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Original poster

Am I a bad mum for returning to work?

31 replies

Rose138 · 19/04/2015 06:59

Hello everyone,

I started my maternity leave October 24th. My son was born 2 weeks late on the 26th November. I am a primary school teacher and will be returning to work this September.

I have asked to return part time but our head teacher is not very open to part time or job shares. I will be seeing her next week about her decision. I'm trying to be positive! Praying she will let me return part time.

I just feel such sadness at the thought of returning but I know I am very lucky as some women have to return after a shorter time than myself. My feelings are not helped though by my sister as she has my 2 year old nephew and hasn't worked at all over the past 2 years and there is no plan for her to look for work. She has been supported by her boyfriend for the past year. This just makes me feel like a bad mum that I'm going back to work.

The plan is for my mum to have my son and I appreciate this so much but yet feel quite a burden on her!

My husband and I have always worked so hard to pay everything and therefore have no debts, finance ect. I know this is a positive thing and I know that the reality is that two incomes are better than one and I wouldn't expect my husband to solely support us. I just don't want this to be at the cost of my son and I relationship. I don't want him to resent/forget me. Any help trying to pick my chin up from the floor would be much appreciated! Thank you.xxx

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Queazy · 19/04/2015 07:11

You're not a bad mum at all, and though I honestly didn't believe it at the time either, little ones settle into childcare very quickly and there are many benefits to it too. You also won't need to look for employment after a potentially long gap, which I know friends have found challenging. I dreaded it and still miss dd but it honestly, honestly wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, and dd loves her little friends at the childminder.

fredfredsausagehead1 · 19/04/2015 07:13

You sound like a lovely Mum, you're obviously torn in two at the moment but loads of women do it, do not compare yourself to your sister!

BeaufortBelle · 19/04/2015 07:20

I am sorry you feel sad. Can you keep it to being objective? You have identified that you need the money and have to return and presumably knew that when you got pregnant.

The head is obliged to consider your flexible working request but can decline if there are genuine business reasons. If it's declined can you get a different reaching job part time?

You have your mum for childcare which is a massive bonus. You will be keeping your skills up to date and remain employable which is important and you will maintain some independence financially. Your son will be absolutely fine and will certainly not forget you or suffer.

Your sister is dealing with her own life and her circumstances may change but they aren't now and never will be relevant to yours.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2 year olds Families General parenting

confusedandemployed · 19/04/2015 07:23

I would have been a worse mum had I not gone back to work. SAH parenting doesn't suit everyone.

Figster · 19/04/2015 07:27

Absolutely not I couldn't have not worked. I genuinely believe my child is better for me working our standard of living is better (I couldn't be "kept" by my husband or the state because I chose not to) and he's better socialised for it. I'm also my own person not just "mummy".

I know where you are coming from though I didn't want to go back to work when it came but it soon becomes the new norm.

YonicScrewdriver · 19/04/2015 07:27

No, you are not a bad mum. Go back and see how it goes. You can always look for part time work elsewhere if you decide that's what you'd like.

Nectarines · 19/04/2015 07:28

I've been in your position, also a teacher returned to work after maternity leave.

I can honestly say that the thought of returning to work was significantly worse than the reality of going back.

I ruined the last weeks of maternity stressing about it but it was totally fine. LO settled easily into her new routine and we are happy! The holidays definitely help too!

Honestly, it won't be as bad as you think and you are not doing your baby and disservice at all.

Don't let it spoil your remaining leave!

hopelesslydevotedtoGu · 19/04/2015 07:30

You are a good mum who evidently cares for her child. Few of us can make decisions without considering finances and practicalities.

Having a good teaching career may be a benefit when your son is older, as presumably you will get to spend school holidays with him, and as your finances are good you or your husband could take some some unpaid leave when he is older. We focus on the early years so much, but actually older kids and teenagers benefit from family time too, so having a stable career and good finances could put you in a better position for then.

As you are returning to work, the important thing is to find good childcare, and having his grandma care for him is fantastic.

LIG1979 · 19/04/2015 07:31

No you are not a bad mum. I found it tough to return to work but once I did the reality was not as bad as I thought it would be. I did also find that dd and I had more quality time as I really made the most of our time together.

I am not a teacher but know quite a few that are and they all seem to have been able to go part time quite easily so your head may have difficulty saying no to a request. One thing my dsis did was get all her non - contact time into two afternoons and then would do the work in the evenings etc. I also know another teacher that has done 4 days of teaching in 3 by loosing this non - contact time during the day. Is this a possible compromise?

MelonBallersAreStrange · 19/04/2015 07:33

There are lots of excellent arguments both for and against being a SAHM or WOHM. There is no "right" answer. There is only what works best for you and your family.

Your DS needs a happy mother.

Personally, I cannot be a fully SAHM. It messes with my head. Some other people are different, like your sister. It would make me unhappy, I would be a worse mum and a worse person. That's the situation for me and my family.

feel like a bad mum that I'm going back to work.
There are a million arguments I could make against this. I'll give you just one: your DS might be less likely to grow up with 1950s attitudes to women because he won't be seeing the man win bread, woman scrub house model every day in his own home.

People are very very sensitive about their choice to be SAHM or not (or the fact that they don't have a choice, if that's their situation). Your sister will probably feel uncomfortable that you made a different decision from her. She might try to justify her own choices by putting yours down and you might feel the urge to justify your choices by putting down hers.

Nolim · 19/04/2015 07:33

You are nota bad mum for doing what is best for your family. Do you enjoy your work? Working is a sanity saver imo.

Christelle2207 · 19/04/2015 07:42

Just to echo what others have said going back to work really is not nearly as bad as the thought of it. I work 4 days and appreciate my son all the more now I see him less than I did on ml. He also spends 2 dpw at nursery and 2 at grandparents and really benefits from those relationships. I don't think returning to work makes you a less good mum in any way at all, you will be helping provide for DC's future. I know a few part time mums but don't know any who gave up work completely.

LuckyAugust · 19/04/2015 09:29

You sound like a lovely mum and I really hope your workplace will accomodate the hours you wish to do. I was really lucky after birth of DS1 because I had such a fab boss who let me go back on the hours and days I wanted so dropping to part time wasn't an issue. I still felt guilty about going back at all though. How times change, DS3 is 12 weeks tomorrow and after a particularly trying few days I did actually feel a sense of relief about going back to work in October ! I love my kids but I also love my job. Thinking about me getting excited about going back to work though made me and my husband laugh last night because I was in tears pretty much every night for weeks before going back after birth of DS1. Think I get more of a rest at work than I do at home!

Imeg · 19/04/2015 10:39

I would just add that you might feel differently in September - I felt very ambivalent about going back to work at 6 months or so but by 12 months baby was more of a toddler and much harder work so the thought of being at home full time was quite scary!

What about supply teaching if you can't compromise with your head?

lexyloub · 19/04/2015 10:56

Definitely not a bad mum at all. There's no right or wrong time to return to work it's whatever suits you. If you feel it might be too much for your Mum of she needs to have baby full time (assuming you don't get part time ) consider putting ds in nursery or a child minder 1 or 2 days a week.

squizita · 19/04/2015 11:20

No. MN is very polarised about this and might not be the best place at times (eg especially AIBU).

The truth is mums have always worked. Provided the child is well looked after by a top notch nanny, childminder or nursery and they get lots of love evenings/weekends they will be fine. No one mentions on MN that in some cases SAHP are not spending time caring etc and aren't always the holy grail of parenting (disclaimer: of course the vast majority are great - I'm a SAHM at the moment - just making the point SAHP doesn't mean better, it's what you do when you're there that counts).

I'm going to say something you hear a lot in RL but not here: my mum worked. I had excellent childcare. I didn't feel sad etc during childhood and admired my mum (an early years teacher) for having a cool job.

squizita · 19/04/2015 11:24

BTW when I go back to work, it will be back into work in school. A wonderful sector in terms of spending time with kids, knowing what you need to get them ahead in education/careers etc. Even just knowing the latest fads!
Plus they will see work as something you do for society not just for a wage.

Original poster

Rose138 · 19/04/2015 11:30

Thank you all so much!
You've definitely made me feel more positively about returning to work.
My sister has the opinion that my son will feel abandonment from me so this is why I've been struggling but all of your lovely and helpful comments have made me look at it completely differently so thank you all so so much! Xxx

OP posts:

Nolim · 19/04/2015 12:38

My sister has the opinion that my son will feel abandonment from me

Wow.

There will be some separation anxiety which us normal but a baby that is well looked after will be perfectly fine.

My mum worked, my grandma looked after me and i love them both. I have had a happy life. :)

nutmegandginger · 19/04/2015 14:02

I think your sister is really out of line saying that, but I wonder if she is saying that to justify her own choice and perhaps there is some insecurity there which means she has to criticise you. Being a SAHM is a totally valid choice but so is going back to work, and I don't believe that one is better than the other or automatically leads to happier children.

I'm in a similar position to you as I will be going back to work in Sep when my baby is 10 months old. I'm not looking forward to it at the moment, but I also think I will probably feel differently when it happens and it will be the best choice for our family.

A positive of what you're doing is that your baby will have such a close relationship with his grandmother, and that will be lovely for both of them.

My mum went back to work when I was 12 weeks old (normal in the country we were living in at the time). We have always been really close and I never felt abandoned.

BikeRunSki · 19/04/2015 15:42

I would have been a worse mum had I not gone back to work. SAH parenting doesn't suit everyone.

This

Levismum · 19/04/2015 15:49

After my dc I had no choice but go back to work full time. She was in nursery from 8 am until 6 pm.

I was in States. No family. No benefits. Exdh also worked full time. Dd is now 23 & fine!

I have always worked 6 dc in total. I've never taken a year off with any of them!

gamerwidow · 19/04/2015 16:43

I found it hard to return to work too and the thought of only seeing dd for a few hours a day on my three working days was devastating. The reality was that we all adjusted and she has a lovely bond with her childminder and the other mindees and I surprisingly really enjoyed being at work.

Pico2 · 19/04/2015 17:03

I would have been a hopeless and potentially depressed SAHM. DD1 is super energetic and her nursery is very well placed to keep her engaged all day.

My only concern for your circumstances is whether your mother can cope with looking after your DS as much as you may need. But you know her, I don't. My parents have friends who do a lot of childcare and some do struggle to cope.

As a parent, I am very strongly in favour of PT working for teachers. In a job share, you get the best of the teachers as they are fresher and probably have proportionally more time to devote beyond the classroom than a FT teacher (though I wouldn't demand/expect this). Each teacher can teach to their strengths e.g. Music or science. They will have twice as many ideas. Your child has twice the opportunity to gel with a teacher or may find one easier to learn from. If one leaves, goes on maternity leave or is on long term sick leave there is some continuity with the other one.

In parenting, I think that people often criticise others' choices to convince themselves that they have made the right choice. So it stems from insecurity. Or your SIL may be envious of the free childcare.

NakedBaby · 19/04/2015 18:42

I went back to work when DC were 12 m.o. ..... and then did a stint of SAHM when they were preteens.

It worked for us.

We were financially more stable by that point. Plus - oddly - DC had much more complex needs by then. The toddlers were quite happy with their carer - but as preteens it was all hobbies and friendship issues - and they didn't really like after school club.

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