Before your DC were 1 year old, how much did your DH's actually do?

[whereisswampy]

We had a baby three months ago. DH is very keen for me to plan when we are going to try for more kids. I do want other babies eventually, but DH has really surprised me with how little he has done the past three months.

Admittedly there's not a huge amount he has been able to do. I am EBF-ing. I find it hard to express for him to give her milk, so I am around DD most of the time to feed her unless we have a babysitter. That's why things like changing her fall to me, because I am "around" and if I ask him to do it, he just stalls and I end up doing it anyway. I do all the night waking. I do most of the comforting while she's crying, the winding, settling etc. I change her and wash her clothes.

DH cuddles her when he's around for short bursts, and first thing in the morning, but passes her back to me for anything else. He is immensely proud of her but is not really engaged. He doesn't understand when I have a problem with feeding or scheduling. He doesn't get that if she sleeps all day she'll be up all night. The times I have left him with her and popped out, he hasn't followed instructions or engaged with her and just let her doze off in a chair without checking in on her.

Four evenings a week he goes and does his hobby (tennis,) so I sit with her all evening and put her to bed. The other evenings we go out for client dinners (I leave her for three hours which is the longest she'll go without a feed - and I rush back.)

At what point did your DHs become more involved? I can't imagine having another child because I feel like I'm doing it completely on my own.

He did nothing much until she was a good 18m, and then it wasn't much more. He was better at sabotaging what I was doing, especially if it related to establishing routines.

Dh did very little with all 3 dc, he did nappy changes and baths at weekends but up until they were walking and "more fun" I think he saw them as quite boring......

As much as me, except for feeding, from day 1.

Boring? Honestly, I don't find newborns that interesting myself - they're babies, not clowns. They still need to be fed and changed and cuddled.

Tbh DH does hardly anything very helpful. He works long hours, doesn't see the DC at all during the week, doesn't get home til gone 9pm, has a hobby that he spends a couple of hours a day on both days of the weekend. He does the toddler's bath and bedtime at the weekend, doesn't do anything with the baby really. He probably did a bit more with DD when she was a baby as she was our pfb, but still didn't do much. I do everything for the DC, including all the nights (unless I kick him out of bed to go to the toddler because I'm already in the middle of feeding the baby!) I do everything for the house, except he sometimes does the washing up.

Sometimes I get a bit pissed off and resentful, but then I think he works really hard and earns good money which means we can have a nice house and good quality of life etc. I guess that's his job and the DC and house is mine. Not a very modern relationship and I'm sure some will slate me for saying that, but in a way it kind of works for us like that. I used to get really cross and shitty with him about it, but now I've accepted it and that he's not going to change it's actually a lot easier to live with.

Reading the posts on here makes me feel like it's a bit crap and quite unusual, but in RL I know plenty of people who have this set up. Not saying it's wonderful, and we all have a bit of a moan at times, but I don't think it's that unusual.

Very little but ds was born in 1999 and dh worked in IT so he was doing a daft number of hours at work and when dd was born it worked better for dh to deal with ds and I dealt with dd.

Two children here. I breast fed them for well over a year ..
First DC my DH did everything when around. Including nappies, baths, washing cooking. I fed.
For my second DC, DH did everything for our eldest when around and then helped with the baby when he could.

My husband works full time and ddid/does loads with both our kids. He 'plays hard' too- out a couple of times a week and goes off on weekends with his mates sometimes, but that's fine with me because it's not oevrboard. We take night feeds/waking in turns- pretty much night about. On weekends it's an even split- both of us get time to go out on our own while the other takes the baby/older child. We split housework and I do a bit more but I'm at home all day so it's fine. When babies were tiny he cooked and did dishes and other light housework and he let me sleep when I needed to. Can you tell your husband that you need a bit of time to yourself? Maybe you could take up a hobby as well- one which requires that you';re not in the house. x

My dh does 50/50 split in terms of nappies, bath time and so forth. He feeds dd expressed milk from time to time.
He plays with her for fun often.
He helps with cooking abd cleaning.

Oh and why do you need to go for client dinners? DH is self employed and networks some evenings but would never drag me from the baby to these events!

Agree with Hazle, I don't find newborns that interesting either. Doesn't absolve me of responsibility for looking after them though.

OP your post about his work and paying for stuff ... my dh is similarly self employed.
There are some things money can't buy ... emotional needs.
A child isn't a new contract you can sub contract for more time and a wife isn't someone hired to look after the home/baby and look good.

The fact he pays someone to "fix" you physically but is totally unaware that your and dc's emotional wellbeing actually makes him sound sadder in my opinion.

And as I say my dh has a similar self employed, networking heavy, sometimes work at home type job.

He's held back on some work opportunities (they will come up again - not once in lifetime!) because this precious year once the bills are covered the most important thing to him is "building" his family.

TBH he sends you to a trainer and wheels you out 3 nights a week for clients dinners ... you're the mother of his baby not a glamour girl (not that there's anything wrong with being a glam mum ... If it's because you're being cared for and want to feel glam yourself).

Ok OP, you have tried really sweetly to paint a nice picture of your DP but actually, I think a few people will have read this and just thought "what a dick". If he is serious about working from home, ask him what time his working day ends. From that point, you are both on baby duty. That means three nights minimum a week, he is on baby duty, so that precludes him going out on those nights, unless he is willing to bring baby along. When you hear him rustling in the fridge, he is clearly having a break from his very busy job and can afford the extra nanosecond to bring you a cuppa and a biscuit and even prop your pillow up. You don't need a massage and a personal trainer, you need a daddy! Also, if he needs to go to the loo when you asked him to be on duty after a whole day with baby, tell him to put the baby in the cot and don't take him on yourself! Let him cry until daddy comes back! That's what you would have to do in the day! I always laughed when my husband would say, I need to do xyz, and say "well how do you think I do it while you're not here? Figure it out!" Nothing like a baby's cry to get you out of the toilet fast ;-) good luck, the early days are really hard sometimes.

Have you though about booking a regular weekend activity for your DP and baby to do together? My DP took my DS swimming from 8 weeks. They would only allow 1 parent in the changing room which was ace as I meant my DP had to take the lead and deal with nappies, crying etc without being able to pass the baby to me. Really think it helped them bond and also it massively grew his confidence in looking after DS.

The men that work outside the home and then don't do any childcare are complete losers

My DH did very little with DD when she was very young. She was a high needs baby, velcroed to my breasts and a very poor sleeper so it made sense for me to do most things.

Fast forward to DS who is a very chilled baby, good sleeper, fast breast feeder who doesn't use the breast for comfort and guess what? DH still does nothing with him. DS is very easy to,distract and keep happy but all DH does is hold him while he grumbles and cries as DH texts on his phone - it really bugs me. DH says babies are boring, but surely in that case I need more help not less because I have a brain too!

I really don't understand people who work full time and then spend all evenings out, either with hobbies or partying. I guess they must be vaguely aware that there are some little people living in the house, but that's about it, no?

Hazle if the DC are asleep in the evenings then it makes no difference whether their parent is in the house or someone else is babysitting... I agree though that I don't understand parents who think they are entitled to carry on their hobbies and social life from pre-DC without considering the impact on their children/spouse.

Completely agree with what TheOddity said. You need some time "off duty" and DH needs some time in sole charge.

sure - the OP says though that "Four evenings a week he goes and does his hobby (tennis,) so I sit with her all evening and put her to bed" - so at least in this case, the dad could get home and spend some time with his baby, before she goes to bed.

DH does more when I get out of the way. That isn't easy as the start, especially if you are EBF. Time will help this, but it is also about noticing how often you step in, daring to leave him to it (including leaving him to fail). You can start this in little ways now.

I think there's two parts to this:

1. Pointing out how little he does now, and what he can do that isn't about feeding. However you may have more success when the feeds start to space out (onces you get to food, around 6 months etc) then
2. Leave him to it. For a morning, then a whole day, then a couple of days. I went away for the weekend when DD was 9 months old (I was and still am EBF, though i found expressing ok - not easy, but ok). A longer stretch will teach him why the letting them sleep all day thing matters- he'll be the one up all night! DH also did one day a week for hte first three months when I went back to work. This didn't come easily to him (he works in corporate finance, very macho culture, real men don't do that etc) but it was part of our deal and I held him to it. It was great for him, DD, and me.

Now at 20 months we are in a very different place. I am still breast feeding. For us, sometimes when things were tough for me DH would blame it on that. It is only recently that i have called him out on this, pointing out that there are so many things he could be doing which would make things better for me, that he wasn't doing now, so it really wasn't clear why that would suddenly get better if i stopped breast feeding.

We have had a phase where I have highlighted unfairness every time it comes up (e.g. him sleeping in at the weekends. His view has been it's not his fault i can't sleep in the mornings. True. But i should get one mornign to do what i want with, go for a swim or whatever. Now I do).

And the more time he spends with her, the more he sees what she needs etc.

Tell him you're not having another until a) you feel better and b) he steps up with the one you have. And that b) will bring a) around faster.

being out four nights a week is not on.

DH did just as much as me probably more except breast feeding. But if I am being honest, he was much keener to be a parent than I was so it all came very naturally to him - he travelled a lot for his work but when he was home he loved every minute of being with our DC (still does) - I am the one that has evenings and weekends out .

But it doesn't really matter what other people do - you need to decide what is right in your relationship.

My DH did pretty much bugger all with our DC when they were babies! I was shocked at how disinterested he was. I EBF so he didn't need to get involved with feeding, but if I ever pumped some milk and gave him the baby and a bottle he wasn't bothered. If I handed him one of them for a snuggle I'd find he'd parked him in the bouncer after a minute or two. It made me angry and upset on many an occasion.

Once they started walking and especially talking though, things began to change and I noticed that once both boys got to about 2-3 years old he was suddenly interested in building a relationship with them and treating them like little people. Now that DS2 is fast approaching 4-years-old its great. They both love to accompany him on his errands and he's happy to take along one or both of them, he takes DS1 camping, he does maths with them (his motto is 'You can never do enough maths' ), and generally we've settled into a much happier stage of life. I guess he is just one of those men who doesn't 'do' babies.

I think you need to find a balance that works for you guys as a couple ... but that said, make a conscious effort to let him/encourage him/make him do more than you describe!

It is tempting to swoop in and deal with baby if you are doing more of it, because you will be more experienced and slick at it (especially in the early days and during maternity leave) but he needs to learn and gain the experience and confidence to do it. And if he errs on the side of laziness, then why wouldn't he sit back and let you do all the work?!?!

My DH has been brilliant, and we made a decision that he would change his working hours and stay at home one weekday a week when I went back to work. This way we both get time off in the week with the children, and his relationship with them is great because of it. He does do things differently to me (but who says my way is best!), the children's outfits sometimes make me laugh inside when I get home from work and I'm sure he gives in to CBeebies more than I do, but the kids are safe and happy and I am really pleased with the positive male role model he is giving both of them.

It is still early days for you guys, but means you can change his mindset now before it is too late. And once baby is more in a routine with feeding etc, why don't you get DH to stay home of an evening, and you go out!