Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Mother in law

45 replies

Pop54 · 09/02/2015 21:54

Hi all,
Im pregnant with my first and due in five weeks and just wanted advice really about how you feel about the first time letting someone else look after your baby. I'm not planning on palming my little one off and think I will be a nervous wreck. My mil on many occasions mentions she has already bought her own cot and car seat etc and wants him over at hers as soon as possible. I told my partner that I didn't want her to get her hopes up and buy all these things expecting her to have the baby all the time. He told her this to which she replied I'm the grand mother and I have a right to have my grand child stay over. Don't get me wrong I love that she's excited and cares as its her first grandchild. Also I understand its important for everyone in the family to bond with the baby. I also don't want to wrap the baby up in cotton wool, as she puts it. I just wanted to know how everyone else was with their first baby? Were you protective? When did you feel comfortable letting someone else look after them?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 09/02/2015 22:01

Do NOT let baby stay over somewhere until you feel happy about it. Ok, we are all a bit antsy the first time, but if you aren't happy to allow it, then don't do it.

I don't let mine sleep over until they are reliably sleeping all night with no feeds etc between 7&7. Part of it is not wanting to burden the Grandparent with night wakings and the other part is wanting dh or I to be there for them when they wake in the middle of the night.

Not saying this is what you should do, but that it is totally fine and normal to feel like that.

My MIL bought a carseat and a cot and a buggy. I just let it roll off my back tbh, no way was I going to feel obliged to be separated from my baby before I felt ready. The cot was used overnight from maybe nine or ten months old. The car seat was never used. I always insisted on fitting my own into her car. Purely because she bought hers from a carboot sale.

You may feel happy to let baby sleep over from a young age. You may not. But however you feel about your child is acceptable and the only acceptable response when you say you aren't ready yet is "Ok, im here whenever you need me"

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 09/02/2015 22:01

And she is entitled to nowt!

pasbeaucoupdegendarme · 09/02/2015 22:03

She has no "right" to have her grand child stay over, that's bollocks!!

I didn't leave my pfb with anyone for ages, partly because I was bf but also because I didn't really "have" to, so why would I? Dh and I went out leaving her with my parents for about an hour and a half when she was about 7 weeks old, that was the first time.

I've still never left her with mil (she's 2y7mo now). I wouldn't feel very happy to do so even now, as dd and she rarely see each other (geographical distance) so they don't know each other that well.

Stand firm, you don't need to be pressurised into any "free babysitting" that you don't want!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Baby & toddler products Families General parenting

pasbeaucoupdegendarme · 09/02/2015 22:05

Oh, and dd is looked after quite frequently by my my dm, but even despite this had never slept over with them in her own. She's having her first sleepover next week, in fact!

nicknack9510 · 09/02/2015 22:09

My girls are 3 now and they have never spent the night away from me or my dp.

I don't feel comfortable with it and it wouldn't matter what anyone said, until I'm happy to leave them it won't happen.

Children can build close relationships without spending the night with other people.

odoneel · 09/02/2015 22:10

It's really tough when it's your first , and you have grandparents also very excited. I gave into a lot, that I don't think I should have ( I sort of feel cheated out of just being able to do what I wanted.) if we have another I would be more self-assured and more insistent and less comprising; but I also think that MIL knows and gets that. It's a learning curve for everyone, but I do regret not being more assertive in the early days

Chippednailvarnish · 09/02/2015 22:13

Your DP needs to deal with his mother. Do not engage with any of her ridiculous ideas.

redcaryellowcar · 09/02/2015 22:13

There is no necessity for baby to stay away from you at all. Politely ignore your mil (or anyone else who gives you unsolicited parenting advice, of which there will be a lot!)
I'd ignore that she has bought lots of stuff, you didn't ask her to, so totally loopy to do so imho?
Trust your instincts, that's the best parenting advice I was given and it's so important to do so!

Chottie · 09/02/2015 22:14

OP - Please stand firm and do not let your LO stay anywhere overnight until you and LO are ready.

p.s. I am speaking as a MiL :)

tellmemore1982 · 09/02/2015 22:14

Tell her you're bf until 1y + and that the baby wakes every night for a feed which is most definitely completely normal and not to be questioned as all your NCT friends' babies do the same of course

One of the best things I found about bf around family is that it have me an excuse to go and sit quietly in a room and get away from things for 20 mins!

Good luck, try to channel her excitement in a way that works for all of you.

Original poster

Pop54 · 09/02/2015 22:45

Thanks for the replies everyone. I do know I will have part from him when I go back to work part time after my maternity, but the thought of doing it when he's a few weeks old is really overwhelming. I just hope it doesn't cause too many arguments. She keeps saying trust her we will want the break but if i will be anything like how my sister was I think I will be quite protective.

OP posts:

CuddlesfromChickens · 09/02/2015 22:52

She can but what she likes - you get decide what happens to your child.

Of course it is important for children to bond with their Grandparents but an overnight stay is in no way required.

My DC have excellent relationships with both sets of GPs, neither set babysat until 6months and they didn't have them overnight until 3yo.

AlpacaLypse · 09/02/2015 22:53

When are you planning to restart work after having your baby?

TheGirlAtTheRockShow · 10/02/2015 00:37

Both sets of grandparents have a cot at their house, but we live a 4 hour drive away. The cots are for when we all visit as a family.
DD is 7 months, and has not spent a night away from us yet. My parents have looked after her for a couple hours while DH and I went out for a meal, but she was already in bed and not due a feed.
Your baby, you decide when you are comfortable leaving it!

florentina1 · 10/02/2015 08:44

I am a Gmother to 7 and I think your MiL is heading for trouble with her talk of her rights.
At a time when you have enough things to consider, she is trying to put herself before you and the baby.

You have to use this time to be quietly assertive. You do not have to justify yourself to her, or explain why the baby will not be staying. Thiese women make me so angry with their boossom hoiking and Granny knows best attitude.

Please don't allow her to engage you in conversation about this ever. Quietness and silence will show her you cannot be bullied.

squizita · 10/02/2015 10:10

Buying a cot? Rights?

I come from 2 cultures big on extended families but she sounds something else.

Agree with PP who say be quietly assertive.

A GP who comes to you and helps is a wonderful bonus. One who expects you to deliver the baby to them all the time/too early isn't. I'd expect more empathy as being a parent she must remember the intensity of the mum/baby relationship.
Plenty of time for sleeping over when bubs is a little older!

squizita · 10/02/2015 10:12

Tellmemore I've used terrifying poonami tales to get out of things when people get pushy!

tellmemore1982 · 10/02/2015 12:32

Squiz I will remember that this time around!! Due dc2 in 3 weeks ??

squizita · 10/02/2015 12:34

Phrases like "right up the back" and "filled the bouncy chair" work wonderfully ...

yellowsnownoteatwillyou · 10/02/2015 12:40

My mil bought a cot and filled her house full of baby stuff.before ds was born.
Numerous other family members of dh were saying they would baby sit as well, it pissed me right off.
He's 18months, the longest he's been there without either parent is about an hour, they used to live 10mins walk away before we moved.
The reality of a baby when it arrives and the way you deal with it seems to make a difference.
My mil soon realised, she had no idea what to do with him when he was here and has never asked to have him overnight, nor have we asked.

tomatoplantproject · 10/02/2015 12:41

I would just quietly do my own thing. We didn't leave dd overnight until she was over 1, and then we have grandparents come to stay with us so dd is in her own home - she hasn't yet stayed in a different house without us. Also, I tend to have my parents do things first and if that works out well I will ask my in laws for the next time.

elelfrance · 10/02/2015 13:32

a good way to start off is for the 3 of you to stay over at MILs togethera few times...this will allow you to see how you feel about leaving baby. You can also gradually build up, leave him/her 10 mins while you pop to the shop, a half an hour to go for a walk, and so on.
speaking only for myself, i was glad to leave DD (pfb) for a little while and get a break, and building up gradually was a good way to go about it

Babyfriend · 10/02/2015 13:41

Hi Pop54,
I have looked after many new mums and not a single one of them would have been happy even thinking about letting baby sleep over until baby was much older.
I know now is the time when you are really starting to worry about the birth and baby's arrival but you really need to try and relax and look forward to it, not stress over this.
I know that is easier said than done, but there are ways to diffuse the subject by saying "Yes, of course baby can stay over when he/she is older and settled " Keep it vague and open ended so as not to get her back up or discourage her enthusiasm because you want everything to be as lovely and happy as possible.
When baby is born be sure to include MIL, and encourage her to hold him/her....in your home and on your terms, and talk about all the lovely times baby and Granny will have 'when baby is older'. Make MIL feel special...but don't allow anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.
I must admit that the phrase 'you will wrap baby in cotton wool' rings alarm bells as MIL is already sounding judgemental and insensitive., Your partner must be warned and ready to be the buffer between you and MIL if she is upsetting you with such comments as after the birth you will be vulnerable and extra sensitive so it will be his job to keep her in check (as nicely as possible).
It might be worth making it clear that visitors will be welcome at set times and for short durations lol
Good luck for the birth :-)

vortexshedding · 10/02/2015 13:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NerrSnerr · 10/02/2015 13:51

My baby is 5 months and I don't feel ready to leave her overnight yet. She's still breastfed and still wakes at night. Tell your husband to set her straight.

Flip

1 2