Can you be too attached to DC?

[Siennasun]

I've been having lots of arguments with DH about this recently. He thinks that DS (age 2) "loves me too much".
He is in a phase at the moment when he only wants mummy and often says "go away daddy" "i want mummy, not daddy" etc. I think this is hard for DH. I would find it hard to cope with if it was reversed.
DH thinks it's my fault, primarily because I let DS sleep in our bed most nights. We can't reach an agreement on this.
I've recently gone back to work full time (was previously part time). I didn't want to go full time. My job is very stressful and the additional money won't make much difference to our standard of living. I feel like DH resented me being part time and has bullied me into going full time. Now that I am spending virtually no time with DS during the week I am less inclined than ever to ban him from getting into our bed when he wakes up in the night.
Is DH really right that letting toddler sleep in parents' bed is bad parenting and I am setting up loads of emotional/behavioural problems for his future?

I think they are 2 different questions.
No, of course you can't be 'too attached' to your dc.

the co-sleeping is a question of parenting choices. Personally, I'm with your dh - I think there are a lot of reasons I never had any of ours in with us, but I'm totally comfortable with the fact that we all make different choices to suit us, and there are a lot of people on MN who are real advocates of it.

The issue is, how you resolve it when two parents of the same child have opposing views. It will probably help to keep it as an individual topic of discussion though.

Thanks for your reply backforgood. I agree they are different issues. DH attributes any problems he has with DS (crying at nursery drop off, asking for me when they go out without me, generally being a bit shy) to DS being too attached to me and he thinks sleeping in our bed causes this.

I don't really agree he is too attached to me. And I'm not sure where he sleeps has much impact on anything but interested to hear other people's experience/opinions.

Using the word "fault" is not helpful and your dh needs to realise that. It is better for him to say "I feel bad when A wont go into nursery because he is crying for you. How could we change that?" far more likely to get traction than "he cries going into nursery and it is your fault"

But that works both ways - you can't say "it is your fault for blaming me". You both need to figure a less black and white way of talking about your family.

I think a child cannot be too attached to a parent at that age. they also go through mummy/daddy phases. In the next couple of months, your dh could be the god-like desired one and you could be chopped liver (when it happened with my first I was devastated. With my 3rd I opened the prosecco in celebration).

I think the co-sleeping thing is hard if the other parent doesn't want it. I would kind of go with your dh on this if it were me - but would expect him to help come up with the solution too.

That said, i have 3 teenagers. no one wants to get into bed with us anymore. We used to complain a lot but now we miss those days! We thought they'd go on forever but they don't.

I think your dh is feeling a bit discombobulated by being a parent etc. I know it is a cliche but is there any way you could get away for a night together, have a nice time, in the morning discuss the realities of being a parent to a toddler and come up with somethings you can do to make you both happier.

It is tough. good luck.

there is a normal cycle that kids go through to do with identity, and at around 4 they become very interested in whichever parent is the same gender, so dh's time will come.

It sounds to me as if ds is being a bit more clingy because you have had to go back full time and he is adjusting, which is quite normal.

One thing we did was to have some things that were Daddy things, to ensure that the dcs had good daddy time when all they wanted was mummy. So, dh always did bathtime, and we alternated bedtime/storytime, so it became standard 'It's daddy's turn'

Lots of good advice thank you. DH is a very black and white type of person. And there is far too much blaming each other on both sides on our relationship.
I can see why he's annoyed that I keep letting DS come into the bed when he doesn't want him there. But he hasn't offered any solution that I can tolerate. He thinks we should leave him to cry himself to sleep. I just can't.
And I really miss him now I barely see him in the week so love cuddling him in the morning.

DH has always done bathtime and DS used to love it but increasingly won't even get in the bath until I'm in the room. Hope this phase passes quickly for everyone's sanity.

I can see why he's annoyed that I keep letting DS come into the bed when he doesn't want him there.

So you are overriding and undermining what your DH wants? He probably, rightly, feels pushed out completely.......especially of his own bed!!

Why don't you take your DS back to his own bed.....and YOU stay with him there?

You all sound unhappy.

Ah, this is awful for you and dh.
Firstly, how can he resent you working pt?
You are both parents and should do what is best for your family. If the extra money doesn't make too much difference I can't see why he would want you to do it tbh.
Does he want to work pt and see more of your ds, maybe that could be a solution.

As for wanting mummy more than daddy I think this is quite normal at this age, I know all 3 of ours were like this, but soon grew out of it. I don't think this is related to you working ft as I was/ am sahm and ours were like this.

He does sound like he wants the best of all worlds and it isn't always possible when you have dc, there has to be compromises.

I would talk to him and tell him it isn't working like this and the whole family should be happy with your lifestyle.

As for being in your bed, I can't help you here as we never allowed any dc in our bed, not even once. But obviously this isn't related to wanring mummy more than daddy either.

I think it's awful for OP and DS
The DH sounds like a sulky billy.

DS is in a cot bed, too small for me to sleep with him in. I used to have a single bed in his room that I would sleep in when he wakes up at night but came home one day and DH had thrown it out while I was out.
It is true I am undermining what he wants with the sleeping thing. I don't know what else to do. That's why I'm asking for advice.
It's also true we all are unhappy at the moment.
When I was pt things were ok but I'm really not coping well working full time and don't know how to talk to DH about it as whenever I talk about stress at work he always says "try doing my job for a day" which makes me Unfortunately DS cant work pt as he earns much more than me and he says it would seriously damage his opportunities for progression at work. To be fair to him he's a great dad, does his share around the house despite working very long hours and is for the most part a pretty nice guy but he definitely can be a sulky bully at times

I think attached is the wrong word. I don't think we can be too attached to our children.

I do think we can be too wrapped up in them though. While DS is your responsibility and he demands a lot of time and attention, your marriage requires some consideration, and I am not sure a marriage should suffer as a result of the DCs needs. Your DS might cry for a few nights in his own bed, but sometimes these things cannot be helped and need to happen for the greater good.

Your DH is entitled to feel hurt and pushed out. He is essentially a spare wheel here and that must be very difficult for him. You are undermining him, and this needs addressed now before your son is old enough to be fully aware of it.

You say working park time doesn't bring in much more money- are there other reasons to? Are you in an industry where its not the norm? You're hardly taking a career break.
I'm afraid the picture of getting rid of the single bed in DS' room and badgering you into going full time is really concerning. What sort of man would insist on his wife lying next to him while his son cries and they're both leaving him the next day. What's he like at childcare? What do the nursery staff say about home generally?

Sorry- what do the nursery workers say about him?

Slice- the marriage can be sustained by talking and in the evenings. The child is spending most of his time not with a parent and doesn't have the emotional capacity or maturity to rationalise this. Most marriages take a back seat when children are this young- the OPs husband is blocking this by making her work full time and not allowing her to comfort him.

Sorry, where did the OP say that he makes her work?

Yes the marriage can be sustained by talking, but talking is a two way thing. And sometimes it requires compromise. It doesn't seem like the OP wants to compromise on the sleeping arrangements at all.

I agree, getting rid of the single bed is a red flag. But I am only commenting on the info I have been given.

He said he got rid of the bed because it took up too much space in DSs room and made the room look untidy. This was true but massively unreasonable of him to throw it out without talking to me about it first.
I think he also did it because he thinks it's bad for DS to be sleeping with me because it's making him too dependent on me.
He cries most mornings when he's dropped off at nursery and always says he wants to stay with mummy. Nursery staff say he's fine a couple of minutes after I leave and he's always fine when I pick him up. They have no concerns about him.
I actually work in a field where being part time is very normal and is very unlikely to impact on your career. The specific job that I'm now doing was a promotion and it wasn't possible to do it part time. I didn't really want to accept it but DH badgered me into it. He is very ambitious and finds it very hard to understand that I am not.
It was a mistake taking the job and I resent him for pushing me into it which isn't entirely fair as it was ultimately my decision.

In fairness to DH I think he's genuinely worried that sleeping in our bad is bad for DS.
I think the reverse which is why it's so hard to find a compromise.

My Ds is nearly three and is incredibly attached to me (and me to him) he cries when I drop him at nursery, always wants to be wherever I am, his stock phrase is 'I want my mummy'. We have co slept precisely once ever, it has naff all to do with your sleeping arrangements and all to do with your child. Ds sleeps happily in his own bed, he does sometimes cry out for a cuddle, so I go in and give him one, but your son's crying at drop off is not linked to sharing his bed. You husband sounds like a bit of a bully, and throwing away a mattres that he knows you used regularly was very manipulative. We have a spare bed that has a removable single mattress which I use if Ds is unwell and I want to sleep on his floor to keep him company. I have just accepted a new job that starts in September that will be full time, and am nervous about how Ds will cope but that's been MY choice, it will also make a big difference to our finances and day to day logistics so I will feel the benefit. If there were no financial need I probably wouldn't have bothered!

I

I think your DP is blaming the wrong thing. But he is observing that you are all unhappy and you are taking solace in DS which is understandable but not a long term solution and you do risk becoming the default parent if you don't make room for each other's needs and each other's parenting.

This is a relationship problem not a parenting problem I think.

I agree with Quangle.

I also think that your DH feels really insecure in both his relationship with you and in the relationship that should be forming with his son. And he is trying to manipulate his way back in, but of course thats entirely the wrong way to go about it.

IMO its neither bad or good for DS to co sleep. But it is bad for you and DH if it is coming between you in this way.

Though I have to say, you don't seem at all bothered about that.

The thing is, by forcing you to go back full time, it's become inevitable that you will want to spend every minute with your son and vice versa. If he wanted a bigger role in his son's life then the best thing would have been to have you continue to work part-time and then for him to take over when he got home.

I can understand he doesn't want disrupted nights but leaving a two year old to cry it out doesn't do anything but make the child unhappy - imagine having him cry all night and then having to drop him off at nursery?

Did your husband bully you before you had your son?

Slice maybe because her son is a child for a short time and her husband can express his feelings verbally. And a lot of what the family is struggling with is as a result of decisions the husband has made or expressed strong opinions on- the OP working full time, taking away the spare bed and resenting the co sleeping.
OP- what's DH's relationship with his family like?

There is clearly more to this than parenting differences. have you posted in relationships? I don't like the sound of your H much.

You don't have to work FT just because he demands it. You don't have to stop co-sleeping just because he demands it. Your wishes are important too. If he wanted to help your DS or help you both get through this he'd be reading up on things and suggesting approaches rather than berating you.

"whenever I talk about stress at work he always says "try doing my job for a day". "he cant work pt as he earns much more than me and he says it would seriously damage his opportunities for progression". So he could work PT but doesn't want to for financial and career reasons and he chooses to work long hours.

Does he do his fair share at home or expect you to do it all(in ways he approves of) and work FT too?

iMo it seems unlikely that co-sleeping makes DC clingy, and far more likely that both parents working FT and / or a bullying father, or the usual development stages, could lead to DS being clingy with you.

No the family is also struggling with the OPs decision to co sleep and her refusal to take the other parents opinion on board.