Advice needed from mums who have 3 kids!

[Barmymummy]

I am happily married to my lovely hubby and am blessed with two beautiful kids, DD (4) & DS (16 mths).
However! I would just LOVE a 3rd child. DH not overly sure about it and all my family & friends think I must be mad to want 3 kids when I have one of each already.
Guess what I am after is advice from mums who have gone from 2 to 3 kids on the pros & cons!
Am I indeed mad wanting another one?

ive got 2 (first almost 2 years and second 5 months)

im happy for the moment, i think everything works well with two, time, travelling, attention ect

but although im happy at the moment, and have no plans whatsoever to have a 3rd, i may one day

kitty

For holidays, we usually rent a cottage in Cornwall for a fortnight. This year, we went to majorca with Thomsons, and managed to get interconnecting rooms, on a half board basis.But we did have to book really early to get it!
We also do lots of long weekends camping. We go with another family, and it's just fab!

We just got back from Morocco and our room had five beds (though we only used four). The holiday thing can be fine, with a bit of planning and shopping around.

We are considering having a 3rd, for several reasons, mainly that we don't feel quite 'finished' yet, but also because of the following. I was one of 2, and my brother has died. My parents have often said to me that when they had us, they had one of each and felt that 'there wasn't anything left to try for' and they were concerned about the finances, but now they very much wish that they had had more children as it is the best thing that they have ever done. I have also moved country, leaving them with no children nearby and no grandchildren nearby. I also no longer have a sibling to share the concern and care for my parents. I wouldn't ever want one of my children to be in this position. Also, of my husband's family, he was one of 2, and his sister has MS and becoming increasingly infirm, and has no children, and will not. So both of us have seen a narrowing of our family, which makes us slightly concerned about having 'only 2'.

I've got three, always wanted at least 3 or 4. Stopped at 3 for a number of reasons, all valid (to do with age and space, mostly) but in lots of ways I would love 4. Not because 3 isn't good tho, because it is.

The dynamic of 3 is fascinating - mine are ds1, dd, ds2 and they play in pairs - the boys, the older 2, the younger 2 - which I love. ALso love that at least one of them has a same-sex sibling.

Have always found that "one of each" argument rather bizarre - as if children were cute accessories. Actually I am closer to my same sex sibling. In fact if I had had 2 boys I might have been more tempted to stop there.

Clary - I'm fascinated by what you say about the interaction between your three, as I have DS1, DD and am PG with DS2, so will have the same mix as you. I quite wanted another pink and fluffy one, but think its actually better for the children that the new baby will be a boy because:

DS is desperate for a brother and is sooo excited about having a little brother

DD won't suffer from middle child syndrome as she'll always be the only daughter, so unique in her own way. The other two will have their special place as the oldest and youngest.

I'll be really interested to see how it pans out, who plays with who etc. I suspect DD will boss her little brother while DS will be his mentor and the older two will still play together as they get on really well.

I also get annoyed about the one of each thing - children aren't fashion items, where you collect a matching set!

I just have the one for now but can already see that I won't want to stop here particularly as I am one of three (dh is one of two). My dh will only consider two - but I can see I'm going to have to persuade him. Can't wait around either being in my late 30's (that is one of my considerations for having 3). Anyway, as far as having three is concerned, I spent the majority of my early years following my older brother round like a sheep and completely ignoring my little sister most of the time - there was also lots of sisterly rivalry. As adults, I see very little of my brother (but we do get on - he's just lazy) and I'm very close to my sister who is a lovely person and our relationship now is more one of "equals" than sisters. That said, whenever we all descend on my parents with our partners and children , the dynamics come right back into play. I think 3 is fantastic but I do know other adults of 3 children who don't agree and particularly worry about the "middle child" thing. I think we often want what we have experienced if it's been positive (and the converse if negative) but you can't predict what your own children will be like so it could be completely different IYSWIM - My mum always says that she would never have changed the amount of children she had for a moment and loved every minute of it, if that helps !!

newmum - we always slip back into role at family gatherings too!

My big sis, the oldest, starts bossing everyone, little sis (youngest) starts sulking and me (middle one), well I just slip into the background and get quietly drunk!!

I had one of each and that was irrelevant as to how many children we had. My 3 are now 5yrs 7 months, 3yrs 3 months and the baby is 16 1/2 months.

It is hard work and 2 to 3 is a bigger shock than 1 to two but a lot was to do with new baby, starting school for DS1 so new regime, lots of worries about baby's health and having no family. I had also had a bereavement days before the baby was born. We had number 3 so soon as we were hoping for 4 children but it is great now as they are growing up and getting easier. We had to buy a new car but that was a bonus.

I think how much easier it would have been to stop at two but I know it would have been wrong for us. It is only medical reasons stopping us having another.

If you had 2 months left to try for another baby and that was it, would you? Maybe there is your answer.

i cant remember if i posted on here already or not. i had intended to swrite something along the lines of: whatever you have you manage and if you want another go for it and various other not very inspired obviousnesses.

BUT having spend 4 hours alone with my 3 this morning (mothers help, who i now WORSHIP, started late today) i can confidently say that three if FAR TOO MANY!!! ITS MADNESS I TELL YOU!!! DONT DO IT!!!

and with that well reasoned and thoughtful response, i leave you.

[haggard, just aged 8 years in a morning emoticon]

i am one of three and always wanted three. but once I had my two I found it such hard work the first few years I got a bit downtrodden and tired I guess (no nearby family help) and i just never quite persuaded myself (and more importantly my hubby) that we should have another child!

Now my youngest is 4 and a half and I feel it's too late really as there would be a huge gap (only 20 months between first two). But I do feel that I did have another baby in me iyswim and sometimes regret stopping at two but am glad to hear there are so many happy advocates of three kids on here!

Re the middle child thing. I have to say that my DD falls into that stereotype perfectly BUT she did even before becoming the middle child. It is easy to label children and be put off by other peoples experiences but we must not forget that children are individuals they don't have to tick certain boxes.

As someone else has said on here, go for it as that feeling DOES NOT go away.

Not read other posts. Don't know if you've made your mind up, but gut feeling is that if you would LOVE a 3rd child, then you should go for it. You'll always regret not doing so. Other people might find it a doddle, or much harder than 2. Everyone's experience is different. Some kids get on with thier siblings, some don't. Yu can't live by what ifs. Fwiw, I had the itch and scratched it, and am very glad I did. I adore all of them, and am very happy with my 3 & wouldn't change a thing.

You decided yet?

it depends on age tho surely. younger years, eg when dc3 is bwn 1.5 - 3.5 would be hardest, but once they're fully functioning & compos mentis everything'd be a lot easier (says she with fingers crossed as dc fast approaches 3rd birthday) 1st year with tiny baby an absolute doddle, as experienced mum after having had 2 already. dc3 was doddle, but then turned into a toddler.

good luck and my advices? Don't spend too long weighing up pros & cons. Go with gut feeling

I have 2 boys 3.5yrs and 1yr and work 3 days a week. I am 24/7 knackered. I'm sick to the back teeth of doing dishes and folding laundry. My husband is useless at early morning starts (Sat/Sun included) but has begun to change his ways after some recent harsh words and home truths from me. Family are miles away so baby sitting is rare, happens maybe once every 2 - 3 months! I feel on a permanent treadmill (hence the name) without getting off in sight. Had PND with first, kept it quiet with 2nd. Always wanted 3, husband adamant this is it and I haven't discussed it further, the way I feel most of the time I guess he is right. However, when I have both my boys next to me, cuddling me or wrestling my heart feels it will explode with the love I feel for them and the intimacy we enjoy. Last weekend packed away breast pump, steriliser, bottles etc and felt that wrench in my guts, my baby's gone! I keep cuddling and smoothering my walking, trying to talk toddler, '...can't believe you're my last...' I think . I loved both pregnancies and even get a kick out of labour. I'm broody, I'm broody, if I'm to have them close I need to think about getting pregnant within the next 6 months. Do I need my head testing ?

well yes and no. does that help? Just remember, this exhausting, never-endingness does get better. I can now send ds 1 & 2 up to the bathroom to do wees teeth & jimmy jammies, so they're all ready for a story. Dc3 is fresh out of nappies, so after nearly 8 years, no more nappies to change, the 1st 3 yrs are tough, but then it gets a whole lot easier imo. and they're gonna be your kids to love & enjoy forever, not just the intensive early years.

Message withdrawn

If you want three, and bearing in mind you're still at the "small child" phase, then go for it. My three are 13, 8 and 3 - the 3 year old was a total surprise and I was the one who cried for four days when I found out while DH was going "2,3 whatever!" (he was the man who originally wanted just the one). It is hard work, and expensive, and limits your life choices but it is also fantasic, fun and I know that I am very lucky to have them. If I had planned a third I wouldn't have left such a big gap as, although it's easier to have the gaps in practical terms when they are little, it does get more difficult to do family things with them all together as they get older.

WOW! This is the first chance I've had to check back after writing this thread and I can't believe how many replies there are!! Thank you all so much for your advice & for being so honest. Its all very easy saying how wonderful it is etc (which it is of course) but its also very hard work and not all rose tinted specs.

We haven't decided though DH still says NO!!! However, he said no to the other 2 too & of course now dotes on them! If we did go for number three then I would prob with til June time when DS turns 2. There is a 2 yr 10 month gap between mine and I think its been a great age gap for me to cope with.

OK, more questions for you experts!!!

We have a 3 bed semi so hence only 2 bedrooms for the kids. One is quite a large room and the other is a slightly larger than average box room.

DD1 is 4 and used to having her own room, how did your first borns cope with suddenly having to share with younger sibling? Did you put baby 3 into room of their own til old enough to go into a bed or keep them in with you so older kids could keep their rooms longer?

This might sound horribly harsh, and I'm sure lots of people will disagree, but personally I would put your DS in with your DD when he leaves your room and get her "unused" to having her own room sooner rather than later! You could sell it to her as sharing with her brother and then having the smaller room as a playroom for them both. DS1 was 5 1/2 when DS2 came along and you wouldn't believe the lengths we have gone to over the years to give him his own space because he was used to his own room for so long, I really wish I'd done tough love from the start!

try going on holiday?m Mine had their own rooms before & had to share on holiday. They really loved it and begged to be allowed to share when we got home. Sunnyd's idea also good. Go for the spin & hard sell. Don't say, sorry, you're gonna have to share, but sell it in a pos. way, (games room, maybe even with large special toy (I know they're too young for football table or playstation, but maybe vtec smile or whatever that cos santa's brought this really cool big toy you'll need a games room. Or something

my older has a room on his own now. The littlies share a bunk bed in their room, which they love. When middle was a baby he had his own room in the cot. When ds3 turned up, the older two shared the bunks together.
Now the littlest is old enough, they share the bunks, and the elder has his own room.
They have sort of been promoted to the top bunk, like a status symbol! having the littlies together means all the little toys are together instead of spread through the house!

In terms of the middle child, we tell him he is special because he is the only one with an older brother And a younger one too. And he says he is like daddy, who is also a second child born.

Barmymummy my 2 love to share on holiday but treasure their own space at home. So I don't think that idea would 'test the water' as far as your 2 are concerned.
Someone's nose is going to be put out of joint, whatever you do.
I'd be inclined to put 2 children of the same sex in the larger room and the 'odd' one on their own in the small room. You'd better hope for a boy - 2 girls sharing with a large age gap wouldn't be good!
Thinking about my friends with 3 or more children - they all either have enough bedrooms for the youngest child to have the 'box room' or they've divided rooms to give each child their own space.
And they've all got 7 seat cars because of the fights in the back seat of the car - except for one family who had 4 children and dad used to ride behind on his motorbike!

This thread is interesting reading, as I am PG with no 3, due anytime. We have a DS (4) and a DD of 20 months. We decided after having DD that we definitely wanted to have 3 and to go for no 3 sooner rather than later so they can all do the same kinds of things. I also can't understand those who think we're mad to have a 3rd as we already have one of each. It implies that people with 2 girls or 2 boys are not complete, family-wise, whereas they might feel their family is!

I can't wait to complete our family when the 3rd is born but it's going to be lots of hard work for a few years, with 3 under 5 for the next 10 months before DS starts school full-time.

DH and DS are hoping for a boy! DS won't sleep alone whereas DD happily does, so I'm sure he won't mind sharing a room.