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Parenting

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Original poster

Mother in law

45 replies

Pop54 · 09/02/2015 21:54

Hi all,
Im pregnant with my first and due in five weeks and just wanted advice really about how you feel about the first time letting someone else look after your baby. I'm not planning on palming my little one off and think I will be a nervous wreck. My mil on many occasions mentions she has already bought her own cot and car seat etc and wants him over at hers as soon as possible. I told my partner that I didn't want her to get her hopes up and buy all these things expecting her to have the baby all the time. He told her this to which she replied I'm the grand mother and I have a right to have my grand child stay over. Don't get me wrong I love that she's excited and cares as its her first grandchild. Also I understand its important for everyone in the family to bond with the baby. I also don't want to wrap the baby up in cotton wool, as she puts it. I just wanted to know how everyone else was with their first baby? Were you protective? When did you feel comfortable letting someone else look after them?

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namechangeafternamechange · 10/02/2015 17:13

Hmm the story reminds me of when I was pregnant......the reality was VERY different!!

All through pregnancy and mat leave MIL spouted much about having DS when ever needed, would look after him so we could still have time as a couple. She bought all the stuff your MIL has. I kept saying 'no I would never expect that' 'there's no need' etc etc....

He's nearly 3 now and she has never used any of the stuff she bought but that's a whole other thread and acts almost the opposite of how I was fearing she would!!

namechangeafternamechange · 10/02/2015 17:15

Oh and my ds had his first sleepover at my DM's house (we were NC when ds was born) 4 weeks ago. We never felt the time was right before that!

notquitegrownup2 · 10/02/2015 17:19

Smile and nod and politely ignore - as namechange says, sometimes the reality isn't the same as they expect

She keeps saying trust her we will want the break. Could you smile and say "Maybe, but we would much rather have your support, as we learn how to do this parenting stuff."

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lomega · 10/02/2015 20:39

Grandparents legally have no rights so that's bollocks that she has 'a right to have my grandchild stay over'. No she doesn't. She sounds like an entitled, yet over excited, grandmother. I think you need to be honest with her and make sure you have 100% backup from your partner. Say you will not be letting anyone babysit your child until you're ready because YOU are the mother, nobody else.

I had to say this to my own MIL lately and she didn't like it (think 'but he's MY family too') but sorry, do what is best for your child and what you are comfortable with - not what other people pressure you into!

NickyEds · 10/02/2015 21:06

Your MIL has no rights and very little sense if she's talking to the mother of her grandchild like this.
I let my ds stay over night with my sister when he was 4 months old. I was still bf but ds was sleeping through and I was totally comfortable leaving him with her. I think that's quite early really. My sister is still the only person I've ever left him with though (he's 14 months now). I'm a SAHM so no childcare and GPs live quite a long way away and as lovely as they are I just don't feel DS knows them well enough to stay with them, even for a short time. I don't see myself as very over protective pfb sort but I'm very, very nervous about leaving him when I have his baby brother or sister in a few months time. You just don't know how you'll feel until the time comes.

Tell your DH to have a word with his mother. She need to wind her neck in.

Katekoom · 11/02/2015 00:50

MILs shudders... Best of luck to you.

ruth1104 · 11/02/2015 05:37

If youre planning on breastfeeding its a fantastic excuse to never leave your lo with anyone until you really want to! i was surprised by how protective/territorial i feel about my ds, even leaving him with my mum in the next room while i had a nap was challenge to begin with. im learning that those instincts are important and you dont have to ignore them. plus you have every right to 'wrap your baby in cotton wool' - theyre yours and theyre just a baby!

mrsmugoo · 11/02/2015 12:27

Both our parents have got a car seat and a cot, it's been handy for staying at theirs altogether as a family and the car seat is handy for when I don't have access to our car.

However he's only been for one week on his own with grandparents so far and that was age 10 months - he sleeps through the night, is off the boob and eats well.

No WAY would he or I have been happy for him to go as a little baby.

rosedavo · 17/02/2015 17:21

My babys not even born yet and my mil already told me they are having baby once every week...i was like wtf my decision and got told the same "you will need the break...dont wrap them in cotton wool" i feel so offended but my husband doesnt seem to get it either...im at a loss at what to do!

Brandysnapper · 17/02/2015 17:24

My mil bought a cot etc. She didn't even have a smoke alarm so no way was the lo staying overnight without us! He's 6 now and has never stayed without us. It's not compulsory.

seaoflove · 17/02/2015 17:28

I just don't understand grandparents who buy their own cots and car seats unprompted

peppapigonaloop · 17/02/2015 17:32

I find it so weird that grandparents would assume and demand that they will have sleepovers/babysit from an early age.. I've obviously been lucky that my parents/ILs would never dream of being so rude (plus they know I'm a total bitch if crossed

But seriously nip this in the bud. Or actually get DH to..
Your baby your rules! I didn't leave pfb in the evening for months and she has no rights to anything..that kind of pushy behaviour makes me so cross on your behalf!

wheresthelight · 17/02/2015 17:35

in my case it was my mum doing this op so you have my sympathy!!

dd is 18 months and still never spent a night away from me. she may have to at the end of this month as I have a work thing both do and I are expected to attend but I am planning currently on escaping about 10!

as everyone has said do what feels right and if you breastfeed then it's going to be 6-9 months if not longer depending on how night feeding goes

Clobbered · 17/02/2015 17:52

I think the key thing here is that you can agree with her that he can stay over "as soon as possible" - but you get to define when that is, and it might be 3 months, 3 years or the 3rd of never. Try not to stress out now. My ILs have wound me up so badly so many times over similar issues. From experience I know that at least half of the threatened events never happen anyway. She's got the rose-tinted glasses on, and has forgotten what the reality of a tiny baby is like. She'll soon remember and wise up when he arrives. Remember at all times - your baby, your rules, no exceptions.

glenthebattleostrich · 17/02/2015 18:07

A cautionary tale...

My mother bullied (and that's being kind to her) my DSIL throughout her pregnancies and on the early years of the children's lives. She had both children to stay from when they were 2 weeks old, fed the children solid foods stupidly early (mashed potato with gravy at 2.5 months old), was generally vile and demanding. I truely believe she was the major cause of DSILs PND (or her being mental, yes she said that to sils face the cow) and almost cost DSIL her marriage thanks to DBro not stepping up.

It has seriously backfired on my mother. DBro barely tolerates her after finally growing a pair.

Youngest bro allows her almost as much say, though is pulling back because dneice is developing mental health issues, not totally unrelated. His eldest doesn't particularly like my mother and his youngest calls her mean Nana.

Mother expected to be able to treat my DSis and I the same and as a result she sees my DD 3 - 4 times per year and is closely supervised. She sees my DSis's children 8 - 10 times per year. We make minimal effort for my dads sake.

My mother's behaviour has cost her the relationship with most of her children and grandchildren.

Sorry for the essay but I can't abuse these women who try to take over. A grandparent / child relationship is a wonderful thing. DD has a wonderful friendship with my MIL.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this is your baby. You grew her so do things at your pace.

MojaveWanderer123 · 17/02/2015 19:20

Grandparents are supposed to make things easier not stress you out.
My mum was desperate to look after a baby again but she just waited patiently until I was ready. My mil was the same.
I can't believe your mil is claiming rights to a grandchild that's not even born yet it's so weird.

Let your dh deal with it and make sure he knows to tell her it's your way or the highway!

blushingmare · 17/02/2015 21:10

My mum got very excited when DD was born and bought all the stuff and even decorated and kitted out a room for her at their house! DD didn't stay over at their's without me til she was sleeping through the night, around 16mo. I doubt they'd have wanted her when she would wake up three times a night screaming for boob though

She is probably really excited and wants to be involved. If you want mil to feel involved and maintain a good relationship then maybe you could go and stay with her with them baby - say you need a break - actually if mil is nice and supportive this would be a nice break for you! Also, baby could nap in her cot if you're there during the day etc. I have to say it's great having so much stuff at my mum's because I don't have to pack anything when we go to visit them, which is brilliant when it's hard enough getting yourself and baby out of the house, even just for a day trip!

If you think she's an interfering old hag, then quite frankly she has no "rights" to have baby staying with her, so it's tough really.

Rosieliveson · 17/02/2015 21:28

When I was pregnant my Mil kept hinting that she had all the equipment, was an excellent baby sitter, couldn't wait to take him on hols!!, etc etc. I worried about it a lot as she can be quite overbearing. The day my DS came out of hospital, she asked about when she'd be having him. I said it wouldn't be until I (and DS) was ready. She asked a few (hundred) times and I just repeated my answer. He's 18 months and still hasn't spent the night away from us. Mil has stopped asking now.

My advice would be to try and let it wash over you. When it come to it, this is your baby and you have the final decision. Don't spend your pregnancy worrying about this.

olivesnutsandcheese · 18/02/2015 07:58

I think you will struggle to hand over your baby to his DGPs even when they first come to visit - let alone all this overnight bullish*t. Try not to think about it too much, the most life-changing event is going to happen soon. Focus on having a calm birth (as far as possible) and everything will fall into place. No-one leaves their tiny baby overnight with anyone unless they really need to. Even putting them down to go to the loo can be a challenge
MIL is clearly deranged with excitement, harness this enthusiasm in a productive way to get help in the early days (food prep, housework, help with nappy explosions) and some baby sitting at your house for an hour or two when you need a haircut etc.

My DS stayed with DM when he was 11 months old for the first time. I stopped bfing at 8 months. He hasn't stayed over since as he could climb out of the cot and there were no stairgates. DM comes to us to babysit now. I would love DS to stay with DM and Pils but until he is less of an escape artist we'll all have to wait.

Good luck with your birth and enjoy your baby

twinterchangeable · 19/02/2015 12:02

She keeps saying trust her we will want the break.

My MIL said the same thing to me. My twins are 16 weeks old now and I haven't had a break, haven't found that I needed one. We've been firm - twins will not be having overnights with her at all (they co-sleep and I'm not comfortable with the idea of them sleeping in someone else's bed, with all the associated risks). She wanted to see the boys every day, but tough, they aren't her kids. She sees us all as a family in the middle of the week for an hour or so after my DP comes home from work and now that they are 4 months, she will have the boys to herself for two hours on a Saturday morning (we live 5 mins away from her so this isn't so bad). MIL relationships can be tricky, but at the end of the day, it's your child and your rules.

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