How do you manage toddler tantrums?

[OliveCane]

My LO has started tantruming. Whats the best way to manage them? She will scream for 30 minutes just because she didn't get her way! What do I do? Is it best to ignore, cuddle or distract?

The aim is to bring up a well balanced, happy, emotionally mature adult that other people actually like.
My way worked- I would do the same again.
Make sure they are safe and ignore. The important part is afterwards. Hug and discuss the feelings that brought it on.

I have no idea. dd2 had the mothe of all tantrums today. In public of course

full on wrestling a squirmy 4 yr old vs laying on filthy concrete. or running off. Needless to say I have wine for tonight!!!

she was inconsolable and completely unresponsive. I have a lovely bruise on my arm from being hit from her waving her arms about.

where was this thread then??.

You do have to know your child- one size never fits all.

In OP case do what works - if nothing works you have no choice except to ignore. If something easy, like distraction, actually works then use it.

It would be lovely if there was a 'magic' solution for all children. Unfortunately the best way to deal with one child can be the worst way to deal with another- even in the same family.
The one rule is not to give in for an easy life- it is only easy in the short term.

I don't exactly ignore so much as sit quietly offering a cuddle to help calm down every so often. That's when distraction and negotiation haven't worked. Ds is 2 2/12 and sometimes I think he just needs to be angry for a while iyswim? So all I can do is offer comfort and coping strategies

Depends on their age and their temperament, and any underlying SN.

My 16 month old has started having little tantrums. I generally distract or cuddle him and he's easily placated, he's pretty laid back.

With my DD nothing has ever worked so I just have to wait for her to get it out of her system. If we're in a public place (like a shop) I take her outside. She's had some epic tantrums in her time, but has ASD so that goes some way to explaining why she hasn't grown out of them at age 7!

I kind of agree with sahd, even if it is kind of overthinking things. All children benefit from benign neglect sometimes, too much analysis isn't necessarily a good thing...

As mehitabel said, I think the key is knowing your child well, so you really understand what's going on inside them when they flip. That and, crucially (and this applies generally) not underestimating your child's intelligence. Sure, they can't even wipe their own bums properly yet but toddlers are capable of simple and, when it's in their interest, quite advanced logic and reasoning. Mine actually flummoxes herself sometimes - cuts the tantrum right down

this is a simpler way to say it

the problem is not that they are getting upset - if you knew how things seemed to them you could probably see why they were getting upset - its how upset they get - the way they get upset - that is the problem.

they feel thwarted (typically) - and desperate because the person who is in total control doesn't see that (as it seems to them) they really need this or that etc. etc.

if, when they find themselves feeling this way, the response they consistently get is to be totally blanked and frozen out - then the feeling of being thwarted - the feeling of exasperation will get even more intense.

the challenge is to be able to appreciate how things seem to them (they are 2,3,4,5 you are 47 (in my case)). this, of course, is often almost impossible (even if you had two moments available to try to do it in). if you are able to appreciate how things seem to them, you can get them to see that you do - and his will calm them down. then you can explain to them that its fine to get a bit annoyed because we aren't going to the park right now (or because we are leaving the park right now) but its not fine to get that annoyed.

we want to teach them how to make their emotional responses appropriate to the situation not how to pretend that they're not really upset when they are. they don't need to learn how to hide their real feelings; they need to learn how to have feelings that are appropriate, so they don't need to hide them.

the challenge is to be able to appreciate how things seem to them (they are 2,3,4,5 you are 47 (in my case)). this, of course, is often almost impossible (even if you had two moments available to try to do it in). if you are able to appreciate how things seem to them, you can get them to see that you do - and his will calm them down. then you can explain to them that its fine to get a bit annoyed because we aren't going to the park right now (or because we are leaving the park right now) but its not fine to get that annoyed.
I have mild Aspergers, and as a result have been known to have the occasional meltdown even as an adult. (Oddly, I wasn't particularly prone to tantrums as a toddler.) Nothing infuriates me more than somebody trying to empathize with me. Unless, maybe, it's somebody trying to reason with me.
I assume that it's, while obviously not exactly the same, at least similar for toddlers. Ignoring the tantrum and coming back to the problem later (if you think it won't trigger another one), along with a cuddle if they want it, is almost always the way to go.
This is based on my experience not just as a parent but as a former child care worker. My mum, who teaches parenting, agrees.

If people were advocating getting angry at tantruming toddlers, sahdad then I'd understand your comments - because I think we're not that far apart on this - but ignoring isn't the same as punishing or getting angry. You let the child finish having their feelings, if that's why they're doing it, and then you deal with them. And if they're tantruming because they think they can force their parents to give them what they want, then they'll learn that doesn't work either.

'nothing infuriates me more than someone trying to empathize with me'

i think this is rather unusual. people trying but failing to empathize might be annoying to some adults - but certainly in my rather ample experience as a parent whenever i get it right it immediately produces very positive effects.

ignoring - in lots of ways - is much worse than shouting or punishing - because it refuses to engage with them in any way at all. nothing is so infuriating as that - and the poor little things are already upset (if they're on their way to having a blow-out)

I go for practicalities and if they are in the middle of a real tantrum it is impossible to engage in anyway- they are simply not listening or watching.
Ignoring is the only option and completely harmless because they really don't know what you are doing! The time to stop ignoring is when they come to and are prepared to be hugged, listen, watch your facial expressions etc.
I feel that your children are young sahdad2 and you are looking at it from a very adult way. When your children are older you will find that they look back very differently from you and things you think were important are forgotten and they remember things that you had completely forgotten until they come up with them. Mine would look at me as if I was completely loopy if I put your theories in front of them. If you meet the emotional needs of your children you really don't need to worry about ignoring them when they have their eyes screwed tight, are screaming and lashing out.
I said earlier they are all different. Nothing enrages me more as an adult, and it was the same as a child, if someone tries to empathise with 'I understand you feel upset because ......... but ......' It makes me want to swear! If they understand they could * well do something about it!! I therefore don't do it to others- but understand that it works for some others.

I would give different advice if they haven't started on the tantrum- mine is when they have reached the point of no return!

i think there's a really important difference between the very early stages of a flip-out, and when they've lost it already.

most of what i've been saying has been directed at the pre-total-flip-out stage. of course i would not try to communicate with a child who was hysterical - by that stage it is already too late for that.

whereas the conventional wisdom is to ignore, i think this is too severe, and recommend working very hard, very quickly, to get it across to them that you know why they're upset, so that frustration does not turn into blind rage etc. etc.

(and that 'i understand you feel upset because of.... - but you really must realize' formula, is really not what i had in mind. you empathize NOT by talking about their feelings (they have hardly even got the concept of 'their feelings' - that is a very grown up idea) - but by talking about the thing they're upset about. 'i'm annoyed the bike is broken too'; 'i'm upset about that as well - it would have been really nice to have a cake' etc. etc.

of course it is annoying if you're in the middle of trying to e.g. find the library, and someone starts talking to you about your feelings of frustration!! that will almost always be very annoying indeed.

more generally - i think talking to a very young child about their feelings - or their 'behaviour' is very very common, and very very unlikely to be understood.

I think they like to feel secure with a consistent parent who is firmly in charge. They know they can get annoyed/frustrated etc and express that in the only way they know and they know that they will be safe as you ignore it. Once they come out of it they can be hugged and their feelings discussed. As time goes on they find better ways- it is a phase.
If you give unconditional love, security, consistency, and time, then ignoring a tantrum will not hurt them.

Sahdad2 - that wouldn't work on mine with asd as they don't understand. You can't empathise with mine even when they aren't in meltdown

Brock have your children got asd?

I really don't think that a 2 yr is bothered that 'mummy is annoyed the bike is broken too'- they appreciate that sort of comment later when they are past the tantrum stage.

If they have asd they have significant problems with comphrension. Mine would struggle with mummy is upset bike is broken and they are a lot older! When they are in meltdown they couldn't care if both your legs were broken!

my ds usually throws a tantrum because of something silly like I cut his toast in two and he didn't want it cut.

so I say "if you're going to have a tantrum, I'll throw it in the bin and you won't have anything"...!

then he cries and I say, if you want it, you have to ask nicely, in a nice voice "please may I have the toast mummy" and he does this and all is ok!

So this way he knows that tantrums are out of order and how to ask nicely, so turning into the good behaviour to achieve the end result.

Haven't RTFT but wanted to post the site ahaparenting, as I often do, because the advice is so specific and helpful.

www.ahaparenting.com/ages-stages/toddlers/toddler-tantrums

They all struggle with communication which is why they have the tantrum. It is also why you don't need to waste a lot of words that they are either not going to understand or not listen to or not take in the way that an adult would.
The key is consistency, knowing the parent is in charge, they are safe, they will be cuddled and talked too after they have got rid of the frustration.

Today I can't go in shops as dd can't handle all shops having music. Other things can't have lights, sounds, music, crowds, loud noises, socks, shoes, hair, labels, heat, cold, not enough sleep, parties, school events, holidays, new places, seeing family, seeing friends, play dates and on and on and on and

Ninja you are spot on