Feeling suffocated and overwhelmed!

[Kzl1987]

Hiya, I'm new to mumsnet and looking for somewhere to vent and get advice if possible. So for the last couple of months I've begun to feel a bit out of my depth at home. I have 3 little boys 4,2 and 1, and a partner of 7 years. The boys seemed to have stepped it up a few gears with their demands, fighting and screaming. I just don't have enough pairs of hands, they terrorise my house making a mess and breaking things, they don't do as they are told told, my 4 year old has started hitting me when he doesn't automatically get his own way. I'm struggling to keep up with the housework and the washing, everytime I try to do anything the chaos begins. I can't seem to find a balance atm, I try and explain to the boys that if they just let mummy tidy up then we will have space to do something together but then they just get impatient. My eldest is in pre-school 3 hrs a day and 2 year old in nursery 2 afternoons a week but with the timing of each session and the fact I have to rely on hourly buses getting home I end up wandering around or going to the park killing time before pick ups so I don't have any of this time at home to get anything done. I will say that my boys are angels when we are out of the house, I can take them anywhere, I get compliments off of random people saying how lovely and well behaved they are! My eldest is his teachers favourite and they happily admit it, his last parent teacher meeting they said he's a dude and an absolute pleasure to work with and I know they are gutted he's leaving soon to start big school. So they aren't bad kids at all, my issue is being at home. I can't go out all day every day there's not enough to do where I live and I won't get anything done at home if I'm not here. I can't remember the last time I had a break, my partner works 12+ hrs a day 6 days a week so hel pretty much sit down and either fall asleep or turn on his xbox or sit with his face in his phone. If the boys are even awake when he gets home he becomes irritable with them within 5 mins. We never go out on his day off and do something fun with the kids, he can't be bothered, il quite often take them over my mums so he ends up with the house to himself for the day and even then I get home and am lucky if he's picked the toys up off the floor. I can't remember the last time I dint have to cook tea or got to sit down and watch some telly or have a bath in peace. We have had multiple rows over the fact I never get a break and he never does anything with the kids, and I don't mean take them out necessarily ie. Yesterday evening he got home a bit earlier than usual so the boys were happy to see him, I was trying to cook tea and load the dishwasher (a nightmare job as my 1 year old likes to try and sit on the door) they were asking him to play in the garden and push them on the swings which would've been helpful so I could get on with what I was doing and he said no and sat in the living room on his phone! Just little things would help but he won't do it, he's too tired because he's been at work all day. When I've tried arguing my case over the break thing he says I have it easy yet as I say he gets annoyed and starts shouting at the boys within 5 mins of being home. I really feel like I'm struggling atm I can't get through to him I need some help, I can't get through to the boys that mummy needs some space to get things done, I don't really have any friends where I live, and my parents both work full time so I have nobody else to ask. As I write this theyv destroyed my living room, I just feel like it's endless atm. I know this is parenthood and it's whats to be expected from having 3 young children but I need some advice to manage the whole load better, and how to get my partner to take me seriously, I'm half in a mind to pack a bag ready to walk out the door when he gets home and have a night at my mums but this will cause ww3, when I ask him for help he makes out I can't cope which makes me feel like I'm failing. I can cope but I need some help sometimes just to make it easier, the list of jobs a day is endless. Please don't judge me thanks a lot:) x

You are a lovely strong woman and you do not deserve to live like this. You need to put your three sons first. He is selfish and is making them go without and is not showing interest in them when he is at home x

Oh gosh that was very brave I'm sure it took a lot of courage to do that. In some ways it sounds easier if I could just leave but I guess you had to start from scratch again? I think il do as you suggest and speak to my hv don't get me wrong she hasn't been judgemental over it at all very supportive, she can see I'm a good mum and she's always so lovely about my boys but I know she didn't have a very good view of me taking him back, she rings me every couple of weeks to see how I'm getting on and asks if I need anything it's just hard admitting I got it wrong and that I've not done the right thing. I'm so afraid that il have to answer to social services one day if things get out of hand. Il ask her advice and go from there. The last time he kept bouncing around on people's sofas which was half the reason I caved because I felt guilty.

I will try and discuss how I'm feeling with him today but this feels like history repeating itself so I'm pretty sure I know where it will go. Il talk hel get obnoxious about it , il cry and hel have every reason at the ready as to why I'm wrong and being stupid and just put me back in my box. You never know he might surprise me. Il see what his mood is like when he wakes up my concern is obviously the boys are here so if it annoys him they will witness the argument.

There's no shame in admitting to your health visitor you got it wrong my taking him back. She will help you. Don't feel guilty about him, he has bought this on himself. Guilt kept me where I was for 4 years as my DP had a bad childhood so I thought that was why he was a rubbish parent but in fact he was just selfish. It was hard to move out but now it's done I am so much happier. We can eat what we like, house doesn't have to be spotless, we can only afford second hand clothes and toys at the moment but I make sure the dds have everything they need and they don't realise it's second hand. When I work again we will be able to afford new.

I make sure we have enough for new shoes, hair cuts, toddler groups, craft materials. We buy second hand books, toys and clothes. We also buy some new clothes from primark or the supermarket. It's the first time I have been in control of what I buy for my dds

And I can spend all my time focusing on the dc instead of resenting dp

Good luck. I'm rooting for you. You sound lovely and you deserve better.

I hope the talk goes well, if you need to talk in here to support you whichever ever decision you make. Stay strong for your boys sake

I have to say it was nice just concentrating on the boys when he wasn't here before, just having the freedom of not having to answer to anyone else. I'm glad you are on your feet and you and your kids are happier, things can only get better:) I'm a bit similar with oh, he didn't have the best childhood his mum walked out on him and his dad was very strict. We often have the clash of opinions when disciplining the boys because he thinks I'm to soft on them compared to his harder approach. I just want them to be kids, I don't want to spend all day telling them off not that they pay much attention anyway. Everything is quite calm this morning for a change, we are watching a film having cuddles, that's probably because I feel a bit calmer after venting lol. Amazing how much they pick up on even when nothings been voiced isn't it. Il definitely take on board all the advice you've given me.

Thanks everyone Il let you know how things go the next few days, il ring hv tomos if talking to him later gets me nowhere. Wishing you all the best with what you all do I really appreciate your input, it's helped me put a lot into perspective x

He's not going to change, and he seems to be financially abusing you. If you can find the strength to leave and stay gone, it sounds like you'd be better off in many ways - if you can get gone before his son comes to stay it sounds like you'll avoid a lot of anger and conflict, and save your sons from seeing that too.

kzl1987, I had to just accept that he'd never change, that I'd made a mistake, forgive myself for making that mistake, learn from it and move on. Which is what I've done, and I'm happy now. The years with young kids are hard, and they're even harder imo if you're dealing with feelings of resentment & financial abuse etc..

Like aloneandtrying says, it's hard at first. I felt such a failure when I left. But gradually those feelings lift. You begin to accept the situation. New opportunities open up in front of you.

How did today go, was he in a good enough mood to talk to? X

Hi all, he woke up at 12 complaining about how achey he was, as I wasn't going to mums coz they were coming here to help take some things to the tip for me, he suggested we move the boys bedrooms around to try and get bubba used to being in the other room. So I agreed and said I'd make a start as I'd done my tidying up downstairs and it seemed like a good excuse to have a good sort out of their rooms as there is junk everywhere anyway. And surprise surprise I spent 3 hours swapping them around on my own or with the kids should I say, at one point he shouted up the stairs to let him know when I need the bed and cot moved and when I did that he said I'd have to hang on coz he was busy playing with his lego collection. It annoyed me too much to really say anything because I'd of lost my temper with him. by the evening I was nackered my back was aching and I asked if he fancied cooking tea and he laughed and said not really. So I think I agree that he won't change, it's all about him and how tired he is or what he wants to do. Forget I've just nackered myself out trying to accommodate his son, I get no appreciation for that. And to top it off he's forgotten to leave my bus fare today so looks like me and the boys will be walking the school and nursery runs today, nightmare because it's about 9 miles of walking all in all and will be lucky to get home by 6pm tonight. Hope you all had a good weekend though:) x

he'd be no loss.
Talk to your hv again.

Oh no that is awful :( what he did yesterday is bad enough but forgetting the bus money and now you and the boys will spend all day walking is not on. Please think about leaving him, you do not deserve this, he does not care about you or the boys he is selfish. I know this as my ex was selfish. He watched me empty overflowing bins after a c section which he refused to empty even though it was boiling hot weather and flys buzzing around them as he had left them so long :( don't let him bring you town, you are a good mother please be strong and put your boys first. I know it's hard but we are all here for you when you need to talk x

i'm compelled to comment on this: jesus wept, you are doing an amazing job and this man is adding precisely NOTHING to your life apart from stress and misery.

what kind man would valet his car before putting shoes on his kids feet!

we are all here to support you. i really feel it is time to think about making a phased plan to get I'm out.

do not let the 16 year old move in!!!

It's really hard because I know after the last time hel make him leaving very difficult. I don't know how to approach it so it doesn't cause the same problems. My hv is on holiday so they've made a note for her to get in touch next week. His son is due to move here on the 12th, I've tried saying no before that we aren't in a stable enough place to offer him anything but I get knower, I don't have much other choice but to go with it for now x

Please be strong and think of yourself. Once your stepson moves in you are stuck. Is there any way you could leave with the boys instead and go and stay with your mum? Just for the time being and then one day apply for another house. Sending you hugs x

Thanks, that's something I would have to discuss with the council really. We were living separately when I moved into my house as where I was living before was to far from his work so he rented a studio flat and we just had weekends together. So he has no right over the house really and if I just walk away il be giving up my tenancy so I don't know if they would rehouse us. It might be worth a call tomos to see where I stand on it tho:) x

Maybe if you left and lived with your mum for say a year and then reapplied to the council saying you are looking for a place of your own again x

No. You need to get him to leave if your name is on the tenancy.

Call Women's Aid ASAP for help. The police can also help with this. You are being financially abused and they do not look on this kindly - whatever he may try to tell you, things have moved on.

Don't give up your tenancy, please! I know getting him out seems a mountain to climb, but you've done it once and you can do it again. He's being financially abusive - he's in the wrong - he's the one to go.

Massive x-post. Yes! Women's Aid and/or the police. You can do this.

I understand that it's tempting to wait until your health visitor comes back, but the problem is that with every day you put it off, it's getting harder.

The closer to his son coming - and the more preparations you've gone along with - the more your partner will be able to persuade you that 'it's too late' , 'it's not fair on his son who is EXPECTING to have a new home with his dad', 'you're taking it out on his son' etc and the more guilty you will feel. (By the way, all those reasons are bullshit - he's manipulating you).

He might well also bring the date forward without telling you - you don't really know how long you've got.

If you wait until the son has moved in - no matter how much you insist it's just on a trial basis - it's going to get A WHOLE LOT harder again. Your partner will be even more entrenched, and even more reluctant to leave since he'll have to find somewhere for his son too and he'll lose face with his son and also his own friends. An older teenager is effectively an adult, so you will now be outnumbered - and even if that isn't physically intimidating, it's much harder to fight for your best interests against multiple people (your children are too little to back you up). Your partner and his son will guilt trip you - and you're more likely to fall for it because you'll feel bad about his son having to move again.

It's really hard, but you need to act NOW. You can't wait for your health visitor. I agree with previous posters - call women's aid or the police.

They're on your side, honestly. I don't know why you're worrying that getting out of a situation that's bad for your children will make social services think badly of you! OK, you made a mistake giving him a second chance, but that's really not a big deal. Everyone is just going to be really happy that you're taking control and doing the right thing for your kids.

And don't move out of the house. It will be much harder to get it back if you and your children are living somewhere else.