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Parenting

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Original poster

Mixed baby looks all white?

72 replies

Lily1111 · 02/03/2015 13:50

Hello

I have a mixed baby boy he is half jamacian and half white english. My ex (his dad) is very dark. When he was born (10 weeks early) he had jaundice so he looked dark but when he overcame it he started to get pale and now he is almost my color (im very pale) he also has dark blue eyes and mid brown hair (straight) my ex is now denying he is the father but for some reason refuses a dna (I don't think he wants to think hes the dad) he refuses to take the child out of embarrassment and says that he doesn't even have a big nose like him!

I haven't slept with anyone else, I'm just feeling lost and im made out to be a cheat to everyone I know. He is 3 months and aside from family no one has seen him yet as i know they will question if he is the dad when he is! Anyone else had this? This is my little one

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Littlef00t · 02/03/2015 21:44

My lovely niece has got significantly darker over the last year. The original pics I think the eyes are very dark for a newborn that's not mixed.

BarbarianMum · 02/03/2015 22:54

What a beautiful baby Your ex is a dick who's trying to avoid paying maintenance. Go to the CSA and let him get a DNA test if he wants to contest your claim.

As for your ds, he may well look more mixed race as he gets older. Having said that, a friend of mine is mixed race (Jamaican/English) and very few people recognise anything but Caucasian in her looks/colouring, whilst her younger sister looks wholly black and their brother does look more typically 'mixed race'

LondonRocks · 02/03/2015 23:58

Your boy is lovely!

Your ex is not.

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SoonToBeSix · 03/03/2015 00:04

Gosh you ds is so cute ( with a perfectly normal skin tone for his parentage) .

Original poster

Lily1111 · 03/03/2015 14:17

Thanks for all your comments. Im sure his color will darken up and if not then I'm not fussed either way he is beautiful. The only thing that bothers me is the ammount or ignorant people (such as my friends) who will fail to understand that a child can be born any color regardless of genes, they will then automatically assume he is white and that I fooled around (as will his friends) he does pay child support (£10 a week) this is a lot less than he would be required to pay it I did it through CSA (would be more like £50-60 a week) which is why I think hes refused a dna as he says "he wants to give me what he wants to give me and not what he's made to give me" by him saying this it's obvious he knows he is my sons father as if he had genuine doubts he would assume he wouldn't get a dna match therefore child support would not be an issue.

I don't really want to pursue It with CSA as I know if I do he will become really hostile towards the baby and I doubt will ever see him again. At the moment he asks about him (health development etc) but has only seen him a few times as he doesn't think he is his! But he is okay with me currently. Just annoying that I work full time for a small wage (nothing compared to his wage) and he contributes nothing not even love to his son.

OP posts:

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 03/03/2015 15:04

He will refuse to see his son if he is forced to pay his fair share. Sounds like your son would better off without him. Is he registered as the father on the birth cert?

As for your "friends". Words fail me.

I think you need to decide whether or not to pursue financial support formally. But also to establish what rights of access that may give him especially if he is the type to become abusive towards you and to use his child to manipulate and upset you?

YvesJutteau · 03/03/2015 16:03

If he buggers off when you go to the CSA then your son is better off without him, honestly.

ArcheryAnnie · 03/03/2015 16:18

Oh, Lily, he's gorgeous.

In my family we have a lot of this - all of our children are mixed (in various combinations) and have come out looking different. I can point to several women amongst out family and friends who are very dark but who have had pale, blonde babies.

Genetics, as everyone else has said, are weird.

Liara, your eldest niece is brilliant!

My sister has two mixed race dc. Recently the oldest one said to they youngest, when explaining the difference between literally and figuratively:

'For example, I'm literally black, whereas you are figuratively black.'

NickiFury · 03/03/2015 16:24

He knows he is his. A "Man" like that i.e a proven arsehole wouldn't pay a penny towards a child he truly believed was not his. It's all vanity with him, he wants HIS child to look like him and because he doesn't right now, can't be arsed. Narcissistic twat. I think you need to get onto the CSA pronto, say you have to for some legal reason. I guarantee his payments will soon dry up if you don't get it ironed out legally.

base9 · 03/03/2015 16:25

Your ds is beautiful! Go to the CSA. Your ex has a responsibility to support his son, no question.

Blu · 03/03/2015 16:50

"he wants to give me what he wants to give me and not what he's made to give me"

Haha, of course he does - a lot of us feel exactly the same about income tax, council tax, our online shopping bill, at the till in the shoe shop, and so it goes on. But what if what he 'wants' to give you is not bloody adequate?

Which at £10 a week, it isn't.

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 03/03/2015 17:02

Here's my mixed race baby, and I DEFINITELY gave birth to him (I'm black).

Tell your ex to put up or shut up or you'll get to the CSA.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 03/03/2015 17:02

So basically he funds a packet of nappies and one pack of wipes a week. He's a prince among men !

MyCrazyLife · 03/03/2015 17:09

TheWild your little boy is one of the most beautiful children I've ever seen :)

SoonToBeSix · 03/03/2015 17:40

TheWild you ds's hair is amazing he is adorable.

SoonToBeSix · 03/03/2015 17:43

Op it's actually the child maintenance service you need not the CSA for new claims. You will have to pay £20 to open a case and they keep 4% of any money he pays. It's really crap but hopefully the fact that your ex will be charged to use the service might encourage him to pay you the correct amount directly.

Branleuse · 03/03/2015 17:48

If hes acting like this towards your baby now, then he will be a shit father the whole way through, so cut him loose and parent alone is my advice.
I know it hurts, but having a shitty ex is a ball and chain at the best of times

BertieBotts · 03/03/2015 17:53

You need to stop feeling responsible for your ex's relationship with your DS or feeling like you can control it. You can't, so don't worry about it. You'll save a lot of time and energy and heartache, believe me. Whether he sees him or not, whether he's good with him or not is his choice and his responsibility, if he sees you are in the least bit invested in it, then he will start to use it to control you.

So. Concentrate on your relationship with your son, which I'm sure will be great :) Don't be afraid to use legal channels to pursue child support if he is not contributing - you certainly don't owe him anything and if he is not playing ball then don't try to sort it yourself, just let the authorities deal with it.

If he ever presents a threat to your son, do everything you can to protect him even if that means seeking legal action. Other than that, don't chase him, don't persuade him, leave it up to him. You make your contact details available to him and decide when your DS is available for contact and he does the rest, or not. Not your responsibility. Not your problem. Yes he will probably let your son down at some point, and your son will be upset. Your job then is to help your child deal with their feelings, not to attempt to fix it by getting involved, it will just make him worse. Close yourself off to him emotionally and don't let him manipulate you. I promise you the next 18 years will be massively easier, if you follow this from the outset. Less drama, less attempts at controlling you, healthier for your son, better for you.

Good luck!

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 03/03/2015 18:41

Thanks

(He's not quite so cute when in footstampy NO mode)

Fluffycloudland77 · 03/03/2015 18:50

I love his deep blue eyes wild. Was it a surprise in the delivery suite?

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 03/03/2015 18:55

He was 11lb 3oz so that was more of a surprise!

His older brother is similar colouring and it was a real shocker when he arrived.

Fluffycloudland77 · 03/03/2015 19:12

That just made my toes curl!

What gorgeous children

peaz · 03/03/2015 19:25

I'm brown, DH is white. Ds1 had blue eyes as a baby, yet neither of us do! Luckily DH never questioned his parentage. Ds1s eyes have now changed colour and they are brown, but you wouldn't guess that he is mixed race. Ds2 has darker skin colouring but individually, looking at them without knowing their parents you would say ds1s parent are white, and ds2s parents could be white/white, brown/brown or white/brown!

saltnpepa · 03/03/2015 19:27

Really? People are posting pictures of their children onto an insecure website and asking total strangers to guess their 'race'? Your poor baby.

Fluffycloudland77 · 03/03/2015 19:30

No, a woman abandoned by a man is asking for support because he's trying to get out of child support.

Shame on you.

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