Life with a newborn...what is it really like?

[hrpufnstuf]

We are expecting our first and only DC in the Spring, and since she has known, my mum (who is a total drama queen) hasn't missed an opportunity to say in the direst tones "you won't know what's hit you/it will be a struggle to cope" and things to that effect...

I know that there will be challenges (especially as I love my sleep), but I am getting frightened because she is just going on and on like this, and it's making me panic and lose confidence before I've even started.

I am fairly calm and organised (although I know the baby won't be ), and I know and accept that we're going to be muddling through for a good while, but she is making it sound impossible - like total unrelenting chaos is the only possible scenario for the foreseeable future. And all of her warnings - some supposedly humorous, but some definitely not - are freaking me out when I should be looking forward to being a mum, after many, many years of waiting.

I don't think I'm being unrealistic in my expectations - I've done a lot of reading on MN and bought a good "tell it like it is" book that lots of you recommend, and I know it's not going to be like it is in the adverts. I've also helped to bring up (albeit only from the toddler stage) my DH's two DC, so I do have a vague idea what it'll be like. I think.

Your thoughts/advice gratefully received.

I have to say that having new born was far easier than having to get up every day at 5am and face the M25, which was my working life prior to maternity leave.

Its really straight forward to be honest, babies need feeding, winding, changing, dressing, awake time and sleep (not even a bath in the first few days). The only thing that surprised me was that time doesn't matter anymore, its the same routine regardless of the time. Just devote yourself to that, if you shower at 3am so be it, if you don't shower for a day its fine. Don't put pressure on yourself to get off the sofa/go out in the early days, this is your time to coo and chat to your baby.

I drank a lot of tea in the first week and watched a fair bit of TV, the advice sleep when your baby sleeps if good but I could only manage an afternoon nap. Enjoy and take lots of photos.

It was over 15 years ago now but from what I remember I found it quite hard. I had gone from working full time in a job I knew inside out to working 24/7 in a job I had no experience of IYKWIM.

MW said 'go to bed for 2 weeks with the baby and establish breastfeeding and rest' I was all 'What?' there's housework to be done! How I wish I had done what she said. But no, housework and a constant stream of visitors was how it was.

I was led to believe that it would be wonderful, breastfeeding would be a breeze, sleep when baby sleeps and all that. But baby didn't sleep, BF was awful.

If I had a time machine I would do it all very differently. Knowledge is power.

Oh and there were a lot of "you need to get a sling" threads on here which i thought were a bit crunchy and vegan. Until I realised my newborn didn't sleep except on me, and I was starving for breakfast and needed a wee, but if I put him down he'd cry until I picked him up again.

The first time I used a sling was such a relief! Baby asleep on me, and I could eat breakfast in peace! Try to borrow one from friends for a month - after that you'll have the energy to go to a Sling Library and find one you actually like, but any old one will do for the first while as long as its suitable for newborns.

DD slept all the time until she was 6 weeks, smiled all the time until she was 3 months and then got a nasty cough and is now crying all the time (she's 5 months) it has times where it's really hard, you want to cry, I sometimes wonder why I did it and then you get that lovely smile and nothing else matters!
all babies are different but no stage will last forever. I didn't have any sleep deprivation until she became ill, now it is tiring but what upsets me is her being unwell rather than my lack of sleep.
The hardest adjustment to me was not being able to do what I wanted, like go to the cinema, and taking an hour to get out of the house!
Life is what you make it, just give her lots of cuddles because they grow up way to quickly!

No MN in 1999. i don't know whether that was a good or bad thing re my decision making at the time.

Honestly I didn't find it that difficult. Dd had a few problems for the first few months with blood sugars ap that added a little complication but generally it wasn't too hard at all. You learn and adapt with them every day they do something new and watching them develop is the most amazing thing. Dd is 14 mo now and every day is full of fun she's not a great sleeper so that can be tough at times. But it is so worth it. Enjoy your baby

It totally depends on the baby. I know a couple of mums with reflux babies who can't be put down at all until 5-6mo. They took turns at night rocking baby with their partners. But this is the extreme. Most are much easier.

My two have both been easy. They sleep 2-3 hours at night from the start which is enough for a new mum to keep sleep deprivation at bay. They have both been happy watching me do housework etc.

Atm I am sitting in bed typing on my phone and watching Netflix on my tablet with a 4mo sleeping next to me. Housework for today already all finished except hanging the laundry up. It's much easier than work! Who would pay me to watch Netflix and read kindle books? And going shopping and having coffees too.

You sound like you have your feet on the ground.

Tell your mum to curb her enthusiasm slightly - she's probably so nervously excited for you. She should show a little bit of faith in you, so I'd tell her straight!

first few weeks should be spent mostly in bed or lolling about on the sofa watching crap tv and eating cake IMO.

I struggled to get out to NCT meet-ups but once I got going I found sitting about in Cafes with a load of burbling babies quite nice.

Sleep was hard but I co-slept so it was ok, I breastfed on demand mostly lying down.

If you are an organised houseproud person then I think you just need to let that go out the window for a while or get DH/DP to step up and start doing the bulk of it.

And being organised OP you will find it easier to cope. I have meal planned with a 3 week cycle before baby was born. Shopping done via ocado. And a cleaning schedule for 30min a day 4 days a week. I'm an organised person and a schedule like this help me keeping on top of things and feel good.

Oh and exercise for 20min a day too. Amazing for me time I found. Obviously only if you actually love exercising.

first few weeks should be spent mostly in bed or lolling about on the sofa watching crap tv and eating cake IMO.

YY ^ this.

Not hoovering/entertaining visitors who won't leave/cooking/cleaning.

Well it depends on the baby, it depends on how you feel and cope, which may be different to how you imagine, it depends on the people who are around you. It might be a doddle or you might find it difficult. You really do roll the dice when you have a baby.

In any of the outcomes, having a mother who is gleefully waiting for you to fail or struggle is not helpful. It might be best to tackle her attitude or have a plan for how to deal with it before the baby is born.

Also, on the offchance that your baby has jaundice and has to go into hospital under the lights for a few days, it sounds really painfully obvious (now) but at the time I didn't realise and felt awful. The lights are hot, your baby will get extra thirsty. Your first milk may not be quite enough, and they don't let you take them out of the lights for too long to keep them on the boob long enough. Do the best you can with bf but you may have to give them a little bottle of water or formula because they can quickly get dehydrated. This was 7 years ago, maybe they have a better system now, but that's how it went for me.

SparklingBrook- mn is both good and bad! It's excellent for support and information, but it's bad for all the oneupmanship, the moral outrage and the way some people thrive on making you feel inadequate. I scrape along doing my best, but I often come away from mn feeling like shit because my house isn't perfect, my children aren't fed organic lentil cereal for breakfast, I haven't done anything to enrich their souls that day, and peppa pig is on all the time. I have to remind myself that my kids are happy, healthy and loved. And I'm doing my best and it's good enough.

James I wouldn't have felt I could post saying I was going to finish BF at 6 weeks that's for sure, and YY to feeling a bit vulnerable at the time and possibly feeling a bit if everyone else was finding it a breeze I think.

Doing your best is the bottom line really. My two are 15 and 13 and whatever 'mistakes' I made from birth onwards they seem to be doing ok now.

My daughter had bad silent reflux so we had problems with feeding and winding/getting her down. Every baby is different they will let you know how they want things done :) there were times I was so tired id be forcing myself to eat at 3am so I stayed awake while feeding her, but I wouldn't change a thing. Her looking up at me with those big blue eyes made every challenging moment worth it. Life has changed since she arrived but in the most amazing way. Don't get me wrong ive def had my moments of crying on the floor :D once you see your bubba nothing will matter x

Your mum is not helping with her comments, just because that's perhaps how SHE felt & that was her experience, it doesn't mean that's going to be yours.

The biggest shock to me was the change to my life, I (naively!) thought that I had responsibility for my beloved cats & a baby wouldn't be much different! That was the thing I found the hardest initially.

You sound like you have read the books, you are as prepared as you can be. Don't have any expectations and just don't be hard on yourself, everyone has an opinion on childrearing, pick & choose who/what to listen to. Take offers of help when you get them, it took another DC to make me do that! & enjoy it.
Oh & get out with baby as much as you are able, on a bad day being out of the house is so much easier somehow!

...& that phrase "they grow up so fast, make the best of them" will drive you crazy during the phases when all you want is for them to grow up & start school so you can have a break (then you will cry buckets when that day comes!!).
Take care.

DD (DC1) breastfed fine, wasn't massively clingy, slept ok. She had a few nights here and there of just crying for no particular reason which was tough but she tended to sleep in the morning after and I would too.
What I found hard was how I felt. I was in love with my beautiful creation for one thing and spent hours just staring at her sleeping or holding her while she slept. That's what made the housework, getting showered etc a problem. I also didn't realise how lonely I would be. I hated baby groups and there isn't NCT in my area. I took her to one swimming class a week, and never spoke to a single person there.
Finally I didn't realise how little DH would understand about how I felt. We were very young I was 19, he was 23 and had only lived together for 2 weeks before DD was born. Its only 12 years later when we had DC3 and 4 16 months apart that he really understood how mentally draining it can be looking after small children.

Threre's nothing anybody can say to truly prepare you for what it will be like

My best advice?
Keep an open mind, set your standards low and then just roll with it. Your baby will have you trained in no time at all!

Congratulations!

OP you sound well-prepared and like you have the right attitude.

I think there are some people who go into it thinking it will be like the adverts, or that they will have everything under control and perfect, or that the baby will "just slot into my life" (I have heard people say this). In those cases it might really help to be warned that it can be quite chaotic and overwhelming especially at first. It's not just the big changes and the sleeplessness, it's the hormones and emotions all over the place, combined with the physical recovery you're going through, that make it hard work. I do tell people the first few weeks can be a big shock and not to worry because it will pass. I think it's only fair to have advance warning of that.

But you are aware of that anyway, so you're not going to have a massive shock.

The truth is it can vary a lot - some babies are placid and sleepy, some are happy and never make a squeak, some are constantly grumpy and whining, some barely sleep, some scream 24/7 for six months (or seem to!). Most are none of these extremes but a mixture.

Then combine whatever baby you get with what you are like - if you like to be in control, or tend towards anxiety like me, it may be harder; if you are very relaxed and positive, a bit easier.

And also bring into the equation how much support you'll get - will DH and/or other people take over sometimes so you can have a bath, catch up on sleep or go for a coffee by yourself, things like that. There are so many variables.

However people saying "You'll never sleep again!" "Your life as you know it is over!!!" etc are being drama queens as you say, and you can ignore them. You will adjust, and the adjustment can go smoothly or less smoothly, but you will get there.

Have to say that after a while the lolling about on the sofa watching crap TV does become a bit boring so that's the point you need to start organising (if only in your mind) what you are going to do each day.

I think at about 8 weeks I started getting a little rota going along the lines of monday: visit mum, Tuesday: breastfeeding group, Wednesday: meet up with NCT and so on.

It helped to have a bit of a plan.

Definitely depends on the baby! I was/am quite calm and collected, but I didn't really enjoy the newborn days. DD was an unhappy baby despite my attitude, now we know it's because she had/has cows milk allergy. If the doctors and so on had listened to me from the beginning when I said something was wrong she would've been sorted out a lot quicker and things would've been much better! As soon as she went onto her special formula everything improved. And then once she started sleeping through, I felt properly human again!

Plus, I think it depends if you generally enjoy the tiny baby stage or not. I much prefer life now that we can play, read, etc. Some things are more difficult now that she's getting more mobile, but I definitely prefer it.

That said, some days (usually when she's flinging herself around in 10m old anger!) I almost wish we could go back to the days of cuddling on the sofa watching The Bill

People prepared me for doom and gloom, too.

In some ways, life with a newborn was way harder than I could have imagined. I didn't work through my pregnancy, so I could just get in my car and go shopping, or go and see my friends at short notice, or go and buy milk easily. Those parts changed, and I found it hard - but then I was a single parent.

In most other ways, things were easier than I expected. Newborns sleep loads at first... In fact, I remember being bored waiting for him to wake up once!

I'm currently trying to talk myself out of having a fourth baby (now happily married) so it can't be that bad!

You won't know what hit you. You will suddenly have another human being who is entirely dependent on you, who regardless if they are a zen baby or a screaming refluxy one will scare the bejaysus out of you on a daily basis for years to come. In different ways obviously.

You will love them within an inch of their lives and have nightmares about losing them to ill health/nutters/in shopping centres/the bogeyman.

THIS is what has changed most in my life. As an introvert having small children constantly at my side, having no quiet time or head space is the biggest challenge for me. Not the puking wailing stage though admitedly you will be amazed at how little sleep you can actively function on for a bit.

People seem to get some kind of evil glee out of telling first-time parents how impossibly tough it's going to be. I don't think it's fair at all. That said, for me it was really tough, but mostly not in any of the ways I was imaging or had been warned about!

Having a newborn was definitely easier than pregnancy. I had hyperemesis, was lucky enough that it responded pretty well to the drugs but was still very miserable and very sick until the day after DD was born. So the combination of baby arriving plus not feeling sick any more was so amazing I was practically walking on air in the postnatal ward (even said how great the food was, staff were looking at me like ), and that's with a baby who pretty much did not sleep at all during the two nights I was in there. Even after we got home, the sleep deprivation and nappy changes and baby throwing up over everything were so much easier than I was expecting. I was worried about being trapped in the house, but newborns are portable and mine didn't care where she was as long as she was being held, so we got out loads too.

But there were hard parts too.

I didn't realise how terrified I would be. I kept having visions of awful things happening to her, so vivid I was crying. I couldn't let her out of my sight for the first month or so, wouldn't let anybody but DH carry her up and down the stairs (I had an EMCS and couldn't do it myself) and that's with me right there watching them. I wish I'd told the midwives about this actually but I didn't dare. Ended up seeing a counsellor for a couple of sessions and that really helped.

I didn't realise how much she'd need me. Mine was a very fussy newborn, needed to be held and preferably moving all the time, unless she was feeding which she did constantly and for hours. I felt like she was trying to claw her way back inside me. Would not be put down at all for anything ever without screaming, and sometimes she'd just scream no matter what I did. I knew babies cried but I hadn't realised how helpless you feel when it's your baby crying and there's nothing you can do, and how overwhelming it is to have this tiny little thing that just needs you and needs you and needs you and it feels like you're never enough.

I didn't realise how hard day-to-day practical stuff would be with a baby who had to be held all the time. I thought they lay in Moses baskets and playmats gurgling at stuff! Not mine. And I wanted to punch the people who told me "sleep when the baby sleeps", because lots of the time I couldn't even stop moving when the baby slept.

But now she's older and mobile, I do miss those early days of endless cluster-feeding on the sofa while DH did the housework and I watched ER on iTunes for hours.