Before your DC were 1 year old, how much did your DH's actually do?

[whereisswampy]

We had a baby three months ago. DH is very keen for me to plan when we are going to try for more kids. I do want other babies eventually, but DH has really surprised me with how little he has done the past three months.

Admittedly there's not a huge amount he has been able to do. I am EBF-ing. I find it hard to express for him to give her milk, so I am around DD most of the time to feed her unless we have a babysitter. That's why things like changing her fall to me, because I am "around" and if I ask him to do it, he just stalls and I end up doing it anyway. I do all the night waking. I do most of the comforting while she's crying, the winding, settling etc. I change her and wash her clothes.

DH cuddles her when he's around for short bursts, and first thing in the morning, but passes her back to me for anything else. He is immensely proud of her but is not really engaged. He doesn't understand when I have a problem with feeding or scheduling. He doesn't get that if she sleeps all day she'll be up all night. The times I have left him with her and popped out, he hasn't followed instructions or engaged with her and just let her doze off in a chair without checking in on her.

Four evenings a week he goes and does his hobby (tennis,) so I sit with her all evening and put her to bed. The other evenings we go out for client dinners (I leave her for three hours which is the longest she'll go without a feed - and I rush back.)

At what point did your DHs become more involved? I can't imagine having another child because I feel like I'm doing it completely on my own.

DS is 4 months and DH does a lot and has since the start when he was getting fed more often.

During the week he'd sit up to feed DS at 11/12 to let me sleep from 9 until 3ish then I'd do those feeds. At weekends we just alternated throughout the day and night or sometimes he'd get both night feeds to let me sleep.

I tend to do dinner to let him spend time with DS when he's home from work as he does feel that he misses out. He likes dressing him on weekend mornings as that's when DS is smiliest!

He plays football for an hour 2 evenings and for a match early Saturday morning which I'm fine with as he enjoys it and he gave up season ticket to football so is about all weekend.

DP did a lot, probably too much in retrospect given how hard he was working at the time. He used to try & get home from work by 6.30 (pre-DC was rarely home before 7.30) at which point, if I was feeding, he'd bring me tea, chocolates etc or, if I wasn't feeding, he'd take DD and give her a bath and then bring her to me for another feed whilst he then cooked dinner. When DD was unsettled at going down in the evening (most nights from about 3mths) he would usually be in charge of trying to settle her which could take up to an hour.

He never did anything during the night as DD was ebf so there wasn't much he could do and, if I was up anyway, it seemed silly to insist on him doing a nappy change or something. DD used to feed at 11am 2am 4am and 6.30am at that sort of age but from 6.30am would be awake for a bit so, once she'd fed, DP would make me a cup of tea & bring me breakfast in bed whilst DD played next to us. When she fell back asleep around 8am, I popped her into the moses basket and rolled over and went back to sleep myself.
I do think a lot of fathers get better when the DC are a bit older and doing a bit more.

My then-DH did the same kind of thing as yours, OP. He loves his son, but all the time he was tiny, regarded him as a kind of doll - something to be proud of in the abstract, and play with when he felt like it, but hand back when anything practical had to be done.

We're now divorced. This is not unrelated.

I do think a lot of fathers get better when the DC are a bit older and doing a bit more

I don't think the fathers get better, per se, just the kids get easier to deal with, and more interesting from the fathers' point of view.

My DP does not only look after our DS (6m) when DS is 'interesting'. Neither of us is off duty until everything is done and the baby is asleep. There are a few things that I prefer a certain way: I like to cook in the evenings while they play together, I take most night wakings since I'm BF and want him to be able to provide emotional support when I'm tired exhausted. You should both end up with the same amount of leisure time, and in the case of four nights a week off, the numbers simply don't add up... As others say, he really is missing out. My DP and DS have a wonderful relationship, it's lovely to see.

I never fail to be amazed by how many women put up with their partners doing less than they should!

I also gave a bottle of formula to allow for a block of sleep in the early days.

Dh works long hours (as do I! ) & has a hobby. When on mat leave I did all night stuff between 11pm & morning.

When dh got home he looked after ds whilst I cooked or vice versa. We then either cleaned the downstairs/kitchen or did the bedtime routine with ds. We tend to take this in turns.

At the weekends dh did one whole night & one morning. He'd do the other night if I needed it.

When I was back at work the sleepless nights were 50/50.

The hobby is one evening & Saturday afternoons. Sunday is family time. Saturday am I used to have to myself whilst dh took ds food shopping.

It's teamwork and if you don't work together your resentment will take over.

DD is seven months old, and our first baby. She was born by EMCS, and for the first three days of her life I didn't change a nappy, as midwives did a couple and DH did all the others. I have no idea about meconium nappies!

She is breastfed, but for every feed for a long time (excepting when he was at work), DH would be there to help me arrange cushions, bring drinks, and generally cheerlead me through the pain of establishing feeding.

We coslept for the best part of six months as DD refused to sleep on her own, so DH had her on his side of the bed for the first half of the night, passing her to me for feeds as necessary.

He changes nappies. He gets her dressed/undressed, gives her baths, reads her stories, sings and dances with her, and plays peekaboo and other silly games. He prepares and freezes purées for her meals, and feeds her solids now that we are weaning.

Basically, aside from breastfeeding, he does the same things I do. He only does less than I do because he's at work all day. There has never been an instance of him not following my instructions, because I don't give him any. We talk about what tactics we've each used to comfort/settle her, or games we've played, so we can each benefit from the other's experience.

Oh, and he cooks dinner almost every night, because DD often gets ratty in the late afternoon - prime time for when I'd like to be doing dinner prep - so I have to be dealing with her.

Your DH needs to sort his act out, OP - your baby is his as well, and he needs to recognise that that makes him responsible. You are in it together, and that means work and play for you both. He doesn't just get to do the fun bits.

Thread hijack (I think we've established that DP needs to join us in the 21st century) - evil how did you stop the cosleeping?

Hi Alice :) At about six months we were finding that we weren't getting as much sleep as previously - DD would fidget in her sleep and wake us up, and also we were much more worried about her rolling out of bed. So we bit the bullet and started putting her down in her own cot in her own room at nights - for the first three or four nights she'd wake up quite quickly and then we'd bring her in with us, but before a week had gone by she was settling in her own bed for the whole night. It's more disruptive in that we have to get up to settle/feed her (I miss the ease of feeding her in bed!), but so nice to have a bit of alone time with her asleep upstairs before we go to bed, and my sleep quality has improved now I'm not staying stock still curled around the baby.

I think it was mostly just timing, to be honest - DD was ready to be on her own, so it wasn't too traumatic for any of us. Interestingly, DD now turns on to her front while she's asleep, so I wonder if that was part of why she was fidgeting so much in our bed - not having the room to move etc.

There is much more of a routine than previously too, which might be helping - dinner, brush teeth, bath, milk feed (unless she stuffed herself at teatime), bed. We use Ewan the Dream Sheep too, so there's always the same godawful harp music at sleep time. No idea if that actually helps, but it can't hurt!

Good luck

After hearing all your stories, I'm not sure if I'm being fair on him.

He works for himself and works very hard. He has a lot of self drive. I think maybe things seem more unfair to me because he is at home working (his office is in the house) and I can hear him talking on the phone or getting a snack from the fridge, while I am trying to arrange breastfeeding pillows and holding a screeching dd, or trying to hook up the breast pump while trying to keep dd upright after a feed (as she's a bit refluxy.) At times like this I call him from the other room and say "can you just take dd while I hook up this breast pump/arrange the changing table/get a muslin." And he says "no I have to do X,Y or Z VERY urgently."

On the flip side, he makes a decent amount of money from working so hard and for so long, and pays for me to have frequent massages and a personal trainer who comes to the house and then pays for a babysitter while I am doing this. He also offers for me to get a maternity nurse whenever I want. But again, he could do many of the things a maternity nurse would do for me. Plus I don't want a maternity nurse.

I agree he's missing out. It's odd because I really genuinely thought, and would have said to anyone, that he would be a 'get his hands dirty' kind of Dad.

Thanks evil - the fidgeting sounds very familiar! I will give it a go.

Why do you talk as if he's treating you by financing a babysitter etc? Surely it's family money and you should have equal access to it and equal spending money. Anything less is totally unfair.

Just because he works hard doesn't mean you aren't. Yes if he's working at home he shouldn't be disturbed really the same as if he was working at an office elsewhere but it doesn't give him a free pass to sod off 4 nights a week and not do anything else.

You're being too soft on him.

It's all very well though OP but it doesn't sound like a shared experience, which is sort of the point of having a baby together. He also sounds like he might just throw money at problems you have in the future, rather than helping you with the tough bits of parenting. I'm sure he loves you both very much, and he might have no idea how to do the dad thing properly, but he needs to be willing to try.

I think expecting him to stop working to come and help you arrange your pillows is unfair on him. If his office were elsewhere, you'd just have to get on with it, wouldnt you?
Speaking as someone who works from home sometimes, it doesn't mean you can just drop in and out when you want, you have to be disciplined and set boundaries between working and not.
That post paints a very different picture from your opening post.

Sorry but the fact that he works hard during working hours, makes money and offers to pay for staff doesn't take away from the fact that he's not doing his share in his non working hours.

I agree he shouldn't be expected to come running during working hours - if he's genuinely busy working - but when the working hours are over he should be doing at least 50% (and probably more since he's getting more chance than you for breaks in the day and more sleep I bet).

I also can't get my head around the idea that he can get up and get himself a snack but not offer to get you a snack or drink? sounds a bit shitty to me...

to answer your question: DH worked long hours so didn't do much in the day but got home as quick as he could and did all the cooking, washing up, laundry. At first he didn't do anything at night but once dd would take a bottle he did an 11pm feed so I could get to bed early and sleep. he did quite a few early mornings too. Oh and he earns a lot too and would have paid for babysitters maternity nurses etc, but we both wanted him looking after his dd not a stranger.

I'm quite cross on your behalf OP - seems like he thinks he can outsource his fatherhood duties?

Mine wasn't that keen to spend time with the baby in the early days (think he was probably a bit nervous and baby wasn't very interactive) but changing nappies was his job if he was around (not at night). However he did do all the cooking and shopping and a lot of sorting out/buying things we needed online.

He's now actively keen to spend time with the baby.

I agree that four nights on your own is too much - mine was out two nights a week and I thought that was quite a lot in the early days when I never really had a break from the baby.
I think if we have another one it will be easier to negotiate a bit more in advance as we will have a better idea what to expect. And we will also know that it does get easier: it's not a case of your DH giving up his hobby, just temporarily cutting down until, for example, baby goes to bed earlier and sleeps better.

DD is 15 months now but has been involved from the start. I was EBF but feeding was the only thing he couldn't do! He winded and settled during the night after feeds, changed every single nappy on paternity leave and cuddled/played when not at work. He didn't know as much about routines/schedules as he was out at work all day. He knows her nap and meal times now though. Now expecting DC2 and hoping he will be just as hands on!

Totally involved from the start, thankfully.

Although if he's working, he's working. You shouldn't really be asking him to help you plump up pillows.

4 nights of tennis a week is a pisstakerz

DH did pretty much nothing, and even now DS is 8 he doesn't do very much for him. I do all homework, reading etc.

This was the reason that we only had one child. I gave DH fair warning that not helping with the first meant no other kids, but I don't think he took me seriously!

I think he has missed out, but at the moment he doesn't see it.

I ebf our twins four years ago, and am currently ebf our 8 week old.

To be honest, when the babies are little, I have done everything for them on a day to day (and night to night!) basis, though DH would do the odd nappy change/burp/cuddle and took them out for an hour in the pram on Sunday mornings so I could soak in the bath. But the other 99.9% of the time, babies were/are my responsibility. This was a natural situation to me - he wasn't here between 6am and 8pm Monday to Friday, and I was the only one who could feed them.

DH picked up a lot more of the 'other' responsibilities in the home though. I did/do what I could during the day, which often wasn't very much when at home with the twins, and DH picked up the rest when he got home/at the weekend. At the time, I thought he resented the extra work and thought I was slacking during the week, but in hindsight, I was projecting my own concerns and guilt. I thought I shod be AE to run a ship-shape house, cook from scratch, feed and raise new twins, and do lots of maternity leave activities! In hindsight I can see that that was a bit ambitious!

During the last eight weeks, again baby is my responsibility. Partly because I'm breastfeeding again, but also because I am at home day and night and get used to being responsible, while DH is back at work 6am to 8pm again. I can't stop planning/thinking about/listening for baby, and equally DH can't just turn on that focus for two hours when he gets home! So again, I am doing baby, and DH has to pick up what I can't do. He is very very hands on with the older two (the twins he had little responsibility for during their first year!) - getting up for them in the night, sorting their breakfast at the weekend, taking them out for a few hours at the weekend so baby and I can sleep (ha ha! I wish baby would sleep on demand!).

I have rambled. But I think my message is that I basically do our babies almost unaided. But that doesn't mean DH does nothing, because he earns money, cooks, cleans, shops and entertains older children.

From your post on here, two things really stand out to me:

Firstly, he works from home, which I can imagine drives you mad when he won't just hold this or fetch that. But he is working - if he was out working in an office he couldn't help. Personally I think you need to stop asking him to help with baby in the day (though he could maybe stck the dishwasher while the kettle boils for his tea?!).

Secondly, there is the tennis four nights a week. I read on here once that it is futile to try and work out who does more/less domestic chores/work by looking at the chores - much easier to look at the amount of free time each person gets. So I would tackle your husband from that perspective - you need equal time 'off' even though you're unlikely to go out during yours because you need to be on hand to bf. If he has a night out doing tennis, maybe you'd like a night in without responsibility for baby (have a bath, read a book, sleep, paint your toes, pop out for a run ...). He is being very unreasonable if he won't facilitate that on an equal basis, though I guess he is absolving himself of it by offering to pay a babysitter.

Just a thought but if DH is willing to pay for maternity nurse etc would it help if DH used that money instead to hire some office space for at least some of his working time? Maybe this would help him need less time away in the evening and would stop either him or you expecting him to help with the baby while he's working?

So you go out for dinner 3 times a week and have a babysitter when your personal trainer / massage person comes? That's shed loads of time away from a 4 month old. Your DH might not engage but, tbf, you're not exactly collapsing under the relentlessness of it.

pottering along I'm not saying I'm collapsing from exhaustion. I'm saying that - given there's his child in the house - DH does nothing.

Last night prime example. Been with DD all day (from 7am.) At 9pm I asked DH to hold her to try and get her off to sleep. He was on his computer. He said sure. Then after 1 minute he said that he really needed the loo and passed her back to me. After 20 mins on the loo, he forgets that's what he was supposed to do, and goes back to his computer.

It sounds a bit like he doesn't know what to do or how to do it. Can he have a specific job? Bath time, for example would be something you could leave to him without needing to be involved (he might find it easier to do it without you watching) and has a specific time - he'd know then that, at 7pm say he had to bath dd every night and that was his job.