is it possible... to do it all??

[missabc123]

hey all

some people seem to just fly by with parenting, life, everything...

e.g. always having a perfectly clean tidy house, toddler who eats their greens, they always look perfectly turned out, super organised etc etc

i'm a single parent of a toddler and try sooooo hard to stay on top of housework, my own self employed work, dressing well etc but something always gives and it defeats me how some people seem to maintain a perfect equilibrium of doing everything so well at all times!

I try a bit at a time every day; never seem to stop! despite this and making big life changes I still can't quite grasp how some people manage to keep a perfect house and always look great etc.

Other people make out they are the perfect parents and have the world's best kids that only eat organic home cooked food every day - and have all the patience in the world with the LOs.

So, I might be a perfectionist, but really - some people seem to manage it all - how???

My DCs eat in front of the TV once or twice a week.
We only eat as a family twice per week.
They have school dinners for lunch, and mostly just sandwiches, egg, beans, jacket etc for tea in the week.
On weekdays they spend most of the time they aren't in school/clubs, playing minecraft and watching TV.
They don't bath every day.
They seem to be surviving.
HTH

Plus I have a cleaner.

hey all thanks for the honesty and insight...!

I think a big reason I want to do better is the toddler not eating much healthy stuff. He eats a few veg, and the rest of the time cereals, pasta bread, dairy, chips etc!! (we are veggie). I feel bad about the fact I can't get him to eat nutritious food a lot of the time. Not because I don't hard to get him to eat it though!! And yes sometimes we do cereal for dinner too. :).

I also have so little time quite often he does sit around watching Peppa pig or whatever!! It gives me time I need to clean / cook / do my own work or get a bit of my sanity back.

But we do fun stuff too - parks, museums, walks, reading books etc. I do sometimes worry that I'm not "hands on" enough with him e.g. doing activities all the time. We do some, but finding time often hard.

I guess as a single working parent it's harder to have that real me and him time around everything else I have to do. His dad plays with him a lot.

I do try bloomin hard. The ex is useless and doesn't contribute any ££ and little practical support (depressed, unemployed, long term illness, completely unreliable etc). Makes my life much more burdensome with his issues too.

All that said, DS is doing well - talking basic fluent English at just over 2. Seems happy most of the time, well behaved etc so I must be doing ok.

My own perfectionist standards seem to have dropped a bit over the last few months but my mental health has improved so that can only be good!

If your child is happy and well behaved you can't be doing very much wrong!

Toddlers can be fussy, keep trying they mostly get past it as they get older. Meanwhile you can hide a lot of veg in a 'tomato' pasta sauce.

Look after yourself too, that's more important than whether he sees the odd DVD!

Nobody is perfect. Most of us do some things well, some things ok and some things badly. I'm a bit rubbish at keeping my house tidy, and I could be more spontaneous and creative with things I do with my kids. But I think I do pretty well in other ways. I look at what my kids are like and think I must have done a reasonable job so far!

i think i read too many lifestyle blogs too - you know - healthy eating, minimalism, everything in life being fabulous etc. sets you up for failure when you fail to achieve these things...a bit like trying to make your life like a picture perfect magazine.

and too much self help (books etc) !!! I think it has a time and a place but if you're always trying to better yourself you probably don't have time to appreciate the good things about your life.

Some people have Staff

God I wish I did - but I tried a cleaner for about two sessions; got frustrated with having to let the place get dirty between times she came and chucked it in.

An aupair would be lovely though! (at least in my head - not sure about the reality).

People tell you the good and gloss over the bad.

My toddler slept until 7 this morning ...they didn't go to sleep until 3am
they eat all their vegetables ... because I have given up putting more than 2 peas and a carrot stick on the plate.
they tidied up their room without supervision because I threatened to throw out all their toys.
they can count to 10 I know this because they were counting how may pound coins they could post through the floorboards.
we did creative play all day all over the walls - they daubed I cleaned
they have created their own science experiment - under the bed with dirty washing and half eaten food.

totally true unescorted! if only people were a bit more honest about parenting.

before I had a kid I didn't know anyone with any so had no experience. From urban myths and others' creative editing of their experiences, and my own naivete, thought it would mostly be joy and rainbows with a few hard bits in between. I had a horrific birth, EMCS and PND topped off with an abusive ex on top of a screaming baby in a falling apart flat that should have been condemned. I didn't enjoy the first year; the second was a bit easier; now am feeling a lot better. Finally feel like am bonding more with DS.

I'm in awe of those who manage to have supreme patience with their kids. I'm not the patient type. Having a young baby drove me insane. I did my best though. Getting more fun every day.

That said I try to be upfront about how I find it really hard. Maybe a bit of creative editing with other mums who piss me off though!!

Echo everyone else especially pp re your 'friend'. She's a cow.

Give yourself a break op.

All I'll say is it gets a LOT easier once they're past the toddler stage OP. I'm a LP, work, studying for a degree and in the process of setting up a business. It is bloody hard work and standards have been well and truly lowered. The house isn't as tidy as I'd like it, I don't cook from scratch as often as I should and DS gets far too much screen time as I have exams coming up. Hey ho, we all just do what we have to to stay sane get by.
Have to say though, the toddler stage drove me insane, I had a compulsive cupboard/drawer emptier who took stuff out faster than I could put it in. I try to look on the bright side, that stage of my life taught me zen like patience I never knew I had.

thanks for the encouragement peeps!

bohemian I am so pleased to hear you say it gets easier. could not abide baby stage for the hands-on-ness; toddler stage enjoyable-ish bar the constant mess and running around. Good and bad days. I currently have museli all over the living room. It's all we have eaten today! Can't bring myself to deal with it just yet. Also have a stack of work to do before tomorrow. Virtually impossible with DS harassing me (and my newfound MN addiction).

I think I am discovering my right to be lazy after two years of hardcore stress and over-aiming. Perfect is not possible! Perfection is relative.(Easier if you have staff and buckets of cash!).

Congrats on setting up your business and doing your degree on top of being LP; impressive stuff! Wish you the best in both.

What ongoing help are you getting with your mh? It sounds to me like you are still recovering from pnd... The 3x per day cleaning up sessions and not being able to bear the house being messy in between the cleaner coming strikes me that you are using cleaning as a way of controlling one aspect of the world around you. If you were able to let go of that a bit it would give you more time and energy and headspace to spend with your dc, which sounds like it might be more fulfilling.

Thanks missabc. It might all sound impressive, in reality I am constantly knackered and have a lot of family help. However, like you the baby stage nearly broke me, non-sleeping reflux screamer. 3 whole years before I had a full nights sleep. It was getting through that that gave me my ' I can do anything attitude' and I can honestly say nothing is as hard as those first 2/3 years were. I also never compare myself to others or pay much attention to others opinions.
You sound like you're doing great .

i'm so pleased to hear it gets even easier, bohemian! I thought it had plateaud off at this age... :) i'm still getting woken at least once a night and then early early in the morning. no good at getting to bed early either. sleep deprivation is the pits. only just starting to feel more human!!

guyropes - am actually waiting for MH help at present (in the system awaiting support); didn't really get any PND support throughout the last couple of years (v short amount of therapy). Probably should have tbh. the cleaning is really just bits of topping up through the day to ensure chaos doesn't take over too much...!

but I did go a bit mad decluttering; mess does drive me insane and over the last year or so I had so much baby junk to get rid of and several years of other stuff, once I got rid of it I felt soooo much better. With a young child about chaos happens in an instant so it was really important to me to try to stem it through the decluttering (really helped).

Also I've been trying to instill good habits in myself re. cleaning; as a single parent who works from home it's pretty important to me to have a decent environment (as mcuh as you can with a toddler). I think clearer when it's clean (terrible work procrastinator so keeping on top gives me less excuses not to work). I am relaxing a bit on it all though, hence museli covered carpet most of the day today!

Yea, I like the sound of occasional muesli explosion!

Being self employed definately compounds things.

I'm sorry to hear that support you are asking for is slow in the pipeline.. Hope you get help that you want soon

I also agree that having children is way better than having babies/ toddlers. I love being a mum to my big girls now... Not that they were that demanding, but I was quite unsupported and it was all relentless..

You sound like you're managing really well... Just keep doing what you're doing and hopefully the mh support will help you build up your self esteem, so that what other people say/think doesn't matter, cos you know you are doing a great job.

Hi op I have a friend a bit like yours. I think she is insecure so every time I see her she points out my "faults" while telling me about her great life. It took dp pointing it out to me to realise that she does it every time we met up!

I was brought up by a single mother who worked full time. I'm sure my mum was exhausted and I know she was really at struggling for cash but it was obvious that she loved us and was doing the absolute best for us.

We didn't have organic food actually we mostly had frozen food from iceland but it was as healthy as she could get. She took short cuts with cooking using jar sauces and so on.

She made sure weekends and time off was spent at museums, parks and anywhere else that was free and fun. We went to the library a lot too. It breaks my heart thinking back to her working so hard for us.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is "doing it all" always sounds to me like mothers are expected to have a full time job outside the home, while running the home as if they are a sahp. It's physically impossible and ridiculous to try. Worry less about cleaning and organic, more about making sure you spend good quality time with your children, including lazy days where you all get a chance to relax and unwind. And if possible get a break out on your own for a bit so you can relax. Ignore your friend she is definitely insecure and needs a book to tell her how to bring up her children.

booboo - thanks so much! :) what you have said means a lot to me. Sounds like you had a mum who really cared and did her very best. Most mums do, whatever their situation!

it's strange that when you have a child some people really start to judge you...(at least some of the people I know! Even people you meet in the street can think it's their place to tell you what to do with your baby / child!!).

it just seems that they will judge you over what you feed your child (be it healthy or not); when the child is reaching milestones; how tidy you keep your house etc. Basically whatever you do people will look for faults - e.g. if you're relaxed about it it's wrong and if you're trying to stay on the ball and do things the right way there will be something wrong about it too!! You can't win.

It's often people that don't have kids that seem to do a lot of judging too. Particularly if they are not single parents and don't have a clue how hard it is being a working single mother.

I guess that's why it's important to just do what you feel is right; and whatever that is it's your best! I probably need to toughen up a bit on that; the little one is still young so in a couple of years I probably won't give two hoots! As one of the people earlier in the convo said you need to say "you do what's best for yours and I will do what's best for mine". Love that attitude!

I'm trying hard to balance the cleaning / work thing with more quality time with the little one but should probably do that a bit more. Getting easier as he gets older. I think I'm not really a baby person and found it soooo hard being stuck with a baby who can't communicate in the early days - it's mostly a one way relationship (with a few good bits in between) so cleaning and work was a bit of a release from that. I am enjoying this age so much more (still hard work). I think will love it even more when he's a bit older. Am bonding much more now.

I'm also realising the importance of the good things in life. I don't want to get sucked into work work work all the time and am trying to balance my lifestyle a bit. All these convos really help.

Thanks again Booboo

PS we never eat organic; wish I could afford it but out of the question!