Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Children going to see granddad's body

33 replies

bensam · 22/04/2015 12:17

Hi. Please could you share your thoughts/experiences of young children going to see a family member's body and attending the funeral? Dds are 5 & 7. They were very close to their grandad who we nursed at home to the end on Sunday (died of pancreatic cancer so it's all happened a bit quick but have kept them informed throughout). I'm just not sure whether to take them to see him. I'd like them to have a better visual memory of him than what they saw when he died. Would welcome your thoughts. Thanks

OP posts:
MyFriendsCallMeOh · 22/04/2015 12:20

Sorry for your loss. I know it's normal in some cultures to see the body but there is no way I would want my kids to think of their grandparent as a dead body, rather the person he was.

SunnyBaudelaire · 22/04/2015 12:22

I wouldn't. they are so young, it is not necessary.
Sorry for your loss.

TengoSueno · 22/04/2015 12:23

I am sorry for your loss.

I would see how he looks after he has been prepared. My nan was laid out and she did not look like my nan. They did the best they could but because of the condition of her body she did not look right. Personally I would be led by the children. I know my 7 year old would not want to but others may do.

LittleLionMansMummy · 22/04/2015 12:23

Sorry for your loss. Have you asked them?

I was older when my granddad died. My sisters and I were asked what we wanted to do. I chose not to see him and have never regretted my choice. My sisters went to see him and while I can't say whether or not they regret it, I remember that they found it all quite unsettling. Because he just looked like he was asleep they expected him to wake up/ talk/ move or something.

Ds is 4 and i think i wouldn't let him (seeing a pet dead is very different to seeing a much loved person), though if he were older I might give him a choice.

I'm not sure if this helps. Flowers

SueGeneris · 22/04/2015 12:27

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I went to see my grandad laid out when I was 10 and still remember him just as he was when he was alive. I think it can be a good experience and may mean that deaths they encounter later in life are easier to handle, because they have already seen someone who has died and been part of the ritual around that.

That said, it may depend on how soon after death they see him. My other grandfather passed away when I was in my 30s and I went to see him but he was visibly different. It may have been because I am now grown up but he looked so much more like a dead body, whereas when I saw my grandad aged 10 to me he just looked asleep.

I am not sure about the funeral. As a principle I think it is good for children to be involved. But it may depend how you think they will cope and also whether it might make it difficult for you to say your goodbyes in the way you want to (if eg you are trying to keep them quiet).

Lonz · 22/04/2015 13:14

I'm sorry for your loss.
If you feel, and they feel, that they want to say goodbye, then by all means let them go. It will help them to understand, and give a bit of closure. But if you feel that you wont be able to handle everything going on plus them, then don't feel guilty not letting them go. You could do a little ceremony for them, throw flowers or letters into a stream or bury them.

My aunt passed when I was 10, went to her funeral but didn't see her. My mum kept me away from that. My nan passed last year, I went to her funeral, but didn't see her by choice. I think it would have unsettled me and I'm older now. I didn't take my son to the funeral because I felt that I couldn't have dealt with him whilst dealing with everything else.

VolumniaDedlock · 22/04/2015 13:16

personally I wouldn't
i saw my grandmother laid out - i was probably about 12. i wasn't traumatised, but i didn't find it a particularly pleasant or healing experience either.

my parents died when i was in my late teens, and i have never regretted not seeing their bodies after death.

MythicalKings · 22/04/2015 13:18

No way. They are far too young.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 22/04/2015 13:21

Have you asked them?

I physically ran from my Grandma's house the day after she died, because I misunderstood my uncle and though she was laid out there. I mean, proper bolted.

I was 21.

I don't think they will remember him as he was at the end. Memory is a funny thing. They'll remember the good times, the presence, more than the physical image, imo.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Stinkersmum · 22/04/2015 13:26

If it were me, no way. They're too young. I wouldn't have them at the funeral either. Only to the wake after. They're children. They've no need to witness dead bodies and funerals yet. I was very close to all my grandparents. I was 16 when the first one died. I had the opportunity to see all of them. I refused every time. Seeing the state of other people who had chosen to see the body afterwards just confirmed for me that nothing much is to be gained. Especially not at your children's ages.

123rd · 22/04/2015 13:30

I wouldn't let my kids see their g dad. But my kids don't know that's something that could happen. I think possibly let them go to the funeral. But that also depends on " the tone" for want of a better phrase. If it's a celebration of his life then yes. If there will be lots of adults that the DC normally see and they are upset it may be more distressing for your children.
Sorry for your loss

Almostfifty · 22/04/2015 13:36

Did they see him when he'd just died? Then I would, as he will look better now.

If not, I wouldn't.

Theas18 · 22/04/2015 13:37

Why are they too young? Nowt scary about the dead - it's the living you have to worry about ?? but then mums family were undertakers so it's normal. When my nan died I saw her thrn went and watched the coffins being made ( as a young teen) .

I would if they wanted to see him after talking things through. My only caution would be do it soon if not going for embalming etc.

Tmi for some so scroll down if you want ( not horrific but factual)

Mum died in February. when she left the house she was pale blue lipped and cool. I saw her the next day in the fridge at the undertakers " unprepared" she was fine too. When she was ready for the chapel of rest at a week I wouldn't have taken small children as her eyes had lost volume and age had quite a skeletal face.

glittertits · 22/04/2015 13:38

I don't think a dead body is a good visual memory for them - certainly not better than the living version of Grandad.

I was very much an adult the first time I saw a dead person, and for that I thank my parents.

Baddz · 22/04/2015 13:42

You know your chilen bet. But no, I wouldn't personally.
My dc were 4 and 10 when my dad died and I fekt they were far too young.
I would rather they remember him as he was.

Anotheronesoon · 22/04/2015 13:48

Only recently in my mid 30s I saw my grandad layed out and found it horrible. He wasn't embalmed and looked really "dead". Culturally we have to sit vigil for at least 24 hours but due to bank holiday it ended up being over 48hrs! My children are only babies but I wouldn't let them see a dead person until they were early teens I don't think. There is nothing nice about it and I would want to protect them from seeing something that could be upsetting. It took me a while to shake the image of him dead out my brain and it's not the way I want to remember him.

LIZS · 22/04/2015 13:54

I wouldn't but maybe you can ask them how they would like to say goodbye, maybe with a balloon or planting a shrub to flower at this time of year.

Hakluyt · 22/04/2015 13:54

It also depends on the "culture". When my fil died he was laid out at home and everyone came to pay their respects- including the children. If I had stopped mine they would have been left out of a very significant part of the process. With my mother it was different- the chapel of rest thing was not really part of our family's culture and nobody as far as I remember went to see her.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 22/04/2015 14:00

Ds came to the funerals of his great grand parents but didn't view their bodies.

Sorry for your loss x

Original poster
bensam · 22/04/2015 14:00

Thanks all for your quick and helpful replies. I've just had a message from an aunt who went to see him and she says it doesn't look like him so I've decided not to do it. I don't want to see him either if he's going to look weird. I'll talk to the dc's about the funeral. I think they'll be upset if they go but it might give them some sort of closure?

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 22/04/2015 14:01

Ds WENT (sorry, accent coming out in full force there!)

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 22/04/2015 14:05

I would talk to them about the funeral, yes, and if they want to go I'd take them. But do you have a friend who could go with you who could take one/both of them out if it gets a bit too much? I don't think you should be worrying about them during the service, and your DP should be concentrating on you, sort of thing, so a friend would be ideal.

AGirlCalledBoB · 22/04/2015 14:15

I personally wouldn't take my child. I went to my dad's funeral when I was 10 and I wish I hadn't. I did not understand why my dad was there, everyone was a wreck around me understandably and it just scared and upset me rather than give me closure. Based on that, I would rather protect my child from it.

Having said that, I recently went to a funeral and the atmosphere was a lot different and would have been less difficult for a child so it depends on the funeral and if your children can cope with people being upset around them.

Original poster
bensam · 22/04/2015 14:44

Thanks. Yes, I have a friend who'll be there and can take charge of dc's if it's too much for them. I will ask them though if they want to attend. I've got a feeling one will say yes and the other will say no!

OP posts:
caitlinohara · 22/04/2015 16:47

So sorry for your loss. I personally wouldn't have them either at the funeral or seeing the body and I think even asking them is a bit futile at this age since they are too young to really understand what it will mean or be like. When MIL died mine were the same age that yours are now and I got a friend to look after them for the funeral but had them at the wake. I didn't want them to be upset seeing so many close family members in bits, and I didn't want dh to have to modify his behaviour for their benefit as I felt he had a right to grieve for his mother. I also wouldn't have been able to support him and FIL as much if I had had the kids there to worry about. Hers was a sudden death quite young though, so I guess it depends on the exact situation - with an older family member where death was expected, perhaps the funeral would have been less traumatic for them. I was really glad they were at the wake, though, as it helped people to have something else to focus on.

Whatever decision you make, I hope it goes well for you. Make sure that you have plenty of photos for the children to look at of when he was well and remind them of who he was as a person in a positive way - not "oh wouldn't it be nice if Grandad were still with us" but "Grandad loved x didn't he? Do you remember when..." etc.

Swipe left for the next trending thread