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Parenting

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Original poster

Antisocial child, Help!!

42 replies

MrsCs · 23/05/2015 09:07

Before anyone says 'stealth boast' this is NOT I am genuinely heartbroken watching my son on the side of every soft play, every group.

My son will be two in three weeks and has incredibly good speech and comprehension. He speaks in short sentences, describes things, knows loads of shapes (including ones like hexagon), counts, etc. Now don't get me wrong, I am blown away by this and love hearing him talk and having proper conversations with him.

Unfortunately it seems to have become a massive divider with other children. I've had him at playgroups consistently since six weeks old, to be fair even before speech he wasn't exactly friendly with other kids but it's got far worse. A few times he tried to talk to other kids and when they didn't understand/ couldn't answer he began completely avoiding them.

He seems genuinely frightened of other children and will not play unless I'll follow. I don't want to 'helicopter mum' but he will stand stubbornly next to me until I go with.

I know at his age he's not exactly going to be playing collaboratively but he runs from other children, hides and will flat out not even go near a part of a soft play with more than two children.

Older children, like my younger brother and sister (12 and 11) he will play hide and seek, draw with them, play with trains, dance with them and chat to them but when with his peers he finds a corner and hides :(

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Original poster

MrsCs · 23/05/2015 09:33

No one :(, was really hoping for some advice

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SewingAndCakes · 23/05/2015 09:37

Is he like this with all of his peers? If he's better with one at a time then is there some way you could build him up gradually to interacting with first one, then two, toddlers, until he becomes comfortable?

Or, if he's a little more advanced in his speech and comprehension, what about arranging for him to play with older, 3/4 year olds?

Loveleopardprint · 23/05/2015 09:41

Hi. Some children find making friends and joining groups easier than others. My oldest struggles with this and tbh there are still times I feel for her as she is on the outside of a group. She is 15 now and has a close group of friends thank goodness but she finds it difficult to fit in with large groups.
Can you role model for him how to say hello to other children, play with them etc. ? Sorry not much help but I do understand.

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Original poster

MrsCs · 23/05/2015 09:42

After eight months at one small playgroup (four children) he has progressed to being willing to sit next to them and play in an area near them like the mini kitchen, so it did help a bit. In that time however the other children have begun interacting a bit, passing objects/copying etc which he just will not do.

That's a good idea about the 3/4 year olds, I'll try and find a group where that's possible.

Sometimes he watches other kids and looks sad like he'd like to be part of it but is so scared/shy he just wont go up to them.

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3littlefrogs · 23/05/2015 09:43

My eldest was like this.
There isn't much you can do IMO.
Stop taking him to places where he feels frightened. It won't help.

My Ds is in his 20s now. Highly intelligent, slightly eccentric, still has social anxiety, happier in the company of slightly "geeky" people like himself.

We are all different. You can't force a square peg into a round hole.

DS would far rather have gone to the science museum than to soft play. So that is what we did. He used to enjoy long walks in parks/woods/beaches talking about nature, finding interesting things.

As he gets older he will get more confident. It won't be easy but it will be easier if you take the pressure off him.

pictish · 23/05/2015 09:43

He's shy. That's normal. My dd was a sociable wee baby until she was about 18 months when she became far more cautious. Just don't push him out of his comfort zone and remain encouraging. Praise sociablke behaviour but don't force it, I'd say.

Original poster

MrsCs · 23/05/2015 09:43

That does help (in terms of me being able to hope it will get better). I have tried guiding him in play with other children but he usually freezes for a few seconds then runs to get away.

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3littlefrogs · 23/05/2015 09:45

Please don't call him antisocial. That is a horrid word.

girliefriend · 23/05/2015 09:46

I think this is still fairly normal for his age, somewhere between 2 -3 year old me children start showing more of an interest in their peers.

I would keep going with taking him to groups and encouraging/ supporting him. He sounds like he will benefit from a good pre school in a few months or so.

Original poster

MrsCs · 23/05/2015 09:47

3little he loves groups and soft play as long as he can have his own space, which I allow him. The only thing I try to encourage now is for him to play without me sometimes because while I'm off on maternity at the moment (second ds) he will be going to nursery in January and I don't want it to be scary for him.

Also I only worry about it because he watches children playing and looks really sad. If he seemed happy playing alone it wouldn't be so bad.

Interestingly he does also love museums/walks/beaches too lol. Also the library.

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Original poster

MrsCs · 23/05/2015 09:49

I wasn't sure how else to put it in a headline to be fair! Also he did describe a group of kids as 'annoying' the other day and it stuck in my head.

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Original poster

MrsCs · 23/05/2015 09:51

Girlie I do sometimes wonder if he would be more inclined to join in if I wasn't there, like a nursery environment. I've seen kids out with childminders and they seem far more used to company and are very confident.

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3littlefrogs · 23/05/2015 09:51

The other thing is that speech and language does not reflect social and emotional development. He is still very young and it is really important that you do not expect his social skills to be as advanced as his speech. Sometimes social skills take quite a while to catch up.

Also - he WILL regress when the new baby comes and you need to be prepared for that and be very, very patient with him.

3littlefrogs · 23/05/2015 09:53

Sorry to be pedantic, but I wonder if you mean "unsociable"?

Original poster

MrsCs · 23/05/2015 09:55

Oh I can see his emotional development is normal for his age, hence when I've ever spoken to anyone before about his development I always get accused of showing off which is ridiculous as good speech doesn't mean he is going to be anything other than normal by school. I'm not a pushy or alpha style mum, I want him to be happy above anything else.

New baby has been here for nearly ten weeks.

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Original poster

MrsCs · 23/05/2015 09:56

Probably unsociable is a better word, in my defence I run around after a toddler all day and have broken sleep with a newborn, not as coherent as normal.

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3littlefrogs · 23/05/2015 09:57

Maybe he is just reacting to the new baby and wants to stay close to you.
He sounds like a lovely little boy.
Just give him time and don't try to push him if he is nervous.
I am sure he will be fine.

Mrsjayy · 23/05/2015 09:58

Children under 2 dont really play together or make friends i really wouldnt worry about him atm keep taking him to his playgroup he isnt antisocial he is 2

Mrsjayy · 23/05/2015 10:00

Maybe the other children did annoy him its fine

SanityClause · 23/05/2015 10:01

He is only 2. At this age, they don't really play "with" other children. They just sort of play near them.

As you are on maternity leave, perhaps you could arrange some play dates with just one child at a time, at your house, rather than in a group situation.

Does he really look sad, when watching other children, or is he interested in what they are doing? Perhaps you are projecting?

Original poster

MrsCs · 23/05/2015 10:04

3little he is lovely, I love his way of perceiving the world (he has to tell me the colour of everything and dissect objects into shapes) also numbers are incredibly important to him. I'm only fairly average myself so I do love how he sees patterns and significance in things that would have never occurred to me.

He'll notice a triangle in the clouds that I'd have never seen. I'd love to find the world as fascinating as he does.

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3littlefrogs · 23/05/2015 10:04

DS was just 2 when DS2 was born.
He insisted on explaining the process of osmosis to the health visitor when she came to do the first visit to the new baby.
She was

He was still very worried about me leaving him and didn't settle well at toddler/play group. I think he was overthinking things and still had a worry about the new baby replacing him in some way.

Not a stealth boast, but an example of how a very intelligent and articulate child still has fears and worries like any other 2 year old.

SueGeneris · 23/05/2015 10:06

My eldest son (now 7) was like this at 2 although he didn't hide from other children he had no real interest in playing with them. he just wanted to do his own thing in his own space. My DD is 2 years younger than him and as she got bigger they did play together but even though DS went to nursery 3 mornings a week from 22 months, he enjoyed the activities and toys and liked the adults but he didn't make friends in his peer group. Like your DS he spoke in sentences, could describe colours and shapes etc before he turned 2.

It did change when he started school and he is now a very sociable 7 year old with lots of friends. I think before school he just wasn't ready/interested in other children. We only ever had family birthday parties for him before he started school as he just didn't have friends to invite!

What I'm trying to say is that I do remember worrying about it but it may well be that being sociable just isn't interesting to him yet but he'll get there in his own time.

zzzzz · 23/05/2015 10:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wigglylines · 23/05/2015 10:07

Have you considered a CM instead of nursery? The smaller groups might be easier for him, and I imagine a CM might be able to be more flexible for his needs than a nursery, e.g. more outings.

Have a look at www.childcare.co.uk to find profiles and pictures of CMs working near you, or contact the council or Family Information Service for a list.

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