Am I a bad mum for returning to work?

[Rose138]

Hello everyone,

I started my maternity leave October 24th. My son was born 2 weeks late on the 26th November. I am a primary school teacher and will be returning to work this September.

I have asked to return part time but our head teacher is not very open to part time or job shares. I will be seeing her next week about her decision. I'm trying to be positive! Praying she will let me return part time.

I just feel such sadness at the thought of returning but I know I am very lucky as some women have to return after a shorter time than myself. My feelings are not helped though by my sister as she has my 2 year old nephew and hasn't worked at all over the past 2 years and there is no plan for her to look for work. She has been supported by her boyfriend for the past year. This just makes me feel like a bad mum that I'm going back to work.

The plan is for my mum to have my son and I appreciate this so much but yet feel quite a burden on her!

My husband and I have always worked so hard to pay everything and therefore have no debts, finance ect. I know this is a positive thing and I know that the reality is that two incomes are better than one and I wouldn't expect my husband to solely support us. I just don't want this to be at the cost of my son and I relationship. I don't want him to resent/forget me. Any help trying to pick my chin up from the floor would be much appreciated! Thank you.xxx

In the nicest possible way .......don't be daft! Stop beating yourself up about it. Your child will settle into nursery and maybe by Sept you'll be glad to get back to your previous employment (babies are quite interesting but it can get a tad monotonous!). Don't beat yourself up about abandonment nonsense, my sons love nursery, I love having my job, my own money, my own sense of independence and self worth - that makes me a much better mum.

Of course being a SAHM suits some people and if you really don't like being at work you can always think about stopping in the future but don't get all guilt ridden now. Enjoy your mat leave & stop worrying

I think I'd be spending a little less time with your sister if that's what she said. You don't need someone making you feel bad for doing what's best for your family. But as someone else said, maybe she is just trying to justify her own decision,or she thought you would both be at home together and she has lost her company. Whatever it is, its her issue, not yours.

OP - I went back to work when DD was 11mo (now 20mo) as it was the right decision for our family. DD is very confident and well-socialised as a result of her spending time with other people - but she still adores her Mummy and we have a great time together. As PP's have said - it's how you spend the time you have together that matters. You sound like a great Mum.

Thank you all!

I still feel horrible at the thought of leaving my beautiful boy but for now I'm going to enjoy our time together of my maternity leave. You've all made me see the importance of keeping my career, how my son will respect me for this and it will enable us to have a comfortable life- so thank you all so much.xxx

First of all you are not a bad mum. Not at all!

I am just about to start work for the day having dropped 19 month old DS at nursery and whilst I was torn going back to work last summer for our family it works and I am a more balanced better mum than I think I would be as a SAHM.

Also, it may be hard to imagine but your DS will be very different at 9 mo when you go back in September from how he is at just under 5 mo. FWIW we have a cleaner which means that we have more time to spend on family time at the weekends.

You sound like a lovely mum! As hard as it is, try not to compare your parenting choices to those made by other people, even your sister. That way lies unnecessary anxiety.

You say you feel quite a burden on your mum taking on the childcare. How does she feel about it? Have you considered sending your DS to nursery or a childminder 1 or 2 days a week? Whilst different things suit different children our experience has been that nursery is hugely beneficial for our very sociable DS

Focus on enjoying the rest of your mat leave but if you have any friends in RL in a similar situation you may find it helpful to speak to them and even more so those with with older babies or toddlers who have recently gone back to work. You will hopefully feel reassured by hearing about their experiences.

On my second week back after a year off and felt as you do. Something that has helped hugely was realising that in the future I would absolutely advise DD not to give up her career or financial independence. And the other ladies are right, the reality is nowhere near as bad as you are imagining. You are a great mum, and going to work will not change that.