is it possible... to do it all??

[missabc123]

hey all

some people seem to just fly by with parenting, life, everything...

e.g. always having a perfectly clean tidy house, toddler who eats their greens, they always look perfectly turned out, super organised etc etc

i'm a single parent of a toddler and try sooooo hard to stay on top of housework, my own self employed work, dressing well etc but something always gives and it defeats me how some people seem to maintain a perfect equilibrium of doing everything so well at all times!

I try a bit at a time every day; never seem to stop! despite this and making big life changes I still can't quite grasp how some people manage to keep a perfect house and always look great etc.

Other people make out they are the perfect parents and have the world's best kids that only eat organic home cooked food every day - and have all the patience in the world with the LOs.

So, I might be a perfectionist, but really - some people seem to manage it all - how???

Some people think we have it all, two kids, both work full time, we have good solid childcare, but one in school and one at nursery it's a balancing act. We have zero family help, no cleaner, we do get the shopping delivered and everything is on a list/rota or it goes to pot.

What I will say is it takes great organisation and is tiring, up at 6am and don't sit down to eat til about 8.30pm at night, we keep on top of the cleaning each day as we go, well each evening after kids in bed. We aim to have a big clean once a week, and we are clutter free.

A sickness, a day were we are late, a change of plans - it goes tits up!!

But when it does we try not to be too hard on ourselves

Oh and I never look great, kids do though!!

decluttering helps for sure.

routine is everything from what I can tell so far!! I think as a lone parent it's the unexpected things that throw me out of balance, like you say iamusually, - e.g. a day of sickness, an extra work project etc. etc...

i'm trying so hard to find the perfect routine as a lone parent. streamlining everything....

toddler destroying the house on an hourly basis doesn't help. I think i need to cut back on his toys...

also exercise is the one thing I never seem to have time for; that would help a lot; for some reason it's always bottom of the list of things to do even though I am desperate to do it! Something more important always crops up. I have tried to get it into my own routine but failing to date. Maybe easier in a few months when LO is older it will be easier.

Also maybe in pursuit of "perfection" we are missing out on other important life stuff. E.g having a chill out afternoon rather than running around tidying is sometimes much more important.

I take my hat off to you, a friend is in similar position to you and I don't know how I would cope on my own, I just realised the other day i couldn't remember the last time I just did something for me without thinking of three other people first, as a single mum you never get a break at all from that

Have you got a toy chest/box, we just got one from ikea, at the end of each day everything gets slung in it, as soon as it's away I feel tension release ha!!

I treat the mad rush clean up each night like a work out, quicker I do it, more out of breathe I am - does this count as exercise?!

Other people make out they are the perfect parents and have the world's best kids that only eat organic home cooked food every day - and have all the patience in the world with the LOs.

Do they really? Really? Really? In real life? Actual other parents you know? If so, get new mates, these people are lying delusional loons.

Can I quietly suggest that maybe this is all in your head?

Perhaps you have some kind of mad idea that it should be possible to have it all and you interpret other people's one-off successes as continuous repeatable behaviours.

Penelope might tell you that Jocasta loved her organic asparagus and stilton frittata. She might tell you that she likes to eat home cooked organic food. Doesn't mean every meal is like that.

Lower your standards before you go mad. Decide what you actually care about. Do that stuff properly. Let the rest slide and never apologise for it.

Mine also eat alot of baked beans, that's kids for you, I tend to slow cook stuff each day do they at least have a cooked meal each night but the nights were it's a mad rush and I plate up beans on toast - these are the nights the plate is emptied without cajoling

Nobody can do it all and you shouldn't beat yourself up about it. I recently asked friends who have 3 kids how they keep the house so clean and they admitted they just rush round tidying before anyone visits.
Since I went back to work recently after mat leave we've realised we can either have a nice weekend where we go out somewhere/bake/have a rest or we can clean the house. We kind of alternate. When DD is older I'd prefer her to remember a fun childhood with days out rather than a spotless house and grumpy parents!

I'm a new mum (2 weeks) and am struggling along but earlier in the week dh and I went out so I made time to get showered dressed etc. (everything else went to hell that morning). dh took a picture of me looking all done up and posted on fb (because it was a good photo and he is proud; not to be a show off) and loads of people have posted how well I look how well i'm coping and how 'together' I am with it all.

I assure you: I am not! Mostly i'm braless and 'leaking' and struggling to breast feed and trying to eat on the couch and a bit teary because I donmt understand why my LO is upset etc etc.

Like pp said - these are snapshots in time! You are doing great!

Melon - you are right I am probably overthinking and lacking in self worth. I think I'm a bit riled. One of my mates just went on and on about how she only uses organic baby creams; her LO eats everything; laid into me about how I bring up my LO (cornered me telling me to sort it out and go and do yoga, drink less (I don't drink that much!) etc); what parenting methods to use, what parenting books to read etc, how to appropriately discipline my toddler, but in a seriously patronising manner. Was an awful weekend!

I'm constantly doing my best though and if that means sometimes slipping up and doing beans on toast, so be it. I'm a single parent which is damn hard work at times, and doing pretty well.

Iam - might well do the slow cooker thing! Never tried before but sounds like a good idea. Been thinking about it for a while...

You can do ANYTHING in one, not just stews, baked potatoes, whole chickens, etc, even baked beans if you wish ha

m33r - good on you - found the baby stage soooooo hard, gets a bit easier every month and if I compare now to then it's a breeze (although it's not exactly a breeze). Don't believe anyone who says it doesn't get any easier, it does!!!

I think relaxation is key for a lot of it. You can either try to be perfect and get stressed out when it doesn't work out like that, or do your best and tolerate it being less than perfect in a chilled manner.

Mess stresses me out no end but I am learning to live with it a bit better. You can't do everything with a toddler in tow. I clean regularly several times a day but I don't think there's such a thing as being constantly sorted; unless you have a live in cleaner!!

Iam - wow - slow cooking sounds great; it's at night that I can't be bothered to cook so much, so maybe sticking it on in the morning is key!!

any brand you recommend?

I have no idea what mine is, it's black and cost about £20, you have to cheat, so we do a chilli or a veggie curry in it, prep it before bed, never bother browning meat etc, put I fridge overnight and in the morning stick it on low, get home to a chilli or veggie curry ready, and a sachet of those rice 2 minute microwave things, job done - good for hiding veg for fussy kids too!

I was a single parent for a long time and before my health went downhill I was working fulltime, dropping dd at nursery at 8am, picking her up at 6pm and then the race to get her fed and bathed before she fell asleep, then trying to get washing done etc. I had zero time for me, I was permanently knackered and broke. Weekends were spent catching up with food shopping and housework and trying to spend time with dd doing something like the park.

Organic home cooked food? Not a chance. I used to send her to nursery with a decent lunch but evenings were something quick. No slow cookers then or online shopping so I just muddled through.

And she's a perfectly healthy bright 16 year old now who hasn't suffered from her mum's haphazard approach to her early years.

Do the essentials and squeeze in stuff when you can but the world will not fall apart if you have dust on the window ledge for a week or the kids have egg, chips and beans.

I agree wIth melon. Sometimes I cook 3 organic veg with roast potatoes and chicken, but only because you can get organic veg delivered in a box so you dont even have to go to the shops and choose it. My house is a tip and lost sight of teenager bedroom floor weeks ago. As single parent self employed I take my hat off to you, do what you can, clean one room per week, get toddler to 'help' if poss making it into a game, as ime its very difficult to get them to start helping later on.

butterfly - thanks; encouraging support...My health has already suffered due to trying to do too much juggling self employment with a toddler and running a household. I suffer from stress-related issues so have HAD to cut back on stuff or I drive myself insane.

And you are right I can't beat myself up about giving him chips and pizza every so often! One of the worst things is feeding a seriously fussy toddler. Drives me up the wall!!

thanks Fast, def will try to get toddler to help clean. He's resistant already but has to at nursery when he's there a couple of days a week so must get him to help here...!! (If you call it "helping"!). Asked him to take teatowels into kitchen and he decided to put them over his head instead. But it made me laugh....

Op, your so called mate is using your vulnerability to point score and make herself look good at your expense. This is not real friends do, they support each other. Is your mate also a single parent?
After having 4dcs myself, 2 of which I brought up alone, I can tell you there is no such thing as a perfect parent. It is all a boast. The majority of people muddle along. A lot of how you parent depends on the individual child. Not all children respond to specific techniques. You have to find the one, mainly through trial and error, that suits each individual child.
Take no notice of your 'mate' and her condescending tone. Be proud that you are raising a child alone whilst also working and doing the best you can.

Ah you're doing great! DH and I have 2 young ones, both work full time, have a full time housekeeper and we still don't feed our kids organic veg.
Take comfort in the fact that my 3 year old has eaten 3 Weetabix for dinner every night for about 18months. Every so often interspersed with spaghetti bolognese, chips, broccoli, and salmon. But most of the time it's weetabix... i decided to pick my battles!
And my house is currently a tip with toys everywhere so i'll be bribing ds1 to tidy up with a lollipop shortly.
I subscribe to the bribery and battle picking parenting style
Take heart, and tell your douche of a friend to get bent.

I would say just don't care what other people think and don't worry about trying to do it all. If you have happy kids and you are chilled and fun, who cares about a bit of dust.
My housework has taken a back seat this weekend. But we did build a swing, go to the park and climb trees. (I'd much rather be outside!) I do admit to doing a speed clean ten mins before anyone comes round though.

No one is perfect all the time, or even close. It's all about perspective.

A friend told me recently that she really resented when our DCs were toddlers (I had no idea) because she thought I was the 'perfect' mother.

At the time I was still in a haze of sleep deprivation and was mostly just hanging by a thread emotionally.

I'm a 'cheerfully getting on with it' type person and don't chat much about my inner feelings other than to my DH so she had no idea and just saw smiley, relaxed mother of well behaved twins who did baking and art projects and lots of activities and also had a pretty tidy house.

The baking, art, and activities were because my DS was (and is) incredibly energetic and needed to be worn out by the end of the day otherwise he wouldn't sleep.

The tidy house was because I'd stay up until 2 cleaning it just in order to have some time awake where no one was demanding anything of me.

She saw 'perfect' marriage during what was for us a hard time as we were so exhausted (although we do have a strong relationship generally).

So while it is true that some people deal with work and kids and housework better than others (mostly by being highly organised and good at prioritisation) you still never know what is going on inside their lives.

In terms of practical help, we run our lives by diaries and lists. We meal plan, use a slow cooker and online shop. We both work full time but manage without a cleaner as we both (and the kids!) pitch in. We also prioritise well, sometimes it's important that the house is tidy, sometimes it's not!

Your so-called mate is a tit.

Rule 1 of parenting: Never preach to anyone about how to raise their child.

in RL, perfectly OK on MN

It is perfectly OK to say "You do what suits your family, I'll do what suits mine." Then refuse to engage further. Talk about Zane leaving 1D or something instead. She's treating you like an idiot child, don't stand for it, especially if it is because you is a single parent.

My mates are all quite sweary so we'd preface that with a good swear so it would probably be outraged laughter followed by "Fuck off! Look, you do what works for your family and I'll do what works for mine. You cheeky mare!"

I expect they have staff (cleaner, nanny, husband , whatever), and a job (ie a break!!)

Seriously, nobody is that perfect on their own. Give yourself a break. You sound like you're doing more than great.

slipping up and doing beans on toast,

Beans on toast is a motherhood fail? Shit, we are all fucked.

I have 3 DC, after a long day we think nothing of having a cheese sandwich or even a bowl of weetabix for dinner. Not every night but it is not at all uncommon round here.

My friends tease me about being a super mum. I am. And still many nights we have ham sandwich and a banana followed by going to bed without a bath in a messy room and the kitchen floor would horrify MIL. Don't tell anyone, but sometimes I have to pick mouldy bits off the bread. Teeth are always brushed and tiny ones always had a story even if it was Dear Zoo read at high speed because teeth and story are two of my big important things.

Beans on toast is not a sign of you failing at motherhood, OK?

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