Children going to see granddad's body

[bensam]

Hi. Please could you share your thoughts/experiences of young children going to see a family member's body and attending the funeral? Dds are 5 & 7. They were very close to their grandad who we nursed at home to the end on Sunday (died of pancreatic cancer so it's all happened a bit quick but have kept them informed throughout). I'm just not sure whether to take them to see him. I'd like them to have a better visual memory of him than what they saw when he died. Would welcome your thoughts. Thanks

I was coming on to say you should take them but i can see you have already decided not to.

For what its worth, my eldest DD died when she was aged 5. I took my then DD2 who was 3 at the time to see her body. It really helped her with understanding the finality of her death. She really got that it was her sister but it that it wasn't the sister she knew who was alive and vibrant.

I also let her come to the funeral. She and my niece who was 4 at the time were a breath of fresh air at such a sad event. Both still talk about it now at age 22 and 23 and i think it really helped them come to terms with what happened more easily than shielding them.

I absolutely understand that this is not for everyone but it really helped for us in dealing with my DD's understanding of what happened to her sister.

I didn't let my DC attend funerals when small. When I was 4 an aunt of my mother's died. The first part of the funeral was at the aunt's house with an open coffin. My mother said I, and a cousin who was just slightly older, should stay in the hall while that part of the funeral service was held. My cousin at one point made a noise and another aunt came out and dragged both of us in. She held me in front of her so I could not go out again. Luckily I was too short to see into the coffin. Lots of the adults were upset. The linen blinds were down and the sunlight was making the light in the room a strange colour. I still cannot be in a room with that sort of light.

I hope that whatever you decide about the funeral it does not spoil the memories of their grandfather. Certainly they should be at the family gathering afterwards so they can hear stories about what their grandfather did. If they don't go to the funeral you can encourage them to make a "Happy Memories" of grandfather book - write down things they did with him, let them draw pictures of them doing things together, and stick in copies of photographs you have.

I'm all for children attending funerals if they wish to, but I wouldn't let them view a dead body at such a young age. It is entirely possible that he won't look like the person they remember and it may confuse them. My husband saw his dad when he died in his 50's and my husband was in his late teens. He said that it was obvious that life was indeed extinct and that it didn't look like his dad at all. This is ok for an adult to process, but not so easy for a child.

I didn't see my grandparents and don't regret it at all. I have lots of lovely memories of them as significant people in my life. That's enough for me. I'm sure it will be more than enough for your children too.

I don't think I would take mine to view the body, but I would definitely take them to the funeral.

I'm so sorry for you loss

I personally wouldn't at their age. If they wanted to go to the funeral, then that's fine. I saw my gm when I was about 25, she didn't look the same, and I found it quite upsetting.

Sorry for your loss
I see you have already decided not to take them

My MIL died recently and we took our young children to see her in the mortuary and also to the cremation

I don't think they found it any more upsetting than her dying in the first place

Sorry for your loss.
My DC saw their great Nana in her coffin, they were 5 and 7 at the time. They were fine. They also saw me carrying her coffin and DS came up with me to stand by me when I did a reading at the funeral. But they had already been to a couple of funerals by then, I'm not sure if that made a difference. Plus it was the Irish side of my family and we are v good at doing funerals!

I saw my grandfather's body when I was 7. I was given the choice and chose to. However when it came to seeing him I was frightened and started wailing. Lots of relatives around thought it was grief... It was horror. I don't know how his death would have affected me if I hadn't seen his body, however.

When my mum died I felt very, very strongly that I did not want to see her body (though I was there when she died).