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Original poster

Money for son - MIL says I'm in the wrong

44 replies

Bluedolphin1971 · 09/05/2015 19:01

When my son was born (he has just turned 18),we took out an endowment policy for him.
the policy has now matured, and we have received a cheque through from the endowment company. The amount we have received is more than we expected.

I haven't told my son about this money and we aren't telling him about it until he matures a little. The reason being is because he will squander it (he does this with any money he gets). he is leaving school after the summer, he has no college courses to go to and doesn't have a job. He hasn't even looked for college courses or a job and when asked what he plans to do, he just shrugs his shoulders and tell me to "chill out". So obviously we don't want him to spend this money on rubbish.

We have another child who is 11 and because the miney we have received is more than we thought we want to put half of it by for him (unfortunately we are not in a financial position to just give him the same amount when he turns 18).

Now my MIL knows we had this endowment for my oldest, she says he should be getting the money straight away as its his money to do with as he pleases and also we shouldn't be halving it with his brother.

My husband and I dint have any savings (we aren't in a position financially to save money) so we were going to open tax free savings accounts and when we feel oldest son is more mature give him the full amount from one account and when my youngest is mature enough give him the money from the other account.

Are we being unreasonable? My MIl is acting as if we are stealing the money and says she is going to tell my son we have this. I didn't want him to know because we will never hear the end of it.

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Mostlyjustaluker · 09/05/2015 19:04

I think you should make sure both boys get the same amount of money. I am completely with you on not giving it to him while he is bumming around. Don't tell him and keep it until he says he is saving to go to uni, learn to drive or buy a place.

FenellaFellorick · 09/05/2015 19:05

Is it his money held in his name or is it something you did in your name with the intention of handing it over?

I don't suppose its a popular view but I think that if a parent plans to save money for their child then that's great but it is a plan, not the child's money unless it comes from a third party. And if it is just saving your money with a plan to do something specific with it then you can change that plan if the circumstances warrant it.

TrulyTurtles · 09/05/2015 19:06

I might be wrong, but it was money you put aside, whatever the original intention. If he is a feckless bugger or not, you choose, split it, save it, blow it on wild nights out, it's still your money that you saved. (Personally I'd do what you said, it would kill me if I couldn't do the same for both)
And mil needs to keep her nose out.

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Velociraptor · 09/05/2015 19:06

Your plans for both boys sound very sensible. It would be very unfair of you to give more to one than the other.

TheGirlAtTheRockShow · 09/05/2015 19:06

So it was you as parents who bought the endowment? Not MIL?
Tell MIL to back off! It's still essentially your money, so your decision. Unless she bought the endowment it's nothing to do with her!

maroonedwithfour · 09/05/2015 19:08

Is it in his name?

shatteredstudentmum · 09/05/2015 19:09

It's not really anything to do with your Mil, if you've been saving then it's up to you how you split it. I would definitely give both my boys the same, even if that was only half of planned / hoped for amount.

Finola1step · 09/05/2015 19:10

None of your MIL's business. Sensible parenting IMO. Keep it and halve between both boys when each is ready.

sailoratsea · 09/05/2015 19:10

I would do what you plan to do. That money could really help your sons later in life or he could squander it now on going out with his mates.

fuzzywuzzy · 09/05/2015 19:10

I'd do as you want with the money. handing it all over to a petulant teen probably isn't in anyone's best interest.

Nothing to do with your MIL why does she even know?

Penfold007 · 09/05/2015 19:10

Put the money away in two seperate accounts until the boys are 21

catkind · 09/05/2015 19:11

Where did the money come from in the first place? Was it gifted to you or him or was it just yours? And was the endowment in his name or yours?
If it was your money in your endowment policy then I'd say you're completely free to change your minds about what to do with it; if it was gifted to you for him I think you have to give it to him not split it, but can reasonably delay when; if it's in his name then it's legally his and you surely do need to give it to him and now.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 09/05/2015 19:12

What's it got to do with mil? Tell her to beak out.

Who is the cheque made out to?

MrsWembley · 09/05/2015 19:12

It's effectively your money to do with as you please. I like the idea of you splitting it equally. Seems the fairest thing to do.

And tell your MiL that it's none of her business.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/05/2015 19:14

It's got fuck all to do with your MIL, it's your money, you have put it aside for your son to use sensibly, not to piss up the wall. It doesn't become his money until you give it to him, so she can STFU and you carry on and do what YOU think is right.

Linguini · 09/05/2015 19:14

It would be unfair to have the money for one sibling and not the other. As pp said, unless the money was provided by someone else specifically just for him.
I'd keep hold of it until he's 21 and tell mil to beck right off.

DinosaursRoar · 09/05/2015 19:14

Is it in dc1's name? Because if so, and now he's legally an adult, I'm not sure you can just do what you like with it, it's not your money anymore.

If it's in your name, then I'd split it, tell dc1 there is some money available if he wanted to do something like a course away from home, but stress that it's your savings.

DrivenRoundTheBend · 09/05/2015 19:15

my parents had one for me. They used the money for a holiday if I recall correctly. It wasn't my money, it was their money. Do with it what you want.

Mintyy · 09/05/2015 19:17

Can you clarify why you think your mil has a say in all of this?

WyrdByrd · 09/05/2015 19:19

Last year DD inherited £3k from her great granddad.

We have put it in a 3 year Post Office bond - would it be worth considering something like that, then hopefully your eldest DS can have his when he is 21. I also agree that it would be nice to put the extra aside for your younger son.

This has the added benefit of your being able to say to your MIL (should she ask - obviously it has sweet fa to do with her, but I know how they like to go on...) that you've reinvested it for his 21st, so even if she tells him, no-one can touch it anyway.

ConcreteElephant · 09/05/2015 19:21

My 2 DC have different savings accounts (from us, not including gifts from others). DD got the Child Trust Fund but DS didn't and until DS was born our Kidstart cash back went into DD's account alone. They will certainly have different amounts when the time comes to hand them over.

We fully intend making adjustments to ensure that each gets the same amount in the end. We are saving for their benefit and the money will be theirs but we intend for it to be fair.

I would say your plan is entirely reasonable.

Crikeyblimey · 09/05/2015 19:23

My mother left some money to my ds (and her other adult grandchildren). She told me before she died not to tell him about it till he was 30!!! Unfortunately, as it is in trust for him I don't think I can keep it a secret once he's 18.
I'd tell your mil to sod off - nowt to do with her.

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 09/05/2015 19:24

Dh and I put money asides for the kids but ultimately if we need that money at any point we will use it. Great if it is still there to pay uni fees but it is only in there while the sun is still shining.

Regarding your youngest - I should imagine the reason you didn't do the same with because you had the expense of a 7 year old!!

DurhamDurham · 09/05/2015 19:30

Your mil sounds like a delight, trying to cause a rift, surely she would want both grandchildren to be treated the same? Why does she favour the older one and what difference does it make to her if the money is shared?

Your plan is sensible and you should proceed with that.
If your son complains and moans too much give him nothing. He is in a very fortunate position, my two girls haven't any savings put aside for them, I hope he appreciates what you have done for him.

Stitchintime1 · 09/05/2015 19:35

Why doesn't she shut up?

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