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Parenting

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Original poster

What do you do about competitive mums

48 replies

Loll34 · 05/11/2006 19:07

I'm afflicted with a couple of these at antenatal groups...you know, the sort whose little darlings always seem to be composing a symphony while yours are banging drums against their heads...the sort who can always trump anything your child can do and through their pitying looks imply that your little one is hopelessly slow. The sort who seem to think they've produced the next messiah instead of a baby.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

WelshBoris · 05/11/2006 19:08

Smile sweetly, ignore them because when theyre home chances are little Oscar/Pearl is a little fecker

And their husband is shagging his personal assistant

busybusymum · 05/11/2006 19:10

just smile and wave, smile and wave.

WhizzBangCaligula · 05/11/2006 19:12

I've honestly never met any.

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Original poster

Loll34 · 05/11/2006 19:14

Lucky you, often they are former friends who turn once offspring is produced.

Both of mine are struggling to lose baby weight at the moment so am taking petty revenge by sabotaging their diets with chocolate biscuits whenever they're at my house.

OP posts:

ejt1764 · 05/11/2006 19:17

Echoing WelshBoris here - smile sweetly, nod ... then start a conversation about how you think that competitive parents are really sad for living vicarously through their kids (all in the abstract, of course!) ... talk about how sad it is that people (not people here, of course) have so little substance to their own lives that they cannot allow their children to develop at the normal rate ....

works for me!

ejt

riab · 05/11/2006 19:19

Sniffle into my cup of tea and tell them that DS is sadly afflicted with a whole host of disabilities preventing him from composing a symphony, and then smile bravely and say "but I do think disabled children bring so much thats special into your life"

SSSandy · 05/11/2006 19:21

avoid

stand up and wander off every time they start bragging but listen attentively when they talk about anything else

bosscat · 05/11/2006 19:22

my friend is the uber competitive mum. she's been doing my head in for ages. I find i have to just spend much less time with her than in the old days as I can't bear it. When I was on mat leave I would see her weekly and it drove me bananas but now I'm back at work its perhaps once a month and i can cope. When I told her I was pregnant with ds2 (she had 2 at the time) her exact words were .... "you'll be really fat in the summer". because she was pissed off I was 'catching up'. She has 3 now and constantly asks if I'm having a third. Then she tells me how I shouldn't, she would never do it now if she was as old as me (she only had hers about 20 months ago and we are the same age!) its sooooooooooo hard, I'd never cope. Honestly, you just have to laugh.

Original poster

Loll34 · 05/11/2006 19:36

I would really like to think that women like that lie awake at night contemplating their lives and silently screaming into their pillows. Alas, i think they're mostly just smug.

Everyone is much more tolerant than me, I'm really at the point of telling one of them just to piss off.

OP posts:

bosscat · 05/11/2006 19:44

well to be fair I think my friend is desperately unfullfilled. She views houses she knows she isn't going to buy constantly. Her dh is dull as dishwater, her job which she does part time she hates. her way of dealing with it is to assert how blissfully happy she is and to run others down and make them feel bad. Somehow that gets her through the day.

Whereas a frothy coffee and a new pair of shoes works for me!

tribpot · 05/11/2006 19:49

Bide your time ... you will find your moment to deliver a killer blow (or just tell them to piss off, I think this is also reasonable). I have just knocked one of my competitive mum friends for six by being able to demonstrate my ds spends less time in (paid for) childcare than hers; the only reason she texted me was to commiserate / feel better on the assumption that I would have to admit that mine was in nursery longer than hers. Ha! DENIED.

SSSandy · 05/11/2006 19:51

I suspect every one who goes overboard with this is desperately insecure

Original poster

Loll34 · 05/11/2006 20:03

They must be... also suppose they will get their comeuppance once kids become old enough to start resenting their 'child prodigy' label.

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GoingQuietlyMad · 05/11/2006 20:20

Just avoid like the plague is my policy if I can.

Difficult when it is your family though. We have it coming from both sides in our family. We have actually in all sincerity been told that all of the other grandchildren are geniuses at some stage. Even the grandparents (our parents) get in on the boasting at times.

Try saying "So which of your children do you think is actually the brightest?" and then tune out of the response, nodding occasionally.

Tortington · 05/11/2006 20:27

put gum on their seat. spit in their coffee and when PMT say " oh fuck off will you theres a dear"

Original poster

Loll34 · 05/11/2006 20:59

lol custardo, but fear I'd be ostracised by my antenatal group...on the other hand they might just all cheer.

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maggiesmama · 05/11/2006 21:04

its a bit odd, because my dd appears reasonbly 'early' with quite a lot of stuff. now we all know that they will all, except under fairly exceptional circumstance, walk, talk, write, read etc within months of each other. and that they will all be good at different things. i have never 'hot housed' my dd, but i suspect that because i dont have a partner, i talk 'to' her more, you know? i think that at least partially explains why she has a bigger vocab etc. but, the other parents are sooo competative, and imply i have been forcing her, or hot housing her. its so ridiculous, i think. in fact, i'm pretty sure if they could choose between having a child who reads early, or a partner around, they'd choose the latter. anyway - i was so hacked off, i taught her the two times table. just because i thought if they were gonna be competitive, i'd give them something to really bitch about. i mean - its meaningless - no diff to learning the name of fruit or whatever. made me chuckle. treid to teach her pie too, but she went pop. ahahahahaha

WhizzBangCaligula · 05/11/2006 21:41

I think maybe it's because I never bothered to communicate with any of the mothers at playgroup. I just never talked to any of them about kids, I met a couple of interesting people and we talked about politics and interesting stuff and so we never really talked kids so I never got any of that "his tooth is coming through earlier than everyone else's, he must be a re-incarnation of Mozart".

But I also think that sometimes people aren't being competitive, they're just chatting and they're perceived as competitive. I did once witness the strangest incident where someone made a remark about someone else's kid not walking yet (not a hostile or unpleasant remark, just chatty and casual) and the non-walking child's mother later commented on how ridiculous it was to be competitive about something like that. But I didn't really think the other woman wasn't being competitive, I thought she was just making boring conversation. Maybe if she'd been making it about my child I would have been more sensitive about it though and had her down as competitive.

RobertCatesby · 05/11/2006 21:43

Let them get on with it and carry on as I always to, minding my own business.

spinningkittywheel · 05/11/2006 22:25

Try to remember that competitivness is about insecurity and self doubt.
These women are really worried they they and their children are not up to scratch.
You can quietly carry on KNOWING that you and yours are absolutely fine and dandy with nothing at all to prove.
You can sit back with a smug grin and watch them flap and panic

Elibean · 05/11/2006 22:36

Remember that in a few years time NONE of whatever they're banging on about is going to be relevent: they all catch up with each other eventually. The kids that is - not so sure about the Mums

Ignore it, its based on anxiety - just say 'mmhmm' and smile and then change the subject.

hoolagirl · 05/11/2006 23:53

Thank god I haven't come across anyone like that yet, my DS is as slow as a snail at picking things up, just don't want my wee cherub to grow up

quanglewangle · 06/11/2006 00:06

Maybe I am thick skinned, but can't say I came across any competitive mothers either.

I suppose I interpreted comments about their child's achievements as just being proud mums, and in any case, over time, positive comments were usually balanced by the negatives.

MummyPig · 06/11/2006 00:22

I come across them but I just feel smug that I am not like them

threebob · 06/11/2006 00:25

As long as they use the child's name I don't mind. What I couldn't stand was "we are walking" etc. I would always say "yes, you can both walk now".

How is a child supposed to learn grammar with such a misuse of "we"?

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