Can you be too attached to DC?

[Siennasun]

I've been having lots of arguments with DH about this recently. He thinks that DS (age 2) "loves me too much".
He is in a phase at the moment when he only wants mummy and often says "go away daddy" "i want mummy, not daddy" etc. I think this is hard for DH. I would find it hard to cope with if it was reversed.
DH thinks it's my fault, primarily because I let DS sleep in our bed most nights. We can't reach an agreement on this.
I've recently gone back to work full time (was previously part time). I didn't want to go full time. My job is very stressful and the additional money won't make much difference to our standard of living. I feel like DH resented me being part time and has bullied me into going full time. Now that I am spending virtually no time with DS during the week I am less inclined than ever to ban him from getting into our bed when he wakes up in the night.
Is DH really right that letting toddler sleep in parents' bed is bad parenting and I am setting up loads of emotional/behavioural problems for his future?

Well, they are struggling with their DS's sleep and behaviour, and have different ideas about addressing it (eg OP wanting to co-sleep or have a bed in the room and go PT so as to spend more time with DS). But there seems to be a backdrop here of the DH being a bully.

Both parents working FT does not make children clingy. Some are. Some aren't but it's not to do with work.

Fair enough, and nor does co-sleeping.

Lots of posts while I've been away!
In defence of DH he hasn't forced me to do anything. He talked me into taking this full time job but it was ultimately my decision. And DS is continuing to come into our bed most nights, despite it not being what DH wants.
He's not a bad guy. He can be very thoughtful and he does do his fair share with childcare (when DS will let him) and housework.
He can be very manipulative but equally things are hard for him too at the moment and he most likely is feeling insecure/sidelined within our family .
Thanks for everyone's replies - it's given me lots to think about, especially made me realise this is a relationship issue not a parenting one.

If it's any help, our DD (4) comes into our bed (though perhaps it's tapering of a bit). But she is fine at nursery drop off and has been since she started nursery at 6 months.

Could your son sleep on a cot mattress on the floor next to you? Less disruptive but still safe near you

On the co sleeping clinginess thing. DS 1 was in our bed a lot until he was about 4. DS2 was never interested in our bed and slept happily in his cot from the get go. They are now 23 and 15 and DS1 is confident and non clingy where as DS2 is a wee bit anxious.
Anyway the point in this is follow your instincts. I don't think there is any correlation between potty training / dummy usage/ bottle feeding and any of the myriad of things we worry about and how the child will turn out.
Just my opinion based on my experience

Do you and your DH do nice things for each other. I don't think DC can be loved too much but the don't need to be the centre of the universe too. Do you and your DH spend time on your own? Do you have a babysitter?

My DH and I used to have to make a big of an effort with each other when. The DC were little, it's easy to forget about each other when you are tired and wrapped up in the DC.

I also think it's healthy for the DC to see that their parents don't exsist just for them and also to see their parents enjoying each other's company.

I do think parents can become too consumed with the needs of their child/ren over the needs of their relationship. It can be hard not to when small children are dependant on you for everything. Sometimes it's both parents, other times it's just one parent.
DS's clinginess could be that he is seeing you less if the change in working hours is recent. It could just be his age/stage of development. I doubt very much it is co-sleeping.
You and DH really need to be on the same page regarding to parenting. You also need to remember you are a couple who will hopefully be together long after your son has grown up and left home.

what would your DH say if you agreed to stop co sleeping but alternated the returning DS to his bed? I accept its you DH bed as well so he has to have an equal say - but then he also has to have an equal part in the night shift to help reverse the waking. If he won't help he'll have to put up with your decision to co sleep.

I agree with steppinginto2015 this is part of usual cycle of development, if DH would feel better seeing it written down Google leswin's cycle of development and bowlby' s theory of attachment.

DS1 is now approaching 6.
He was a velcro baby, and was pretty much sling carried for his first 6 months (then he was crawling).
He was a nightmare sleeper, and I was often found on his floor, or him in our bed.
From about 3.5, he started sleeping through, and stayed in his own bed, but if DH was travelling with work, the first question he would ask would be if he could sleep in my bed.

He is still very much a Mummy's boy. But he is also very, very sociable, and will chat to anyone, anywhere, and bounced off into school without looking back (despite often moaning at nursery drop offs)

So, I would say the attachment you have with DS isn't an issue, but you and DH need to come up with a parenting model which works for all of you.

If DS moved from a cot bed to a standard single, would you be able to share with him occasionally? Personally, I think loosing the single in DS's room was a mistake (but then we still have a spare double in DS2's room, so i would say that!)

How much over 2 is DS? Would he understand that he can only come into your bed after (say) 6 am for cuddles, then up for the day, and noit for sleeping?

It also sounds like you and DH need to spend some time together? Can you go out for an evening, and leave DS with a babysitter - we've used one of the apprentices from nursery very successfully - on a semi regular basis to guarentee time with each other (even if all you talk about is your son!)

Sorry, bit of an essay. Hope some is helpful.

Sorry- Levin, NOT Leswin....

No, a child cannot love their parents too much and I don't think you can be 'too attached' either.

The mummy/daddy thing is absolutely normal in toddlers and provided neither parent makes too big a deal of it, most kids grow out of it, or indeed, go through a phase where the other parent becomes the object of worship :) Horrid for the rejected party while it lasts, but you have to recognise it as part of the great tapestry of toddlerhood.

Crying at nursery drop off then fine after two minutes - normal. Wouldn't be if he wasn't fine all day, but what you describe is totally normal for many kids for a while. Has he just switched to going full time?

Co sleeping will not be causing the clinginess but it is a matter of parental preference for how much you like your toddlers in bed with you, I was very much for it but not everyone is.

Have you any option to reverse the decision on your job? Or could you do a flexible working request for eg four days once you've been in a month or two? It sounds somewhat as if you're being harder to shift on issues like co sleeping because (understandably) you really didn't want to go full time and felt pressured into it. I wonder if your DH felt he was doing the right thing encouraging you to progress your career if he's very driven himself. Could the answer be to address the root cause by saying very clearly and assertively to DH that you don't want to work full time at present and the career ladder isn't your main aim? Might clear the air and make it easier to address the smaller stuff, I don't know?

I will look up Levin and Bowlby for DH. We have talked about his preference for me just being a stage he'll grow out of and friends' kids doing the same etc, it still must be hard to take. Maybe seeing it written down will help.
It's reassuring to hear others' experiences with their clingy/co-sleeping babies.
DH and I practically never spend any time alone together as a couple. We are lucky having lots of family support for babysitting but when we go out it's always with friends.
DS is still only in nursery 2 days a week but will be in 4 days soon (other days with grandparents).
jennifersrabbit your last paragraph is really accurate - DH is so career driven and just can't comprehend me doing anything that could potentially damage my career. I'm annoyed with him and with myself that I've let him persuade me to take this job.
there is no option to reduce hours at the moment. Maybe when I've been here longer I could request to change to a different part time role, if something comes up. If it doesn't I will have to find a new job or maybe even take some time out because current job is making me very unhappy, both the work itself and the impact it's having on my home life.
We really need to sit down and talk about everything properly. I'm going to suggest some of the ideas on this thread like maybe having a cot mattress or bed for DS in our room or getting a new spare bed in DSs room as well as making more time for us as a couple.

Sounds like a good plan - Good luck,