Life with a newborn...what is it really like?

[hrpufnstuf]

We are expecting our first and only DC in the Spring, and since she has known, my mum (who is a total drama queen) hasn't missed an opportunity to say in the direst tones "you won't know what's hit you/it will be a struggle to cope" and things to that effect...

I know that there will be challenges (especially as I love my sleep), but I am getting frightened because she is just going on and on like this, and it's making me panic and lose confidence before I've even started.

I am fairly calm and organised (although I know the baby won't be ), and I know and accept that we're going to be muddling through for a good while, but she is making it sound impossible - like total unrelenting chaos is the only possible scenario for the foreseeable future. And all of her warnings - some supposedly humorous, but some definitely not - are freaking me out when I should be looking forward to being a mum, after many, many years of waiting.

I don't think I'm being unrealistic in my expectations - I've done a lot of reading on MN and bought a good "tell it like it is" book that lots of you recommend, and I know it's not going to be like it is in the adverts. I've also helped to bring up (albeit only from the toddler stage) my DH's two DC, so I do have a vague idea what it'll be like. I think.

Your thoughts/advice gratefully received.

Utter hell (if you have a non-napper/reflux/health issues).
Otherwise its delightful (nice long breaks while they nap, not going to work, chatting in coffee shops, lots of adoring coo-ing over a calm, content baby).

The mums who are loving the toddler stage are probably the ones who were stuck at home alone for 10 hours a day clutching a screaming baby for 6 mths.

The toddler stage is lovely though.

I was anxious like that too pterodactyl. I remember being so upset when people held the baby and I was worried they weren't doing it right or would drop him, etc.

But actually, I let people do things I wasn't comfortable with, like carrying my baby around the garden, and did things I didn't want to do myself, like taking my 5-day-old to a barbecue (after a C-section!) because I felt under pressure to be normal and relaxed and not make a fuss. In retrospect I should have trusted my instincts and sat at home cuddling the baby for as long as I felt like.

So with hindsight I'd say it's important to trust how you feel and stay in your comfort zone if you want to, especially at first. Don't let 40 relatives book visits or agree to invitations and suchlike if you don't feel up to it.

Depends on the baby really. I've hard tough ones and easy ones ( I have 6) tbh the teenage years are much harder!

It's hard, but you'll manage, and it goes by so incredibly fast that your baby will be up walking and talking before you know it.

Head down and get on with it. You'll be fine.

Bliss bliss bliss, ignore all the miserable folk who want to make you worried! I think the problem can be if you get a colicky baby there isn't much you can do other than try to get through it, but it's a relatively short period where that is an issue.
Yes you'll have tired days, and some challenges, but it's such a wonderful time, I could get quite addicted to having babies!

Wonderful to come back to so many lovely messages - thank you all for your advice and experience, I feel a lot more relaxed already.

My mum has always been a complete whinger, not so much glass-half-empty as no glass at all, and with everything else in life I manage to field her negativity, but she has really got under my skin on this...

With your help - and sorry that I can't respond to you individually (I've got to get on and paint the nursery ) - I will now take it as it comes, know that at the very worst both me and the baby will get through it, but that actually, a lot of it might be really enjoyable. I especially like the sound of the cuddles and gazing into each other's eyes - this has been a long, long time coming (eight years with lots of heartbreak en route) so I am determined to make the most of it!

Thank you .

Depends on the baby. Mine was a nightmare. Cried from birth to 4 months solidly or slept (occasionally ). It was hell on earth.

My best friends baby born at the same time. Fed, slept, smiled, fed, slept , smiled. I could have cried when we met up.

Fingers crossed you've ordered a good one. Just take every bit of help you can get. Don't try and be a superhero. If someone offers something just say yes!

Ds is 14 weeks now and it's been much easier than I expected.

We were in the NICU for the first week and a half, so I don't have any experience of going straight home with a brand new baby, and I did get loads of breastfeeding support so while the hospital stay was difficult, it actually made things easier in some ways.

Upon coming home, he did feed almost constantly from 3 weeks which I suppose is hard work but not in an unpleasant way. Nipples hurt a bit but lansinoh was great and it's been totally pain free since around 8 or 9 weeks, and we've only had two totally sleepless nights (around 6 weeks ish I think). He does have days where he doesn't want to be put down still but personally I don't see that as much of a problem - just an excuse for lots of cuddles!

Whatever happens it's such a short amount of time so even if your baby is a little bit more hard work than some, it'll be over before you know it. I don't know why some people seem to get a kick out of trying to scare new mums, you'll be fine

My two experiences of life with a newborn were different. With my first I found it harder because I was so worried about tensions with my MIL and I was beating myself up over not being able to breastfeed and all sorts. I didn't enjoy it because of all the stress.

Second time around- different story. Again failed with the breastfeeding and this time refused to feel guilty about it- surrounded myself with positive stories about bottlefeeding from the internet (check out Fearless Formual Feeders anyone in the same position!). MIL was much better this time around too and I was able to say no to people visiting and feel less guilty about it. So my own anxiety was much less.

I had a section the second time around and was worried that it would make things harder, but to be honest it didn't really. Having the excuse that I had to rest as much as possible for 6 weeks made it easier for me to tell people not to visit if I didn't want them to, and to be honest I really enjoyed that 6 weeks. I stayed in my pyjamas a lot, I fed the baby and enjoyed cuddling him, we watched films together, we napped.... they actually sleep a lot when they're just born- and it is knackering because they're up every few hours for a feed during the night- but you do then get to rest a bit during the day if you don't have other kids to look after. My second is now 9 months and it's much more tiring because he is so active and wants so much attention (but don't worry about this either- I love him to bits and I enjoy playing with him).

I have enjoyed these months so much that I feel sure I must have suffered PND the first time round, and maybe your Mum did too. It's not that it isn't hard work- it is- but if you can go with the flow and let the cleaning go undone (seriously- the house will become a tip really quickly- but it also only takes a couple of days to put it right later on- if you can manage to live with it for a month or two you will eventually find a routine that you can manage. And visitors will totally understand- and if they don't then they're not worth worrying about... really).

In preparation I would strongly advise cooking massive amounts of food and freezing it in portions. That is the single best thing we did in preparation for child #2. If people ask what you need or how they can help ask them to do the same. Eating nice healthy food when you're tired and handing about in your PJ's all day is a real treat and it makes you feel human :-)

Also- Mumsnet!! I found this forum a real encouragement :-)

Good luck! I love my wee baby and the hard bits are hard, but they don't last for long- the first year is full of changes. xxxx

OP it will be wonderful. We took a long time to get pregnant too. I can tell you that all the hard hard years of infertility are made worth it when you get to hold your child.

There will be hard times of course but wonderful, wonderful times too.

I was in denial about having a baby whiles pregnant and didn't bond with the bump. Now she's here I bloody love it! It's so much easier than being at work. The bit I worry about is going back to work with a 9 month old

I knew nothing about babies when I had ds, had very little help with him (Dh only took 1 week paternity leave and works long hours), and he had very bad reflux which went untreated until 6 weeks so he barely slept and cried A LOT. But honestly, it was fine. Million times easier than being at work. All that stuff about 'you won't know what's hit you' 'your life will never be the same' turned out to be a load of rubbish.

Friends who's newborns didn't have reflux or colic have said their babies just slept and ate for the first 6 weeks. Enjoy .

Sorry to have been negative OP, just wanted to be honest.

I remember one mum at a new mums group I went to, she was quiet, not smiling while the rest of us were joking about sore boobs etc. The HV brought her into the conversation and the woman burst into tears. She said she didn't feel like she could talk to anyone as everyone seemed so happy and she was finding it really hard. She said she was worried she was a terrible mum as she thought she was supposed to be blissfully happy and she wasn't.

All I was trying to say was if you find it harder and less blissful than you thought, you're not alone and don't worry.

As you can see from this thread, it really depends. Friend with a coliky, un-put-downable baby describes the first months as pure hell. My personal experience - kind of boring. Newborn DS ate and slept, rarely ever cried. I found it really easy and didn't understand what people were complaining about. I had plenty of time to do everything.
I bet DS2 will make up for that, so I don't get too smug.

Total unrelenting chaos is exactly how I'd describe it!

The first 6 months was gruelling - I thought I would literally die from sleep deprivation. Breastfeeding was the most excruciatingly painful thing I've ever done. I struggled to adapt to motherhood and mourned my old life terribly.

But now I'm 10 months in, back at work, and love, love, LOVING it! Broody for number 2!!!

I have a 4 month old DD. I found the first 2-3 months very difficult but then she had colic. She wasn't too bad in the daytimes but from about 5pm onwards she would scream relentlessly for hours. It nearly drove me insane and in the early weeks I was lucky to get 3 hours sleep a day (and that was broken). However friends of mine had much easier babies who didn't cry much and slept much better and loved the newborn stage. I honestly think it's pot-luck as to the temperament of the baby you get, and that ultimately will determine whether or not you enjoy the newborn stage.

Thanks again everyone, we have seven weeks to go and thanks to your wonderful replies (even the ones that are honest about things being tough) I now feel better prepared, or at least as prepared as I can be.

And you never know, maybe I'll just get a good one !