What did you do while baby slept?

[squizita]

My dd is 3 months and sleeps well at night in the main.

In accordance with safety guidelines I stay with her when she's asleep, at all times. OK for day naps in the living room, pram or sling ... but baby bedtime means 2-3 hr in a dimly lit bedroom before I can sleep myself.
Apart from mumsnet and Netflix what can I do.

To be brutally honest I feel almost trapped and really down about it. Sitting in the dark every night for 6 months for fear of SIDS. How did you distract yourself?

With both my ds aged 6 and 18 months I put them to bed with a monitor and then went downstairs from 3 months. Those guidelines aren't practical imo especially when you have another child to look after

I do this, I never let him sleep without me watching over him, as its recommended Id not go against it as if he died I could not live with myself

We have a tv bed, so from 8pm we just go upstairs and watch R in bed while little baby goes to sleep

No difference I think watching TV I'm bed to watching it living room.

The tv does not disturb baby

It's only 6 months of your life, after that you can do as you please again

I've never heard of this and can't believe these ate the guidelines!

However, with #3 due in June I'm totally telling DH so I can relax in bed with my Netflix for a few hours without argument :o

Why is it 6 months anyway, isn't 4 months pretty much the limit for SIDS?

I think you are probably being very cautious but can completely understand why. You could get yourself a video baby monitor and then if you want to pop out to make a cup of tea etc then you could put that on. My Mororola one lets me see my son's chest move. I have to say for naps and between about 8pm and 11pm, I'm not in the same room but we do have the monitor on and regularly check it. I do think sometimes whether we do the right thing but baby is too big for Moses basket so what are you meant to do - move a travel cot around with you?

My issue with the guidelines is that how does it work if you are walking with the baby in a pram/watching tv/talking etc (they couldn't hear you breathe) etc or when you are asleep (ie not watching the baby/making noise to stop them sleeping deeply)? I've always taken it as they just don't know what causes it when you reduce all the known risks factors such as smoking/bed sharing/alcohol/sleeping on their backs and being in the same room means that you can check position/bedding etc more.

I think in the end like so many things you can do everything you can to reduce risk but it's impossible to eliminate it entirely.

Grr posted before I'd finished. I'm clearly not a medical expert as I don't know why the guidelines say this and can only say what I think, but I know when my OH suggested that I move out of baby's room before 6 months at night, I didn't want to do it, but am comfortable with the naps/evening for a couple of hours as for me, I don't know how I would cope otherwise. I'm sure if anything did happen, nothing would stop me from feeling guilty though.

My DS slept in the living room with us until 3 months and then I used to put him to bed with a monitor on. I am quite an anxious person so I used to check on him every 20minutes or so and then by the time he was six months I would check every half an hour then every hour as he got older still. Now I daren't check on him at all as it wakes him up and he never bloody sleeps as it is! (He is 20 months now).
Even with checking him every 20 mins I still had time to eat dinner, load the dishwasher, watch tv, whatever. I think it is worthwhile for your mental well being tbh, sitting in the dark for hours is not good for you if you are already a worrier. I hope you find a solution you are comfortable with.

Cleaned up! Slept sometimes but couldn't get to sleep quick enough before next feed

Showmethewonder the embarrassing thing is a few months ago I was on the pregnancy board as the "I know what pregnancy cautions are bunkum cause Leslie Regans told me" common sense one!
Sigh. My mousey little scared side must have come out with the placenta!

Oh yep, they say that when they take the placenta out they put the guilt in!

I agree with ShowMe. That is a really great post.

There is going to be a lot of stuff with no consensus on 'best' and lots of contradictory advice. Also a lot of highly unrealistic advice. I say wryly that a mother's place is in the wrong. You do need to make peace with not being 'perfect .

Yeah its not even so much being "perfect" as a sane person would regard it though. It's anxiety. I had a really good hold in pregnancy: I would exercise, use nail polish, eat lion marked eggs a bit soft ... I wonder if it was because I started at rock bottom and fought my way up with that?

Whereas I'm the lucky one now. And my anxiety reminds me I'm not good enough, too selfish to be this lucky.

It's the constant nagging intrusive thought that if I do "bad" or neglectful things in some way the universe will punish me and I will cause what would seem rationally to be disproportionate disaster. Almost like that rhyme "step on a crack, break someone's back" .

The NHS seem to word everything in a hugely triggering way (not just to me, as you can see others respond the same) and then wonder why mental health issues in new mums is at an all time high Makes me so mad if you excuse the pun!

Right, I'm off to TK Maxx sale. DD is beibg left a couple of hours with dh (asleep while he plays with his boy toys and watches top gear ... see how sane I am with other people!?!).

Absolutely to triggering language. What it is is arse covering. As a lawyer I recognise it and mentally translate it. But more widely I think it is very harmful.

Dear OP,
I am a mum and a HCP (although not a midwife or HV) and I am shocked by the page on the NHS advice site you linked to. It is appallingly written, with as a pp said conflicting advice. There are no links to any evidence to support some fairly dubious statements they make and they suggest as a given advice that is actually fairly contested in terms of the evidence. They also don't reflect how difficult some of this advice may be to enact if you have other children or other responsibilities. My advice would be to relax as much as you are able (not easy I know given what you said about your anxiety) and feel free to leave your baby for a while while they are asleep. As long as the room temp is right, you say you are using a grow bag so don't need to worry about bedding covering them and they are not unwell I can see no reason not to have an hour or two to yourself. If you are really worried you could invest in one of the movement sensor alarms but I don't think it is necessary from a risk point of view. And remember your psychological health is just as important to your babies wellbeing as anything else so don't feel bad for taking some time for you. X

Thanks all!

...tonight I am planning to paint my nails and potter. Small steps.

no where in nhs guidelines does it say that you should hit your 19week old son on the light fitting because dad is swishing him around like a aircraft and making him squeel with delight he survived.

enjoy your pottering and nail painting

I was exactly the same and became depressed! Best thing I did was invest in an angelcare monitor with sensor pad. I can now see her and hear her and know that if something were to happen then the alarm would sound. I also clued up on how to resuscitate a baby. My DD is now 5months old and I'm not depressed anymore :).
Seriously, invest and reclaim some you time xx

My DH suggested a monitor and yoga/hypnotherapy (for me not baby).

I think your DH has the right idea. How was tonight?

I think your DH has the right idea. How was tonight?

Mega cluster feeding then a little me time. Did some online shopping. Now heading to bed myself! Bit of a day ... The car broke down of course on Xmas weekend !

Yeay for the me time (boo hiss to the car)

Thank you showme for a really sensible post. I am a new mum myself and find the emphasis that a lot of HCPs place on SIDs very distressing and unhelpful. Because they see you for such a short time they really ram it home, but you are left feeling that if you don't follow reams of contradictory and impractical advice to the letter your baby is likely to die and it will be all your fault. When I started investigating the actual research data this is based on I was shocked how sketchy and tenuous it all is. Basically it seems to me that they have no idea, can't(for obvious reasons) properly research it, and so are making up theories to fit the correlations they have, which are in turn based on small sample sizes. Okay, one can defend them as wanting to give every possible advice to minimize risk, and of course SIDS is every parent's worst nightmare, but by giving these guidelines they aren't doing no harm, because they are causing a lot of anxiety and stress for women at a very vulnerable time.