and that's it - but again he keeps trying to play the game until he ends up getting forcibly removed and is then distraught.

Brenda, I have missed reading your posts.....!

I have an 8yo DS who is being just maddening at the moment. This could be quite helpful. I think I might also go back to the original thread as I could do with a laugh just now......

:)

Brenda - that thread you linked to above is hilarious! And very reassuring (I'm not alone!).

You are all right, I should just write down what books DD is reading since she reads masses, not just always with me/ DH. Her comprehension is usually pretty good too, and we build her vocabulary in various ways all the time anyway. (Sorry for thread hijack, OP)

Bertie - I think HTT would say, with your issue of DS not taking no for an answer, that you could grant him an imaginary wish. So

DS Can I have a packet of crisps?
You It's almost dinner time [not actually saying no]
DS But I'm huuuuungry!
You I can see that you are hungry [validate feelings]
DS So can I have some crisps?
You Can you see what I'm cooking? Look at this, do you want to help stir? [distraction]
DS Can I have some crisps NOW then?
You I wish I could magic up some crisps for you! In fact, I wish this whole saucepan was filled with crisps! And that they were spag bol flavour too! etc

Oh god, this is so much easier to do with imaginary conversations with someone else's DC than with real conversations with your own...I am a brilliant imaginary parent!

One problem we are having with DD1 (the 7 yr old) at the moment is in the morning she is picking fights with her sister (aged 4). So sitting at breakfast opposite each other, she flies off the handle because DD2 is looking at her wrong / humming in an annoying way/ doesn't like her face etc etc. Then reacts terribly to us telling her not to speak to her sister in a mean way. Then suddenly it turns into a full on tantrum over basically nothing. Then she storms off, or worse, won't storm off and stands in the kitchen crying and shouting and refusing to leave. Help!

I found leaving it around accidentally (ahem)for the dcs to read worked well??- because it's cartoons they can easily understand it and they can see that other families and children can find it hard to get along. I got the teen one and the sibling one too for the same reason. I think it helped us as a family to develop a sense of humour and anyone behaving badly gets quickly snapped out of it.

YYYY!! I am also a brilliant imaginary parent

He tends to be okay with food etc. The problem is you know sometimes you say no and you then immediately think that you didn't really need to say no, but they strop so much that you can't turn around and say actually okay then.

So the other day he wanted to bring "his" phone (my old phone) to a playdate with a friend. I said okay but you have to ask us if you can get it out and we might say no. He said okay. Asked for it and we said no but you can have it in the car on the way home. Then he started whining and crying that the ONLY reason he brought it was to show his friend. I did feel a bit bad then because I thought actually it wouldn't have been that bad for them to look at a phone for the last 10 mins, but he was acting so stroppy that DH would never have backed down and I didn't really want to, either.

Re: breakfast sibling traumas, could you make a joke of how the 7yo is such a grump at breakfast until she's had her fix? Like some adults are with coffee? Sometimes drawing attention to a behaviour helps them get over it. (Or it will make her 100x worse, but you know :o)

Yes Wigeon, I think you are me!!! I definitely like the sound of that pushing buttons book as they really know just how to do that! My Dad got a stern talking to from teacher yesterday which was helpful. DD told me she'd got most of her spellings right which was a bit if a fib. When I checked she'd got 3/8! So we had a chat about that and I praised her first on the ones she got right. We had talked about how to improve for next time and we have agreed that she does school work as soon as she gets home and no telly until she's done it!
Now though, its my sons turn to be a real nightmare. It took ages to get him dressed this morning as he was being silly and I ended up losing my shit and shouting like a bloody ogre! Arrggg I have not got the patience for it! It's not like I can take him out naked, what should I do in that instance?

Wigeon regarding the 7 year old, remember to keep the positive
When you see them sitting there before she kicks off, say ' oh isn't it nice i have two such kind girls! I bet every mummy wishes she had girls who liked each other as much as mine do'.
We live UP to what we are told by others about ourselves. Remember when a boss told you you were good at something? remember how you then decide you are?
chairman why are you dressing your son? is he under 2? if not then leave clothes out for him and remind him he needs them on. Then walk away. Praise any other kids WITH their clothes on really loudly

Also don't underestimate the power of the imaginary phone call. Act as if you dont intend to let them hear you but pretend to ring your parents or whoever and say " well Algie is SUCH a big boy now he even puts his own clothes on !"

I meant to say also
I think kids arent told enough. I always do this on school trips as WE know how we plan things are going to go and kids have no clue and we get hacked off when the plan goes wrong

Eg in the car on the way home. 'Well when we get in this is what I would like. I need help taking my bags in - is there anyone strong here who can help me? then I am going to see if we can put them all away before the kettle boils. Then I will sit and have a drink while you can go and play until tea'

ETC YAWN

Brendaandeddie if I left him to his own devices he still wouldn't get dressed and then we would be late for school! He would just think he can carry on playing. He's only just turned 4 in August. He hasn't a clue how to organise himself to get ready independently.

That's interesting. Is it just clothes or other stuff?

Have you asked him if he can do it?

Well he is capable of physically getting dressed with the odd bit of help with buttons and socks. He still wears a nappy at night so in the morning he has to have a quick bum wash. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't do that if I left him to get on with it. Last week I gàve him choices of clothes which worked quite well, but to a certain extent I have to stand in the room to remind him what he needs to do next. This morning he just kept on rolling about on the bed and being silly and I just lost it as we were short on time.
Thanks for taking the time for me, I do appreciate it.

Oh yes. Obv bum wipe is your job! :)

Maybe a reward chart thing?

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