Is it acceptable to smack a 9 year old?

[Tillytoes14]

Hi, do you think it's ever acceptable to smack a 9 year old child. My husband has told me tonight that he feels our son needs a good smack. My husband struggles with managing our son when he answers back, or sometimes when he has been rude, he has an issue with how our son eats at the table too, sometimes he uses his fingers instead of his knife and fork and tonight he flipped and said he would put all of our sons dinner in the bin, if he used his fingers again during dinner time. To be honest I'm completely shocked with how irrational my husband has reacted to this behaviour. My husband has also told me I'm too soft and that by sending him to his room to reflect when he is rude, etc, isn't big enough a punishment, although it works fairly well. I do think my husband has a power struggle and when he feels our son has pushed the boundaries, he feels powerless and loses control. He was also hit a lot as a child. I don't however agree with smacking, or any sort of physical punishment for a child, I think you can teach a child respect without using force. This evening it has caused a big atmosphere between us because it has become apparent we have very different parenting styles/views. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!

Another book to look at, which is specifically to do with good manners is 'Yes Please. Thanks!' by Penny Palmano. You and your husband might find some handy tips in there... worth a try.

Actually we cross-posted, Tillytoes14. I was typing mine before you had posted the clarification that he actually doesn't want to hit him for eating his pizza in a way that seems quite normal, he just wants to deprive him of food

I don't think it is ever ok to hit someone for "answering back". Sometimes people get furious and hit their kids, when their kids are being impossible, but it is not ok.

I don't like anything that sets up a power play with kids; speak kindly to kids and treat them respectfully; don't talk down to them or lecture them: then they will end up speaking kindly and respectfully back to you.

When he name calls he is sent to bed ten minutes earlier and to his bedroom, any rude behaviour and he is sent to his bedroom to reflect on his behaviour

I do think this sounds a bit wishy-washy, sorry (and I remember being a naughty 9-yo myself; I would not have been remotely bothered by these consequences or felt them to be a deterrent). i can see why your hubby is frustrated! Do you often see genuine remorse/apology/efforts not to do it again from your DS when he has been "disciplined" in this way?

I think you need to get on side and on board witn your husband and decide on boundaries, punishments and behaviour.
You are giving him a mixed message - there is dissent in the ranks and your son plays on it.
No - hitting a 9yo boy is not appropriate but there have to be consequences for unacceptable behaviour and rudeness.

Violence is unacceptable in any situation. As a Parent you are teaching your child how to behave in the world.... is he to learn that it's okay to hit someone if they anger him? I recommend setting calm and clear boundaries (you) and anger management (husband). Good Luck x

The problem is OP you're dh was probably smacked for normal child behaviour and he thinks it is normal.
If I smacked my dd everytime she answered back, argued or went out of her way to bloody wind me up, like she is atm, she'd be black and blue and ss would be banging our door down.
Kids try your patience but it is part of growing up, t's our job to teach them what is acceptable, and sometimes it wears you down but you have to be persistent.
You could do worse than show him the replies on here.
If he won't accept he is being unreasonable then you have more problems than different parenting styles.
I wish you luck.

My son doesn't swear at me, he often says things like duh, stupid, silly etc, which yes I agree are rude. It doesn't happen all the time and he is generally a well-behaved boy. He hates being sent to bed early, we used to take privileges off him, such as computer time, but he wasn't too fazed by this.

No.

And pizza with hands? DS and I have just eaten one in front of the TV. Do we to have it put in the bin?
DS also tends to eat fries with his hands.

What looks to me is that you are entering a power struggle with your DS, as is your OH, who is over reacting badly, from your description.

It works a lot better to start treating them as increasingly responsible people, although it is tempting to continue treating them as we have always done when they were younger. At this stage your role is mostly to guide them, not punish them.

The way it's progressing, based on your OP, you will have some very difficult teenage years ahead.

There is a good analogy about a bar of soap. Hold it too softly and it will slip from your hand. Hold it too strongly and it will fly away from the hand. Both of you will have to find a way to educate your child that does not result in confrontation. Maybe both go to parenting classes, or read books such as Unconditional Parenting, or How to talk to children so that they listen.

morethanpotatoprints-My husband was smacked as a child and also when he was in his teens (12 I think) his dad beat him with a pool cue because he called his mum a naughty word. He doesn't have a close relationship with his dad though, which could be why.

My usual response to such responses is to ask if they would like me to talk to them like that. I don't do it. Do you?
I try as much as possible to model good behaviour. IME it works a lot better than punishments.

Tillytoes

I am so sorry, I thought so, your poor dh.
This sounds very much like my dh and don't worry I don't think he will hit your child or even really wants to. He does sound lost and need of support with his parenting though.
You need to talk to him. the fact you know about his past he must have opened up to you.
we rarely see dh father too.

Thanks for the replies. I may suggest a parenting class to my husband, which might help us work together better on certain issues. However, maybe I'm wrong, but I do think children should be allowed to test/express certain behaviours at home because if not they are likely to test it elsewhere and I don't mean swearing and hitting their parents, I mean testing to a point, where they don't over-step the mark.

Maybe he needs to step away if he feels he is getting angry over minor things? Your poor husband sounds like he has unresolved issues from his childhood (and who wouldn't if he was hit so badly :() Having a child means facing your own childhood in a lot of cases (has in mine.)

And your poor son! Of course he shouldn't be hit at any age for eating pretty much as anyone else would.... I'm concerned you think it might be acceptable.

What do you mean test and express?

TeacupsTravel-I've already said I don't agree with smacking, also stated my reasons, it's not something my husband would do and also not something he would do for picking food, only for rude behaviour. Which again I don't agree with, even for rude/inappropriate behaviour.

CamalHump-He does answer back to his dad too, he doesn't name call though. He will however name-call on the odd occasion to me though and his brother.

maximama-I will suggest a parenting course to my husband, perhaps it will make us both feel more confident with our parenting abilities, the problem is he's self-employed and works long hours, it would be difficult to find the time to do this. Also we don't have relatives close by who could help babysit our children, whilst we attended a parenting course together, but I will however look into it. Thanks!

You could always just buy a parenting book from
amazon, rather then go to lessons. Look for great reviews.

If you choose to parent by smacking, you are using FEAR to keep a child on the straight and narrow, which in the long term is rubbish. And he will soon be big enough to hit your DH back. What you really need is for the boy to reflect and empathise on how you must feel to be verbally abused. You need him to learn to make good moral judgments about his own behaviour and this will help him grow into a nice young man

Attending a parenting class would be a dealbreaker for me in this situation. That, and therapy.

I think your husband needs to actually examine some of the things he is saying. What is a "good smack"? How will it change your son's eating habits? Does he want his son to fear him? Does he want his son to feel like he did as a child? Is he mad that he doesn't feel better now he's the dad and not the child?

I am not completely against smacking, depending on the child. As a kid I was far more devastated by other punishments. But planning to give your 9-year-old "a good smack" for eating pizza with his hands? No. Just no.

Well, he could test out the smacking approach but it would be pretty much 100% guaranteed to not work. At 9 years old, your DS has significant emotional complexity and a sense of self. Smacking would do more harm than good. By 9 you need to have your parenting approach sorted, surely? How did this issue of the difference in your parenting styles never come up before?

sometimes it doesn't and some kids can be stubborn and not give in whatever the punishment

Well actually I'm a grandmother now and I did used to smack my dd, but I can say that at times I knew that I could have battered her to death and she still would not have obeyed me so I had to change tack. I am no longer in favor of smacking, but I'm just illustrating that, apart from all the other argumente, even smacking doesn't necessarily get obedience.