Did you make friends with other mums at baby and toddler groups?

[RedHeadandDesperate]

My DD is now 3 years old, I have been going to various baby and toddler groups and classes since she was a few weeks old. I haven't made a single friend. DD loves the classes and always has fun, but I come away feeling absolutely miserable and lonely. I've never been very good at making friends, but I do try to strike up a conversation with the other ladies, but it never gets me anywhere and no one ever invites us to play at their house or for a coffee. I feel so awful for DD, she doesn't have any little friends to play with because I am incapable of making friends.
I am expecting DC2 this summer and I am terrified of having to go through it all again, going to these groups, to be sat on my own not talking to anyone, and to be so isolated and lonely in the early baby days.
Is there something wrong with me!? Am I trying too hard do you think? Has anyone else ever struggled to make friends with other mums?

I made two friends, but that was it, and it was hard. I know a couple more people to nod to in the street. However, I've been told that it all changes at school age anyway (all our kids will be going to different schools) and you end up only really seeing the mums of other kids at the same school., or whose kids attend the same activities as yours.

With baby groups - I recommend finding one that is run mostly by mums with similar age kids as yours, and committing to volunteer to help. Or maybe with Rhymetime at your local library? That could provide an 'in'.

Wow, thank you for all the replies! I feel so much better now knowing it's not just me!

It is hard when some of the groups seem so cliquey, alot of the mums there already seem to know one another too and so give off the vibe that they aren't interested in making new friends or talking to strangers. There are some ladies I see though that seem like I would get on well with them, but I am rubbish at starting conversations and don't feel confident enough to just up and start talking to them! It's a bit of vicious circle though, my lack of friends has knocked my confidence and self esteem for six, so now I probably appear too shy and sheepish at baby groups for anyone to start chatting to me, and I feel like I must be a boring or strange person not to have any friends unlike all the other mums at these groups.

I have tried so many different groups; libraries, swimming pools, music classes, playgroups, cafe meet ups, parks and outdoor spaces and have made a few acquaintances but they seem to just fizzle out. There is no one I can turn to on a regular basis to call upon to do something with. It gets pretty lonely, (and frustrating!) just being me and DD all the time, DH works alot so doesn't get much time to do things with us.

I have got an antenatal class lined up to go when I'm a bit further along, but I'm worried I still won't make any friends and will be even more lonely on mat leave with just DD to talk to.

I am hoping that preschool or school like alot of you mentioned will let me meet some mum friends, but I'm worried about putting all of my eggs in one basket! DD goes to playschool two days a week at the moment, and I haven't spoken to a single one of the other mums.....hopefully as DD gets a bit older and makes friends of her own, their mums will become my friends.

It gets exhausting after a while though doesn't it? Putting on a brave face and a happy smile, trying to make light hearted chat with the women to see where it goes, when inside I'm just screaming Please will someone be friends with me!!!

Its hard; i've made one or two out of classes i've been to a few more than I only see if we pass in street but probably only 1 see regularly - it just so happens we are very alike and our husbands get on!

My friends were made at a first time mums group run by the local children and family centre. Toddler groups I have been to since haven't been places where I've made proper friends. I randomly met one very good friend in the library when her daughter sat on my lap and asked me to read her a story! Very random but just shows that friends come along in unlikely situations when you're not looking for them

Op have you looked on mumsnet local as ive met mumsnetters in my new area before. Even if i didnt carry on contact it was that push to talk to a stranger that I needed.

You say your dd goes to playschool twice a week but is she doing mornings for instance and your not waiting at the door with other parents? My dd2 goes mornings and because i collect her at lunch I dont see a single soul. Once they are on full days, get there a bit earlier so you have time to loiter at the door making idle chit chat esp if your having another baby because your new one will probably be amongst their subsequent kids etc.

Ive got three really really good friends through playschool/school the kind I can call upon to do puck ups/drop offs etc when im stuck, go places with etc. In addition to that ive got probably ten decent acquaintences that I can have a laugh with, invited out for a meal or a coffee etc.

Remember your eldest will start school and you'll go to party after bloody party too so you end up lumped in with the mums and you get to know each other.

Strike up conversation where you can, talk about their child and you'll immediately have common ground. If your panicking and clamming up you'll be killing it dead in the water. Small gestures carry a lot of weight at baby groups/baby swimming etc like fetching a coffee for someone holding a baby or getting someone else's toddler their snack etc if the mum is juggling a baby. And if your the one with the baby offering a cheeky snuggle with a newborn will win you friends!

No not at all, although second time round there was a woman I had gone to school with and a mum who had been there when I had DS1 so I didn't feel so awkward when there. The first time round there was a group of mums who had all gone the a local First Time Mum's group and then to this group all together and they were so, so cliquey - one of them actually made a really bitchy comment about me trying to make friends with them and it shot my confidence to bits. This was a baby group - I didn't bother with toddlers as my experience with that group wasn't great, and I was back at work. It was an odd experience as I am normally very confident and outgoing. I am sure, thinking about it, that some of the women I chatted to felt the same, and it was a shame none of us were brave enough to try and connect a bit more! But there is no reason why you would click with some people just because you both have children.

I met one really good friend through volunteering with the NCT even though I hated the NCT and stopped volunteering - we have been friends for 8 years now.

whereabouts are you read head? I'm slightly desperate and having dc2 soon too!

I was going to ask the same rocket :) i am in a similar position. I go along to groups and chat etc, but feels like its far off making friends and maternity leave is a lonely place...

Not friends as such but when I bump into mums who ds does more than one activity with we tend to chat. Also their is a nice preschoolers park with coffee shop near us and a lot of mums chat there as well.

Funny, I'm the opposite to a lot of you on this thread. I made some lovely friends at baby & toddler music class and through playgroups. I joined a 'moms' group (am in the US), kind of like a local version of the NCT grouped around birth year and running playdates and meet-ups for members, and I met some lovely people through that. My entire group of 'mom' friends are from baby / toddler classes or this moms group. In contrast, I barely know any of the moms at my sons preschool. They barely give me the time of day when it comes to pick up and drop off! I really hope school is friendlier when he starts.

One thing I learned is that the old cliche can be true - don't judge a book by its cover. Someone might seem like they have it all together and have a ton of friends but they might actually be struggling and welcome an invite to a playdate or to the park. Everyone I made friends with seemed to have no need of new friends but once I got talking to then they were all just like me, struggling to get out of the house and battling toddler tantrums etc.

Easier to make friends at the school gate than at baby & toddler groups.

I tried to make friends during my maternity leave for dd but did not enjoy it much. Found it very boring. When ds came along, I did not try much and preferred my own company and doing other stuff, like house projects. But I am not the sort to get lonely. Being trapped and bored is more horrifying.

I made friends from the antenatal group 5 of us stayed intouch and contacted each other after our births. They were all within 2 weeks. I really recommend going to and trying to stay intouch with antenatal groups our health visitors who ran the group really pushed for it.

After that later on I only made one friend from mother and toddler group, that was because I hadn't seen her before and she looked nervous so introduced myself, she had just moved to the area and her DH work away for full weeks.
At soft play someone recognised my DC from the private nursery we both used so another friend picked up.
But believe me I still went and did things on my own and would feel like outcast in many places. Some people are open some are not it really is pot luck, things change at preschool. if you can get on an antenatal course then do it.
It will change, as people have already said on here they are looking for someone too.

I found with baby and toddler groups, that those who appear to have lots of friends, are usually meeting friends they already had at the group.
I attended loads of groups when my twins were little and the only one I had "friends" at, I attended with a couple of my neighbours. And coincedentally a women I knew from college went there too. All the rest, i was a loner and just had simple chit chat with other mums but nothing beyond that.

I did, but it took an enormous amount of effort and a lot of knock backs...I was certainly excluded by many cliques! Joining committee of playgroup us a good one to do or do an adult thing in the evening like a book group. I was upset numerous times by people dismissing my frienship attempts...worse thsn school, but 12 years on I have lovely close friends from thiwe years.

That's a shame. I ran a toddler group 35 years ago and some of us are still close friends. We always tried to get new mums into conversation with others and always welcomed help with coffees and tidying up. I met one close friend at ante-natal class. Could you go to something not child related such as a gym class where you may meet other young women some of whom will have children. Good Luck

I made some of my absolute best friends at baby groups, but ad s part time working mum have bern largely shunned by school mums. Massive clique of non working mims who seem to live in each other's pockets.,

For me it has been dd going to nursery and the invites to birthday parties which have meant I've made a couple of 'mum friends' that I wouldn't have made other wise.
However dd is now nearly 4 and goes to nursery full time, and it's only in the last 6 months I'd feel comfortable asking someone to meet up at the weekend!

With kids parties the kids go off to play so it gives you a chance to talk to the parents and have a bit more of a chat than you do at drop off/pick up.

Same here. we made small talk and that was it. Some other mums seems to be friends with each other but not me.
In any case it was all the adult interaction that i got other than dp so even small talk was a positive thing.

I didn't. I tried with the NCT group, organised meet-ups, suggested things to do, but the invitations were never returned. People were pleasant at baby groups, so I'd chat to them there, but never made it to actual friendship. I'm friends on FB with a lady from breastfeeding group, but never see her in real life now I'm back at work, she home educates her older ones so never has any child free time. I had coffee a couple of times with DH's friend's wife, but now we're both back at work that's fizzled as well.

I know lots of mums but we mainly meet at clubs/groups ... We'd be in each others pockets if we saw each other more.
Luckily I have friends who are mums (ie before I had mine) so my friendship group as it stands tends to understand baby life!

Sorry, haven't been on MN for a few weeks so missed a lot of your replies!

It really is reassuring to read so many of you have been in, or still are, in a similar situation. It really does feel like every group I go to everyone already has friends, and while we might have a bit of a chit chat, it never goes beyond that playgroup. It even feels like ladies who are new to join the group after me have a better time at making friends than I do!

I know my confidence has been knocked by struggling to make friends for the past 3 years, I've never been very good at making friends, and combined with new mum feelings of insecurity I struggle to pluck up the courage to talk to anyone at groups these days.

I'm determined to not have such a lonely and miserable maternity leave this time round though. Maybe I will really try and bite the bullet and invite other people out for coffee or to the park, like some of you have said maybe a lot of them are feeling lonely and insecure themselves.

rocket and Wisteria I am in North Wales, so not a lot going on really! Whereabouts are you? how old are your DCs? When are you due with DC2 rocket?

I only met acquaintences through groups (eg. People I still see around town to chat to but wouldn't go to each others houses etc). However I really really recommend mentioning this to your midwife/hv as early as possible when you have your new baby. My hv coukd see I was struggling and linked me up with a local mum who felt the same. This was nearly five years ago and we are good friends and our dc now go to the same school so see each other every day. The children's centre also organised a baby massage class and invited mums who felt a bit isolated and I got to be friends with them too (they have moved to different parts of the country now but keep in touch on facebook). You may do a good job of hiding how difficult you find it so you do need to say something. If someone said to me that they found it really hard to make friends etc I would arrange to meet up for coffee immediately.

I did. Still friends with two of the people I met at NCT 19 years later- and with several from the Health Centre new mothers group. You have to persevere- initiate meetings. Because most of them are as unsure as you are- and they probably think you are as confident as you think they are!

I always hated the thought of toddler groups, I'm very shy so the idea terrified me.
I decided I needed to go for ds's sake and that I'd moved to a new area and I needed some friends.

I asked around on a facebook buy and sell site for ideas of places to take DS and 2 local mums told me about a group they go to and invited me along.

I went the following week and looked out for these mums who came over snd chatted to me (no one else apart from the group organiser said a word)

I was then invited over to one of their houses that afternoon with ds.

These 2 ladies are lovely and were also new to the area once upon a time so knew how I felt. That was only last week but now I feel a bit more confident to go next week.

I made lots of friends but mainly as I bit the bullet and asked lots of people to go for a coffee etc if I saw they were on their own too. Most jumped at the chance. It sometimes takes one person to start it off. At our new baby group at sure start we ended up with a group of 9 / 10 meeting up often - but it started with 2 of us looking scared and deciding to meet for coffee ... And grew from there