3 year old snacking - how to say no when all other mums say yes?

[Nutgirl]

I am after some advice on how I can fairly say no to my 3 year old DS eating sweets, crisps, chocolate, biscuits etc, as when we're out with his friends at soft play or a play date, all the other mums let their kids snack continuously throughout the session on mainly junk.

A bit of of background - DS is obsessed with food, it is all he ever thinks about. He is never full and wants to eat all the time. Luckily, he will eat anything so he is fed a healthy diet and we carefully watch his portion size. He is not fat at the moment and is very active. I still have a gate on the kitchen as if he is allowed access to the kitchen then he will raid the fridge and cupboards etc. I wonder if he will grow up to be a chef because he role plays with food and when he gets up in the morning the first thing he talks about is what we're having for breakfast. An hour after a big bowl of porridge he is asking for a snack. At parties he will gorge on the party food and still be at the table long after all the other children have lost interest and gone off to play.

My snack policy is that he is allowed fruit or nuts / dried fruit. He is allowed sweets and chocolate, but these are treats and usually after a main meal. This is always accepted at home, but twice a week we go to play-dates at soft play or somewhere similar and this is where I find things tricky. DS will have his healthy snack, but all his friends will be munching sweets, crisps, chocolate etc and he will of course be wanting what they're having. He is very good at sharing, so expects his friends to share too, which normally they are happy to do. Trouble is, I don't want him eating endless sweets and crisps all afternoon. I feel bad because I am not criticising the other parents and trying to make out like I am a better mother than them - I am genuinely concerned about his health and want him to go and play and not be nagging everyone to eat their snacks and treats.

It's really hard and is getting to the stage where I'd rather not go to these playdates because the food thing just stresses me out. I don't know how to explain to DS that he's not allowed these things when all his friends are eating them at will whenever they want?? On the other hand I really don't want to stay at home on our own all day - I enjoy getting out and seeing my mum friends.

Any advice?? Sorry for long post! Am I worrying about nothing?

I would bring some more treaty type snacks for those playdates - do not give him crisps or chocolate bars they are for taste not for filling you up. Maybe a cereal bar or a homemade blueberry muffin with a cup of milk and offer a banana if still not full - they have sugar and kids like them but at least they will fill him up and give him some energy. If he wants more than that I would offer cheese and crackers, grapes etc.

I wouldn't make a big deal about what the other kids are having and let him have a bite or two if they offer.

If he is always hungry then I think you should be offering snacks twice a day (morning/afternoon), maybe he needs food more regularly than 3 times a day.

Could you suggest to the other mums that you do a snack time (after an hour or so) where the kids sit down and have their snack together and then snacks get put away after so they can play?

I understand your frustration as we had a similar situation with meeting a particular friend at the park, she would pull out endless snacks so the kids would spend 1/2 their time at the park eating rather than playing. Bugged me big time, my DD was trained to play/run/around etc and then have a quick snack after or straight home for lunch.

Its so hard. I really sympathise as the childhood obesity crisis - and crisis in childrens tooth decay - is clear evidence that we have a disastrous approach to child eating in this country.

People always come on mumsnet and say oh let them have a little snack etc -but we live in a culture where children are having the kind of snacks daily that would have been a very rare treat even in our own childhood ( I am 37 and had quite a lot of sweets as a kid but never durin the week or with meals)

it is so so hard on a parent of a toddler who doesnt' want their child to think chocolate and crisps are normal. I feel stressed already thinking about summer and the bloody ice cream vans - my son is 3 - last summer the only real tantrums he had were over ice creams - he sobbed his heart out - and I am not mean! I let him have them fairly regularly - at least once a week he had one in the park, probably more often because I had a newborn too - and couldnt be too strict - but the van parks in the middle of the playground and he is surrounded by kids with ice creams -

I cannot let a 2 year old have ice cream every day from a van, he would become obese - yet he cant understand that - it massively pisses me off

op - hard as it is stick to your guns, put away your worries about offending other mums - perhaps invent an allergy???! just say, sorry Ive brought snacks for him

or - hard as it is - change your play plans its his health after all.

You can just say no and you dont have to justify it. It's your choice and your child. Our DD (now 4 YO) knows that we just don't eat snack foods/crisps, sweets in our house. None of us do so it's not like we are depriving her- she eats the same foods as us. She told us that the other children at nursery had cakes and sweets when they went on a outing to the cinema and proudly told us she had two pears! She just knows this is what we do as well as being reasonably aware of the reasons why.
Personally I allow her to eat “snacks” between meals if she asks for them (she rarely does) but snacks are fruit, cheese, yogurt or left overs from meals such as chicken (real food not “snack-foods”) in our house. If she asks for something to eat less than 90 minutes before a meal she doesn't get anything as I want her to eat the meal - so I say “No, because it's nearly dinner time” and there is no argument as she knows she’ll be troffing something nice soon! For outings such as soft play or theatre I make sure she eats beforehand so she isnt hungry once insides (as the food on offer is terrible and often expensive). She has never asked for any food at soft play or theatre or swimming lesson despite seeing nearly everyone else eating (and usually sweets) but we do make sure she has a good meal before going out. If going out for the day I usually pack food but will sometimes factor in a cafe stop if there is sometwhere we know of that’s good but we don't just buy food on a whim. Food choices/habits formed as a child are important because they stick for life and are very hard to change as an adult. If your child is used to eating at mealtimes they don't expect to eat in between meals and/or whilst out just because others are eating, just because the food is there, or on a whim (I’m not talking about deliberately going out for a meal, which we enjoy doing occasionally) and this is no bad thing.

Ah the Devil's ice cream van. Actually DD has never asked for any from a van at all. However she did hint "That girl has ice cream.." in the park last summer. We told her "That ice cream isnt as nice as the one we have at home (form Italian Deli, home-made on the premises, and with only milk, cream, sugar and vanilla plus a stabilizer in it (nothing else, no added oils or artificial sweeteners as are in the whippy stuff and tastes nowhere near as sweet, the strawberry one has purreed strawberries but no other additions, no colouring or added flavourings). DD accepts this. She knows she can have a nicer ice cream at home. She also doesn't associate going to the park or seaside with eating ice cream as we’ve never bought it there. I think once you do buy ice cream when out somewhere they will associate ice cream with going to that place and will ask for it when you go there

Tbh im a hard faced mother and I say "Ive broughy you here to play not to munch all afternoon, Ill call you over at snacktime, goand play"

I just don't understand this constant snacking for toddlers and young children which seems to be so common. When mine were little I would bring one thing for them to have (fruit or a biscuit) because I knew their friends would be getting them and if they wanted more I would say No and try and distract them. The snacking drives me mad! I don't think they need a continual supply of food and in this country the accepted definition of 'snack' is crisps/chocolate/biscuits which have no nutritional value whatsoever.

Gourd your deli icecream sounds lovely!

My two year old is always hungry. Bowl of porridge and fruit for breakfast, asking for something again under an hour later this morning.

Can anyone suggest meals and snacks that are strong on fat and protein? She is a reasonably good eater, meal wise she likes casseroles, pasta, pies, sausages, lasagne, cottage pie, pizza etc but there's some stuff she just won't eat or even try - rice, eggs, chicken, fish...!

Paddington, oatcakes with peanut butter (combination of complex carbohydrates and protein and fat)? Cheese (babybels?) or avocado.

For meals, it sounds like you are giving her some good stuff already, which should have plenty of fat and protein. It's a shame she doesn't like eggs as I find them very filling.

Thanks. She loves peanut butter but sadly we've had to stop giving it to her as she gets quite a bad contact rash from it on her face. I've been eating boiled eggs every morning for the last few weeks to see if I can influence her to try some but she flatly refuses and always has, scrambled, boiled, fried, she's not up for it! Chicken is sometimes eaten, usually if in a pie, but more often chewed a bit and then discarded. She will eat tinned tuna in pasta or sometimes with Mayo in a sandwich, but no other fish, not even fishfingers. She has eaten the odd smoked salmon sandwich. She hates rice, and couscous too, so perhaps it's their texture. She does like cheese, hard and soft, so has that daily, plus lots of fruit, crackers, bread, breadsticks, oaty cereal bars, ham, marmite, porridge, shreddies. I sometimes worry that the stuff she does like is quite salty (bread, ham, cheese). It's tricky isn't it?

This is what she had today, a typical day

Baby biscotti thing and beaker of milk first thing
Breakfast an hour later, bowl of porridge with honey and a satsuma and some grapes
45 mins later she's hungry so she has a slice of whole grain bread with butter
Mid morning snack of banana and breadsticks
Lunch, beef and soft cheese sandwich using one slice of wholemeal bread folded, couple of bits of cucumber, cubes of cheese, chunks of mango, another satsuma and a few cherry tomatoes
Mid afternoon snack - oaty cereal bar
Dinner beef pie, carrots and mashed potato followed by a small yogurt
Milk before bed

Her diet honestly looks great to me and pretty similar to what mine ate. Maybe she is up early which accounts for her needing to have a couple of snacks between breakfast and lunch? Could you try and combine the snacks so you are just giving one, ie. the bread and banana/breadsticks? I also made a lot of homemade soups for my two at that age which they loved and were filling for their lunch.

Haven't tried soup yet, good idea thanks!

I would see the gp if you child's appetite is out of co trol and he is constantly thinking about food, there are a variety of conditions that can cause this.

I'm quite happy to associate the beach with the ice cream van!! Unless you live near enough to go very frequently, a trip to the beach is a treat anyway - and an ice cream is a perfect part of that treat. Mine used to share one (before DS began eating for England)