I have really mixed feelings about having a second child. Does that mean I should wait?

[Saltedcaramel2014]

I have DS (22months) and I'm 35. We were lucky enough to conceive him easily. I would like him to have a sibling, and DH is v keen to get going. Sleep has always been bad. I'm tired and the thought of doing it all over again makes my heart sink. I'm only just starting to get my brain and career back. I don't want to sound ungrateful - I adore the family we have. I'd like to expand it but I feel tired and sad at the grumpy person I'm worried it'll make me, in the short term. But I don't want to find it's too late, either. Should I just do it and hope it all pans out? Relationship with DH and DS are both solid. I'd really appreciate some advice, don't mean to sound negative.

I do understand about wanting to get your brain and career back. I think that the problem with waiting is that it may be even harder to go back to the sleepless nights etc when you've had a year or two without them - that's why I had my DC in quick succession.

But at the end of the day, don't have another baby unless you want to. Not as a sibling for DS or because DH is keen. Think about what YOU really want.

I couldn't imagine having my second for a really long time. I was so sick of the broken sleep, weaning, toilet training, constantly being needed 24x7 & putting my needs last! I waited it out until I was 'ready' again - took me 6 years though!!

I got twins, but if it had been a singleton pregnancy there is no way I would of gone through pregnancy/nightmare birth/nightmare first year again. Not for all the tea in China! There's nowt wrong with having one child - makes life a lot easier for all involved in lots of ways.

Thanks both. Your experiences are really interesting to hear about. I feel selfish for doing this on my terms, but I remember clearly just how much the newborn time is largely down to the mum. I overthought having DS though and actually once we went for it I was blissed out in pregnancy and never looked back. I just don't feel I'm doing that great as a mum/working mum or am on top of things as is like to be, so going in for more seems a bit mad. Anyway, thanks for your thoughts.

I really couldn't entertain the idea of a second child until the first was approaching 3. You have a lot of good reasons to wait!

thanks Katherine - and I now down to you on caring for twins :)

Bow down I meant...

SNAP!! In exactly the same position. I have days where I just can't imagine not having a second and then days where I want to sell DS on ebay!

My DS is 22 months too and a crap sleeper. The first year was so horrendous that I can't imagine going through that again as well as a toddler. I'm 38 though so feel as though time is beginning to run out.

No advice sorry Salted - it's hard isn't it?

I know I very strongly wanted a child, I never thought I was starting a family. And I still feel as if I have my baby and don't feel I could have another. I am similar, me, DS and DH are having a lovely time and I feel so happy with what we have. But then DS is only 8 months, so I may get broody and want another. But I won't have anther one to 'complete the family' etc unless I am actually strongly yearning for a baby. I had a very sicky pregnancy all the way through and would be terrified of it happening again and trying to look after DS while vomiting all day or lying down exhausted because I couldn't eat. I am not a terribly patient person and so I feel I could be a bad, shouty mum to two children, whereas I have been chilled (up to this point!) with DS because is my sole focus. I loved the newborn phase, but that would never be the same with a second baby, not as much time to sit for hours and gaze and hold and plan all the ridiculous things you'll do with them (that never happen maybe!). The relationship I have with DS is lovely, I love the pair of us doing everything together and I just don't see another child in this. My DH and I aren't hugely stressed with one child and our relationship is good and I don't know how that would be with two. I've been told I'm selfish because I want to have an easier life with one child (there is no guarentee it'll be easier so this is crap, who knows what the future will bring) but I don't see how having another child because it's the expected progression of the family the right thing to do! If I had another baby I know I'd love it, but I'm like you, I know I'd be stressed, harassed and exhausted for a few years and I don't want to live like that. I would wait until you are sure. Give it a year and your DS will be in preschool and sleeping (I hope for you ) and maybe you'll just yearn for another baby!

Widdle - ah so nice to hear you are in a similar position. It IS hard. On the one hand I know we're privileged to be able to decide - but it feels like a massive decision. In some ways bigger than baby 1, as you know what might actually be in store. I guess we maybe need to think about how things would look if we didn't go for it. How we might feel if there were a big age gap or issues conceiving when slightly older. Hmm. How does your partner feel?

Buglife- thanks for your lovely message. Your family sounds like a great unit and your description of life with your little one actually made me feel quite broody :) but yes, You're right that with the second one there wouldn't be that same gazing time. I find having a toddler brilliant but such a different world from bejng mum to a baby. Temper frays a lot. I can also see the joy he gets from other kids and I guess I feel I'd like to give him that too (rather than 'complete' the family in an abstract sense, for the sake of convention ). I also loved having a brother and sister, still do. Anyway, enjoy this time!

I feel very similar to Bug about it. I have a six month old who I am now really enjoying. First three months I felt like I'd made a terrible mistake, I'm not going through that again with a toddler as well!

Yes, I have a much loved older brother, and I love my family and have such great memories of us playing together! And I know that I'd get on with it and get through a pregnancy, and the baby stage, and any problems DS had with his new life, and adjust to being so immersed in two children! But Maybe it's because I wanted DS so badly, and I was just so excited for him coming, and loved the newborn phase, I just can't imagine having another child without that same feeling behind it, and like you say, in the hopes it would pan out ok and in a couple of years we'd come out the other end alive! But that's what so many people do, and being a much loved second child myself I know it's fine I'm probably just still very caught up in DS right now!

I so understand you, OP, and was almost about to post almost the same message. MY DS is 20 months, so a similar age to yours, we both love him to bits, and I really enjoyed pregnancy / the baby stage as well.

We are both working full time and just about ticking over, so I am mostly worried about how we'd cope with a second one, in particular with arranging childcare. One would be in school, one would be at nursery - how would that work with drop offs and pick ups? We have no grand parents nearby and my husband works an hour away...

I'd lose my office (I work from home a lot, so this matters), we are just coming to the stage of being able to do fun stuff with DS1, travelling is getting easier as less equipment.

And then DS was a very easy baby. How would we cope if DC2 wasn't (not sleeping, etc....)

I really need somebody to put my head right!

Hello dodi. There are so many things to consider, aren't there? And like you say it's the buzz of getting to a fun, and in some ways easier, stage with no. 1 that makes it seem there's more to lose. And as well as the practical concerns there is the more emotional stuff. I just sat down with DH to talk this through and we talked about the practicalities (similar to your thoughts about nursery drop off) and I started crying out of nowhere because I'm worried DS will be (in the short term) confused/sad, I'll have to ignore him a lot, we'll lose the bond we have - anyway, a bunch of emotional stuff I didn't realise was underlying all this. But anyway... back to practicalities, do you need much space for your work? I work full time freelance and no longer have a home office, but I found the switch to cafés and library was actually great, energising and means I can ignore the chores...

Took me till DS was 3 to contemplate it! Felt exactly like you at your stage. Then DS started sleeping 8-7 and could go to the loo on his own and could dress himself and hold really entertaining conversations and I finally felt like I was ready for Round 2! DS2 due when DS is just 4. But I could quite easily not have gone for it and been very happy. Give it time and it'll probably become clear one way or another.

PS I was 35 when I had DS1 and will be 39 when DS2 arrives....

I was very much the same as you OP, and I say that sat here 34 weeks pregnant with no. 2! I won't lie, I have a certain sense of dread about what is to come, as DD (nearly 3) was a high needs baby and is now quite a high maintenance toddler. But I was never certain I wanted kids in the first place - I didn't 'not' want them (dreadful grammar, sorry!) but never really wanted them either. DH had always wanted kids and I guess my reluctance didn't feel enough to stand in the way. I felt a sudden surge of broodiness when DD was about 9 months old, and I was certain I wanted more. But then that faded away as she got older and life got a bit more predictable. DH really wanted another, and if I am honest I only really agreed because he wanted to so much, and because I do really want DD to have a sibling. My sister is my best friend and I can't imagine what my childhood would have been like without her. Yes, the early days of newborn plus toddler will probably be hellish, I am very realistic about that. But in time, they will have their own little relationship which will bloom, and whilst I can't imagine it at all yet I am sure I will love this baby as much as I do my DD.
It is important that you make the right decision for you, but I don't think it's possible to rule out what other people might want or have to gain from it too.
I am possibly the least selfless person I know, but the truth is that right now I'm having this baby because I know it's the right thing for my family. I have spent much of my pregnancy feeling mild terror at what I have done, but once he's here and in between the sleep deprivation and pooey nappies, I know that I will feel the same way as I did about my DD in those early days.
That was all a bit rambly but I wanted to reassure you that you're not alone in how you're feeling - I'm just not sure you'll ever be certain what the 'right' answer is!

Thanks Daisy and Notmuch for sharing how it was for you. Congratulations on your pregnancies. It's so refreshing to hear people's honest thought processes on here. I agree Notmuch that it's difficult to separate out what's right for you/your family as their happiness is part of your own, after all. And oh to have a boy one day that sleeps 8-7! It gives me hope

Hi Salted!

I was also in tears yesterday... would dearly love No 2 and it was always planned like that (both I and my husband come from two child families, so it sort of seems 'natural' to us... and I really enjoyed pregnancy and birth... well, birth to some extent!).
I am also worried about losing the bond I have now with DS1, and never building up such a strong bond with new DD or DS... maternity leave will be different, it will never be as intense as the first time round where I spent a lot of time socialising with other mums and the rest on the sofa with DS1 snoozing on my shoulder and myself with a book - bliss! But I am most worried about the practicalities of drop offs / pick ups and whether we'd have any family time at all!
The office thing would be annoying, but that's the lowest barrier...
Oh I don't know... current plan is for me to come off the pill in August... hopefully...

Hi everyone. So nice to read this thread because lots here that all sounds very familiar! I did eventually decide to have a second - DS2 is now 4 weeks old. But it was an agonising decision, for all the reasons mentioned already.

I don't think anyone should feel at all selfish for deciding not to have a second. Being a parent is hard, and what on earth is wrong in wanting to make your life a little bit easier?! Ultimately, for me, it came down to heart-over-head. Lots of sensible reasons to stick at one child, but i knew that whenever the three if us sat at a table for four, it would always feel like there was someone missing. Silly, isn't it? But i couldn't quite ignore that thought.

The thing that swayed my decision was realising that, for me, having children was a long-term plan - i want to enjoy having grown-up children as well as younguns. So the deal i made with myself was that it was just about ok if i don't find the next two or three years totally fulfilling. My experience of DS1 is that it gets easier and easier every month, so i've basically decided to take a massive leap of faith that it will all be ok! Very early days, but the one thing i can report is that looking after a newborn second time round feels like a piece if piss compared to a toddler!

Good luck to you all, and enjoy your families, whatever size they are!

Give yourself time, 22 months isnt long.

Me and DH had always said that we would try again when DD turned two, I wasn't ready and we delayed it by six months, those extra few months helped me feel rested and mentally prepared to try again, now nearly a year down the line I am not pregnant so actually we are looking at least 3.5 possibly 4 years between. I think thats ok and feel able to look after and be excitied about a newborn, I would also love more time my DD before she starts school which maternity leave would give me.

I couldn't even consider having DC2 until DS was 22 months. My pregnancy was horrendous. And DS a refluxy baby until...well he still has reflux aged 3.5 and needs daily meds. I Decided to try again cos I had always wanted 2 and DS really needed another child in the family (only grandchild both sides and very doted on). I fortunately got pregnant first month Ttc.

Again an awful pregnancy and a difficult first year as I was very ill and both boys have been ill.
I don't regret my decision in the slightest. To my surprise, DS1 who was always jealous of DH isn't jealous of DS2. They get on really well.

However, I was prepared to sacrifice 9 months to an awful pregnancy. And more months juggling baby and toddler but I am not prepared to do it again for a third (DH wants 3)

I will say though that DS1 was very hard work but now he's easier and dS2 is easier than dS1 was so in total it's not harder than baby DS1 by himself. Apart from the cumulated sleep deprivation!

I felt the same as Shelduck that our family plan of having children was always a long term goal, and dealing with the first few years of no sleep etc, was a part of of the "short term pain, long term gain" mentality I have prepared for. Our 2 DC (now 2 and 4) was definitely hard work at the start, especially the newborn and toddler phase, but now the rewards are just starting to show. They play so well together, entertain each other, etc.

I know its a really hard choice thinking about DC#2, especially when thinking about ££, sleep, logistics of child care, etc, but it really does all work out somehow. I know people say "you'll just cope!" and you think, what the f*#k does that actually mean??? But that is exactly what happens. Before when I had DC#1, I would agonise over my lack of sleep, and argue and barter with DH about who gets the lie in. Then with #2, all that goes out the window, because no one has time to sleep or lie in, or time to rest or sit down. And somehow, your body just goes into auto mode and you don't have time to realise your tired. I know that sounds harsh, but thats what happens - you just accept the reality of the situation and crack on. The first 6 months were hard, but now we're breezing through and I know it was all worth it. We wouldn't change it for the world. And now DC are 4 and 2 and everyone is sleeping through the night :)

All of these posts resonate with me! Salted to answer your question, unfortunately DH is just as ambiguous about it as me. I think if he was really set for or against then I would just go with his decision.

ISpiderman - it's nice to hear your experience because my DS was pretty full on in the first year. I tell people it's so much easier now he is a toddler and they look aghast .

I am so dreading the thought of having to go through the baby stage but I think you and pp are right. When I look at my picture of family life long term it is a family of 4. That said I don't want too large an age gap (my age counts against me anyway) so if it ends up the 3 of us I think I'll be perfectly happy too. Arghhhhh - I go round and round in circles!

I also have an awful fear that if DC2 had special needs I really wouldn't be able to cope. Why mess with my lovely happy family by taking a chance. That sounds really awful written down and no offence meant.