Can anybody tell me what this means? V worried re Re adult son

[BananaCake123]

Feel really bad but am desperately worried about DS. Undiagnosed officially but is ASD. 23 years old but in terms of emotional development is still very much in teenage phase. V uncommunicative and difficult to talk to. Simmering with latent anger, mostly at his upbringing (by me). (I had a terrible marriage, suffered extreme depression and took out a lot on the children. Now re-married but took him 10 years to "accept" stepdad). V bright but he has no real job - appears naive about the world and uses house like a hotel. Spends all his time in his room watching TV or on his laptop. Appears for meals. Not much respect although better than it has been. Never brings friends to the house. Never appeared to have a social life. Now he has a bar job but often doesn't come home until 8am. Seems to be always on his phone but never talks about having friends. I only know of 1 friend from schooldays. If he goes out he only gives me minimal information. Very cagey. Never tells me who he is out with or what he is doing and if I ask, he always says the same friend (the only one I know of) and that he's going to the pictures. My guilt over his upbringing, and his own ASD issues prevent me from treating him in a more "normal" way and being assertive about my expectations of him as a member of the household. Eg I've tried to talk to him about contributing to the household -even just in terms of doing some jobs around the house but it falls on deaf ears).

Last night he stayed out last night but forgot to take his phone. I'm sorry, I know it's bad of me but I looked through his messages. I didn't know any of the names on there. There were none from the friend he always claims to be meeting up with. Some were from colleagues at the bar where he works. But most of them were about arrangements for meeting up for cinema \ drinks\party. Mostly "normal" I suppose. Although most of them were relatively short threads as though he's only known them for a short while (I'm talking about exchanges of maybe 10 texts on average in total). IT could be as simple as these are new people he has met through being a barman.

But then there were a series of messages from different numbers (no names assigned). Each number contained one text only, which was simply an address (a different one each time). A London address, usually a flat. So something like a text from +44 12345678 then inside the message would read 123 Any Road W123 (basement flat). Nothing else. No reply, no 'conversation'. Just that. I'm really worried. I don't know what this means. Can you help? I can't ask him. Thank you. x

Would it be possible to talk to him about the possibility of ASD? Would he consider an online diagnosis or a visit to the GP? I know that this is not your primary concern, but I am struck by your description of his unhappiness/frustration and wonder if you were to support him in this, it might help him to deal with whatever other issues with which he has become involved

Drugs possibly. Does he ring the numbers as well, or are they simply texting him without any pre-amble? If he is ringing the number first, and they are texting him back an address then your hunches could be right. And contrary to what people have been saying, I think you are justified in worrying about him, especially if he is engaging in illegal activities or could potentially be being taken advantage of. He will no doubt be livid that you've looked at his phone, but similarly, he could be in a dangerous situation that he can't get out of and be grateful for a way out. I work in the prison service; some of the most vulnerable prisoners are those on the AS because of their difficulties in judging the behaviour of others.

If you son wanted to be referred, he could seek a diagnosis of ASD. It might enable him to access support. In most areas this is done through your gp but some places allow you to self-refer for an assessment.

Naice Thank you.

LashesandLipstick - I have already explained things. Invasion of privacy? Yes. Wrong thing to have done? Big time. Patronising? No, I don't think so. Space? He is living a luxury life doing whatever he wants with no comeback and no demands. I stupidly opened Pandora's Box and I just want to know how to make the best of a bad situation. Most people have been so kind in helping me to step back and get some perspective - others like yourself have been cruel. You're entitled to your opinion, of course. I wish with all sincerity that should you ever find yourself in any dilemma in which you have f*** up and need help, you don;t meet people like yourself.

f*ed up

Banana I'm not being cruel, I'm speaking as an adult with ADHD who is most likely on the autistic spectrum. I really dislike the way some people treat us like children, when we are adults with rights just like everyone else

Nothing you've said about your son seems odd - he likes his own privacy in his room, what's wrong with that? I also don't think the texts necessarily mean anything bad.

Sorry if it seemed harsh, I just get annoyed when people use things like ASD as an excuse to invade privacy or treat someone badly

notquitegrownup and averagebear - thank you both. I think you are right, grown up - the ASD needs to be addressed somehow - as this is potentially living him vulnerable to being taken advantage of as average points out. It's probably fortuitous, though, that he tends towards a more suspicious nature than a trusting one.

I think this is more about your issues than him. Your thread was about what you'd found on his phone and what it could mean not about your relationship as mother and son as you've now elaborated on further down the thread. You've tried to talk to him about the past and he's refused that doesn't mean he won't talk about them ever but at the minute he doesn't want to just be ready to answer his questions if and when he does ever want to talk. There's nothing stopping you going for some counselling on your own to work out in your own mind what went wrong and how you can manage your feelings and anxieties it may help you if he does ever want to speak about the past.
If he is happy enough with what he's doing in his life right now I'd back off a bit and leave him be If mentally he is younger than his years leave him to "grow up & find himself". If he doesn't want to share the ins & outs of his life then that's up to him you need to accept that.

lashes. Thank you, and apology accepted. I understand and completely agree with what you say about people with SEN being pigeonholed and treated as though they are stupid and have no rights. I was honestly not trying to do that. When I see people treating my son like an idiot it makes me upset and angry. So I can truly say I understand and am aware. I can see that on the surface, none of this appears odd. It is just so difficult to explain a situation in a way that people can understand. And tbh I also feel patronised when I feel that my fears and concerns are being dismissed as "nothing". I am not stupid- I know the difference between what is regular behaviour and what is beyond the realms of normal - I should be credited with possessing at least that much sense. Yes, I suffer from anxiety, and yes, sometimes my fears do grow out of proportion - but I have acted - and posted here - out of desperation. Call it instinct, or stupidity, or whatever you want, but it wasn't a desire to control or patronise or dismiss him in any way. Something just doesn't feel right. And I just wanted some help.

Lexyloub - yes, it does seem that this thread has wandered onto other issues - but the 2 are inextricably linked. All tied in with pre and post looking at the phone. I looked because I was scared \ worried and then when I saw what I saw it scared the crap out of me 100 times worse than before I looked. I guess when I asked what does it mean, I was hoping desperately someone would explain it away with something simple, like "oh that just means it's a taxi rank location" or something. Yes, I have my own issues, and most of them are tangled in with his. I have had all sorts of counselling and will perhaps look at that again. Meanwhile, yes there is still the concern about the actual finding and what it means. The complication is what I should do about it. I still don't know. Do I just pretend I've never seen it, take extra valium and hope it all goes away. Or do I confront it and run the risk of making everything worse with him. And take extra valium.

That's how setting up an arrangement with a prostitute works, the client texts, the prostitute sends back their address. The timings would indicate that too. Or and I don't want to scare you with this but is there any possibility he is using drugs? Not necessarily the hard stuff but it could also indicate something like that too.

I think you need to forget that you saw it, though I don't know if I could personally. I wouldn't confront though, it is what it is and there's zero you can do about it. It's his life.

I don't think you should ask him as you'll have to admit you'd looked at his phone and that could open a whole different can of worms. Does anything in his behalf or anything in his room suggest he's taking drugs? I'm with other pp and think it's more likely he's meeting up with girls for sex (have you heard of tinder?? Or maybe something similar). No parent wants to think of their dc having sex but as long as he's safe it's really his business and probably quite normal these days for someone his age. Maybe buy him and your other son some condoms and make a joke out of giving them to them both at the same time if your worried about safe sex. If you suspect it could be drug related speak to a helpline such as FRANK they'll be able to help better than anyone on MN.

*behaviour not behalf

I don't think you're wrong to be worried - you're his mother, of course you'll always worry about him.

I do think you would be wrong if you were to intervene in what's going on in his life. Your DS is an adult. ASD or no.

My DCs couldn't wait to leave home.

He hates you, doesn't get on with his brother - so LEAVE HOME.

Sorry but he shouldn't be being a selfish prick, constantly hating everyone but still at home.

Everyone saying he is an adult - errrr but you don't live on with mummy. Especially if you want to get up to stuff at 4am.

What are his finances? he needs to be independent. If he is into prostitution or drugs he should have money to be able to move out. Not that that's good but if he has wads of cash with him then he IS dealing or something.

Op of course you care and are worried about your son.

Separate out what you can control from what you can't. ..

You can't control what he does out of the house and I think o agree that you need to put aside for now what you learnt from his phone

Start to face up to how unhappy the way he acts is making you and the rest of the family and deal with that step by step

You are enabling him to live without adult responsibility. ....that night be necessary but maybe it isn't. ...how about family counselling?

Or just counselling for you to start off with?

Your guilt about his childhood needs to be dealt with so you can deal with the adult he is now.

It isn't doing him any favours to allow him to live with no sense of adult responsibility or no need to maintain grown up relations with the rest of the family

His relationship with drugs or prostitutes is sad but essentially his own choice .....how he behaves in your home is something you do get a say in

Hi - perhaps give the local Police a call on 101 and seek their advice. It sounds as if you consider him to be a vulnerable adult, the Police will take your concerns seriously and you'll feel better for doing something.

I think the police are not going to be able to help here. What could they actually do ? Talk to your adult ds about the dangers of drugs? Lecture him about not doing.... what? You could risk antagonising ds FOR EVER if you phone the police on him about some unexplained texts.

The texts could mean anything (drugs? visiting prositutes? an innocent meeting of friends?) but I'd say his behaviour will give you more idea what's really going on. Does a change in his behaviour lead you to think drugs are involved? Have you ever seen drug paraphernalia?

I'd say tackling him about the texts is going to be counter productive but trying to build a bit more of a relationship through general chit chat about things he's interested in and just possibly he'll open up.

(And for what it's worth, I would certainly have looked at my ds's messages if I was as worried about him as you are. You're trying to protect him as a good parent does.)

Are they sent or received messages? The times / days would incline my non-suspicious side to think he's maybe ordering cabs for customers.

But it seems on rtft that we've already leapt into rentboy / drug peddler territory

Well mrssmith I haven't "leapt" anywhere. I found numerous such messages on my exes phone and sure enough they were the prostitutes he was using regularly.

Unfortunately my brother had this kind of message and it was arranging to fetch his weed. So I just suggested what I know from experience.

I can't say what the Police would do, if anything, I am not the Police. But they might be able to offer WOA and you might feel better for having sought professional opinion.

Thank you for all your messages - tbh I am feeling overwhelmed and totally unsure how to make sense of this or what to do. Please don;t argue with eachother though.

Norah thank you - sometimes I do find myself feeling that sentiment (that he is being totally selfish) but then - guess what - I feel guilty for having this feelings because it is my fault that he is this way.

waterrat what you say makes total sense and in relation to the above I know I certainly need to do something so that I can feel strong about the decisions I make. As people have said, what he does outside the house (whether I like it or not) is down to him but I feel it is down to me to at least ensure I have done my job\my best to ensure that he is a responsible adult - the rest is down to him. I haven't done that part of my job though and clearly need help to get him to that stage.

Tiny - I couldn't bring my self to involve the police - however supportive they may be and haff - thank you for saying you would have done the same because at the moment I feel like the villain of the piece.

mrs smith - it would be a dream come true if he were ordering cabs for customers, but the texts are received ones, not sent.

ANd Nicki/Mrs Evadne - thank you for sharing your experience - it has helped me have some idea as to what may be happening. In all honesty, I don't think the behaviour pattern or personality fits with drugs - but the prostitutes is another thing to consider - even if I really don;t want to.

This is all a nightmare - taken sleeping tablets now - maybe when I wake up, this will all have been nothing more than a nasty dream.

xx

oh and you could speak anonymously. So your son would't know. Just a thought, it might be more useful than mumsnet?!