SIDS guidelines....A question

[MrsO501]

I know that the sids guidelines state that my DS should sleep in the same room as us until he is 6 months and this is what we are doing but i just wanted to ask if anyone knows what it is about being in the same room that decreases the sids risk? Is it that you can hear the baby, or is it something else? If we are asleep and not looking at our DS then why does it make any difference that he is in our room 6 feet away from us? I am confused!

But it isn't really self-sacrifice if it is what you would rather be doing.

I hate the way that if you don't agree wholeheartedly with putting yourself first you get labelled as being horrible. No one can ever argue in favour of the baby for fear of being called nasty.

It isn't one-upmanship, it's just my opinion. I'm not saying it to be unpleasant, it's simply my view on things. I thought that was what the OP wanted, just because I don't agree with most other people doesn't mean I shouldn't say anything.

I'm guessing that the irony of complaining other people are mean, when you called people who didn't do the same as you selfish is going to be lost on you....

There are ways of giving your personal experience and preference that don't also involve being judgemental of those who do differently. You don't have to come over all "What about the poor babyeeeeee".

I'd also expect my opinion to be lost on you, but oh well!

I do agree I phrased it badly in my first comment, but there was no way to edit it once I'd pressed post message. I wouldn't dislike anyone who decided not to do it, it's up to them, it was only because someone said that "of course it isn't selfish" when, in a pedantic way it would be, but I wouldn't say that someone was a selfish person for doing it, but it is a technically selfish act as you are prioritising yourself over someone else.

I don't doubt for a second that people would criticise some of my parenting as people disagree on how to do things, it really doesn't matter, I wouldn't be hurt by someone's differing opinion as I'm very confident in the decisions I have made (so far!). Are there things that could be improved upon? Yes, so I try to do better next time and that is absolutely fine. I don't think I'm in anyway perfect, and if I ever post a question on a forum asking for advice I happily read all differing points of view and take on board the bits I think will work and disregard the rest.

I never came over as such, you interpreted it that way as you don't like being told someone wouldn't do what you would as they would prefer to minimise all risks to their child if possible. It's not like I said if you see an oncoming dog, chop off a limb so you can distract in just in case it attacks your baby, it's just sitting in a room and reading a book for 6 months worth of evenings, so is hardly taxing, that's just my view, it seems a really minor inconvenience to me.

I read somewhere, when DD was tiny, that the risk from sleeping in her own room was equivalent to the risk from formula feeding. I wish I could remember where I'd seen it, but I'm afraid it was too long ago. I was satisfied that it was such a tiny risk that the benefits of a good night's sleep for all of us outweighed it, and put her I her own room at 3 months. That was my risk assessment for my baby, yours might be different.

I do appreciate all the different points of view and the food for thought. I think it would help if the bodies producing the guidelines and midwives gave a bit more explanation about the reasoning and science behind them.

The problem with SIDS is that they don't know. They just know that groups of babies with x and y circumstances are less likely to die of SIDS.

OP, this is such a difficult one.

We kept DS in our room until he was 5.5 months then, exasperated with all of us disturbing each other, put him in his own room. Having said that, we did put him to bed on his own for an hour or so before we went to bed from about 2 months Until about 4 months DS was very Velcro and I couldn't eat a proper meal, sometimes DH was working away so we couldn't do shifts. I also was bring treated for PND and anxiety and getting an hour on my own in the evening was recommended, even considering the SIDS advice.

Conifer, I don't think doing that was a selfish act. To be able to care for DS and breastfeed him (thus reducing the risk), I needed to eat properly. I also believe it isn't advised to let a baby sleep on you on a sofa for safety reasons, although lord knows, we've all done it. Even when you thoroughly explained, you were still being very judgemental, you need to understand not every baby is the same and the same thing simply does not work for everyone.

FWIW OP, I know someone who is a very highly trained intelligent medic. She read through the studies and made a decision that, for her babies, it was better for all of them for them to be in their own room. I think (I am not medical) the thinking behind it is that the CO2 you breathe out encourages the baby to breathe, certainly it is having someone else breathing in the same room that is the reasoning.

I think no matter what happens, even if your DC simply has a bad night it is only natural to second guess and question yourself. I find the only way to get through is to make an informed decision as possible and work that with what works for you.

Libraries is correct (this has been posted at least three or four times now) - they can't because they don't know. All they have in fact is correlation, and they won't ever know because SIDS is too rare to do any more research.

The breathing/Co2 thing is a theory, nothing more.

If you look on the lullaby trust site, they should have links to the research, fsid used to. Most people don't want to read studies, though, they just want to be told what the evidence says is safest.

There was a webchat here a few years back with Helen Ball which is worth a read, on sleep research :)

Thanks bertie.

www.mumsnet.com/onlinechats/helen-ball

Webchat link :)

Conifers PND carries issues for the whole family. A woman who is prone to it, on her own all day with baby, then when partner comes home (because she is breastfeeding and anyway it usually falls to the mum) almost immediately goes into a darkened room away from the other adult ... This carries risks for the child via the mum.
Far more children are affected by unsupported/unreported maternal mh issues than die of SIDS.
But there's this stupid idea if you're doing something that makes you feel bad it's "better" and you're not "selfish". In many cases you are selfish: as they say on planes "put your own oxygen mask on first".

I sat every night for 7 months with my dd. My rampaging Post Natal Anxiety flared up massively. It affected where I took her and made me physically ill.
I was told to stop by a HV.

Actually during THAT particular 6 months of your life, being able to potter about for an hour or two and speak to another adult is a health need for at least 1 in 4 new mums.

I am repeating, as it seems to be being buried on this thread, that most people will not need to sit "in a darkened room" with their baby all evening. Some babies won't sleep with any noise around them. Many babies will sleep anywhere if they feel their mother is somewhere around. Put a lamp on instead of the overhead light. Sit on the sofa and watch telly with your dh, or chat. Mumsnet or Netflix, or buy baby crap on Amazon. This is the reality of "keeping the baby with you in the evening" for most people, and I wouldn't want anyone currently pg to think they were condemned to a solitary dark room. Their baby might not sleep in a living room; but don't start from the position of assuming that will be the case for every baby.

I had pnd with the baby who was put to bed before me at night, and none with the baby who stayed with me in the evening. A whole host of factors go into pnd it is hard to come out with one rule about how to avoid it.

Actually iggi, lots of people have said that. It isn't 'buried'. And yes, most newborns will sleep anywhere. I would say somewhere after 3 months until the magic -6 months is a lot trickier for the majority of babies (but obviously not all ). And some will tolerate light but not any noise. Comparatively few will let t have a normal evening around them all the way to 6 months.

Squizita - I remember your posts fro. that time (have recently nc'd) Opportunities to spend time with your partner are very important.

If people who have had issues irl with mental health have shared their stories, it's really bad form to suggest either their babies are weirdos for needing to sleep in dark/quiet, or that their in some way making it up to be spoilsports.
Imagine if I went over to the childbirth boars and did the same with something physical "well I tore badly in my natural water birth so all this water birth stuff is rubbish as there are other factors..." It would sound appalling.

Mental health is health.
Women's truths are truths and need to be believed.

FWIW I feel after 3 months moving around and staying close (popping in and out of the room) to be an effective compromise in that there will still be a little noise to prevent extreme deep sleep. After all in hospital they don't have a nurse sat next to every crib stock still 24/7.

Squizita, is that directed to me? I think you must have read a different post to the one I wrote in that case!

...also I was sharing my own story, which is as valid as anyone's.

Iggi - I don't know if Squizita was responding to you. What I would say is that you must have a different reference pool to me. I would say that the baby who would allow you to sit on the sofa and chat past about 3 months is the unusual one, not 'most' babies. Now, that's only anecdata, but across all three of my kids I can only think of one person I know whose babies would do that right up to six months.

When my DS hears my voice he tends to wake up in the evenings (less so during the day) so I am coming to the conclusion that we will be putting him in our room to sleep for an hour on his own before I go to bed, with the monitor etc. I just think that it is important for my DP and I to have some time together when he gets home from work. I have been struggling with feeling quite down, anxiety and not sleeping well for DS's first couple of months and just starting to feel better now so I think this is the best choice.