Do you let your baby sleep alone?

[Nessalina]

Can't decide if I'm being PFB, but me & DH have been following safe sleeping guidelines to the letter, so at 7:30 I put our 4 month old baby to bed and I sit in the darkened bedroom with him, watching Amazon prime on my mobile until about 10:30 when I go to sleep.

In chatting to other mums at baby group it seems that a lot of them put the baby down and them leave them to it with a monitor, and then come up to bed whenever they would normally.

So I know SIDs guidelines are that baby should sleep in a room with an adult, but am I taking it too far?? I would kind of like to get my evenings back...

To be honest, I did the same as you. And it isn't that long until 6 months. Actually, I regarded that time as my blissful mumsnetting time.... Just me, smartphone and baby whilst DH did the washing up downstairs ;)

No I didn't - put my DS to bed at 7pm from the day we got back from hospital and left him in his own room (no monitor) - never even crossed my mind to stay with him until he fell asleep - he self settled and slept through until 7am (with one quick night feed) ......... perhaps I was incredibly lucky but I've never had a disturbed night . Glad Mumsnet wasn't around in those days.

I do feel a bit silly about creepy around ds downstairs now i have to say! Until he was around 13-14 weeks he just cluster fed most of the evening anyway but after that I wish i'd just put him in his room. The increasing SIDS risk factors are; Gender (boys are more likely than girls), family history, age (under 6 months)smoke in the home, prematurity or low birth weight. During pregnancy the maternal behaviour increases future risk is mother, smokes, drinks, takes drugs, is under 20 or has inadequate ante natal care. Environmental factors effecting risk are, using a flat, new mattress, putting baby to sleep on their backs, bf, not having toys etc in cot, not over heating and being in the room at all times up to 6 month. So really putting a baby to sleep in a room on their own for a couple of hours is so insignificant that if it's a pain I won't be worrying about it too much next time- I definitely won't be sitting in a dark room for 2 hours!

I think you are taking these guidelines too seriously. They are 'guidelines' not rules.

You need to do what suits you.

We didn't leave DD1 or DD2 to sleep alone until 6 months. My DH and I took turns on alternate evenings.

stargirl Did it really suit you though?? You see, we said it was fine having ds downstairs with us but really we were just terrified of "doing it wrong"!!!

Sorry stargirl that sounded a bit antagonistic! Didn't mean it to be, just genuinely curious..

Throughly recommend a video monitor. You can get them cheaply and they are super useful for a long time. Great peace of mind without having to go up and down stairs checking on them.

Very very quickly (i'd say at about 2 months) we were putting DD down in her room and, to begin with, staying there till she fell asleep, then having a few hours to ourselves, with monitor on. Pretty soon after that, we did the same thing for daytime naps
She slept soo much better on her own, without us making noise around her.
I was never realised the SIDS thing meant you were supposed to stay in the same room as them AT ALL TIMES when they slept ... i thought the "with parents in their bedroom" was just for the night sleep

elelfrance I was also a bit when I realised they genuinely seemed to be saying you couldn't go for a wee, or make a coffee, or eat while babies were napping until 6 months! Which was what made me think about not doing it because it seemed to be so impossible to keep up. I think it's fine if people are happy with doing it, but I think possibly the NHS website puts it rather prominently in the list of reducing SIDS risk (and also mention two paragraphs down you should leave the baby alone to self settle from 3 months... By doing what, hiding behind the bed?) and quite naturally first time parents are using them as rules because it's mentally much easier to think 'I'm doing everything I should do nothing bad can happen.' Happy people in the room fine, unhappy tearful mother in the room going mad becuase she feels she can't leave the baby or she'll be risking their health, more of a problem. We all do what we can cope with though.

The thing is video/ sensor monitors don't do the same thing to reduce sids.

A baby in same room as people is prevented from going into such a deep sleep due to noise of people breathing/ moving/ talking etc. hence the current guidelines. A monitor doesn't do any of that, it just tells you they have stopped breathing when it could be too late.

It was no problem what so ever having babies sleeping wherever we were. Now at 3 and 5, they go to bed fine alone, but do still share our room ( due to lack of another bedroom).

We still had people over/ made noise and kept music on/ general household noise.

No I don't let dc4 (3.5 m) sleep alone. My own personal risk assessment doesn't let me.
Your child, make your own risk assessment, do some research.

Well, we kept both of them downstairs until 4 months and they went to bed when we did so it's only really 8 weeks. DD1 was ff so at much higher risk of SIDS anyway. With DD2, who is ebf, we have been happy to nip away for a pee or collect a cuppa, etc.

Parenting really is about what works for you and your baby. The guidelines are just guidelines.

Artandco I was expecting a baby to sleep through everything and was envisaging a life of him sleeping soundly wherever we chose to go or chose to do around him, however I lucked out with a child who's eyes fly open at a range of sharp noises (music, tv and talking were fine, but clang a glass or put cutlery down, wide awake!) so it wasn't something we were able to do, he was just up crying every hour or so once he hit 10 weeks. I wouldn't have minded if he had stayed downstairs with us at all if I thought he was sleeping!

With DD1, I did resent it. I remember wishing she had born in a different era where the guidelines were non-existent. It just felt like forever.

With DD2, I treasured it. This stage goes so quickly. Every moment seems so precious. She is 28 weeks old already!

(and also mention two paragraphs down you should leave the baby alone to self settle from 3 months... By doing what, hiding behind the bed?)

This made me giggle, i have visions of parents sliding under the bed commando-style so the child settles themselves to sleep on their own, all while still officially being in the same room

Actually I've just refreshed my memory on how all over the place the NHS sleep advice is

• It’s a good idea to teach your baby that night time is different to daytime from the start. During the day, open curtains, play games and don't worry too much about everyday noises when they sleep. At night, you might find it helpful to: keep the lights down low not talk much and keep your voice quiet put your baby down as soon as they’ve been fed and changed not change your baby unless they need it. Soon, your baby will learn that night time is for sleeping.*

So they ARE saying sit in a quiet dark room not making noise. Until 6 months.

You may feel ready to introduce a bedtime routine when your baby is around three months old... Leave your baby still awake, happy and relaxed in their cot and they will learn how to fall asleep on their own.

I'm not denying that their is a link between sleeping in the room with an adult and a reduction in SIDS risk btw, just commenting on NHS guidelines being potentially confusing! I am shit at leaving DS to self settle, I still rock him at nearly 7 months!

Artandco The sensor/breathing monitors beep if baby goes into too deep sleep to try and jog them into lighter sleep, it's not just like an alarm goes off when they haven't moved for 15 minutes or anything

While mine cluster fed/were unsettled they stayed downstairs till we went to bed. Once they got to having an earlier bedtime routine around 2 to 3 months they slept upstairs with just a monitor for listening for crying (basic sound only one) until our bedtime. I also didn't interpret the guidelines as having to be with us for all sleeping. Naps often in pram in hall etc in the daytime. I have 3 chn and literally nobody I know stayed with their baby 24 7.

Biglife - been there! DS would only sleep on me . No getting a drink. No going for a wee. No moving your arm to get the drink or reach the remote. No changing position. Thank the Lord he began sleeping upstairs at three months.

I have anxiety and mostly do as you do ... but this is part of my doing everything "to the letter" not ad normal. I now (5 month old) Potter in and out of the bedroom but stay upstairs in the main from 7pm. Being sat in the dark after a day mostly alone (dh at work) with baby started to make my MH much worse as i literally had no "downtime" or non baby related adult company Mon-Fri.

Rationally the chance of it affecting the baby/being dangerous after the first few weeks is very low.

But then again I'm a fine one to talk!

...also my house is a wreck and I sometimes wasn't getting to wash for 48hr if dh was working 12 hr days!

Someone pointed out sitting in the dark would be impossible with several siblings ... does this mean 2nd or 3rd kids must always be at risk? Not in any practical sense I don't think.

Buglife at hiding behind the bed to self settle! Mine fixes me with a beady eye, which gets smaller and smaller over 5 min then the snoring starts.

The NHS advice is actually impossible to follow and contradictory in places I should know I read it obsessively .

I know advice has changed and everything but can anyone here seriously imagine their mums sitting in a dark room whilst we slept 30 odd years ago??? If she were still with us I think my mum would've laughed in my face to see me whispering (and going upstairs to open a can of coke ffs!) all evening!

squizita I'm expecting my second now and I've no idea how I'll manage to do the amount of stressing and worrying I did with ds.

Apparently you fret less with the 2nd. I'll believe that when I've squeezed a dc2 out and brought them home!