advice on all the things I'm doing 'wrong'

[bambi07]

I am trying to remain confident in my own decisions but there are so many people telling me so many different things, I dont know if some are truer than others.

My DD is a big girl, she is 17 weeks old and 16lbish. She is breastfed and has followed a steady line since birth. I get a LOT of grief about the fact that my baby is "fat" from my in laws, apparently it is my fault she will be obese all her life because I "stick a nipple in her mouth everytime she squeeks". I feed on demand.

So many people have said that I should be weaning her by now, to the point that one family member has even suggested I might be "neglecting" her needs because of her size. She does not appear interested in food and I intend to wait till she is 6 months old. In laws have also given her chocolate when they have been watching her for me and when I found out I cried because I was so angry.

She is not a good sleeper and wakes every 2-3 hours on a good night, my own DM has even said "babies should be sleeping through at 3 months, I wonder what you're doing wrong?". I have tried everything to improve her sleep but have decided to not stress and ride it out, stick to a routine and keep at it.

I spoil her because I dont leave her to cry and I will ruin her, which is incredibly rich coming from MIL as she raised the 2 most spoilt people I have ever met! I dont want to leave her to cry as she is a tiny little baby and she needs to know that I am there for her. She still sleeps (I use this term loosely) in our bedroom in her next to the bed crib.

She is a hot baby and I only cover her in a light blanket at night because she fights like crazy in a sleeping bag. Apparently what I am doing is plain dangerous and I should be using a sleeping bag. This one I'm not as confident with because I'm not sure how best to dress her at night. Last night she just slept in her nappy and was very clamy.

Sorry its a long one, just after a bit of an unbiased opinion, I like to think I trust myself but all the opinions make me doubt myself. x

You sound like a wonderful mum and all the advice your extended family are given is bonkers!

Kill them with kindness, lots of

"Mm mm hmm, well the advice for weaning/sleeping/feeding has changed a lot since you were a new parent" and repeat.

Or just give a non committal "mm hmm" and do as you please.

Or roll your eyes and laugh and say "oh that's hilarious!"

I'm so so sorry that your early days with your baby are being blighted by big gobs who can't keep it shut.

Like everyone else, I cannot see you are doing anything 'wrong'. Some people like my mother just can't help themselves.

It will all fall in to place, your confidence I mean. And you really will turn around and wonder why you doubted yourself, so waste no more time! Enjoy your baby x

good advice from everyone, i would just add to google sarah ockwell-smith on normal infant sleep, i found it reassuring. 'bad' sleepers have higher iqs apparently

As you gain in confidence you won't care so much what others say- and I agree with pp, you're doing nothing wrong! It's frustrating as we want approval and support, but outdated advice, different methods and a lapse of memory can make well meaning family members seem unsupportive and unhelpful. Even today I had to repeatedly inform my very helpful and kind MIL that my four month old did not need water, breast would do, and yes she's feeding again because it's hot! I let it wash over me as after all, they may have brought children up, but they haven't brought your child up, you know best.

Sounds like you are doing everything right, don't be so hard on yourself and take MIL "advice" with a pinch of salt ignore all the shit she's spouting.
You are doing what's best for you and your baby, she's still only tiny so BF on demand and not leaving her to cry is the best thing.
I had similar bullshit from my MIL who weaned DH at 6 weeks and encouraged me to do the same, despite the fact DH has has chronic stomach/digestive issues all his life.
I agree don't let MIL take care of your DD for a loooong time if she can't respect your most basic, normal, wishes!
Be firm and just repeat "thanks for your advice but I'll do what I feel is best for us and our baby". Your DH needs to tell them to F off too

I am reciting those phrases JassyRadlet I particularly like the last one, I think that might shut them up, at least for a short time!

Just another voice adding to all the PPs. My DD was basically the same baby as yours at that stage- gorgeously chubby, EBF on demand, waking 2 hourly at night etc. and I responded to her exactly as you do which had my inlaws slightly baffled (responding to her BEFORE she cries?! Good Lord!). I got the whole rigmarole- she'll be spoiled, should be sleeping through by 6 weeks (ha!), let her cry a bit etc etc.

She's now 14 months and the inlaws have had a bit of a Damascene conversion and now exclaim over how BF is great as she's never ill, and what a happy, calm, chattering little thing she is (all true). She's got a great but well regulated appetite and is starting to slim out now that she's walking (still lots of delicious squidge though). She's so responsive and loving and full of joy. Sleep still isn't perfect but they all love minding her as she's so relaxed. God this reminds me how much I just adore her!

Absolutely keep doing what you're doing and ignore any helpful "advice". The payoff in the lovely secure attachment you'll have with your DD will be worth it.

Thank you all, I am loving my new role as mum and cant believe how much I love her more and more everyday. It frustrates me that they dont see the beautiful, bright and happy little girl that I see, they only see "a fat baby", it's all they ever talk about and the fact that they hope she "grows hair soon". I want to punch them all miserable sods!

If they say anything about her weight again, maybe just look them in the eye and say yes, please don't EVER give her chocolate again. They can't have it both ways! And just ask if they would like you to bring around some of the current guidance so they can get up to date?

I wouldn't mention the sleep situation again, mum asks me how dc3 is sleeping (8mo) I just say fine and change the subject (co sleeping and helps himself throughout the night or I would never be able to function get the dcs to school etc) need to know basis .....

God they really do sound unremittingly awful. What a bunch of cunts.

Your DD sounds divine and you sound like a gorgeous mum. Don't let the bastards grind you down! Just think, if everything you're doing is the opposite of their advice, your DD is less and less likely to ever turn out like them!

You sound like you are doing everything right. They are giving you incorrect and outdated advice which would not be heathy for you baby. Tell them to butt out and go educate themselves and don't leave her in the care of your inlaws. I would be livid if I found out somebody had give my baby solids too early.

OP, I'm adding my voice to all the other PPs to say you're doing a fabulous job. What a well cared for baby.

If it helps, I got a lot of this type of 'advice' from our parents generation, they base everything on the advice from 30+ years ago. Luckily with my Dniece and nephew being around my MIL learnt quickly from my SIL (she's much stronger than I am) all about the 'new' ways of doing things. I had to be quite firm with my parents but because they like being involved they cottoned on fairly quickly.

All the others that offer advice along those lines I think I must now just ignore as it doesn't bother me anymore. It really did at the start though so I know the feeling of questioning yourself.

I think I have even been known to utter 'oh yes, that sounds good I think I'll give it a go' then totally disregard said advice seconds later!

Enjoy your lovely baby, I wish my DS was chubby, he is a beanpole baby with hollow legs!

to you

Tell them to fuck off.
Mumsnet made me realise I was doing it right.
Tell them that everyone else says you are right and ask with the head tilt, why they are so convinced you are wrong?
Then tell them to fuck off again.

You sound like you're doing brilliantly - easy to say but try to IGNORE. But I would like to say one tiny thing - I grew up in a very hot country, and apparently it's better to dress the baby in a little cotton vest and nappy rather than no clothes just a nappy - because otherwise there's nothing to absorb the sweat. So just a plain vest and nappy.

Op you are doing all the right things the amount of advice doesn't get better I've had sooooo many 'helpful' you should be doing it like this comments and dd is my second!
MY only advice to you is listen to it all smile and nod then only do the things that fit YOUR child and YOUR household. No one knows your dc as well as you do and you are meeting your dds needs brilliantly. take care and trust yourself x

You're not making any mistakes at all. Sounds like you're doing a fab job. I'd be furious if my in laws have my baby anything before I weaned, let alone chocolate.

I got A LOT of grief with dd1 about waiting til 6 months to wean, about doing baby led weaning and not purées, about keeping her rear facing in the car after 10 months, about keeping her rear facing in the buggy as she likes to talk to me when we're out.
Now I'm on dd2, they've not bothered commenting because quite frankly, dd1 is a fab wee girl and a great eater and I think they can see that the decisions I've made haven't been detrimental and also that I won't listen to their bull.

It will get easier, just stand your ground.

Thing is you need to stamp on this now or you will be listening to their ill informed opinions for the rest of her childhood. Almost everything they have suggested sounds bonkers by the way. I'd be really blunt and tell them to butt out you will raise your child as you see fit. They may huff but will get over it eventually. It took a few goes of this with my mil but she now keeps her opinions to herself and occasionally expresses them to DH who reminds her of our previous discussions

wow - stick to your guns, this kind of pressure is awful. My DD breastfed to 1yr and i stuck a nipple in whenever she squeaked. for a time she was off the top of the size charts and she is still a big girl, but just tall rather than obese. waking often is not a case of 'bad sleeper' - they have tiny tummies and are hungry! there's no good and bad with babies, just needs.

whenever i got any grief about size, squeaking, sleeping etc i just nodded and smiled beautifically in 'agreement' and then didn't do anything. theres very little they can say or do with that!

All your choices sound absolutely fine.

The chocolate would have made me so angry. Even if it was a good idea and what you wanted, you should be the one to decide - and the one to experience that with baby for first time. Not them! So so beyond acceptable.

I would suggest a nappy and vest at night but nappy and light blanket perfectly fine option - why could they think this would this be dangerous?

I don't believe you can spoil a baby by stopping them crying. I was told I was going out too much with baby and should spend more time in the house singing to them (by someone who hadn't heard me sing - or for that matter didnt really know my habits).

The choices you have made actually sound "textbook perfect" - I hope I can say this without offending anyone who did differently - I think it really is better for different parents and different babies to do things differently - but at the same time you sound like you are doing great.

In my job I see a lot of babies and I'd say most do not sleep through the night at 3 months. If they do they don't often consistently but I don't know the statistics or my skewed population! Frankly the only thing you should say to Mum who is up often at night is something sympathetic and offer a cup of tea/chance for a nap (without feeding them chocolate when Mum napping!). I have met so many parents who did same thing with different children and got different patterns of sleep in the first year at least.

I am irritated for you just reading them pick apart what you do. I did have some minor concerns from relatives (eg weaning a big baby early and "still" breastfeeding) but they made the suggestions gently. I just kept going with a positive spin. Smiling when possible.

eg "won't you need to start giving him food soon, he's a really big baby?"

Me "no, luckily he is putting on weight fine and getting all he needs from milk"

them "look at him trying to grab that sandwich, he could practically feed himself"

Me "yes he is great at grabbing things isnt he, he'll be well able to help himself WHEN we start weaning"

them "he looks hungry"

me "I'll feed him again soon"

them "so and so has started weaning their 2 month old . . . they were ready"

me "well HV says your not supposed to leave it much longer than 6 months so won't be long to go before DS is weaned too"

I try and be rational that they think they are being helpful by getting me to do it their "right" way.

pjsgalore I will do that tonight, I worried all night about her being too hot/cold, its the one point Im less sure of really.

Me and MIL have just had a frank conversation about baby's weight, she was looking at photos iv taken and commented about how baby is not photogenic because of her chubbyness. I told her I love every picture of her and not to mention her weight to me again, it is getting on my nerves and making me not want her to be around my gorgeous little girl. She actually apologised and said she didnt realise she was mentioning so much, Im sure it wont be the end of it but she wont get many more chances now iv said my piece. It hasnt stopped my little one smiling though, she already knows to ignore stupid people!

They can't help themselves, if I hear one more comment about my Dd1's 'lack' of hair...

wanted to agree with a pp - Sarah ockwell smith is the best :)

when relatives challenged my decisions I'd sometimes tell the hv about it so that I can say "thanks for suggesting X but hv explained that...", that way it's not always your word against theirs iyswim

keep up the good work

If she was a happy, skinny baby you'd be getting the same people going on about how you need to feed her more and should wean her to put some weight on her. Enjoy your baby and invest in ear plugs

I have not rtft but your DD sounds exactly like mine! She was a right nipple-monster - exclusively breastfed until 6months and very VERY chubby. She is now 22mo, has slimmed down a lot but has an incredibly healthy appetite and will eat pretty much anything.

She still wakes once a night but frankly, cry it out was not for us (no criticism of anyone who does it, just not for us) and she usually ends up in bed with us at 1 or 2am. I no longer care what anyone thinks, I care about my relationship with my strong, beautiful, healthy daughter, which is just splendid, thank you.

DD is also generally a warm person which MIL cannot understand as MIL is generally very cold - she is constantly dressing her in slippers and cardigans which DD is constantly taking off (DD is wearing naught but a nappy in bed in this weather).

You sound like you're doing a fabulous job, and the only thing you have to work on is your confidence around your family!

You sound like you're parenting perfectly normally OP. My dd is tiny (9 months and just a bit bigger than yours!!!) but similar otherwise. HV etc happy with everything.

If you did want the peace of mind of a "grow bag" at night, you can buy 0.5 tog and 1 tog easily online. My dd sleeps in those plus 1 layer except in winter.