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Original poster

Husband and I fight over who would be stay at home parent

52 replies

Islandideals · 21/05/2015 21:36

My husband and I fight over who should be the stay at home parent when we have children. I really want to stay home and apparently so does he. He earns double what I earn (we are both teachers, but he is in a leadership position and I just trained this year so am at the bottom of the scale). Also I don't know how breastfeeding would work if I work and he stays at home. Everything would be in favour of me staying home and I really would like to be there for at least the first three years.

I have this feeling that he thinks being a stay at home parent is like an early retirement and an 'easy' life, when I know the reality is it will be really hard work. I feel like if I am the one who stays home he will be resentful and think I am on a permanent holiday while he is 'slaving' away at work.

Has anyone else had any disagreements with their partner over who would get to stay home? Is whoever makes more money the only factor?

OP posts:
Trebushay · 21/05/2015 21:37

Can you both work part time ?

YonicScrewdriver · 21/05/2015 21:38

Yy trebushy

YonicScrewdriver · 21/05/2015 21:39

And no, making more money isn't the only factor, provided of course you can make the finances work somehow.

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RoganJosh · 21/05/2015 21:39

Surely he'll get the idea from weekends that it isn't easy?

bobajob · 21/05/2015 21:40

I would either both go part time or you take the first year to facilitate breastfeeding and he take the second year.

Bumblebzz · 21/05/2015 21:40

Both working part time is by far the best thing for everyone concerned I think. Including the children. Plus financially you pay less tax if you both earn, rather than living on one (bigger) salary.

PennyJennyPie · 21/05/2015 21:41

Share. Best thing I have done for my family.

Koalafications · 21/05/2015 21:42

Agree it would make more sense for you both to work part time.

Would also be more sensible for your careers.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 21/05/2015 21:43

If you can share, do. Speaking as someone who did that is now a SAHM. Both part time is a brilliant idea. and as teachers you'll have school holidays all together later. win win.

NameChange30 · 21/05/2015 21:44

Yes I was going to suggest that. If you can both work part time it would be the fairest solution I think. You could also share parental leave, which is possible since they changed the rules recently. e.g. you take the first 6 months and he takes the next 6.

I think it's nice actually that you have a DH who wants to take on that role and do (more than) his fair share of the parenting. It seems a bit harsh of you to say that he only wants to do it because he underestimates how much work is involved. What makes you say that? Is he stressed at work and wanting a break?

slightlyeggstained · 21/05/2015 21:45

Not necessarily, Rogan, judging by many, many previous AIBU threads from unappreciated SAHMs, unless he has sole care for a significant period of time (i.e. whole days) then it's clearly easy for men who already have a preconceived notion that it's all a big holiday, to ignore how much work there is or assume that you would of course be far more efficient...

ZenNudist · 21/05/2015 21:45

Why don't you agree to share the responsibility? That way you both get to experience the realities of SAH childcare and you will get to keep your career going so you can also be in the running for the good jobs with extra pay in the future.

It might be practical for you to do the first 6months if you're bf-ing, extending to 9 months maybe but realistically your dh could share maternity/ paternity leave with you once baby is weaned.

Cross that bridge when you come to it. It bodes very badly that you're arguing about this now. Life with a small baby is hard enough without finding excuses to argue.

You don't have the automatic right to be sahm especially not for 3 years, if he'd prefer you work that's reasonable after 6m to 1y.

NameChange30 · 21/05/2015 21:49

I agree that it's a shame to be arguing about it but surely it's better to discuss it before they have a baby?! I would say it's a good idea to agree expectations and (rough) plans even if they might change and evolve depending on the situation.

armsandtheman · 21/05/2015 21:54

We both work part time and it works really well. It means dh has to take full responsibility when I'm at work and is used to doing child care. He's completely confident with our dd and their relationship is fab. A big advantage is when I'm out with friends he is used to having her so I never get panicked phone calls or have to pack a bag for him or plan their time, I just go. Some dads are great at this, but practice definitely helps others!

I enjoy working and still have a complete cv. I work 3 days and he does 4. Dd goes to nursery and grandparents when we overlap.

We started this after mat leave though as there was no shared parental leave then. If we have a second he'll do the second 6 months so if I bf it'll be well established.

Mehitabel6 · 21/05/2015 21:58

Both working part time seems the ideal solution.

Littlemonstersrule · 22/05/2015 08:59

Either both work part time of share, you do the first 12 months and then he takes a year out.

Neither has the right to simply state they are quitting work.

Of course not working is an easier life, being home with children is a joy not hard work.

fortunately · 22/05/2015 09:06

Do you actually have children or are you pregnant?

If not, what's the point of fighting about something which isn't actually currently a concern?

fortunately · 22/05/2015 09:07

Of course not working is an easier life, being home with children is a joy not hard work.

You forgot to say "in my opinion"

I go to work for a break

You're welcome :)

ItsNotAsPerfectAsItSeems · 22/05/2015 09:24

Both working part time soundalike a good idea with you having the first 6mths at home to establish BF and to recover from pg.
I would have loved that scenario but sadly DH earns lots more than me (I'm also a teacher) so it just wasn't financially viable.

TravellingToad · 22/05/2015 09:26

We fight about it too but we both want to be the one working...it's bloody hard work being at home, we both go to work for a rest.

We have ended up sharing it but both prefer the office! (we have a 1yr old and a 2yr old!)

ItsNotAsPerfectAsItSeems · 22/05/2015 09:26

Eh, Littlemonster, believe me, working full time was like a holiday after being at home full time with 3 children under 4.

DinosaursRoar · 22/05/2015 09:33

oh does he mean sharing the mat leave?

I'd say for breast feeding, you get at least the first 6 months. That will mean he takes over at the point it gets difficult, rather than going for coffees with friends and sleepy non-moving baby that just drinks milk you have with you anyway inthe form of norks, it's now weaning (nothing like trying ot get butternut squash puree out of curtains - my children can throw an astounding distance...), going from babies that sleep for the bulk of the day and stay where you put them to crawling and walking....

I would say after mat leave, you could perhaps both go part time if that's what you want. (I know a family with teachers who both went 3 days a week, one day in nursery, other days covered by each parent).

Muddymits · 22/05/2015 09:33

I wouldn't be in a rush to go back after 6 months if I didn't need to. If you are bf so much easier not to return as you start weaning for both of you. I would take the first year and then see if part time works.
Practically his school most probably won't let him go part time whilst you will be stuck at the bottom of the pay scale.
Additionally your part time probably won't cover child care as most schools won't let you control the days you work. Increasingly part time can be spread over a split day or over 4/5 days.

CMOTDibbler · 22/05/2015 09:35

I think both working part time would be ideal for you, and you could share your parental leave as well. Working is certainly no bar to breastfeeding - I went back FT at 4.5 months, ds never had any formula, and I fed him till he was 23 months.

DinosaursRoar · 22/05/2015 09:35

oh and while you'll get lots of stories of woman who were able to pump in the work loos etc, in reality, breast feeding doesn't work if you aren't at home, unless it's after the point they've got to just a breakfast and bedtime feed - so around 12-18 months. I know so many woman who returned to work with the great intention of continuing to breast feed before their DC was 12 months, most didn't last more than a couple of weeks.

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