Husband and I fight over who would be stay at home parent

[Islandideals]

My husband and I fight over who should be the stay at home parent when we have children. I really want to stay home and apparently so does he. He earns double what I earn (we are both teachers, but he is in a leadership position and I just trained this year so am at the bottom of the scale). Also I don't know how breastfeeding would work if I work and he stays at home. Everything would be in favour of me staying home and I really would like to be there for at least the first three years.

I have this feeling that he thinks being a stay at home parent is like an early retirement and an 'easy' life, when I know the reality is it will be really hard work. I feel like if I am the one who stays home he will be resentful and think I am on a permanent holiday while he is 'slaving' away at work.

Has anyone else had any disagreements with their partner over who would get to stay home? Is whoever makes more money the only factor?

We were the opposite and both wanted to work, we are lucky that we earn similar and could live on either wage. As it is we both do 50% of each and it is working really well. Ours are 4 months and 20 months, I went back after a week (I'm SE, working from home though). When the littleist is one we will both work 80% and let them have 5 short days in nusery.

It takes some organsing so neither feels hard done by and like they do all the house and garden work on their shap days. Both having a clear idea of what needs to happen each day/week/month etc and what the shap is really doing is nice and we are both very clear that going to work is easier even if looking after the kids can be fun.

'breast feeding doesn't work if you aren't at home, unless it's after the point they've got to just a breakfast and bedtime feed - so around 12-18 months' - I beg to differ, I went back to work when DS was 4 months and he never had any formula. Totally doable.

ok Hazle - I do understand you'll get few very dedicated woman who'll do it, but most woman don't even manage to breast feed to 6 months when they are at home with their DC and can feed on demand - the easiest way to do it, throw in having to fit pumping round a school timetable and workload, then it's unlikely to last. I know so many woman who had great intentions of continuing to pump at work, most found it just was too much with normal work schedules.

OP - it's interesting that you aren't saying "when this baby comes" are you not even pregnant yet then? So your Dh might well be entertaining an 'intellectual' debate, not actually wanting to do it. Many men are very dismissive of how hard it actually is to look after DCs and the role of being at home for the first year - once faced with the reality of being at home with a baby, it doesn't seem so appealing. Do any of your friends have babies yet? It could well he's judging his opinion on how easy it will be based on how easily he deals with school aged children.

More opposites... we'd both like to pay someone else to be the SAHM so we can go to work for a rest.

Actually, DH is the homebody & has taken to being a mostly SAHD with great gusto. We've ended up juggling our schedules a lot over the yrs, I suggest just see how it goes. Sounds like it would be safer career wise for your DH to take time out, mind, while you still need to get established.

My DH had a cunning plan. I would be the SAHP for the first year, then he would take over. Ha ha. He definitely thought it would be an easy life, just sitting around, doing nothing except drinking coffee and the occasional foray to the park or a play group or something - ha ha. He still thinks that, despite the state of me when he gets home from work - he's of the "what do you DO all day?" school of thought. Toddler wrangling isn't really his thing - he just shuts himself in the office, or the bedroom, or even goes out in the garden if the toddler is making too much noise. Not really ideal!

I expect he could do it if he had to - but he would call his mother in first.

Nah honestly I'm not a dedicated breastfeeder, it just wasn't so much of a hassle, even though I have a full time stressful job. Also even though there's no obligation to provide a dedicated expressing room, an employer has to provide a room for a breastfeeding employee to rest, so hopefully most expressing mums are not forced to actually pump in toilets?

As for the original question, after mum has physically recovered from birth, in my opinion both parents should have equal right to stay home. And if both or neither wants to do it, they should find some kind of a compromise.

I'm afraid I shamelessly played the breastfeeding card. Followed by the "oh shit, i couldn't got back to my old job because it would mean both of us being out of the house from 6.30 til 8.00 at the earliest card. Followed by the oh look, I'm pregnant again card................

I went back to work after 6 months, ds had some formula during the day (I hate expressing), and I breastfed mornings, as soon as I came home, bedtime and usually once during the night. It was absolutely fine.
I don't think any parent has an automatic right to stay at home, ideal would be both working part-time, but some compromise will have to be found.

He is still plotting revenge 19 years later..........

Hazle, problem is, op is a teacher and most schools esp primary schools just aren't able to accommodate BF rests or expressing. No time during 10min break esp if you go 2 duties a wk. lunchtime is often a 10min grab a sandwich then back to climbing on furniture to put displays up and lugging equipment into your room for an afternoon lesson. I'm not saying it's a breeze in every other job but for a teacher it's very difficult.

Shared p/t only really works though if there's no a huge differential in your salaries and if both jobs are able to accommodate p/t for, say, 10yrs to cover however many children then launch back into f/t. If one of you going p/t will mean a very sharp drop in household income then it's not always the best way forward. I would have loved to have taken that option but it didn't make sense at all.

Having a SAHP needs both partners to be OK with the arrangement. It doesn't sound like either of you would be content to be the sole earner so doesn't sound like it would work and both working / PT options would be better for you.

Apart from the need for you to recover from the birth and (if bf works out) breast feed there is no more reason for you to be at home than DH. Also relevant is legal implications in the event of a breakup.

Presumably you could get a year's maternity/paternity leave between you? And see how you each find it.

I bf my DC after returning to work at one: they had cups of milk in day and boob in eve and early morning. In retrospect this was good for them but terrible for me!

Oops, obviously earnings differences are relevant too! Perhaps DH could do four days a week and you the same (or 3 days), with 3 days childcare. A 20% reduction in hours is less in terms of lost earnings so financial impact could be OK.

Can you share? How long would your dh want to be a sahd?
i think if you do the first year and he does the rest until child starts school or you decide on childcare.
Also factor in the finances and as he earns more would you manage without his wage.
practicalities and finances normally dictate what choices you have to a certain extent anyway.

Change the discussion then, to what being an at home parent means before trying to settle who will do the job. Before having kids, it is too easy to fall into habits regarding chores and money that then are difficult for some couples to reconsider. If you think the two of you have very different opinions of what staying at home means, begin sorting out what that is now. If you cant do so, that tells you a lot about your future as a couple, much less as parents.

In our house, the at home parent does a far larger share of housework and is the group memory for long term plans. We have tried other arrangements, this is where things eventually settled. I have no interest in doing my half the chores, and then being stuck at home on the weekend while he does his half. Our ds is past infancy, so despite doing more than 50% of chores, I still have massive amounts of freetime for hobbies, reading, facebook and MN! Other couples dont see it that way, but sort out who remembers to clean the dryer filters and have the boiler serviced and divides daily chores in other ways. Figure out what you two expect, and begin living that way now. Be proactive about these choices, dont just fall into habits.

If he expects to live on your salary, then immediately lower your outgoings to something in the range of your expected salary when you have kids. Save the rest, not for spending on regular outgoings once the kids arrive, but to get used to the reality of your income, and in order to make up for the long term lack of his larger salary years from now when you approach retirement. It will be available for the expenses of a new roof or dealing with your aging parents, even if all you need do is visit them more, that costs. Dont buy a house or car or anything based on his income and job location, buy it based on yours.

I would wait and see how you find being a parent of a toddler - for me working any less than 4 (possibly 3 if DC were exceptionally well behaved) days sounds like the worst hell and drudgery ever. I'm on ML with DC2 now and although I am having a nice time, and enjoying a bit more time with the DC I do often find myself wondering what on earth people enjoy about this life day in day out and before I had children I was firmly in the 'would LOVE to be a SAHM' camp.

Oh, career wise, make sure he doesnt forget the babies arent going to just conveneiently show up some weekend. You have to physically build them and recover from doing so. This will inevitably slow your career for a time. If you have two kids, even extremely close together, that is 2.5 to 3 years, potential for you to be out of work, if you are unlucky enough to have HG or some other symptoms which mean you cant work. What's the income plan for that? Even under the best of circumstances, a month or two off work is a healthy choice for you and baby.

*Do you actually have children or are you pregnant?

If not, what's the point of fighting about something which isn't actually currently a concern?*

Not discussing the future is never a good plan! If a couple plans to have children, putting off such discussion until they are imminent is pretty foolish, dont you think? discovering her husband and she have different expectations when TTC, or when already pregnant would be hugely problematic!

Discussing rather than fighting would be better. i hope OP is exagerrating for effect. If they are actually fighting and making each other angry and unhappy, rather than discussing and negotiating with an eye to their future, that may be what they should focus on just now: their poor communication skills.

Those suggesting that the op could take a year and then her H take over, after the statutory maternity/parental leave period there is no "right of return" to a job, unless the employers are very flexible. Either person quitting work could be risky in terms of the relationship if there is still no agreement on who should work in/out of the home.

Why 3 years off? In my experience, as a teacher with responsibility, staying at home is infinitely preferable, more fun and less work. If my partner suggested I carry on working for 3 years while they did all the childcare I'd have something to say about it too!

Ha ha. He'll change his mind once there are actual children on the scene. My DH used to always say that he'd do a couple of days per week at home with the kids. Never happened - he saw what was actually involved and changed his mind.

Don't give up your career. you'll regret it completely after a few years out. I've read thousands of MN threads over the years about SAHMs who regret giving up their careers. The recurrent themes are: husbands having affairs, husbands becoming financially controlling, wives not being respected at home, wives doing all the housework, becoming bored, not finding a way back into a job despite trying everything.... etc etc.

You can't have these conversations hypothetically, really. Because neither of you will know what it's like to actually have kids. Things really change when you have kids. Attitudes change, feelings change, your energy levels change.

All you have to decide now is whether your man is kind, flexible and fair enough to procreate with. The rest will work itself out.

When I had my eldest I went a little crazy; all my intentions to go back to work part time went completely out of the window, I remember weeping in the car when DP started discussing it. I would have hated it if he'd insisted on doing some of the SAHP stuff while I worked.

I think splitting maternity would be the best thing to do. Take a good six months each. And then see how you feel. Because that gives him a proper sense of what it's like, and because you might hate it, and because it's not so long if either of you does.

You won't know what it's like until you do it.