Struggling to adjust to life with baby

[avocadotoast]

I'm finding things quite difficult today and am just looking for a bit of hand holding.

DD is 7 weeks old. DH has been back at work for 3 weeks. I'm finding it so difficult to get things done, to find things to do, to get us out and about...

I can't sit in the house all day so I try and find a reason to go out each day but I'm running out of steam. We go to a baby group once a week (well, we try; it starts at 9:30 so sometimes by the time I've got us both ready there's no point going). I end up just going to supermarkets or shops for no real reason and I'm finding it really fucking boring if I'm completely honest.

DD is a joy (most of the time); she has grizzly times of day but sometimes she will be put down. Others, though... She'll settle in her sling but I find it hard to get stuff done around the house with her in the sling (for instance, washing up - my arms just aren't long enough to reach round her to the sink!). I feel like a failure for being at home all day and not being able to even stay on top of day-to-day cleaning, like the washing up, or tidying the living room, or cleaning the bathroom. My mum came and cleaned our bathroom about a month ago and it hasn't had a proper clean since.

DH does do his fair share around the house and we've always split things fairly equally, but I kind of feel like because I'm at home through the day that I should be picking up more of the house stuff IYSWIM.

I just don't feel like I have a life any more. I know being a parent my child comes first now and that is fine. But I never get any time to myself (whereas DH does, which I think I do resent quite a bit). Again it's partly my own doing because I'm breastfeeding so I can't just pass her to someone for a few hours with a tub of formula. DH has a couple of hobbies that he's still carrying on with; one is regular on a Sunday afternoon (which does annoy me because it's one of the only days we have together, and I could do with the extra support), the other more sporadic and usually on an evening in the week. He keeps saying I need to go out and do something for me but I'm just thinking, how? I need to express milk to do that and I just can't find a time in the day that works to be able to build up a stash. DD is too little to have a proper routine yet so I can't just be like "oh, 3pm she'll be asleep so I can pump then."

Argh! Sorry this is so long, I just needed to vent!

I understand, I was never one for hibernating and watching box sets, I would have gone stir crazy! More social contact is the key. We moved 150 miles from our friends and family when I was 28 weeks pregnant and my NCT group were an absolute lifesaver. I went to baby massage, a breastfeeding cafe, postnatal Pilates, baby yoga... All sorts! I also found myself in sainsburys a lot buying things we didn't need. DD2 is 4 days old (DD1 is 19 months) and I'm now panicking about how I'll cope with 2 when DH is back at work...
Good luck, it gets easier!

I completely and totally understand how you feel..I actually had it worse with my second baby ...I am not at all the kind of person to watch TV or generally lounge about and I was so bored and lonely when my toddler was ar nursery even though people told me to relax!

Honestly you will go mad without friends....you need to go somewhere every day...sign up to and go to everything. ....

Re your husband...I suggest you let him do his activities...time will pass and you qill be able to get out yourself

I recommend not trying to get out without the baby now. .honestly what a waste of time all that expressing is ! The.ebf phase is so so short...either give them a bottle of formula for a break or just wait till they are weaned and go out then !

It's shit and lonely ....get out and meet some sane adults.....

Waterrat, you are so right about the expressing. One of my many mistakes with a newborn. We had to buy a second freezer to hold it all for goodness sake...never used it all...triple J size boobs...never wanted to go out for dinner anyway...

This is the thing, DH keeps saying "you need to go out and do adult things" (meaning, coffee or a meal or booze or exercise) and I just think I have bigger priorities right now. I tried to discuss it with him earlier (approached it from a "I know you're trying to be nice but..." angle) and he just brushed it off with a kind of "it is a priority, you need to still take time for yourself" kind of thing. Which is true, I do, but trying to fit in expressing and freezing just seems like another hassle I don't need.

He also suggested giving her some formula if needed, which I flat out do not want to do. I can't even explain why, I think I just feel like for me if I can exclusively feed her then I should.

I can't add much to the fantastic advice you've already had except for expressing; a revelation for me was the discovery that I could get a brilliant amount off one side while she fed off the other. I then used to freeze it. Just knowing I could go and do something was often enough for me - especially at the early stage you're at.

I'm six weeks in with my first, someone told me that I need to remember that there is no requirement for me to be superwoman, looking after the baby, cooking, cleaning etc and to focus on enjoying the time I have with her because I will have to go back to work at some point.

My DD usually wakes up for a 6am feed, I feed her and once settled I then express, for me this is when I express the largest amount. I then can either freeze or pop it in the fridge for an evening feed with DH. Once expressed I then go back to sleep for a bit. I find it worth sacrificing a half an hour as I know it's a time where she will sleep for two hours approx. I can't do it during the day as she doesn't sleep long enough.

When she does have the bottle I utilise the time to have a nice long shower or do something I like for half an hour.

I'm sure expressing the sensible way long and applecore describe is very helpful....I just went out completely out of control with it (like bottles and bottles a day) and expressing became one more huge thing to get done. I think anxiety related! I now wish I had just EBF because of this.

All this lovely advice in this thread makes me wish I could do it all again to do it so much better!

applecore that's reminded me actually, I'm going to pop the steriliser on now so it's ready for morning. I think a set up like you have might work well as DD will often go back to sleep after her first morning feed (and I usually do too!).

Hi- I haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to say your post reminds me so much of the early weeks with my first. I remember thinking when he started smiling more a couple of weeks later it was perfect timing as I was starting to question whether being a mum was all it was cracked up to be.

It sounds like, if you could manage it, finding a way to breastfeed while you're out and about might give you more freedom? I was shitting myself the first time I did it but I'm now pretty comfortable with it. I wonder if it's worth practicing feeding with the sling on? Once you're in the right position it's very discreet - I remember watching the Tour de France go through my home town last summer, stood in the crowd BFing DS2 and no one had any idea but me

Oh and I second what all others have said about giving yourself a break with housework if you can. It's really not that important! And, when you are stuck feeding on the sofa, make the most of the grown up TV marathons while they last

LHR, I'm nodding along with everything you say (apart from the expressing - I had no milk, but that didn't stop me desperately trying to establish a supply for two months and nearly driving myself mad in the process).

Having a newborn baby made me feel absolutely panic-stricken, and despite (because of?) recovering from a CS, having a restless baby who screamed every time he was put in his pushchair, having to drag a supplemental nursing system with me everywhere and tape the tubes to my nipples to 'BF' him formula, pumping every two hours to try to stimulate supply, and having no support at all after DH returned to work (all family and virtually all friends in other countries), I was running around desperately trying to do things, make new friends, do activities etc etc.

Looking back, I was just terrified, lonely and trying to re-establish control I felt I had lost over my life. I'm sorry now that my main memories of DS's first months are of being frightened and stressed, and I do honestly wish I had been able to calm down about it all and realise it was a very temporary state, not The Way My Life Was Now. I second someone else's suggestion of Naomi Stadlen's What Mothers Do (Even When It Feels Like Nothing).

OP, I hear you absolutely on thinking that getting time to yourself is not really the point - I think I wanted to integrate my life and my baby's together first, and at seven weeks I wasn't ready for adult time, or anywhere near.

Cinema was really good for me. In fact, I didn't just go to parent and baby screenings, I just went to weekday lunchtime films where there was hardly ever anyone else. Swimming, too.

I think expressing is a major hassle and there is no guarantee baby will take a bottle. It took me hours to express one full feed plus if you go out and miss a feed you risk engorgement. You could just go out for an hour if you want to do a class/meet friend for quick drink -dh will cope if he has to (a dummy might help?)

With my first dh would take him out for a good hour or more walk in the buggy whenever he could (certainly every sat/sun) so I could relax or do whatever at home. My mum/mil did this too.

Have you got a local clinic? The hv should have a list of local groups and activities. I tried to do something daily - weigh in, bf support group, baby massage, music thing, coffee... if you go to a few activities it's easier to make friends to have lunch with etc. With subsequent babies I did a lot less proper groups as I had a good network by then.

Not managed to read it all yet but just throwing my experience in. It didn't get easier for me, I started to drown in it. Eventually I admitted to DH first then the Dr and Hv how I was feeling and have since attending a group with mums who felt the same. It has been honestly changed my life. I wish I had spoken out after things didn't settle with dc1 but felt it was normal.
I'm sure things will settle, as other posters have said a lot of what your feeling is completely normal but if it doesn't get better, reach out in RL, it's worth it x

It has honestly *

nomoreminibreaks I've actually been feeding out and about for a while - in fact I think from DD being about a week old! I haven't mastered feeding in the sling yet and not sure I will until she's bigger and can support herself more as we're currently using a Connecta.

I think what I really need to do is find more groups etc through the week. I did see a baby yoga class on a Tuesday, but it's DH's day off and I don't really want to eat into time we can all spend together. I know there is a baby cinema screening on a Wednesday though

If she is fussy about taking the bottle initially you can freeze what you express and it will last up to six months in the freezer, so there is not rush to use it. Just get some freezer milk storage bags and date each one.

My aunty had a good stash in the freezer and used it when she finished breastfeeding.

I'm in exactly the same situation so have just read thread with interest. Lots of good advice here. I think the thing that comforts me most is people saying it's short phase and by 3 months ish there should be a bit more of a pattern/routine emerging.

Hello avocado. I can't offer you any more than the excellent advice you've already been given, but I can reassure you that you're not the only first time mum to feel like this. In fact, today (and most week days) I spent a good hour walking around the shopping mall with DS in a carrier. I love him but I am finding this phase incredibly boring. I've been reassured it gets better as they get older!

Hi op, it sounds as though you are missing contact/conversations with other adults as like you say you can fill your day wondering round parks, supermarkets etc but it's not really much fun on your own.

I used to work as a family support worker for a sure start children's centre. I'm not sure if the baby group you go to is at a children's centre? But if you go to your local one and register, someone should tell you what activities they have on that you can go to, or look online to see what's on free in your area. If you are honest with them and say you are struggling a little bit, they'll offer you some support and that might be someone popping round to see you at home for a chat for a few weeks, or going along to a group with you to introduce you to other mums.

Don't be afraid to ask to swap numbers with another mum, or ask if they fancy going for a stroll after group, or add them on fb etc. Other parents will be a real life line to you.
Good luck

Oh, just thought of something else that helped me. I set myself a goal of every day doing a) one active thing b) one social thing c) one "intellectual" thing and d) one self indulgent thing. This could be as simple as a) 5 minutes of post-natal exercises b) text my mum or a friend, c) skim the news headlines and d) eat cake. Or it could be as much as a) Go for a long walk b) meet a friend for lunch and c) do an hour of an online course (e.g. futurelearn) and d) eat cake. It meant that even on days when I didn't do much, I still felt like I was managing to achieve something with my time (and that I ate a lot of cake).

seaweed, that's a great idea! I think that could be really helpful.

I've been eyeing up a mum & baby exercise class for a few weeks now, so I think we'll head to that tomorrow (it's the first week we can go anyway really as they recommend waiting 6wks after birth). I've also just ordered a new sports bra and told DH I'm going for a run on Sunday morning (I'll probably be gone less than an hour so I figure DD will last that long without a feed - and I managed to express this morning so there's a little stock in the freezer now ).

Pleased you managed to express avocado and that you've got some stuff planned now :)

I know it's easy to say in hindsight, but 7 weeks is still really young. Please give yourself a break. Seriously, you're doing really well if you're managing to meet your basic needs at this age.

Good for you for expressing and scheduling your run!

Honestly ignore him telling you to go out and definitely don't if you don't want to...looking back the ebf phase is essentially six months of your life...its so short. ..I hated expressing. ...it stops you resting properly when the baby is actually content or asleep...I ebf for 7 months without a bottle and managed to get out locally for a beer minus the baby by the end of that time !

avocado you sound lovely, and all of this sounds totally normal in my experience. EBF is hard-going for the first 3-6 months but deffo eases off and is so convenient (and free) and really rewarding, despite being a bit restrictive.

When dd1 was tiny I felt flummoxed with how simple my life had become. I was used to working in a busy, full pelt job, and then all of a sudden was making a whole day revolve around a walk to the post box or a quick trip to the doctors. It can be soul destroying....

The advice on here is great. Do some research into local groups, classes and activities and see what you fancy.

My friend calls the first 12 weeks "the dark days" and I called them "the fog" It will get easier and busier and more fun and less functional. You've got to grapple with a whole new identity, get to grips with your place in this new world. It's the same you but in a different world now and it's tricky to reconcile all of that. 3.5 years in and I still struggle tbh so 7 weeks in is totally normal to be feeling a bit WTF about it all.

You sound like a resourceful lass, so I suspect you'll find your stride soon enough.

Also, your DH. If he's anything like mine, he'll be saying all the wrong things but have the best intentions in mind. I honestly don't think men go through the same seismic shift that women upon becoming parents, and to be frank I think when you're bf-ing they end up feeling a bit of a spare part because they simply can't do as much, so they're not immersed as much, so they don't "get it" as much. Going for a run on Sunday morning sounds like a wonderful idea, I hope you enjoy it.

I left dd1 for the first time when she was 7 weeks for a couple of hours one afternoon for an event I'd been invited to. I found it all very surreal. I wanted to be back in the real/adult world but felt like I'd lost a limb because I wasn't with her. I was twitchy but did enjoy myself though was relieved to get home to her too. But I'm not very good at letting go and I think bf-ing makes me like a lioness which poss doesn't help.

Anyway, I'm waffling now..... I guess what I'm saying is this adjustment is huge and will be gradual. It'll sneak up on you sometimes and other times you'll feel like you've made it. It's really fricking hard to get used to the idea that your life is not your own, and not will it be as it used to be. But even that will become normal sooner or later.

Ahh the joys.....

There is loads of good advice on here about things to do. My baby was born on the Monday, on Saturday we were down the park with my SIL and nephews, the next Tuesday we were in the pub having a pint and chips. I really couldn't hack sitting in all day. But then the weather got crap and I didn't have so much choice - I didn't want to go out so much. I went with it... hard though it was. My baby is 9 months old now, and I look back at those few months and wish I could spend some time in front of the telly!! We actually go out 'out' less now - no cinema (imagine... urgh, the horror chasing a baby around the whole time), no cafes (again, baby menace), but do lots of play dates with people I met in the first few months. Just sit around drinking coffee, letting kids run amok and doing gentle moaning about our other halves.

I think that apart from a very very few, the men just don't 'get' it. It took my partner much longer to accept that life as he knew it was over. I think he had a wobble at 6 weeks, then another one at 3 months, then only a few weeks ago was being a bit odd. He actually looks after ME very well, and has done all along, but was slightly pants with the baby other than playing with her/holding her when I needed to do something, until she was about 7/8 months old and I stopped breastfeeding. Even this morning we were having a 'conversation' about how he needs to help me at night more. She doesn't sleep through, and I'm going back to work in 6 weeks - there is no way I can go back in my current knackered state, I need some chance to catch up a bit before I start back. I think he was genuinely shocked that I was asking. Haha.