Yr 9 Son doesn't want to go to CCF camp! What would you do?

[gazzalw]

DS (14) is a typical computer-playing teen. Very reluctant to do anything but stay within his bedroom comfort zone. Also lacks confidence in his abilities and although he doesn't seem shy isn't wildly sociable either.

Has had the opportunity to do several out of school activities in the past but it's always 'but I'm no good' or 'I don't like it'. He had the opportunity to do a weekend drama club but he wasn't keen and his fallback option was school CCF.

However a term and a half in, faced with a half-term camp, he's suddenly come home saying he not only doesn't want to go on the camp but that he wants to quit CCF.

He's got himself all worked up about it to the point of teen hysteria. I think he's scared because it's going to be physically hard work (and he's not very sporty) and none of his close group of friends is going. So it's a knee-jerk reaction about being out of his comfort zone.

We don't want him to quit - the reason for encouraging him to do it in the first place was to do with the discipline and getting out of his comfort zone.

It is an important life lesson to work thro' the pain of not wanting to do something (but then inevitably finding it turns out to be much better than anticipated) but how do you get this thro' to a teenager?

If this is the club he chose, then he should go to camp as it is only 4 days. does he have any specific worries? I agree CCF not for everyone, but presumably he chose it and has been okay wIth it up to now. And yes, getting out of your comfort zone is a necessary part of growing and learning.

As a cadet instructor I have seen this many times before, and I think the issue is probably down to a lack of friends in the CCF. How long has he been a member?

It could go two ways really: He could go to camp and end up having a good time and making some friends (this is what usually happens) or he could go and hate every minute and not make any friends because he has already decided that he won't.

Is this the first time he would have gone away with the CCF?

Thanks to those of you who've answered constructively (but some of the comments read like an AIBU backlash!).

Yes, he did agree that he would do CCF and although he says it's a bit boring, I think he's kicking up a fuss at the 11th hour because a) it's four days away doing physical stuff etc...b) most of his school friends who started with him have dropped out - so the being isolated is an issue (although is school is small enough that he knows all the other boys in his year even if they're not close friends)

We don't see it as torture but as one of those getting out of your comfort zone and doing something you don't really want to do (but have to) rites of passage that come to all of us as we enter adulthood (and then for the rest of our lives!).

Thanks for your input Jeeves93 - we think that often things that you really don't want to do can turn out to be much more enjoyable than anticipated. I appreciate that it might go the other way for him but then at least he's done it and we will let him give it up.

But I'm not convinced that it's always a good thing to capitulate to children's demands. Moreover, with a younger sibling who very astutely takes everything in (and is very good at arguing their case!) and is very keen on 'fairness', can anticipate that there will be cries of "but he didn't have to do it so why should I?" in coming years

According to my spreadsheet , Gazzalw's son is at Sutton Grammar School - Gazza - do report my post if you think I'm taking liberties or this isn't right.

My DS was at SGS some years ago (he's 23 now). He was in the CCF from year 9 to (I think) 12, and is as far from being the gung-ho soldiery type as it is possible to be. His closest friends were not in the CCF, but he got on well with plenty of people there - as Gazza says it is a pretty small school and you get to know everyone. He loved the camps - even the ones where you had to make a bivvie under a tree (less keen in the rain but hey). The best fun camp is the summer one - they are so well organised and the activities are put on by professional soldiers. There was never any sense of recruitment into the armed forces - just plenty of opportunity to do exciting things.

So what am I saying here? I suppose I'm saying that my un-sporty, geeky, computer game loving lad enjoyed himself very much, and that Gazza's lad might too. If I were in Gazza's shoes, I'd go with "It's only 4 days - give it a go - you might be surprised"

PM me Gazza if you like.

All this 'rites of passage' stuff is rubbish. Just because you may see it as the norm doesn't mean it has continue to be done.

I'd also ask him if its making him anxious. If it is, do you really what to force it?

If you already paid money you can't back he should go. That's my rule of thumb.
You could offer a sweetener, like £5 for each day he stays and an extra £20 if he stays all 4 days (so that's £40 just go for going).

Otherwise, I don't have energy to make my kids do clubs & activities. I'm exhausted already from just getting them to school & the few activities they do want to do with enthusiasm.

DS does Cadets & absolutely loves it, is not that great at physical stuff. But helps if you're a bit of a Loon at heart.

I agree with Nimpy, give him the choice, if not this then something else. Just explain to him you think he would really benefit from challenging himself and expanding his horizons, but you understand if CCF is not his thing.

Update, he's agreed to go but is seeing if he can swap groups. The underlying anxiety seems to be about being in a group without any of his year group which is understandable.

We've told him that if he really doesn't like it after he's gone to the camp, he can give it up but only on the proviso that he takes up something else instead.

I stand by our view that sometimes you do have to do things in life that you're not keen on and 14 is old enough to start learning that lesson. Harsh but fair. It's too easy to always be given the opt-out option.

Good for him- I hope he has a great time and surprises himself.

Thanks CadmiumRed! Once he realised there was no wriggle-room he accepted it and no more fuss!

Update.

DS back safe and sound from camp and in a good mood. Obviously nowhere near as much of an ordeal as he'd 'bigged it up' to be and said the older boys (recall he had none of his year in his group) were perfectly friendly.

I do stand by our viewpoint that sometimes teens should be encouraged to do things they don't particularly want to pursue. Apathy is a teenage default setting for many!

Thanks for updating, gazalw. Glad it went well!