What do you do about competitive mums

[Loll34]

I'm afflicted with a couple of these at antenatal groups...you know, the sort whose little darlings always seem to be composing a symphony while yours are banging drums against their heads...the sort who can always trump anything your child can do and through their pitying looks imply that your little one is hopelessly slow. The sort who seem to think they've produced the next messiah instead of a baby.

Oh, I hate that too, Threebob - "we are dry at night now", "have we done a poo", "shall we change our nappy" (these all appear to be poo-related...) - fgs!

I got so fed up with all that nonsense at my baby/toddler group that I began to take a perverse pride in my DD1s ability to do everything last. It totally destroyed the competitive mummys smug enjoyment and our group is much nicer for it now. (Except for one mother of an only child, but don't get me started on her...).

My FIL is pushing for my son to be dry at night so he can boast to his cronnies that he goes to the pub with who also have grandchildren.

My comment was "it is hardly something that will go on his CV"

I laugh at competitive parents, there was a v good article on this where parents were boasting what books their children were reading (these were school aged children) conversation of something like "oh Petunia is on book 7 now" cue smug laugh which resulted in parent of other child only on book 4, looking through bag of book 7 child when they came over for tea!!!!! and discovered they were actually reading book 4 too.

The milestones are very obvious when they are babies but not so much when they go to school.

pmsl at "Smile and Wave" we use that phrase a lot in our house. It is the best thing to do. Had "friend" whose child did everything first. ie you say your child rolled over their reply "oh, Cedric has been doing that for weeks" and that nasal laugh that follows.

"we are dry at night" I'm afraid I would have to follow that one up with...

"your dh must be pleased."

I seem to only see people who moan about their children now - but they were the boastful ones previously.

3bob - agree about previously boastful mummies turning into moaners. My friend who was OTT about her son writing his name at 3 and reading fluently at 4 is now daily in floods of tears because aged 5 and at school, he won't wipe his bottom after a poo.

But rare is the child that excels in everything! I guess every parent gets to boast and fret in turn about something!

I was going to say, well WE can all walk and wipe our bums after a poo, but then thought that I had known a few men who hadn't yet mastered that particular skill. So she is right to worry...

threebob i like your reply. recently went to visit a friend's baby for 1st time and her friend visited also. every time we meet it's like her child is better than mine because hers was born prem. felt like saying well at least mine isn't so naughty andf noisy around a new mom and new baby

I've got a couple of friends like this and my standard response...well, at least he's(ds) not ugly!!!

I was at a baby weigh in clinic today , there was one mother there with a toddler and baby asleep in car seat. Another woman came in with v. large pram, I couldn't see in it.

1st mum leapt up to look in pram and cooed about the baby, asking its age. When she was told "3 months" she shrieked and said somthing like "3 months? Mine is 5 months look how much bigger she is"
Woman with pram baby looked very stoney faced and said nothing. First woman then started to go on about how giangantic her daughter was, off the scale infact blah, blah, blah. Poor woman in pram looked most put out. I said that it didn't matter one jot if someone was big or small.
It was patenetly obvious if a baby was thriving or not and that these red books just caused mothers to obsess and fuss unnecessaruly.
Anyway the point of this is that I really hate it so much when mothers are competetive about the size of their children as if they are somehow better for being bigger. Grrr

My brother has a dd a few days younger than mine - and he is ALWAYS comparing them. I try not to let it bother me, and I have a sort of mental scrap book where I stick his most outrageous comments -as, for example- the time I commented on how much my dd loved dressing up and said to him "Does M like dressing up?" His reply? "No, M's imagination doesn't need props"!

cite that research that came out today about how early pushing is bad for children;s development - especially their confidence.

although I must be oblivious to competitive mums cos I genuinely don;t hear it/don;t care. if Alfie is composing a symphony good for Alfie. means jack shit to me. (unless I like Alfie and his parents, which I usually do, tbh, in which case I think it's nice)

I agree with caligula - i interpret comments about achievenemts as just that. I think it's a fair topic for conversation and not necessarily indicative of being competitive. although I am a bit inconsistent in that I assume other parents aren't being competitive, whilst also assuming that if I so much as mention reading or wiping bums I will be condemned as competitive. ie I think it's a fair topic of conversation for everyone else apart from me

Curlew, I like the idea of a "mental scrapbook", I'll use that one in the future

Nah, there's definitely a difference between chatting about what each other's kids have done lately and enjoying their achievements and the sort of one-upmanship which means that your every comment is met with one demonstrating the
superiority of their offspring.

I have a friend who manages to drop into every conversation that she has a degree! Like she is the only person in the world who went to uni!

And I do mean every conversation, it really doesnt matter what we are chatting about: DC schooling, price of bread etc it always gets dropped into conversation in terms "I didnt know bread was so costly and I have a degree!!!!!" LOL She is hilarious but its a bit tiresome!

I always try presuming up. ie: with friend with repetitive degree mentioning syndrome, I'd drop into the conversation "Though of course you'd probably not have to worry about that, what with your first". Or with the book reading genius children "Oh mine is hopeless, but I expect yours is the one on level 567 - the teacher didn't say who that was but I am guessing its yours" (knowing full well no one is on level 567, but it drives them mad!). God I'm a cow.

I ignore them and dont tell them very much about my child cos you know what they aint interested.

A friend of mine is a shocker for bragging about her kids. They are bright but she has convinced everyone by mouth rather than proof that they are einsteins!

I think if it is a fair exchange of conversation regarding the abilities of little ones and you have an example to share then fair game.

My brother's a bit like that, Curlew. On seeing DS2 sucking his thumb at 3 he said that neither of his had ever sucked dummies, thumbs or fingers coz they were so secure. Yeah right.

Dont understand it myself.

My kids are all geniuses. I dont have to brag cos everyone can see it for themselves.

Just kidding.. ha ha ha ha !

Oops, sorry, didnt mean to kill this thread.
BUMP.

kittywits- sorry i am one of those mums, but it is not to be competitive... i got so much jip from other mothers about my ds being overweight (he is only 8mths) that i tend to bring up his weight to laugh it off before anyone else can. then i got accused of being cmopetitive and boasting about it. cant win. i think i need to learn the smile and wave tactic much cleverer.

Megusta, why do other mums give you jip ? I can't understand how an 8 month old can be overweight. Having had some small and some medium babies I now have a 10 month old who is extraordinarily lardy. I love it. Perhaps the other mums are just jealous of you, think of it that way