advice on all the things I'm doing 'wrong'

[bambi07]

I am trying to remain confident in my own decisions but there are so many people telling me so many different things, I dont know if some are truer than others.

My DD is a big girl, she is 17 weeks old and 16lbish. She is breastfed and has followed a steady line since birth. I get a LOT of grief about the fact that my baby is "fat" from my in laws, apparently it is my fault she will be obese all her life because I "stick a nipple in her mouth everytime she squeeks". I feed on demand.

So many people have said that I should be weaning her by now, to the point that one family member has even suggested I might be "neglecting" her needs because of her size. She does not appear interested in food and I intend to wait till she is 6 months old. In laws have also given her chocolate when they have been watching her for me and when I found out I cried because I was so angry.

She is not a good sleeper and wakes every 2-3 hours on a good night, my own DM has even said "babies should be sleeping through at 3 months, I wonder what you're doing wrong?". I have tried everything to improve her sleep but have decided to not stress and ride it out, stick to a routine and keep at it.

I spoil her because I dont leave her to cry and I will ruin her, which is incredibly rich coming from MIL as she raised the 2 most spoilt people I have ever met! I dont want to leave her to cry as she is a tiny little baby and she needs to know that I am there for her. She still sleeps (I use this term loosely) in our bedroom in her next to the bed crib.

She is a hot baby and I only cover her in a light blanket at night because she fights like crazy in a sleeping bag. Apparently what I am doing is plain dangerous and I should be using a sleeping bag. This one I'm not as confident with because I'm not sure how best to dress her at night. Last night she just slept in her nappy and was very clamy.

Sorry its a long one, just after a bit of an unbiased opinion, I like to think I trust myself but all the opinions make me doubt myself. x

Oh and babies of 3 months can't get "bored" - in nature they wouldn't have toys etc. 2 groups and a walk out sounds perfectly normal. I tried to do too much and ran myself ragged!

Oh and babies of 3 months can't get "bored" - in nature they wouldn't have toys etc.

The brilliant thing about babies is that EVERYTHING is new. There is no other point in life where OH MY GOD THERE IS LIGHT COMING THROUGH THE WINDOW AND MAKING A SHADOW or HAVE YOU NOTICED THE RUG IS REALLY REALLY GREEN! AND IT FEELS LIKE... SOMETHING! can be a total highlight of your day.

I think you are doing a seriously good job and everything completely 'right' if was such a thing, and the only thing I can see that you are doing 'wrong' is putting up with far too much from your in laws. If it were me we would be seeing them for two hours every year at christmas at the most. There is no way I would put up with it!! And nor should you.
I think you need to distance yourself very quickly as they are ruining your self confidence and your experience of motherhood.
I did not see my MIL for literally months and months at a time. I explained to my husband I felt she was a negative influence on us, I put my foot down and decided what was right for me and my baby. This is a very common problem and you are not alone.
Do things your way, enjoy your baby, enjoy her gorgeous chubby legs and kiss her little tum for she will soon turn into a lean toddler motoring around and will feel loved and happy because of your choices for her, she will have a confident and happy mother who is not undermined or pushed around. Be a good example to her and get rid of those who erode your happiness.
Ditch the in laws and feel the liberation in doing so! It is wonderful!

PS tell darling dh we have not slept for ten years! That is children for you! Get used to it!! :)))

Not photogenic because she's 'too fat?' What a crock of shit. Babies are supposed to be fat, it's lovely and perfectly healthy!

FWIW I know four people who were big babies and every one of them is a slim adult. It doesn't work like that.

Your ILs are talking bollocks, well done for standing up to them and keep up the good work!

Babies are supposed to be the size they are, if they are healthy.
My dd is a long thin baby. But she is healthy. Thankfully her cheeks and face are round, it's taboo to have a slim baby even if they grow.

Babies are not "supposed to be fat". It is not always perfectly healthy. They're supposed to be fed on demand and reach their natural weight. Some are bigger, some aren't.

I had two perfectly normal, skinny babies. I got all the grief about how I should give formula/wean because my milk obviously wasn't good enough.

Smile and nod, op, smile and nod. Then carry on doing whatever it is keeps you and your baby sane, healthy and happy.

We'll done on standing up to your MIL!

I really think memory plays so much of part in the helpful advice. Both my GM and my GMIL honestly believe that their children slept though from the moment they came home from the hospital. Even if they had one each it'd be unlikely, but there's 11 children between them

My mum thinks its about time that DS was weaned off bf. I just nod and agree and occasionally throw the WHO reccomdation to breastfeed until the child is 2 in there. No idea what she's going to say when his fast approaching 2nd birthday comes and he's not weaned yet!

Keep on going, you're doing a great job

OP, sounds like you are doing a cracking job of raising a healthy baby in a natural and nurturing way.

Keep doing what you are doing and ignore those comments. SMile and nod and maybe even "I might try that when she is a bit older, thank you..."

Dont let them undermine your confidence. you baby is happy, growing, alert...ANd you know her better than anyone else in the whole universe. Trust yourself.

My DCs never bloody slept, & were constantly on the boob. Totally knackering. And now all three are slim, athletic, independent, intelligent, beautiful kids who make me proud every single day.

Thank you again. I agree on keeping them at a distance and 2 hours every Christmas day sounds reasonable to me! I have had a talk with GMIL and FIL today too, just to make sure I dont hear the 'fat' baby comments ever again. They were a bit sheepish but I think they got the message.

MIL has learnt in the past that I can go NC with her very easily and she is the one that will miss out. She went around telling everyone I was making dangerous decisions about my baby before she was even born, as I wanted a home birth. Didnt speak to her for months, not even when I had my lovely home birth, all went smoothly and she was allowed to see baby when she apologised about 3 weeks later.

I had a tiny bit more sleep last night so have a clearer head, no more listening to negativity, including from you too DM!!! xx

OK OK, I wasn't out to offend those with 'skinny' babies! No baby is really 'skinny' the way I see them, they're always rounded and soft, whether they're long and slim or short and round. It's ridiculous to criticise a baby for being 'too chubby'.

I always got the "he's very fat comments" from my husband's dad's side of the family. He was 17lbs 12oz at your daughter's age, I don't even think he looked that chubby. He was ebf until 6 months (we also got the "he's big, he needs food earlier than 6 months" line too), it was just what was the right line for him, he has always followed that line and still does at 17 months.

We don't sleep train either, and your parenting decisions sound sensible to me, try to ignore the nasty comments!

My dd is 14lb at 9 months but average length! She's following between the 9th and 2nd percentile. She fits 9 month clothes!

Your dd sounds like a beautiful, healthy, bonnie baby - I love seeing their rubber band rolls on their arms and legs, it shows a very well cared for baby.

Believe me, in a few years you'll look back and ask yourself why you ever doubted yourself. You are doing everything right.

Perhaps worth reminding the old biddy of a MIL that parenting advice and techniques have changed - based on evidence! And thank goodness for that! Besides which it's none of her damn business - she's your baby!

I remember having the same doubts as you (although thankfully my family were not the root of them and were very supportive). Ds is now 4.5 and I couldn't be prouder of him, and us! You're doing great.

You just got a slim 'un then squizita! DD's on the 75th percentile and clothes that fit her in length are baggy round the middle. She's long

Only thing you're doing wrong is listening to this misguided and outdated advice from your ILs. They think you're over feeding her but then offer chocolate and suggest you start wearing... Wft? My mil gave my pfb (now 10!) a chocolate button on her first birthday and I nearly had a fit . I would be raging.....

Wow sounds like you handled that really brilliantly op, that should stop any future crap fingers crossed. My mums favourite is to say 'gosh he's / she's a lump!' About my babies. She's said it about each and every one at some point. Even when ds2 was a day old and had arrived 3.5 weeks early and had thin little legs and arms. He's 25th centile now 8mo and she still says it.

I absolutely love babies pre-crawling when they have the gorgeous legs spilling over the nappies and the creases

Stay strong and don't put up with any crap! I was too stressed out with DC1 and did lots of things I now regret (like stopping BFeeding) because I felt bullied into it by family members. With DC2 I'm much stronger and just tell them thanks for the advice but I'll do things my own way in other words F off!

Why do they have so much input? How often do you see them? When do they have the opportunity to feed your daughter chocolate? If you are relying on them for childcare you will have to be very diplomatic and considerate of their feelings. But personally I would be clear, polite and honest. I'd say something along the lines of 'some of your comments are quite unthoughtful and upsetting. I'm really enjoying my daughter, and am confident in the way I am raising her, so just trust me in my decisions about food, sleep etc. and please stop telling me I'm wrong'. Actually, I'd change 'I' to 'we', as then you are bringing your husband into it and it's not so much you against them.

Hi Bambi, I haven't read all the replies but can get the jist of what people are saying here. I completely understand how you feel cos I went thru exactly what you are going thru with my parents on both sides. My DS was and still is B/F on demand and the stick I got for that you can only imagine!! Like people say on here - you have to ignore them and don't talk to them about sensitive issues. My mum never B/F and so has no idea about it (same as my OH's mum). I was like you - sticking a nipple in his mouth every time he cried - because that is what the midwives told me to do!! There's nothing wrong with doing that because he is a baby and he relies on you for his food. Only you know his needs and they become more apparent the longer you're a mum. My DS is 19 months now and he is fine. He was B/F exclusively and we STILL co-sleep now. I had no end of stick over that one too!! He shouldn't be in with you, etc, etc. But we knew he was safe and he was moved into a cot next to our bed anyway. (read 'Three in a Bed' by Deborah Jackson) The other thing I had stick about was the weaning thing ... I had two MILs insisting he should be weaned around 5 months, but we went on a baby-led weaning course and followed that method and it was fine. It was OUR CHOICE!! I must say it has got easier over time. Things just sort themselves out. People on here were so helpful when I was in your position all those months ago! Now I don't listen to the preachers and do it my way and they have actually learned to butt out! Good luck Bambi - you'll get there gal!! Just think two fingers to the preachers.
Take care x

dd is 2 ebf, weaned at 6 months, still has bf before bed, usually only once over night and then first thing. She hated sleeping bags and coslept until 18 mo and never sleeps through.

ds 11 mo is ebf. and a huge baby. weaned at 5 months through big sister slying food to him although official weaning didn't happen until 6 months. can't sleep without a sleeping bag. Wakes three hourly for bf. co sleeps.

I didn't have much of a clue. Just went with my gut. Never ever left them to cry. ever.

The best bit of advice I can give you is to ignore everyone. Practise your "don't give a fk what you think" face and carry on. Ime everyone thinks they can comment on how you raise your child. Especially if you bf/ co sleep or anything else that just doesn't sit with how they did it with theirs.

enjoy your baby and it sounds like youre doing fine to me

Your not doing anything wrong. Breastfed babies can never get too fat because they control the amount of milk they get according to their appetite. Responding to a babies cries makes them feel secure, its what your supposed to do. That's why mothers have a hormonal response to their child's cry, it often triggers their letdown etc. I would just nod away and ignore, ignore, ignore.

You sound like you are doing really well, all babies are different some sleep some don't its just that simple. In terms of feeding on demand she's only 4 months she will be fine and in a few months when you do start introducing food she will probably go a bit longer between milk feeds. Babies of her age don't over eat- its much better for her to be a bit tubby if she gets Ill or starts teething and decides to go on hungry strike for a few days tiny babies can loose weight really fast.

Leaving a baby to cry is a personal choice I personally can't leave my DD to cry, I've also read enough for the lasting effect of controled crying to make me feel I'd rather be tired! And carry the rod for my own back I've made around with me all day

In terms of your MIL I would try and find a firm and polite way to tell her to piss off!

Keep doing what your doing and just ignore them

My son was a chubby baby, now 6 he's very tall and a nice build, not fat or thin. My daughter is 13 months and chubby, she's losing weight now she's walking, has never bothered me though, she's always been happy and healthy and never over fed.

Lol at your baby meant to sleep through at 3 months. My daughter was still waking once a night up until 12months, she's now sleeping through (touch wood)
Everyone has an opinion but your the mummy and if they can't respect that I wouldn't chose to be in their company until they do.
Enjoy your baby, don't worry, this time just goes by to fast.
In regards to sleeping, maybe download a white noise app on your phone, helps my babies settle into a nice sleep x

I'm getting sour face from my DM because I'm still BF (twice a day) at 13mo. I get 'when will you stop?' At least once a week. Basically, no matter what decisions you make, someone will have an opinion. Be confident in yourself - motherhood is great for that, I'm on DC2 and finally have the guts to tell DM to back off when necessary!

BTW my (FF) DC1 was enormous, pre-walking. He's now a skinny but muscly little thing. Fat babies don't always grow into fat kids!