I can't understand my feelings....but I hope someone else feels the same

[monkeyblonde]

I have two DSs, one is 3.5 and the other is just 1. I made the decision to stop my career to care for them, mainly as I hated my job but also as I can't stand the thought of them in full time childcare, and also my mother who looked after my eldest when I returned to work before the younger was born is now in poor health and I can't expect her to look after two boys.

But I feel so lonely, isolated and that my needs are secondary to everything and everyone else. I seem to never achieve anything, the house is a tip (we have just moved) and I can't always summon the energy to pack us all up,and go out as it seems to be just a struggle. My eldest is at preschool three mornings a week but I still have the younger one to care for, so I never get a break. I miss the days of just being able to get up, have a shower and grab my bag and go somewhere. It never ever happens. I've not had a haircut in over a year. Or been to the dentist. Or anything for me. Me and my DH have not had one night out since our eldest was born as we have two poor sleepers. I have also had ONE full nights sleep in 3.5 years.

I'm sorry for the rant, just hoping someone comes along who feels/has felt the same and might be able to offer a glimmer for me.

Yeah and I've only got the one.

Doesn't help I believed for the first few months that mums "should" be utterly selfless so didn't take advantage of a few lucky offers of help I had.

Although on FB many of my mates with 2 seem to have come out the other side! They have nights out and haircuts and things ...

...also several retrained in a school-hpurs-friendly job or work from home once their kids were at pre school, which gave financial freedom and something "theirs".

But I guess we gotta wait!

I'm lucky as my mum can do childcare so after a year I will probably go back to work (luckily my work is interesting and relatively child friendly).

It gets so much easier once they start at full time school/school nursery. Hang on in there.

Big hugs to you! I Definitely feel like this sometimes, especially when topped with long term sleep deprivation! Being a mum can be really hard, but it sounds like you're doing a great job. Hang in there - it will get better.

But in the meantime, it sounds liked ou desperately need some "me" time - book yourself that hairdressers appointment for the weekend, go out to a gym class one evening a week, or meet up with a friend for a drink. Make sure you do sometime for youself, without the children. And don't feel in the slightest bit guilty about it - a happy parent, is a better parent. We all need a break sometimes.

Also, organise a "date" night with your DH and maybe consider getting a sleep-trainer / expert to help you out. I've heard they can work wonders!

Completely understand how you feel - you are definitely not alone and clearly need some 'me' time.

Book a haircut - unless there are special reasons your DH could look after them for the hour/hour and a half.

Set aside half an hour twice a day to do some sorting - over the course of a couple of weeks, it will make a difference.

I pack bags for going out and have shower the night before and then head out straight after breakfast, any later and I lose the will ??

It does get easier once you have one at school, I found having a baby and a toddler a slog.

I also think you have to move your needs up the list, what you need is massively important. If you are well, strong and happy you can look after your DC's better. Plus its good for them to see you going out and doing something for yourself.

What would happen if you booked a hair appointment followed by a bit of shopping and then a meal with a friend? Perhaps on a Saturday? I do it quite a bit and DH cooks the evening meal or I come home with take away/easy food, I'm in a much happier for it which benefits everyone. I find that once I have been out I am much more likely to have the inclination to get stuff done.

You say you are lonely, do you have a mums & tots you could take the littlest one to?

Do you have a local coffee shop or other 'mum hangout' where you could be with your younger child whilst the older one is in pre school? I'd aim to have a morning where you have nothing else to do - don't go home after the school drop off, just hang out there for an hour or two. Chances are you'll meet others in the same boat.

It does get miles easier. Book a hair cut for Saturday and hand the boys over. Arrange a coffee with a friend for Sunday or an hour round the shops. Hand DC to your OH and go out alone. They'll survive. I also packed change bag the night before and went out every day. Would go to meet friends or playgroups to stay sane. The house stays tidy if we are not there!!!

And yes thousands of women feel the same. Lots of people love the idea of being a SAHM and hate the reality - lots choose to go back to work regardless of finances for this reason alone.

Thanks so much everyone, mainly for helping me to feel that I am not a complete nut job, or at least I'm not on my own! We're in a whole new area since moving and I like the idea of hanging out at the local coffee place, especially as there is a fab one less than half a mile away.

As DS2 is not yet properly walking I think that when he does that will open up some more opportunities, eg. Going to the park is a bit boring for him at the mo as he can only really go on the swings, and is bored to sit still watching his brother whilst he's sat in the pushchair.

I have only ever trusted my mum to look after them (apart from DH) but how do you overcome that? We have no other close family nearby and I don't like the idea of dial-a-babysitter.

Maybe some of the assistants at your son's preschool would like the extra cash babysitting. Then you have the advantage of knowing they can be trusted and it's someone your son will know.

Could your DH have them for a couple of hours on a Saturday so you can get a haircut, look round the shops etc? No dial a babysitter needed but may be a good step in the direction of feeling happier with others having them.

yes me too - although I gave up a job I loved.

Dd hated childcare, it was too expensive anyway so I jumped in to Earth Mother extraordinaire role.

I hate it. I love my dd but these four walls are caving in and if I clean the same spot in the same room tomorrow I may fling myself out of the window.

luckily I'm going to work part time at dp office soon just so I can 'get out'

It's not for every one

Our babysitters are ex key workers from nurseries. Know they can be trusted. Try and let go too - some one else may do things different but your DC will be fine. Top tip is to be brave and say hello and start conversations with people you meet on their own with babies. They are very possibly looking for someone to talk to and feeling the same. Try sure start children centre too for great groups

Yes, totally with you op - mine are nearly 1 and 3.5, and some days are a real slog. But, the brighter warmer weather is on the way and getting out will be easier with fewer layers to worry about says neglectful mother who forgot baby socks in the park today!

I sort of never started my qualified career as I had ds, but for my own mental health and everyone else's happiness (!) I am now looking for part time work. Is there anything you could do to get a bit of a break? I know what it's like when people think the pre schooler being occupied frees you up-but the baby is the more difficult customer!

If it's a new area, check out what's on offer for mums and babies. I met my closest friend when we sat next to each other at a baby friendly cinema screening. Sounds like you try to keep family time at weekends - but it really can pay to take some time for yourself, and it's no bad thing for the dad to have time alone with both kids to see how much hard work it is

Any hobbies or classes you'd like to go to? I'm planning to try rock choir again :)

Monkey could you join a gym with a crèche , it's saved my sanity . Much smaller environment so great for smaller children and you don't need to sweat yourself to death. Use the pool or listen to your iPod and gave a walk on the treadmill x

I think we all feel abit like this by the end of winter , cabin fever is an understatement x

I have a 3.5 year old and a 4 month old and am an inadvertent SAHM as we moved abroad just after DS was born. Most days I'm bored out of my head. The 3 mornings when DS is in preschool are still a break for me as DD is young enough where I can take her on errands etc. I'm dreading her becoming a toddler when I'll be a slave to nap time again and will have to take her to the park etc. In fact I'm hoping I'll be back at work, at least part-time before that happens! I really can't face the prospect of being a SAHM to a toddler again. That 18 mths - 2.5years age nearly drove me mad with DS. So boring and so lonely...

Could you work part time or even volunteer? Surely your DH can give you a break at the weekends sometimes, especially since the DC aren't babies now? You should also get over the dread of strangers taking care of your DC. Find a good nanny agency for a reputable source of babysitters. Once you build up a relationship with someone it gets easier. I have no choice but to trust strangers sometimes as I have no family where I live. You just have to do your homework, use s trustworthy source and remind yourself that the vast majority of people are good.

Been meaning to write again, early starts and therefore early nights not always conducive to personal admin!

I'd love to work, problem is that I think that I want it all as I don't want my children in full time childcare, I hope you understand. Anyone got any ideas for work that fits around this? Problem is that I was pretty senior in my previous role in a large multinational company so I find it hard to think about what might work for us. I definitely don't want to do any of the pyramid selling type opportunities that everyone seems to be flogging at the moment. I've considered virtual PAing, anyone done that?

Finally, I'm in the High Wycombe area if anyone by any chance was local and fancied meeting up?

I feel the same as you. DD is at nursery some mornings but I still have DS who is 21 months so I never feel like I get a break either. DH does take them out every weekend for a couple of hours though which I look forward to massively. He's always a bit miserable afterwards but welcome to my world!

With regards to sleep I'd consider sleep training. We have just re-trained DS (21 months) as hit a bad patch. A friend got the HV in with her DS and after listening to her advice she followed it and her son now sleeps through every night. It's a KIND thing to do as we all need our sleep - them and you!

I left my job to be a full time SAHM and I miss it a lot these days. Never ever thought I would say that, ever. But just to have something for ME ...I long for it. Everything I do with my two I'm fought on; if I'm trying to open a door, they're trying to shut it, I put the coat on, DS takes it off....it just wears me down. My silver lining is that DS turns 2 in the summer and will start nursery in September giving me a couple of totally child free mornings.

DH thinks I'm an amazing mum and couldn't do what I do etc etc, but I don't feel cut out for it a lot of the time and some days I'm so frustrated / down.

One thing that has been an outlet is I started blogging. I also knit / crochet / sew (but less sewing as not safe with them around pulling at everything). I think it's a season we have to get through. When I see the other mums doing preschool drop offs in work wear I'm actually a bit jealous these days. Genuinely never thought I'd say that!!

When you're used to working and having adult contact and conversations it can be very isolating when you leave to look after young children.
I started going to play groups, met mums from this site and netmums and made sure I got out and about as much as I could.
You must be able to get ready in the mornings that you have preschool for ds1. Get ready every morning. Use your dh if he's around.
Get out of the house as often as you can.
Menu plan easy and one pot dishes for the week.
Do laundry and one cleaning chore a day.
Get your dh to help with evening chores and make sure your kitchen and living room is done before bed.
This will help free up time for you.
On the weekends, leave the kids with your dh for a few hrs so you can spend time by yourself to do whatever you want.
Go out with your friends from time to time.
If it's hard to go out with your dh at the moment, try to do stuff at home with him for the time being.
It is hard but it's so important to do things that you want to.

OP you are experiencing the reason why so many people go back to a PT job - often in totally different role. Part time nursery can keep everyone sane!

I sympathise so much. This was me a few years ago! I felt very low and even had a spell on ADs, but actually it was a course of CBT that helped the most.

Things I learned:

• not to put myself at the bottom of the list of priorities, which means doing previously unimagined things such as taking a few hours most weekends to go for coffee/haircut/shopping/see friends. It'll be nice for your DH to have time alone with the DCs.

• carving out time for exercise, as it's a mood-booster (endorphins) and a bit of me-time/head space

• try to see other adults every single day, toddler groups etc. It's hard but you have to cultivate a "social life" of sorts via the kids. Other mums with kids the same age are also desperate to avoid feeling isolated. And the children will play with each other :)

• recognise that it IS bloody hard and WILL get easier, you kind of have to develop survival strategies (I was told, "the days are long but the years are short")

• think about what makes you "you", and try to keep your identity as a person, even though most days might feel relentless. This could be a hobby, sport, craft, bookclub, cooking, volunteering, the way you dress, a foreign language you speak. Even if you don't have time to do those things, they are still part of you and didn't die when you became a parent.

• now is the time to start imagining what type of work you might like to do later on, even if it's too early to actually start putting things into place

• you need your DH's support, if you feel valued in your role then it makes everything easier. Once a year I have a weekend away with a friend and DH is reminded how much I do :)

• I had a cleaner when I had a baby and toddler, it was a lifesaver. I also meal-planned and generally had a bit of a rota so that I felt on top of things. We were renovating our house at the time and the reality was quite chaotic, but having even part of the house that was liveable made a big difference to my happiness

• I got involved in a local toddler group - ended up on the committee - and it was a fab way of making friends - I was also new to the area. I realised that when your job is SAHM, other mums are your "colleagues"

• try to budget for a babysitter as even once a month going for a meal or even a drink with your DH will do wonders for you both

And my mantra, when I had a baby and toddler was "FED AND CLOTHED" ie the other jobs have to take a backseat!

Now that I look back it seems like such a short period of my life yet I know that at the time I couldn't see the wood for the trees and it felt very hard indeed.

Good luck.