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Original poster

Did you make friends with other mums at baby and toddler groups?

50 replies

RedHeadandDesperate · 27/01/2015 12:15

My DD is now 3 years old, I have been going to various baby and toddler groups and classes since she was a few weeks old. I haven't made a single friend. DD loves the classes and always has fun, but I come away feeling absolutely miserable and lonely. I've never been very good at making friends, but I do try to strike up a conversation with the other ladies, but it never gets me anywhere and no one ever invites us to play at their house or for a coffee. I feel so awful for DD, she doesn't have any little friends to play with because I am incapable of making friends.
I am expecting DC2 this summer and I am terrified of having to go through it all again, going to these groups, to be sat on my own not talking to anyone, and to be so isolated and lonely in the early baby days.
Is there something wrong with me!? Am I trying too hard do you think? Has anyone else ever struggled to make friends with other mums?

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MincePieDiet · 27/01/2015 12:18

Do you ever instigate inviting someone to yours or for a coffee etc? This is a good way of trying out mum friends.

MincePieDiet · 27/01/2015 12:20

No there's nothing wrong with you. You just haven't met any mums you can connect with properly yet. In the end it took until my eldest was at preschool to make proper lasting friendships. Prior to that wS very superficial.

MincePieDiet · 27/01/2015 12:21

I think that by going to preschool you chat in the car park while waiting to drop off and collect etc. plus there are the birthday parties.

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MincePieDiet · 27/01/2015 12:21

Your 3 year old will get 15 hours funded.

Bowlersarm · 27/01/2015 12:28

No, I found baby and toddler groups very isolating. Normally a confident person, I found striking up conversations at these groups very, very hard.

My life changed when ds1 started nursery school. Lots of lovely people who I did make long term friends with.

iseenodust · 27/01/2015 12:32

No, not a one but I went to them for DS's benefit and probably gave off vibes that I was not thrilled to be there. However I was in the lucky position of making friends with other new mums in our village just through bumping into them pushing prams & always feeding the ducks.

Can you go to a class in the evening just for you (yoga/zumba/whatever) where you will meet people with a common interest and some of them will probably have preschool DC ?

GlitzAndGigglesx · 27/01/2015 12:32

I struggled connecting with the other mums too at these groups but once dd started nursery I speak to a few of the parents and sometimes meet up out of school. I think it's because dd plays with these parents kids that made us start talking and eventually swap numbers. I also think it's easier because you see these parents each day whereas the groups can vary in people each time

SunnyBaudelaire · 27/01/2015 12:32

mums and toddlers was v v cliquey IMO - there was only one mum that I clicked with and i waited months for her to come along.

Katekoom · 27/01/2015 12:38

Ive made a few friends on netmums. Because they're looking for friends too you don't have to worry about them not wanting to meet up etc. I'm meeting a lady on Monday for the first time, scary but worth it once past the initial awkwardness. Also if you're expecting try an antental class such as aquanatal. I went to an aquanatal with lots of women my age and found a lot of them very closed off. Of say 20-25 women I made one acquaintance, perseverance is key.

Good luck! x

Dinosaursdontgrowontrees · 27/01/2015 12:39

Oh op I'm in exactly the same situation. we have just moved to a new area and I go to every group am friendly and chatty to everyone but everyone seems to be in a click and I can't get in. My dd has no friend either.

Tinkerisdead · 27/01/2015 12:39

I moved to a new area when my dd1 was just shy of 2. And I have to say I made more friends through preschool than I did through baby groups. Once i'd made friends through preschool (gave lifts to some mums, asked others round wit dc) then I had "mum" friends to go to baby group with dd2 when she arrived. Once I already had a buddy to go with I got more confident and now i'll happily go along to groups on my own and have made friends.

The key is dont travel out to a group and then expect to make friends. You need to gear it up locally so suggesting nipping to the park after group in nice weather, meeting up or coming over, if you can meet the mums of the kids that will be at your preschool/potential school you'll find people are more receptive because your children will be peers rather than just a kid at baby group.

Ive lived in my area for four years and I now see more of my mum friends i made through preschool/baby group than any of my oldfriends. In addition to that, new mums that ive given the nod to are now at the preschool etc and so you get more and more used to striking up conversation with the faces you recognise.

HoggleHoggle · 27/01/2015 12:44

I didn't either, everyone arrived with a friend already and it felt as though they weren't interested in making any more!

Katekoom · 27/01/2015 14:15

I think it's actually really sad that so many women feel like this. I bet if you sat down with all of the women who attend baby groups and asked them if they're looking to make baby friends they'd all jump at the chance.

WipsGlitter · 27/01/2015 14:18

Sort of. Not bosom buddies but people to chat to. Made more friends when ds1 went to school. Other mums really friendly. Interestingly the mums one ds2 is in nursery (same one as ds1s) are not half as friendly.

MiaowTheCat · 27/01/2015 21:05

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Taffeta · 27/01/2015 21:12

I went to them with DS and made some friends that are still ongoing 11 years on. They aren't close friends, rather people I rub along with that have shared a similar journey. That sounds wankerish but you know what I mean. Again I probably have made better friends at the school gates.

I didn't bother with so many baby/toddler groups when I had my second.

WipsGlitter · 27/01/2015 21:27

I would agree that even at the school gate I have made a lot of friends but not bosom buddies. But I'm happy with the level of interaction and the odd night out.

stressbucket1 · 28/01/2015 07:04

For baby groups swimming could be a good way to make friends. If there is a small group near by. Babies are usually a similar age and need feeding afterwards and there is a cafe in most leisure centres good place to get chatting

Midorichan · 28/01/2015 07:43

Nope. I've been too busy trying running around after my son (especially since he got told he was a nasty little boy to his face by another mother, he's only 18 months old :( ), so I haven't been able to make any friends either. I am lonely now as when I first moved here, ha. But to be honest, from the brief chats I've had I don't think we'd have much to talk about apart from of our kids. After the incident with the other mother, I decided I just can't be bothered now, it's far too much stress.

LastOneDancing · 28/01/2015 09:52

I did the NCT classes before DS arrived and while I know it's not for everyone, it's been a saviour as I'm a slow burner when it comes to making friends

It's definitely a case of 'buying friends' as all of us who attended the class and stayed in touch went for that reason, the birthing info was just a useful aside.

They do a refresher type course for second time mums I think. Could this be an option for you?

Hygellig · 28/01/2015 10:02

I've struggled with the social side of parenting as well and my NCT group fizzled out after one meet. I do have one friend from toddler group who I see regularly. I mentioned I had been to a local soft play and she said to give her a text if I was going again. I also have another friend from that group who I see less often as her DD is now at school.

Postnatal groups can be a good way of meeting other mums and sometimes it can be worth taking the plunge and suggesting meeting up, maybe during the holidays when all the groups stop.

Haroldplaystheharmonica · 28/01/2015 12:43

I did! It seems I'm on my own though which is such a shame as these people are some of my closest friends now. We met one couple at the NHS antenatal classes and I then went to a postnatal group with her when the babies were a few weeks old. I met other mums there (and at other groups at the same centre - I ended up at 2 or 3 groups a week!) and this then turned into coffee at our houses and the local toddler group at the church hall.

Ten years down the line and a few of the mums I met are now just people I say hi to but there are four of us that are brilliant friends, the husbands are friends and we meet up all the time - with the kids, nights out, weekends away... it's great! If I hadn't have gone to the baby groups in the first place then none of this would have happened. Sometimes you forget that everyone is in the same boat and definitely when you have a tiny baby. For me, meeting friends when your babies are small is so much easier than when they're toddlers.

Jackieharris · 28/01/2015 12:50

With dd I went along to a few for years and no never made a friend. They were all so clique and I felt they looked down on me as I was 30 and they were 40.

FaFoutis · 28/01/2015 12:57

I have been through it 3 times and never made a friend. I always talked to people but it was mostly exhausting and dull. The last thing I wanted to do was talk about babies.

You don't have to go to toddler groups, go to the park instead. I met a couple of my friends in my local park.

Snowflakepie · 28/01/2015 13:07

More so with preschool than baby groups. It was seeing people more than once a week that made a difference. Also, I went on the committee. Now I have a group of about 4 friends as a result of that. We are an awesome committee too! I offered to help set up and tidy away at toddlers and that got people to know me a bit more, and there was something to talk about in passing that was something other than about the kids or that I felt was too personal. If you feel up for it, getting involved is always a good thing and you're doing something great for the kids too.

Do you have someone to look after your older DC when the time comes for the new baby arriving? That was the big spur for me to find friends, as I have no family nearby and was worried about my older dd. As soon as I admitted that I was worried to a couple of mums that I only knew slightly, they immediately offered to help, got phone numbers, they were glad to be asked. One is now what I would call a best friend. So do try, it's hard at first but you can do it.

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