Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

permissive parents

32 replies

emmafromchester · 26/04/2015 13:29

Hi everyone

When ever I do a parenting style test I end up being told I am a permissive parent and I guess I am very lenient with my eight yearly old daughter.

I wonder if there are other parents here that adopt a similar attitude with their children.

Pm if you wish.

Not from the press I promise

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

TeenAndTween · 26/04/2015 17:49

As you've not had any replies.

My immediate reaction is Good Luck with that.

When she's a teen will you be happy with any of

on phone / internet until all hours doing goodness knows what
staying out until all hours with goodness knows who
being a grandmother in 6 years time
spending so much time with boyfriend that school grades drop

My concern is - if you don't put boundaries in place now, how are you going to start later?

Sorry, not a real response to your post I know, I am definitely not a permissive parent!

Nishky · 26/04/2015 17:51

There are parenting style tests? Where?!

Sparklingbrook · 26/04/2015 17:53

I seem to be more lenient than other parents on MN and in RL. My boys are 13 and nearly 16 and they are absolutely fine.

They do have boundaries and they do have consequences but on the whole there's not too many arguments and they know where the line is.

That said DS2 is currently at the park and ignoring my calls and texts to get him home. My fault for not giving him a time to be home.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

SanityClause · 26/04/2015 17:58

I would say I'm a fairly permissive parent, in that I try to say "why not?" Rather than having "no" as my default setting.

If there's a reason why not, though, I will give it.

My DC are nearly 16, 14 and 11, and I don't have unruly, rebellious teens, so my approach seems to be working, so far.

Coyoacan · 26/04/2015 18:02

I was relatively permissive, but I would draw the line at anti-social behaviour. Anything to do with things that would affect my dd's health and well-being I explained to her thoroughly and have been fortunate in that she now thirty with a lot of good qualities and no harmful habits.

I have another friend who was more like me and she also has had the good fortune for her children to turn out well, whereas two other friends who have always been much more strict have had some very serious problems with their teenagers.

Obviously that is not a true survey of child-rearing methods, just personal observation.

Sparklingbrook · 26/04/2015 18:09

That sounds like me Sanity, I have often said 'no' initially then had a think and then thought well actually that's ok.

It's quite difficult trying to ascertain how friends' parents feel though. With the 13 year old there is quite a range. Some are allowed into town, some are but only as far as a certain point, some not at all.

TheoriginalLEM · 26/04/2015 18:11

you know those Facebook tests are a load of fanny waffle don't you?

SanityClause · 26/04/2015 18:20

i know what you mean about other parents, Sparkling. Sometimes I worry I'm too lenient, when I see how other people are. (But maybe my DC think I'm too strict.)

TeenAndTween · 26/04/2015 19:13

Genuine question.
If you have boundaries that you actually stick to, wherever they are, does that count as permissive, or just lenient?
I think of permissive parenting as not having boundaries, or not sticking to them, rather than just having more lenient/strict boundaries.

Shuang · 26/04/2015 19:25

I am also a lenient one and I have a very active 3 year old. I have boundaries when it's not safe or is rude etc, but I somehow appreciate DS is not a boy who can sit stand or stay still for longer span so I can be permissive in some cases.
Working on being stricter now but honestly some rules I don't believe inmmyself so hard to reinforce...
Watching the thread with interest.

DinkyDye · 26/04/2015 19:28

My parents were permissive and we knew where the actual line was not to step over as opposed to my friends who were always guessing.

I'd like to raise my dc that way but l do think you have to be a certain type of person which I'm not sure l am. But I'm going to try

Sparklingbrook · 26/04/2015 19:48

I think it's hard to explain without referring to a particular boundary Teen.

Franke · 26/04/2015 19:52

Good question re lenient vs permissive.

I like to think I'm not stupid strict like my own parents were but rather help them to reach sensible decisions about their actions. Dd who is 12 wants to be micro-managed and I really try to avoid it and help her make decisions and own them. DS1 who is 11 hates being ordered around, so I avoid it as much as possible. I make sure I'm at least acquainted with the parents of the kids they're hanging around with. I can already see that parents who are stupid strict are storing up problems for the future. For me it's all about trust and respect and I tell my kids that. I also accept that they'll have secrets (from me) and make their own mistakes and hopefully learn from them.

TeenAndTween · 26/04/2015 20:19

OK, so for the sake of argument, film ratings.

I'm strict, we stick to age ratings. I take the view that experts more qualified than me have made the decisions, plus also there are plenty of other 'in age' films so we'll stick with the ratings.

Some other may be lenient and say you can watch a 12 age 10, or even say they'll take it on a case by case basis.

My preconception is that a permissive parent would say it was up to the child, and if they find it gives them nightmares, then they'll probably not do it again, but they still wouldn't stop them.

Is that right?

Similarly bedtimes.

My children go upstairs relatively early, but they seem to need the sleep.
A lenient parent might have later bedtimes but would still have clear latest time somewhere. My preconception is a permissive parent would let them go up whenever, even if they were then tired next day for school.

Sparklingbrook · 26/04/2015 20:35

We used to have a in bed for such and such a time rule followed by yelling up a little while later for lights out. Now, we don't have bedtimes but both take themselves off to bed. DS2 always asleep by the time we go to bed, DS1 often up still, but he's nearly 16, has GCSEs approaching and knows he needs his sleep.

Films probably not a good example here, DS2 at 13 still into stuff like Lego Movie etc, and has shown no interest in 'older' films. DS1 not a film fan at all. He watches stuff like Russell Howard/Celebrity Juice/ Blackadder.

Both have played Call of Duty though which I know won't be popular. The majority of their peers in both ages do. But both prefer FIFA at the moment.

lexyloub · 26/04/2015 21:18

I'm trying to be more lenient and extend the boundaries. I let my 2 ds play out in the street for the 1st time today unsupervised (I was stood in the window but not physically outside) they was told to stay on the path not to go on the road which they didn't, but they was back after 5 mins it occurred to me they didn't know how to play out which I find so sad. Kids need to be kids I think we're far too protective these days.

Sparklingbrook · 26/04/2015 21:23

I know what you mean lexy. I had to hover about outside, then I stood in the kitchen feeling anxious, but in time I let them go out of my sight to the other end of the close, and kind of did it in stages. they then met the neighbourhood children and I met the parents and we all looked out for each other etc.

Coyoacan · 26/04/2015 21:39

I knew the word permissive wasn't right, lenient is a good one and now reading things like bedtimes and rated films, I certainly believed in bedtimes and that children shouldn't be exposed to x-rated films. But that is about looking after their health, isn't it?

Sparklingbrook · 26/04/2015 21:41

When mine were younger they had to be cajoled into bed and there was much moaning and trying to get a bit longer IYKWIM.

I think as teens providing the signs are that they are responsible and sensible you have to hand some control over, as you want them to be prepared for the world without being micromanaged.

ragged · 26/04/2015 21:49

I think I'm fairly permissive but then notice I actually spend a lot more time than other parents supervising kids in public places because they jolly well need it.

Not fair of OP to post & run... where's this permissive parenting checklist, then?

SanityClause · 26/04/2015 21:58

Well, maybe I'm "lenient" not "permissive", then Teen.

Recently, DD1 wanted to go to a gig at a venue in London. She has been to Wembley before with her boyfriend, and I was okay with that. I felt they would be looking out for each other.

She didn't have a plan about who would be going to this second gig. It was someone's spare tickets. I felt really uncomfortable, but if she had come up with a good plan, I would have considered it. In the event, I checked, and the age restriction for the venue was 16 (she is still 15).

She was fine when I pointed this out. (And it gave me a get out, at the time. She's 16 in less than a month, though. Gaaaah!)

My point is, I would not have dismissed it out of hand, but would have been receptive to her ideas for how it could work.

She wanted her lip pierced for Christmas. We discussed it, and I said if the school was not happy with the clear retainer she was proposing to use, then she would have to take it out, and let it grow over. She accepted that, and so I let her have the piercing.

Some of her friend's parents have been quite shocked that I let her do that. So, to them I am possibly seen as permissive.

lexyloub · 26/04/2015 22:00

I kept telling them to go find a tree to climb or a den to build ( nearly told them to go play knock n run lol) my dc would happily spend all day on the ipad if I'd let them, I gave them the "we didn't have ipads when we were kids" line I FEEL SO OLD!!

Sparklingbrook · 26/04/2015 22:00

Lenient doesn't sound good though, it sounds like we are slack parents and we aren't.

I am a big fan of not sweating the small stuff basically.

AvaCrowder · 26/04/2015 22:01

My dc are aged between 6 and 16. I am considered a permissive parent by a lot of spankers.

I respect my dc and treat them with the same courtesy as most adults. I do have expectations but tend not to enforce them in front of adults who I wouldn't expect the same from. eg I won't make a fuss about my dc leaving the table at Christmas before I have finished eating, because other adults will have done, but I ask them to wait for me and each other day to day.

I try to be kind to them when they share information with me and are honest, even if they have done something that I don't like, because I want them to always be honest with me.

I don't shout at anybody, and I expect them not to shout.

I think that the lack of public humiliation means people think that I don't discipline my dc. I do, but I discipline myself first.

SanityClause · 26/04/2015 22:33

Ha ha, Ava, sounds like you have had criticism from a certain particular direction!

I agree that just because others can't see you enforcing boundaries, doesn't mean you don't have any.

And yes, Sparkling, "don't sweat the small stuff" pretty much sums it up. I suppose what counts as small stuff for some is big stuff for others, though. So, maybe the parents who are seen as permissive just have a different definition of "small" to the ones who are doing the labelling?

Flip

1 2