Husband being USELESS!!!! HELP!!!

[MumToBe2015R]

Had LO Emerg C-section 4weeks ago. DH was great for the first week. But then my wound got infected and I was admitted in to hospital for a further 4days. But since we have been home from there he's dkne SOD ALL!!

My lovely mum is staying with me because she just feels we need some help with LO! (Cleaning, cooking, looking after me, nights with LO, helping around the house, shopping etc) she's going back to her own place on Tuesday & I really don't no how were going to cope, bcos DH is being useless atm!!!!

My DH has been off for paternity for 2weeks & has now returned to work doing 4hr shifts 5days a week!

But still he is always tired! 5days a week me & mum are doing the nights with LO, and he gets to sleep but I have asked him to at least wake up by 8am so me & my mum can get some rest before he goes to work at 2pm!

But still he seems to get up, and just come & sleep in the living room! So how the hell am I getting rest!

He wants to come home from work, hold LO for abit, then have dinner (which if LO cries or gets cranky he won't leave his food to see to him, that's mine & my mums duty!) he will then have him for abit then go to bed!

Today he's on night duty with me, he only does it 2 days a week so far, and he wants to watch TV until late! So we just have a massive arguement which he swore at me because I told him to switch it off because LO will wake up & I want to sleep! In the end LO woke up & guess what, it was my duty to put him to sleep!

Until today he hasn't steralised LO bottles, he made his feed for the first time today which took him 6 bloody minutes! I mean c'mon how/why has he not already read about how to make it already! He stood there reading the damn box! He's had so many opportunities to do these things but his answer is always 'I'll do it next time!'

As my wound got infected after C-section doctors have said wound needs to be washed (which I shower) but also needs to be cleaned properly with sterile water & gauze daily! Which DH does for me. That's the only bloody thing he does which he also rubs in my face daily about!

I don't no wether I'm being over the top & feel DH is not doing enough or it's just my hormones?!?!

Sorry to go on!!

No you are not being over the top, he is not pulling his weight. Why do you think it is? Is he scared/lacking in confidence,'or just plain lazy? If the latter, then you may have a big problem. He should WANT to help out. I'm not sure what to suggest sorry.

dogwalker I know he Definetly is not confident enough but I just find that as a good enough excuse! He is also lazy but I don't understand why he was so on point in the beginning and not now! In my head all sorts come in like (maybe he's bored of LO, he's not interested, he has interest elsewhere etc) I don't no what to think anymore, I just feel I'm doing 95% of the work! He doesn't see it though, he feels he's doing a lot!

It is harder for men to bond with their baby, Mothers have carried the baby for nine months of pregnancy, which gives a head-start on bonding.

A key characteristic of having a secure bond with your child is meeting their needs. If your DH is not meeting his daughters basic needs, then he will find bonding with her difficult. Poor bonding can lead to an air of 'I'm not all that interested, I don't want to do this' - as he has.

So you could do with helping him learn all the basic stuff - nappy changes, sterilising, making up feeds, settling to sleep. Helping and teaching him is fine, rather than leaving him to struggle. So that he feels more confident in doing these things. Then make sure he does them often, so that he starts to appreciate how much his daughter needs him.

Having a new baby is tiring. It is exhausting for you both. You are coping 24/7 with a newborn. He is having to go to work on significantly less sleep and much more stress at home. No one will win if you make this a tiredness competition. You are both tired.

You are both doing great. You both need to be able to remind each other that you are coping well and doing well with your new baby. Having a baby is hard, hard work. He does need to realise that having a baby is a life changing event.

Congratulations on your baby :-)

I think men do find it harder to adjust as Fate says. I had DS by c section just over 6 wks ago. DH is only really just getting confident to hold him, wind him etc. He was at work the day after i came home and gets up at 4am 6 days a week and 6am on the 7th day. We are lucky in that i have recovered really well, and other than MIL bringing meals for the first few days, i have cooked, washed up, done washing and cared for baby with no help from day 5. I was able to drive after 3.5 wks with Drs approval. I have had my frustrations at DH but he is getting there. Although i was bloody pissed off mildly annoyed when he made himself and his dad lunch today, but not me!

Because he works such a lot he didn't really have much of an idea about what the days can be like, until we had a BAD one last weekend. I think he appreciates what I am coping with a bit more now.

I am BF so he can't help feed but Will be expressing soon so DH can give a feed in the evening. He is also yet to change a nappy.......

I don't think he realises how lucky he is!

Your dh needs to take his full part which he definitely is not at the moment. You're recovering from a major operation. I don't know what to suggest about how to do it. But you are right to be upset.

I find that being direct with DH is best all around. Can you make me a cup of tea whilst I go to the loo. Can you look after baby whilst I shower. Can you change toddler whilst I feed baby etc. I find when I just expect him to do something, and then he doesn't then I get upset. He just doesn't see things that need to be done like I do. We've both agreed now that if I want him to help out/do something I have to be direct because he doesn't know what needs to be done or how it needs to be done. Which is fair enough as he's out at work for a good part of the day.

It works for us and I do feel like he gets it and now does come in and say shall I bath toddler whilst you feed baby. Etc. Do you think a direct approach might work?
It's a massive learning curve for men. It's fine if it takes half hour to make a bottle. They need to start somewhere.

Fucking hell.

Poor menz or what?

OP, this is not harder for him, and he is not a toddler that you should have to train. This isn't about 'making it fun for him' 'building his confidence' or any other shite.

Newsflash - the baby is new for you too, and guess what, you are just learning what needs to be done, and doing it - with an infected surgery wound. He's being a lazy tosser and needs to get a fucking grip, fast.

It's a massive learning curve for men. It's fine if it takes half hour to make a bottle. They need to start somewhere.

Really? Really!? I find this massively insulting towards men.
I take it that all these poor menz who stand in the kitchen for hours staring at a bottle in total bewilderment manage to live their lives otherwise unaided?
Can he dress himself? Make a cup of tea? Drive a car? Hold down a job? And yet, realising that babies need to be fed and grasping the idea of adding powder to water is beyond him? Bollocks. Have a think about it.

He is totally taking advantage of the fact that your Mum is there and that you and your Mum are doing the lions share.

Give him a few areas of responsibility so that he has to learn. I gave DH Bath/Bottle/Bed. Every day. He became much more confident with the baby and they grew to bond. He also had the job of sterilising and making up all the bottles in the evening.

Friday and Satirday nights were my "undisturbed" nights, and I was on duty Sun-Thurs nights.

Get him told.

Give him somethings that he HAS to do.

I think PP have been very lenient and fair.

Personally, I don't think it's your job to teach your DH how to be a parent or hold his hand to help him bond with his daughter, you seem to have 2 babies in your house.

You are both learning, you should both be on this path together. DH and I took turns at everything, nappies, baths, dressing etc and we would talk about what worked and what didn't. It should be a team effort and your DH should want to help.

Being tired isn't an excuse. I bet you're shattered. He also doesn't work long hours so he could do way more than he is doing. I think once your mum goes, you need to tell him specifically what needs done so you can get help/break/support.

Good luck OP.

I see I cross posted with some other posters who worded my thoughts better than me!

I also think you need to repost in relationships, as that is the problem here.

What picnic said works for me too. Although it infudiates me that i have to ask/tell him what to do. No one tells me.

So why do it notta? Do you think his boss at work has to spoon feed him every task? Or do you think he just gets on with it?

If you've already asked him and he swore at you then he is the problem, so, yes you probably need the relationship board. My ex was like that and he never bucked his ideas up.

Sounds like he missed the point of paternity leave if he didn't pick up any basics. As for being so very tired he should go to his GP and get checked over otherwise that is just one big excuse not to roll his sleeves up.

It seems he sees your mum helping and thinks that's all sorted then and is glad to leave you to it. When your mum goes he is not going to have that excuse any more.

Any other couples you know with a baby? It helps if someone else is making it look non scary. Hopefully he will get a grip and start taking the initiative.

NB I hate when dads bask in not ever changing a nappy or making up bottles presumably they manage to wipe their own backsides and fix a meal for themselves.

No, he's not doing enough. Men are perfectly capable of doing what needs to be done. Mine was fantastic after my EMCS, so it isn't some penis related disability. He doesn't need to have bonded to get his arse out of bed at 8am, which is hardly an unreasonably early hour. You should not have to be reminding him to do basic things when you're both responsible for the baby and you're still clearly unwell yourself. Especially as he's only working 20 hours a week anyway!

With that said, I can see why it took him a while to work out making up the bottle. That can be tricky to do, until you get the hang of it. But he can do it now, so future bottle prep needs to be prompt.

And nottalotta, you're 6 weeks post section, BF, and your DH couldn't manage to make you lunch?! You should have eaten his head on a fucking plate. His shitty behaviour is nothing to do with men finding it harder to adjust: frankly that's quite offensive to all those men who do a brilliant job stepping up. The ones who don't, are being shit because they're shit, not because they're men.

Because it works youbastard as picnic says, if I just expect, he doesn't do it and i get royally pissed off. I get less pissed off if I tell him and he does it.

I know its not right and blame his mother. Although its a lot my own fault for putting up with it for so ling. At least our son Will be different!

Why do you think that notta? He will learn behaviour from watching his father.

I don't mean to be harsh, really but it makes me sad that there are so many women who just accept living like this. How can you respect someone as a partner when you have to mother them so much?

But as I said, I don't mean to be harsh. Congratulations on your baby

Its a topic for discussion today liesel as he Will often make himself a drink.but not me. Regardless of baby or BF, its rude.

Dh tried this when we had our dd and he was still dp. We hadn't been together that long, he hadn't had many serious relationships and his mum had been wiping his arse all his life....I ate him for breakfast.

He had to go back to his mum's for a bit because I wasn't taking any of his shit.

And neither should you. Everyone is learning the ropes with a new baby. Everyone is tired and a bit in shock. But everyone needs to chip in.

Dh realised and stepped up very quickly.

You need to have a serious and Frank discussion with him.

If YOU can manage all these things (with an infected surgery wound)
so can HE.

Or, do you 'magic ovaries' mean you 'know what to do' and he can flop around whinging?

He needs to step up.

Rude doesn't even come close nottalotta.

OP i think you need some straight talking.

My LO is 7 weeks and at about week 4 i had an epic meltdown because DP wasnt pulling his weight.

He would come home from work and tell me he was going to get changed and id not see him for an hour cos he was on his iPad... id ask him to cook dinner and then have to spend 15 minutes telling him how to cook fishfingers/jacket potatoes/pasta...

This all came to a head when he suggested that we no longer share the nightfeeds (DS is FF and the agreement was i do the nightfeeds in the week and DP takes over fri/sat) because he's been at work all week and wants the weekends to rest.

Apparently me doing all of the parenting is the sole reason for me being on maternity leave...

I dont think he was expecting me to tell him to pack his bags and fuck off to his mothers as if i was to look after LO without any help, we may as well call it a day.

Your DH needs a kick up the arse

What lots of other people said.

I would make sure that if your DM is still willing to be around, that she does housework, out of house errands, and at a pinch cooking: I know it isn't fair on her but your dh needs to crack on with getting to grips wth caring for the baby so she should step back. Everything is new when the baby is little but just like any new skill, the answer is to put the hours in and magically you find that you learn what to do, as humans are designed to do.