Feeling suffocated and overwhelmed!

[Kzl1987]

Hiya, I'm new to mumsnet and looking for somewhere to vent and get advice if possible. So for the last couple of months I've begun to feel a bit out of my depth at home. I have 3 little boys 4,2 and 1, and a partner of 7 years. The boys seemed to have stepped it up a few gears with their demands, fighting and screaming. I just don't have enough pairs of hands, they terrorise my house making a mess and breaking things, they don't do as they are told told, my 4 year old has started hitting me when he doesn't automatically get his own way. I'm struggling to keep up with the housework and the washing, everytime I try to do anything the chaos begins. I can't seem to find a balance atm, I try and explain to the boys that if they just let mummy tidy up then we will have space to do something together but then they just get impatient. My eldest is in pre-school 3 hrs a day and 2 year old in nursery 2 afternoons a week but with the timing of each session and the fact I have to rely on hourly buses getting home I end up wandering around or going to the park killing time before pick ups so I don't have any of this time at home to get anything done. I will say that my boys are angels when we are out of the house, I can take them anywhere, I get compliments off of random people saying how lovely and well behaved they are! My eldest is his teachers favourite and they happily admit it, his last parent teacher meeting they said he's a dude and an absolute pleasure to work with and I know they are gutted he's leaving soon to start big school. So they aren't bad kids at all, my issue is being at home. I can't go out all day every day there's not enough to do where I live and I won't get anything done at home if I'm not here. I can't remember the last time I had a break, my partner works 12+ hrs a day 6 days a week so hel pretty much sit down and either fall asleep or turn on his xbox or sit with his face in his phone. If the boys are even awake when he gets home he becomes irritable with them within 5 mins. We never go out on his day off and do something fun with the kids, he can't be bothered, il quite often take them over my mums so he ends up with the house to himself for the day and even then I get home and am lucky if he's picked the toys up off the floor. I can't remember the last time I dint have to cook tea or got to sit down and watch some telly or have a bath in peace. We have had multiple rows over the fact I never get a break and he never does anything with the kids, and I don't mean take them out necessarily ie. Yesterday evening he got home a bit earlier than usual so the boys were happy to see him, I was trying to cook tea and load the dishwasher (a nightmare job as my 1 year old likes to try and sit on the door) they were asking him to play in the garden and push them on the swings which would've been helpful so I could get on with what I was doing and he said no and sat in the living room on his phone! Just little things would help but he won't do it, he's too tired because he's been at work all day. When I've tried arguing my case over the break thing he says I have it easy yet as I say he gets annoyed and starts shouting at the boys within 5 mins of being home. I really feel like I'm struggling atm I can't get through to him I need some help, I can't get through to the boys that mummy needs some space to get things done, I don't really have any friends where I live, and my parents both work full time so I have nobody else to ask. As I write this theyv destroyed my living room, I just feel like it's endless atm. I know this is parenthood and it's whats to be expected from having 3 young children but I need some advice to manage the whole load better, and how to get my partner to take me seriously, I'm half in a mind to pack a bag ready to walk out the door when he gets home and have a night at my mums but this will cause ww3, when I ask him for help he makes out I can't cope which makes me feel like I'm failing. I can cope but I need some help sometimes just to make it easier, the list of jobs a day is endless. Please don't judge me thanks a lot:) x

[Strawberrybubblegum]

And when you are safely out of this situation, you will look back and see how far outside normal and OK this relationship was.

He didn't leave you a bus fare, and so you had to walk 9 miles with your small children. I don't even know where to start with that. Words fail me.

[Kzl1987]

Thanks everyone, it's the scene in front of my children that puts me off. They've seen and heard enough, after the last time I swore to myself that I wouldn't let things get that out of hand that they had to witness their dad being frog marched down the path by the police again. I appreciate what you are all saying and I know I need to find a way but it's not that simple. He would make my life hell if I just tell him to leave. I know it sounds incredibly selfish but I think his son coming here will be the key to ending it because he knows I don't want to do it and that I'm not prepared for it. I actually think all it would take is for me to have something to complain about over him here (which there will be) and he will probably leave with him anyway. Ohs mum would have him and his son there for the minute and I'm sure he will go to the council and use the fact he has his son to try and get a place. If he's on his own he will just bounce around and spend all his money and find nowhere to live which I think is key because he then wouldn't need to be here. I know it sounds stupid to some people but being honest I think even he knows that this step after everything we've been through the last few months will tip me over the edge. It makes me feel guilty because I know I shouldn't feel this way about it.

I'd like to be honest about something else if I can, 5 weeks ago I had a termination. I was very early and had it at 6 weeks. I would've fell pretty much straight away when he came back. The first thing he said to me when I told him I was pregnant again was to ask myself if I could cope with another one on my own as the state of things at the time and at the minute would mean one day I would probably have to. So our main reasons for going through with it was that it wouldn't of been fair bringing another child into this mess. So why is it OK to bring his son into it? He was very unsupportive at the time, he refused to come and wait with me he sat in the car, after the procedure I was very upset and he just said that it had to be done, when we got home he went to sleep on the sofa leaving me to cook the boys tea, bath them and put them to bed, I was in a lot of pain and ached all over and felt pretty tired myself after the anesthetic. Later on after I woke him up to go up to bed he laid in bed wanting me to give him oral sex. I could've bitten it off!! Since this I've felt quite resentful and hurt, I know it was the right thing to do for my boys mainly if I'd of kept it it would've been for my own selfish reasons, but I find it hard dealing with because it was still my baby. I feel depressed atm and everyday I get up thinking il ring the docs and get in to see someone but I know his reaction would be I have nothing to be depressed about. Is it because I feel this way over the termination that I'm so bitter about everything else? Just to add I was on the pill when I fell and at the time of the surgical termination I had the coil fitted, Im considering being sterilised as I don't think I could ever have another child knowing what I done to that one. Sorry for pouring it all out, I'm sure you're all getting bored of listening to it by now x

[Wordylicious]

Oh dear god. He expected a blow job right after you had had a termination?

Please, please, tell him to go.

[Aloneandtrying]

You need to get out of this relationship. He is abusing you in so many ways. Even my ex wasn't that bad. Please start planning when you will ask him to leave, whether that is now or after his son moves on, whichever is easiest for you. I will be hear to support you however long it takes you to get the courage to get out of this relationship. I will be hear.

[Aloneandtrying]

I know how hard it is to get the courage to leave, it took me two years :( the sooner you do it the better for your boys. You don't want them to grow up like him :(

[Aloneandtrying]

You can do it, I believe in you x

[Heartofgold25]

Kzl1987 I really think you need some proper support and would not personally trust any hv with personal information, however I would be going to my Mum's and telling her everything you have told us. Your parents may work full time, but I am sure they could take some time off to help you, this is fast becoming a crisis for you.
It is not acceptable that you are held to ransom in a house that isolates you, nor is it acceptable to stop you buying shoes for your children or other essentials that you and your children require. I would not go as far as to suggest you leave him, I think only you can make that decision,although if it were me I definitely would be considering it, but I would deeply consider your options. Things are not going to get better if they stay as they are, in fact they are likely to get much worse, particularly if you suffer a burnout or a breakdown.

Possibly you could move into your Mums with the boys for a few weeks/months and see how you cope? You will have much more support there, you can rest and start to feel stronger and better, he will possibly come to his senses that he stands to lose you all if things continue. Possibly you could see a family counsellor in the meantime so you can both talk about what is going wrong. It is not good for your boys to have a parent who can not even push them on the swings in the garden outside.....that really is not much to ask, and he should want to spend time with them, he should be happy to see them and you. Something is definitely not right with him, my dh worked brutal hours but he was ALWAYS happy to be home and to see us even when he could barely move from exhaustion. There seems to be a complete lack of engagement and emotion.

Hang in there ~ I am sure you will come to the right decision, remain calm, get some help from your parents, I am sure they would want to be there for you. Put your boys into nursery for longer if you can, so that you have the energy to make good decisions, take care, you sound like you really need a hug xx

[Heartofgold25]

Oh god I have just read all of your other posts since replying to you, and I am afraid I think you should move to your Mum's now. I don't think you should wait for a 'scene' as no doubt he will not want you to go, just pack up when he leaves for work be nice and normal as he goes, and get the hell out of there. This is considerable abuse make no mistake. I think you have got used to it over time.

There is absolutely no way you can stay with this man as things stand. I am stunned by your later replies, and my darling girl in years to come you will look back on this with strength and dignity, and realise how strong you have been, and still are, and how awful he has been. You are young, you can start again. We are all with you, both virtually, but there is a world of support out there once everyone knows what is happening. Call your parents. Please.

[Y0la]

You poor thing. That is awful. He is just plundering you. I hope you can get out this situation soon. I'm another one with an arsehole x, but even he wouldn't have had the gall to ask for a blow job after a termination.

[TendonQueen]

Tell your mum what's going on, get her to take the kids one day and make that the day you get the police to remove him. Don't give up your house.

[Y0la]

Yes, time to stop caring about maintaining appearances.

The appearance of being happy is worthless and won't help you. Blow the charade up in his face and tell people the truth and ask for help and then your life can start to get better. Then one day you'll realise you are genuinely happy, and it's not an appearance.

[paxtecum]

kzl, you are an amazing woman.
Can you get you parents around when you ask him to leave.
Could your mum take the boys out and your dad stay with you until he's gone?

[Heartofgold25]

Kzl you said you didn't want to live in that location anyway, so I am hoping the council can help rehouse you (somewhere closer to your parents ideally) and you can simply walk away. There are many lines of support that can assist you. Will you let us know how you are getting on, I know many of us on here are thinking of you..... x

[Aloneandtrying]

Yes please ask the council for advice. Keep us updated we are all thinking of you x