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Parenting

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Original poster

When did you know whether or not you wanted a second?

43 replies

kitkat321 · 26/08/2015 22:53

I'm the lucky mother of the most adorable 9 month old girl. She's a darling but by god she's hard work - how I miss that early baby stage where they just sleep and eat!!

I've spent today packing away some of her baby toys that she's outgrown and was swithering as to whether or not to sell or store them.

Some days, I think I'd love another - ideally when lo is 2 1/2 to 3 but I'm almost 34 so might have to try a bit sooner. Other days, when lo is having one of her more difficult days, I think that there is no way I could cope with two. My dh struggles more with the lack of sleep than I do and he's not 100% bought into having another.

People also tell you different things, some say best to try for another before the first hits the terrible two's and puts you off, others say wait until the first is older and more self sufficient.

To those that did choose to have a second, when did you know for sure you wanted another? And for those who decided to stick with just one, do you ever regret it or are you happy with your decision?

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IndomitabIe · 26/08/2015 23:05

Before we had DCs we decided we wanted two.

Then came DS. I found pregnancy hard (nothing major, I'm just pathetic!), then DS is... difficult. He's got better as he's got older but it definitely took till he was 3 till I could imagine doing it again, and another year for DH to be on board and both of us really ready.

Lots of my friends had two very close together, they all seem really happy with their choices, especially now the children are older. But having two tinies was not the right choice for us.

Currently pg with DC2. There will be a 5 year age gap. I'm happy with that and would have waited longer to be sure if we needed to.

IndomitabIe · 26/08/2015 23:07

Oh, and at 9 months I think I'd pretty much decided never to have another! DS eventually slept through, and eventually everything got MUCH better!

weeblueberry · 26/08/2015 23:08

We knew before our first child we wanted two. My partner would like three but I'm pretty content with two I think...

We started trying when our daughter was 14 months and got pregnant immediately. I knew it was going to be bloody hard work so wanted the little child years all done in a difficult oner. I hadn't got used to sleeping all night again or having lots of child free time - I think if I had I might not have had my second daughter!

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mabythesea · 26/08/2015 23:14

When DC1 was about 2.5 we started thinking about having another.

Original poster

kitkat321 · 26/08/2015 23:15

Thanks both! I'm lucky that dd is a fab sleeper, has a great temperament but she's just quite boistrous and always on the go (although not mobile yet). She's been like this since a young age (in fact she was crazy wild when in the womb) so I think it's just her personality - I worry that as she grows, having to split attention between her and a younger baby means she'll miss out or we'll run ourselves ragged!

OP posts:

mrsmeerkat · 26/08/2015 23:20

I was broody a month after dc1 arrived but had a csection so waited four months to ttc again and five months after dc1 got a bpf

It is hard going though dc2 is great and a good settled little baby or I would struggle

MrsAFlowerpot · 26/08/2015 23:22

When DD was 2 we decided we wanted another...it took until she was 4.5 so a bigger gap than we'd have liked, but we're really enjoying it now (DS is nearly 2)

booksshoescats · 26/08/2015 23:30

When I had her! 5.5 year age gap, not really planned, just wasn't not trying, but had pretty much given up on a second one happening, then got pregnant age 41. Best thing ever - loving the age gap too!

CaminanteNoHayCamino · 26/08/2015 23:32

I always knew I wanted more than one. Took me three years ttcing to get pg with DC1 and he was born two months early, so tried again as soon as periods returned when he was five months. Took 2.5 years to get pg second time. I would have loved three though if I'd had less complicated reproductive history and had been younger. Only you will know when or if it is right for you to have a second. I wouldn't say 34 is old - didn't have dc2 until i was 39. Arguments for and against waiting. That's not very helpful is it? Can you try and think of it from much further into the future, imagining having just one grown-up child, and then two, and see what you think of that? The early years pass so much more quickly than you can imagine when they are only nine months old. Good luck.

DriverSurpriseMe · 26/08/2015 23:34

For some reason everyone seems to think the ideal is two babies in two years, but for me that was an impossibility. It would have killed me mentally and physically.

And yet I knew I wanted two children. No.1 was difficult in every conceivable way though. Difficult pregnancy with severe SPD. Traumatic birth. PND. Difficult child. It took a long long long time before I could even consider doing any of it again.

I thawed when DC1 was about to turn 3 and fell pregnant almost straight away. Then I wondered whether I'd really thought it through But DC1 is now nearly 4, and DC2 is 15 weeks and a delight... but at the easy eating and sleeping age, like you say. I'm hoping this one will be more chilled out than his highly strung sister. If not I'm heading for more grey hairs.

mabythesea · 26/08/2015 23:36

I only know a couple of people who did the two babies in two years thing and both had a nightmare for at least the first year! Lots of friends have gone for 3-5 year gaps and found it much easier.

Whatabout · 26/08/2015 23:39

I'm still not sure about a second and DS2 will be here in 12 days

We made a decision and went for it, we'd always wanted two and for our son not to be an only child. He is 2.3 so s very average age gap. I am 32 and I think I want a third just for the hell of it

Original poster

kitkat321 · 26/08/2015 23:40

Thanks all - I have a younger brother and while we aren't overly close we get on well and having recently lost my dad, having my brother there has really helped and given me comfort. That's one of the things that makes me think a second child is a good idea - it would hopefully mean that when me and dh are no longer here, my dd would still have that family bond.

Ideally, I'd love another girl. I have loads of friends who are close in age with their sisters and they are best friends - I'd love to have that but I know you can't choose the flavour!!!

I think the biggest challenge will be convincing dh that we could cope with 2 - he has a very helpful work colleague with 3 kids who fills his ears with tales of woe and how he has no life because all he does is work and run after the children!

OP posts:

marshmallowpies · 26/08/2015 23:44

OP this could have been written by me...my DH really struggles with broken sleep and can't get by on 5 hours a night, whereas I'm a night owl and can manage night feeds without too much trouble.

He wasn't convinced he wanted 2 - he bonded very closely with DD1 and she adores him, i think he felt that was all he needed, but we both had the sense that 'it's nice to have a sibling' (we both have DBs we are very close to, so have positive experiences of sibling relationships), and I'd always seen myself as a mother of two, so we decided to go for it.

2.5 - 3 years was my ideal age gap too, DD1 having been born when I was 35, I got pregnant again at 37. Sadly I had an early miscarriage and then got into a panic about conceiving again and thought we had better get on with it fast (even if I wasn't quite mentally ready for it). I did get pregnant again very soon after and DD2 was born this year (I'm now 38), age gap between them is 2 years 10 months.

In some ways the age gap is great - DD1 was out of nappies just as DD2 was arriving, and whilst we did have to use a double buggy to start with, we are going back to the single one more and more. DD1 starts preschool in Sept which gives me a bit more 1 on 1 time with the baby. And DD2 will be 18 months when her sister goes to school so we can do mummy & toddler things together which will be lovely.

The downside is that my DH has struggled with the disrupted sleep much more the second time and I think he (both of us really) found the early months very hard - DD2 was a much less chilled baby though she's really turned a corner now. I worried that he wouldn't bond with her the way he did with DD1, but DD2 is already beaming whenever she sees him and I don't think I have anything to worry about there.

Good luck whatever you decide, OP. I hadn't even had my first when I was your age so you never know!

What DH and I both felt, though, was that if DD1 did end up being an only, she was already showing signs of being a very confident and outgoing girl, I didn't feel she would miss out too much (and we have a large family so she has plenty of cousins). I hope both mine will make friends anyway wherever they go, but I hope they will have friends for life in each other.

Inkymess · 26/08/2015 23:46

I didn't want an only child. I wanted them to be close in age. Tough but best decision ever. Mine are best mates, playmates and companions. Everything I didn't have as my siblings are lots older

happygelfling · 26/08/2015 23:46

DH and I each have a sibling with a two year age gap so I think we'd always assumed that we'd do the same.
We have 2.3 years between DD and DS. It was really tough to start with, but it gets easier all the time.
I have a few friends with children the same age as DD who are pregnant with #2. They will have approx 4 year age gap. It looks easier , though

jorahmormont · 26/08/2015 23:47

After DD was born I was adamant I wanted a five year age gap, due to my age more than anything else (I was nineteen).

Fast forward sixteen months and we're TTC number two so that went out the window

annandale · 26/08/2015 23:51

I'd always wanted two and assumed we would have a second, but when ds was 18 months I was struggling. DH was ill and it seemed to me that I was doing approximately 98% of the childcare (this was an exaggeration, it was about 80% of the care and 99% of the thinking). DH had a new doctor who said that if DH wanted to be healthy, he needed to have reliable unbroken sleep all the time with no exceptions, and that included no very early starts. When DH told me this, I just had a moment where I thought 'well that means we can't have another'. We had a wobble, one night where we were officially TTC, but when my period was late I was utterly terrified, not only of the workload but also had flashbacks to labour. DH had a vasectomy about a year later.

I now feel it was the wrong decision but can't honestly be sure that we would have survived it as a couple, if we'd had another.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 26/08/2015 23:52

I had a two year age gap and found it easy. I knew straight away I wanted two years between them.

DS is another three years behind. That is tough at the moment. Balancing a one year old and a six year old is tough. Their needs are so different. I couldn't have managed three any closer, but I almost, almost wish no. 2 had been twins.

FattyNinjaOwl · 27/08/2015 03:52

I always wanted two, but DC2 was not planned at all. DS1 was 4 and I ended up having a ONS with his dad, leading to my pregnancy with DD(DC2) .
she was born when DS1 was 5. I suffered from SPD which did not improve and PND, then went through a cancer scare and then found out I was pregnant again (contraception fail) when DD was only ten months. SPD got much worse and was on crutches since 17 weeks pregnant. couldn't move at all without help by the end. I now have a 26 day old, a 20 month old and a 6 yo! and surprisingly it's not as difficult as I imagined. I've already been through a very difficult couple of years so there's not much more than can go wrong is my theory so I've done both (close age gap and big age gap) both have pros and cons. only you can decide when the right time for you is.

hartmel · 27/08/2015 04:38

We want to have 4 in total.. When we where told 3 years ago that we will never have kids as my uterus is shaped like heart and if I do fell pregnant I would never carry the baby full term.. Couple month later I got pregnant with ds1. He will be two in September.. When he was born I told DH I want to have a min 2 year age gap. DS1 was 3 month old when I had to get my gallbladder removed (pregnancy symptom) and was told again that due to the fact we tried so long to conceive and with my weirdly shaped uterus I won't get pregnant so fast again. Well 1 month after surgery I did get pregnant.. DD1 was born 1 month after my son turned 1.. He couldn't walk yet.

It was a nightmare at the beginning, because ds1 is a difficult child to raise plus he has eczema since birth.

Fast forward dd will be 1 in oktober and she is a joy.. She even gets ds1 to laugh. They play a lot together. It is way easier now.

But what I didn't realize was that I started to get PND.. I thought I had everything under control. (Household, raising kids, trying to keep DH happy)

I would not change anything except taking everything easier lol..

Baby no 3 will have to wait a couple years now.. As I want to give 100% attention to my kids now.

Good luck.

Ifiwasabadger · 27/08/2015 04:40

Annandale that's such a great summary...80% of the childcare, 99% of the thinking, I feel just the same about our one DD.

My Dh would love another, I don't think our relationship would survive.

I had a horrific pregnancy and non sleeping newborn, it was hell. The thought of doing it again fills me with dread. DD is two now and finally easy and so much fun. I am so happy with one...

Ifiwasabadger · 27/08/2015 04:42

Annandale that's such a great summary...80% of the childcare, 99% of the thinking, I feel just the same about our one DD.

My Dh would love another, I don't think our relationship would survive.

I had a horrific pregnancy and non sleeping newborn, it was hell. The thought of doing it again fills me with dread. DD is two now and finally easy and so much fun. I am so happy with one...

Ifiwasabadger · 27/08/2015 04:42

Annandale that's such a great summary...80% of the childcare, 99% of the thinking, I feel just the same about our one DD.

My Dh would love another, I don't think our relationship would survive.

I had a horrific pregnancy and non sleeping newborn, it was hell. The thought of doing it again fills me with dread. DD is two now and finally easy and so much fun. I am so happy with one...

Ifiwasabadger · 27/08/2015 04:51

Annandale that's such a great summary...80% of the childcare, 99% of the thinking, I feel just the same about our one DD.

My Dh would love another, I don't think our relationship would survive.

I had a horrific pregnancy and non sleeping newborn, it was hell. The thought of doing it again fills me with dread. DD is two now and finally easy and so much fun. I am so happy with one...

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