3 year old snacking - how to say no when all other mums say yes?

[Nutgirl]

I am after some advice on how I can fairly say no to my 3 year old DS eating sweets, crisps, chocolate, biscuits etc, as when we're out with his friends at soft play or a play date, all the other mums let their kids snack continuously throughout the session on mainly junk.

A bit of of background - DS is obsessed with food, it is all he ever thinks about. He is never full and wants to eat all the time. Luckily, he will eat anything so he is fed a healthy diet and we carefully watch his portion size. He is not fat at the moment and is very active. I still have a gate on the kitchen as if he is allowed access to the kitchen then he will raid the fridge and cupboards etc. I wonder if he will grow up to be a chef because he role plays with food and when he gets up in the morning the first thing he talks about is what we're having for breakfast. An hour after a big bowl of porridge he is asking for a snack. At parties he will gorge on the party food and still be at the table long after all the other children have lost interest and gone off to play.

My snack policy is that he is allowed fruit or nuts / dried fruit. He is allowed sweets and chocolate, but these are treats and usually after a main meal. This is always accepted at home, but twice a week we go to play-dates at soft play or somewhere similar and this is where I find things tricky. DS will have his healthy snack, but all his friends will be munching sweets, crisps, chocolate etc and he will of course be wanting what they're having. He is very good at sharing, so expects his friends to share too, which normally they are happy to do. Trouble is, I don't want him eating endless sweets and crisps all afternoon. I feel bad because I am not criticising the other parents and trying to make out like I am a better mother than them - I am genuinely concerned about his health and want him to go and play and not be nagging everyone to eat their snacks and treats.

It's really hard and is getting to the stage where I'd rather not go to these playdates because the food thing just stresses me out. I don't know how to explain to DS that he's not allowed these things when all his friends are eating them at will whenever they want?? On the other hand I really don't want to stay at home on our own all day - I enjoy getting out and seeing my mum friends.

Any advice?? Sorry for long post! Am I worrying about nothing?

My two dc don't have many sweets/crisps but have realised its less stressful to just let it go in these circumstances...
If he has two snacks a day this is only 2 snacks out of 14 in a week...

If it is just once or twice a week I personally wouldn't worry. A few shared crisps or sweets in the midst of an otherwise healthy balanced diet won't really make much difference. Could you maybe take him off to play with you elsewhere when the others get the snacks out? As in "ooh lets have a race to the big slide/fight in the ball pit".

Totally get where you are coming from though.

I don't know, what's making food a bigger deal? Saying no or saying you can choose one thing and when it's gone it's gone. Normally I'd say you don't want to make junk food synonymous with fun/days out but he's already food obsessed.

We do soft play once a week. Dd gets a meal deal same as pals but has to eat sandwich before her crisps (her one packet a week) she also knows she doesn't get the juice like they do.

It's really tricky. And I'm not yet at this stage with my DC so hardly best placed to give advice. But...i can offer another perspective which absolutely isn't meant to be a criticism, just something to think about.

I was the kid whose parents didn't let then gave the 'naughty' treats at these occasions, so we'd go out and I'd be the one eating an apple or whatever while the other kids had crisps, sweets, etc. And I found it humiliating; I just wanted to be like the other kids and I fekt it made me stand out. It also gave me 'issues' with food that lasted well into my 20s. So I was also the kid last at the party food table going a bit bonkers for all the biscuits and stuff that was like some illicit treat, long after all the other kids had gone to play. I also remember feeling criticised about portion size and (and I'm sure you don't do this) not really being 'allowed' to still feel hungry after a meal and made to feel a bit bad when I was, like it was wrong. Although I fully recognise my parents had the best of intentions, it's left a bit if a scar and ultimately caused more harm than good.

I do sympathise though. It's a very tricky one, though. I'm now trying hard not to be uptight about what my little one eats and no doubt when she's your DS's age I'll be worrying about the same stuff as you. But I'm going to be at pains not to make an issue out of it for her like my parents did for me. I think a PP's advice - recognising that this is two snacks out of 14 and in the context of an otherwise good diet - is very good advice. A couple of fun-size chocolate bars or bags of crisps a week don't themselves make for a bad diet.

Forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest imo

What are you feeding him? How much carbohydrate is he eating? You should be basing his meals around protein and fat, rather than carbs, as this will not only keep him full but will also provide him with the nutrients that he needs to grow and develop.

On playdate days can you not reduce his meals to allow extra snacks?
My 18mo old snacks a lot. He's hungry. He's also skinny so I see no reason to stop him eating when he's hungry although it's always healthier options (but still quite high calorie like oats etc).
I think that reducing portion size at the next meal is probably the way to handle this without making him aware of it being a "thing".

If I've read your OP correctly you allow him sweets and chocolate after a meal so if he has treats at the soft play subtract them from the allowance he gets at home.

DS would always much rather play with DCs than eat so I must admit this isn't a problem we faced. I was also very strict about chocolate, crisps, etc, and always had healthy treats in my bag if we went out eg fruit, rice cakes. From that pov YANBU to say 'no'. Everyone else having something does not mean your DC has to have it too.

But I think you do have to take into account the messages he's receiving about food from the other parents and the other DCs, and you have to take into account how you manage those messages. If your DS feels denied then he's going to associate sweets, chocolate and biscuits with 'treats' and as a PP said with some DCs that can then make it much more difficult for them to self-regulate.

Thanks for your replies. High love I totally get where you're coming from - I too was like you as a child, never allowed crisps and biscuits etc, eating sunflower seeds at playtime and being picked on because of it. Please don't get me wrong I am not like this , DS does have crisps with his sandwiches a few times a week and is allowed choc and sweets as treats, after meals. He has lunch at nursery 3 days a week with a proper pudding and we always have a treat pudding like angel delight or ice cream at weekends (things I never had as a child). At parties it's not just the junk he stuffs his face with - he would eat an entire platter of tuna sandwiches if I let him!

I'm just trying to set him up with healthy eating habits and actually it's not very healthy to snack all afternoon. When we are at these things us mums sit at tables and the snacks are just out all the time, there's no set 'snacks are coming out for 10 mins so let's whisk him away to the slide' ( tricky to do anyway as I have a 4 month old baby) so he just hovers around hoovering up anything he can get his hands on. I feel so bad because the other mums are my friends and I worry they think I'm weird for being so sensitive about this but DS does have an obsession with food that I feel a responsibility to manage...

Feel a bit better though, like you say an afternoon a week of this here and there won't hurt but then I worry about inconsistency of message! I worry a lot as you can probably guess!

Does he need more to eat at meal times if he is always hungry?

Families, no he is definitely getting enough at meal times and yes they are well balanced meals. It's not that he's hungry in these situations, just that he wants to eat. Not the same thing.

We have "at home" rules and "out" rules. At home we have only healthy choices, no puddings, crisps, cakes etc (except occasional home baking). Out the DSs can have what they want. Out is rare, once a week or so. Works for us. My kids are not big eaters and tend to leave some of the "out" foods unfinished.

OP I can understand you not wanting him to gorge on crap all afternoon twice a week. Maybe you could give him something filling to eat on the way to the soft play centre and also tell him just before entering that he can have one unhealthy item and that's it. When it's gone it's gone. It might be also worth producing some special healthy snacks like roasted pistachios, cashews, crab sticks, grated cheese, dried apricots, cheesy oatcakes, oatcakes with marmite,

You could be describing my DS. I asked what his favourite hobby is and he said "eating". But he is pretty good about having healthy snacks - he knows how it works in our house. If we go to a playdate, I loosen up and let him have treats, but he knows that junk dont have any nutrients and are not good for his teeth so that he will not be having treats for a few days etc afterwards. He is in seventh heaven now that he is at school with puddings but again he knows that it means that if he has a dessert then he will have fruit for dessert that evening. So maybe be open about the compromise, and the reasons why?

Mine have a good grasp of what's healthy or not. They love a slab of cake occasionally but they are often quite horrified at what their friends have in their packed lunch boxes. I think you need to have some set rules about what happens when theres tons of unhealthy food on offer. He maybe needs to learn two things. Firstly to ask before helping himself. Secondly to only have one unhealthy item.

Why do you think he's still hungry? Have you tried upping his protein?

At parties you can concentrate on encouraging him to fill up on savouries first before moving on to sweet

It's tricky because there are people like me whose dc have no interest in food and we're desperately trying to get calories in. My friend has a dd much like your ds. She's coped by ensuring she has a lot of exercise. Would it be an option to walk to and from softplay or take him for a swim afterwards? I do find our dc are very mismatched. Mine rarely eats her school lunch so I'm wanting to give mine a snack. Whereas hers will have eaten everything on offer so she's wanting her to wait until dinner.

It might be that he is just in the habit of snacking. My first DC was like that, snacking constantly. By my forth child we had it nailed down to main meals and only occasional snacks.

How do you know he is getting enough to eat? You say he'd stuff himself on tuna sandwiches which indicates to me that actually maybe he needs more food than you give.

Try giving a bit more fat and protein (3, year olds needs are different to an adults) in his meals. And more substantial snacks than fruit (too sugary and not filling). And plenty of water.

It sounds like you're making a bit of a big deal about food tbh.

Maybe mention it to doctor and see if you could get advice from a pediatrician nutritionalist?

More protein and veg to snack on generally, tell him he can only have one unhealthy item.

It's very likely he is getting enough to eat. Kids are so much fatter then they were in the 50's and 70's. It's pretty rare for kids to be underweight today

I would let him eat when he is hungry but make it healthy stuff. Sone active kids need a lot of food. It sounds a tiny bit like you have him on a diet so maybe he is genuinely hungry. At soft play I would give him A treat then let him have some healthy stuff. He will be running around loads so it will be fine

I mean..kids do eat a surprising amount when they are growing and it doesn't mean he has an issue with food obsession you need to curb