Daddy doesn't want baby

[idontknowmyusernameanymore]

I can't quite believe I'm posting this, but I feel very alone and actually need the support. Please don't criticise me, I already feel very vulnerable.

Basically, I'm 6 weeks pregnant. It was an accident, I was on the Depo shot and was just one of the lucky/unlucky 1%. I want this baby, I already love it and want it unreservedly. I am 20, My partner is 40. I have miscarriage issues so it might be my only child I can ever have.

We've been together 19 months or so give or take now, and had a very volatile relationship. He's quite gentle, and I'm quite fiery. We have massive screaming match arguments, but we've never broken up.. yet.

Our parents both know and are thrilled to have a baby on the way. Both our families get on, we have our own house and good jobs that pay well in the NHS, NO reason why we couldn't raise a child.

But he doesn't want the child. Ever since we've found out he wanted to get rid but I refused, I love my child. Today we had a massive talk and had it all out, with my mum there to diffuse the situation. I didn't want her there, but he always wants to get other people involved (One of the problems).

Long and short of the story is he's said he hasn't got feelings for me, he doesn't love me, and our relationship can't continue like this because he cannot cope and isn't happy BUT wants to try with no promises.

My question is, do I delude myself into trying? Is it possible to be a single parent? I'm SHIT SCARED of bringing this baby up on my own, but I will if it is what's best for the child. I feel scared when he doesn't know if we can make it work, and he won't give me any reassurance.

Right now I'm a pregnant and vulnerable mess. Any recurrence would be great.

Of course it's possible to be a single parents. Plenty of people do it every day. It can be hard at times, but it's easier than staying with a completely disinterested dad.

As for the relationship, this may sound harsh but he has told you that he doesn't love you. I think that's your answer there.

I'm sorry you're going through this and I wish you all the best. Becoming a parent is terrifying and hard work, but definitely worth it when it's what you want - dad or no dad.

It's not the situation that you chose but you will be fine. Lots of people are single parents and it means you can do it all your way. It sounds like you want to try the relationship and you know of it's worth it. But if it were me then I'd be tempted to leave and go alone from day 1. Then you can just focus on your child rather than a volatile relationship/resentful father. Give him some time to come around but don't let him spoil your pregnancy/time with your baby.

Get rid. Of him, not the pregnancy. 40 is far, far too old for the "I don't love you" dance.

Of course you can be a single parent. And you're so young, honey. You could meet someone anytime.

Get rid of him.

You and your child deserve a happy, loving family. If it's the two of you, so be it.

You can do it. And you'll be glad you did@

I'm a single parent. I won't lie, it's been hard - but still so much easier than being a co-parent with an uncommitted partner or reluctant father.

Make the choice you want for this pregnancy, and if that means keeping the baby, then do so.

Good luck and congratulations, OP.

I'm saddened by the posters who are saying get rid of him. It is clear from your post that you are two people who at different points in your lives and who want different things.

It sounds to me that you need an amicable split and he will need to understand that you will expect some support (financially, emotionally and time wise) in the coming years.

He may not have any feelings for you anymore and he may not want his child, but the later may change once it is born.

You have the right to find someone to love you and that won't happen if you stay with him a loveless relationship for the next twenty years.

Please don't burn any bridges but I think it is probably time to call it quits if that is what you want. But it must be your decision.

'No promises' to me is the deal breaker. He's saying he can't commit to being there for you. Better to make a break now and not when the baby is 3 months old and not sleeping and he leaves because he can't cope and suddenly realises he doesn't want to be in it after all and disn't want to be a dad in the first place etc. This story has been written a thousand times. You can write your own story, though. If you want the baby you can have it- there is no discussion necessary- it is your body. If your parents are supportive then they might help you when it is born (ask them about it now- will they sometimes help overnight or during the day? Make a plan). You don't need him. It really is easier to be on your own than to have to carry a relationship by yourself- being a parent is hard enough as it is. If he wants out, let him go- you will both be happier in the long run, whether he loves his child or not.

He's saying loud and clear he doesn't want a relationship or a baby. You need to decide if you can cope with being a single parent .

There's a difference between being in a relationship and him being a Dad. If your relationship doesn't work then there's no point carrying on its not fair on any of you but that shouldn't stop you co - parenting whilst being amicable with each other. Whether the baby was planned or not you was both there at conception so he has just as much responsibility towards the baby as you do.

of course its possible to be a single parent! im going to be a 23 yo single mum to three in july. its hard and hormones are a bitch but he can't mess you about like this.
for you

I was in a similar situation to you. 20 years old, pregnant with 1st baby and in an unstable relationship. (but my son's dad left without warning when I was in early stages of pregnancy)

I did think "how am I gonna do this", but on the other hand I felt so relieved that I was out of the relationship, I felt so free! I never struggled without him.
It is possible to be a single parent. It may be hard sometimes, but you get more out of it the more you give- you've done it alone! With a new baby, you don't need added stress that you shouldn't have to deal with, you need a good atmosphere/environment.

he's said he hasn't got feelings for me, he doesn't love me, and our relationship can't continue like this because he cannot cope and isn't happy BUT wants to try with no promises.

I don't know if this is curtains or not for this relationship but as he's not happy about the pregnancy this is probably a catalyst. If you choose not to carry on with the pregnancy in an effort to win him back round, it is a risky strategy.

He might yet come round to accepting fatherhood, he may discover he has feelings for the child if not for you. In the meantime, you are responsible for how you feel. Now more than ever you have to do things to keep yourself happy and content. When you have your first appointment with a midwife, explain the circumstances.

Put your energy into being the best mum you can be, because you have no control over whether the baby's bio father is a good dad or not. You're not the first woman in this situation and you won't be the last. It's tough but rewarding. It looks as if you'll have rl support from your parents and potentially, his. You'll be the one who raises the child, and makes her/him who he is.

Hi everyone, thank you for all your replies, they've really helped.

Obviously I still haven't made a decision, but it's nice to see what everyone thinks from an outside situation as people that know us e.g. friends and parents want us two to make it work, he just really isn't ready for a baby or to be a dad it seems.

It may sound naive, but I genuinely do not know ANY other single parents my parents brought me up in loving household I never intended this to happen without being married etc etc but I CANNOT get rid of my child, so I didn't know how I will feel about being one, but now I've had some reassurance of which I'm thankful for, I know I could love and support this baby on my own, and I think I will be a brilliant mother regardless of him.

I think I will make friends with some other single mum's if it comes to it, and go out and meet people who are going through the same situation. My parents will be there to help and I will let his parents see their grandchild if they wish, although I will not be entertaining letting him see his child as an when, I don't want a half interested dad on the scene. Either he is there permanently sharing the child at weekends etc or not at all.

It terrifies me (however selfish it sounds) that I'm going to then be single the rest of my life by factor of having a child. I will love my child but I do not want to be lonely forever.

Stressful situation, but it needs sometime.

Genuinely, thank you to everyone.

xx

Oh and just to add, just because my parents brought me up together in a loving household, that doesn't mean I think single parent households aren't loving, much from it. xx

I am a single mum. In an ideal world I wouldn't be, but hey, so what. Yes, it can be hard doing it alone, but it is always hard to become a parent. Nothing prepares you. If both families are on side, you already have some support. I would move out, but leave the door open iyswim he has plenty of time to decide he wants to be a dad, and maybe he will, but make your plans without him. As pp have said, being a decent partner and a decent father do not go hand in hand. Be with him because you cannot live without each other, not because you feel you ought to be. Congratulations!

You wouldnt be single forever hun, focus on baby and your happiness and when the time is right, the right Man will come along and love you and your child the way you deserve x

Dump him. He sounds unbelievably immature. Keep the pregnancy. No man is worth your child.

He sounds very manipulative he doesn't love you but will try he's trying to make you grovel and be oh so grateful for his pathetic love so you will do as he demands.
Don't fall for it.

You can do it alone, many women do and they make a fine job of it.

I would go to your GP ASAP if you ave a history of MC too.

Just to make it clear, I have been to doctors and will be monitored throughout pregnsncy, early scan at 7 weeks 10 weeks etc :) xx

I am not a single parent but I have a lot of friends who are so it is definitely possible, and in many cases preferable to a relationship with the child's father.

You can't make him want the baby but I'm sure you will make an excellent mum if you have to go it alone and you will not regret your child even if it's hard at times.

Seriously, these guys. I'm in a bit of a different boat but my pregnancy was also unplanned and took partner by surprise. You can only know your own heart, but I would trust your intuition. You really need to think about you. I'm almost 20 weeks and although I've been enjoying aspects of my pregnancy, I have been sick and utterly utterly exhausted at times. I don't have the emotional energy to focus on anyone that much apart from myself and my baby right now. So do what feels right for you and see if the father is capable of growing up. Pronto. Seriously, I think having a baby really puts a bad relationship into perspective. What concerned me a few months ago seems really silly now. Your life is a million times important than a toxic relationship. Congratulations on your pregnancy :) xxx

Great to hear you are being monitored early Idont I have had two late term MC now on 3rd pregnancy and 35 weeks all because early monitoring and support it can really make a difference.

He sounds like a prick and you sound lovely.

I would ltb. Honestly. You'll be a lovely mum and you'll meet someone else if you want to. You don't want to spend your life with a man twice your age but half your maturity. If he doesn't love you or your baby then that's a problem with him, not with you!

Families are changing so much these days. Its no longer in any way unusual to have single parent or blended families.

he's said he hasn't got feelings for me, he doesn't love me, and our relationship can't continue like this because he cannot cope and isn't happy BUT wants to try with no promises.

Have his cake and eat it you mean ?

I am a single parent and have been since my little boy was born. My H buggered off days before I found out I was pregnant, so I too spent the first few weeks agonising about whether I could do this all on my own.

Fast forward nearly 2.5 years and here I am! Back at work part time, DS is fine, thriving at nursery, I work part time, I have help from my parents. It HAS been really hard work, there's been many times I've felt sleep deprived and tired and would have loved someone on hand to make me a hot cup of tea. I do still feel lonely occasionally, have only met one other single Mum, but know that as DS gets older they'll probably be more of us, so am not worried about this just yet.

But in many ways it's been lovely. My decisions all along - all of them. My mistakes too. No arguing/tension in the house. My/our future - for me and DS. There is a great sense of freedom in that feeling too. And it's been much preferable to raising him in a relationship that didn't feel right. My ex H has never seen DS, (his choice) and again in many ways I think this has made it easier for us.

Good luck OP.